Category: chronic physical pain

Blog of the day 2 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Pain is gonzo, like totally out of control. Since lowering my mood stabilizer, pain flares have been increasing and harder to control. They also last longer. Had enough of this shit. Fuck. Now question is who the fuck do I tell and beg them to kill me or treat me? Not looking for more pain meds (though wouldn’t mind an increase) but mood needs to be controlled before I have to go back to hosp. Not sleeping, feeling depressed then wired so I am up 20 hours. If I sleep during the day it is my crash. Nerve pain right now is nuts. Bones are killing me, all of them in my ankle and foot. I am scared this is will be it. See psych on Friday and tell her I want to try one anticonvulsant again. Not ideal but shit something needs to be tried. The mood stabilizer I am on was the last of the last. I am fucked if I have to play trial and error again. But pain feeds mood and mood feeds pain so…hoping psych can be my gatekeeper (she is better at it than my chickenshit pcp).

Saw therapist today. Found out my private insurance mh benefits suck so will be staying on Medicare as he is planning on not being a provider of the private insurance. I will be billed $10 then when he leaves them, probably whatever the 20% Medicare doesn’t pay. I am glad this sort of worked out. I just got to change insurance with my psych since it is a new plan. Fun new year shit to go through. Lease my prescription coverage is the same for now. I goofed on the T. I could have had it refilled before the new year but because my sleep cycle has been awful. I never checked it or made note of it. If I made a mental note, haha it went out to pasture. I am glad I got a planner because I am writing it on paper. Helps to see it more. I use my phone calendar a lot but it connects to Big Brother so I rather have paper. I tried to see how much my pain meds would cost but the pharmacy won’t know unless they run it through. So got to wait till next week.

I wanted to write this earlier but brain was mush and pain was just starting to get ugly. I am so tired and hope I sleep tonight. Supposed to snow tomorrow. Just a coating so not bad. My mother wanted me to do an errand for her but it can wait till Friday when I am out again. Be easier for me.

I have been sending my BFF in Canada vids of me being a goof. She loves it. Then her hubby asks why she is laughing. Man it is gonna be weird seeing her in person one day. She loves my accent. I honestly didn’t think I had one. But I played what I recorded today and oh my god. Too funny. I’m glad I can laugh at myself.

Today is transition day 92. Voice is changing. Face is not as smooth as it was so maybe hair is coming (fingers crossed). I shaved my moustache a couple weeks ago and it is just coming in. Don’t know why the sides are thicker than the middle. Weird. I also noticed my sweat is smelly. Got to remember to wear deodorant. I don’t use it much because I am in the house but lately with stupid heat system, I am either too hot or cold. I woke up a couple times so hot I thought I was on fire. Hate winter. Think I got to open the window. Maybe that will even things out. I need a cold room to sleep. Here is a pic of two kittens. One is ginger and the other is black. The ginger has its paws around the black kitten’s head, like it is hugging. The black kitten face is like I know now let me go. Perfect depiction of my BFF and i. I love that pic. One day when we see each other we will make it. Haha

Happy New Year and all that jazz

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Happy New Year and all that jazz

I wish my readers a Happy New year. I hope this year is better than last year.

As I said in my last blog, I don’t do resolutions and shit. I don’t plan goals or anything. I just go with the flow. I see a lot of people reflecting on this “good” things that have happened to them last year. All I can think about is how I spent most of the year in severe pain, not being listened to by doctors, being a ping pong ball between doctors, just to get a change in pain meds and then planning my death because I had enough. July I was going to end it and that was it. Well, my date came and I didn’t go through with it because I was too afraid I would be found and saved. It was kind of doubtful, but possible. I don’t think I went in the hospital last year or if I did, I don’t remember it as I am not going back, ever again.

I am still feeling kind of crappy and I have therapy tomorrow. I did sleep, finally, but it was at like 5 am or so. My med alarm went off but I didn’t take my meds. I took my mood stabilizer. I kind of been taking them twice a day but if I don’t take the morning dose, I just take the morning dose at night so I have it. I can’t risk becoming hypomania though I thought last night I was going to as I just was so overtired I was hyper. I was wired and not tired. Then I decided to go lay down and try to sleep and my leg jerks causing tremendous pain. There went sleeping. I think I was up at least 38 hours. I slept till around 4. I had something to eat. I made pizza but I only ate half. I am not that hungry. I downed a 16 oz Pepsi. I also had a cup of tea so I am sure I will be peeing a lot. I wanted to get some fluids in me.

I shaved my head again. I am addicted to the bald feel. I can’t help it. Except tonight I used a new razor and got razor burn. My head hurts lol. I didn’t shave my sideburns though. Least I don’t think I did or at least one side. I wanted to see how the bald with sideburns looks. I am experimenting. LOL

I was talking to my sister about my insurance situation. I thought it was going to be a quick, yes you can get rid of Medicare and have them as a secondary. Nope doesn’t work like that. Fuck. I just have noticed a big change in attitude with the docs since being on medicare. Seems I am not getting care I should and then PT has these “requirements” in order to cover a visit because I am on this insurance. I hate being treated like this. I don’t think it is fair that I have to do this extra bullshit because I have chronic pain in my ankle. Then I flare and who takes care of me then? Last night was the same thing after my leg jerked. I have decided to do whatever to lower my pain levels because I get no help from a doctor about it when I tell them repeatedly how things are going. Just because I am fine when I see them then, doesn’t mean later that night I will be or the next day. I am so tired of flares. Maybe that is why the suicidality has come back. I don’t see any other reason. Each flare seems to last for days before I am okay and then I do something like make breakfast and I am in pain the rest of the day. Or I barely move my damn foot/ankle and boom. Pain goes up and I can’t control it. The docs have NOT listened when I tell them moving my ankle causes pain. They don’t know what to do. I can’t walk. I am almost getting to the point where I can’t stand. I feel bad for the people in the UK who has to wait for months, maybe a year, for a doctor appointment just to be told there is nothing they can do. I would be jumping off the nearest bridge. Because by the time they get a doc that gets it, treatment is too late, like it was for me.

I am really depressed. I think that would explain the low appetite, mood being messed up, sleep issues, etc. I just happened to be in it. It came without a warning. But then it always does. Then when I finally realize what the fuck is happening, I am stuck in it and I don’t know how long it is going to stick around. Seems each episode has it’s own length period. I am never clued in as to what that is.

I accessorized my laptop. It was too plain for me. My laptop that needs to be fixed has a bunch of stickers on the lid.

I don’t know when I am going to get it fixed. I am going to try and get it down this year somehow. I am going to try to have this laptop out of my room and at a Starbucks table so I can possible write. Or maybe just get a notebook and write. I don’t know what I will write about. It all depends if this mood/sleep thing eases out. I have been so damn tired and just sleep the day away. I got to get up tomorrow to make some calls to my insurance. I am not sure if I have to call to have the insurance as a secondary or have it as a primary like I want. All because I am disabled this headache is there. I didn’t want to be on Medicare. It is just a thing SSD puts you on but it doesn’t cover prescriptions so what is the point of it, I don’t know. You can see your providers and stuff but you need a secondary insurance to pay the visit completely or have a copay that is smaller than 20% of the visit. I really don’t see that many doctors like I used to. Just my PCP or his colleagues, my psych, and therapist. I see my neuro once a year, unless there is a problem that can’t be solved using email. LOL I also see my repro endo doc which I guess I should call her my TG doc now. So 5 docs. I don’t know when I see her if it will be at the new clinic or if it will be at the same office. My PCP will be at a new office. I will be asking him for a new scripts a week early for my pain meds because I don’t want to come a week later for them. I don’t think that is a big deal but we will see. Bet he says no because he is an asshole.

New Year 2019

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I may throw in some goals but I really don’t expect them to come to fruition. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping past few nights. Pain has been making sleeping at night impossible. So I sleep during the day to wake up at night to stay up all night. Fun cycle.

Last night I was trying to sleep. I would slightly doze and then wake up in pain, either my foot or ankle or hip. 3 am my hip was hurting because my body was one way and it wanted to lay flat rather than on my side. Had to use a heating pad which needs replacing because it is worn out. It doesn’t get hot like it did only on high setting. So I had this on my hip. And waited for pain to calm down. Then put of the fucking blue, my foot/ankle explode and I am instantly suicidal. Like I want to kill myself right this second. I didn’t know how but as I lay there immobile, I thought of ways. And I swear if I could have moved and acted at that moment, I would have. I was so pissed off. I was a lot of things i don’t remember now nearly 24 hours later. I took an ativan when these thoughts and impulses passed and I could move my hip without screaming. I think I might have taken another pain med too because I was in pain. Around 6, I took 1 neurontin hoping for an hours sleep. It never came. My brain was just fantasizing all these things I had to do today and just wanted to say fuck it and sleep. Did I do that? No.

Around 1030 I got up to start the day. I had to cook 6 pounds of chicken wings for my sister’s party. I had two glasses of coffee before I started. I had to cut the chicken, wash, then cook it. It was falling off the bone when it was done and it was way too early for people to come in. So it just sat on my sister’s counter because my mother had to use our oven for her stuff.

It was a good party. I had two glasses of spiked eggnog. Hoping that would dull the physical pain. Nope. I had stuff to eat. Talked with my cousins. The pain started to get worse. I could barely walk. Noises were affecting me severely. Like I couldn’t handle the loud talk of anyone or the screaming of the two babies or my cousin playing something on his phone. It was just making pain worse. I left. I said happy new year good bye. I got upstairs and didn’t know if I was going to make it. I thought the eggnog was going to come up. I took some zofran. I was late with my meds so took them. I could not lie down. It cold in my room and my foot was so swollen my slipper made an indentation mark. And it was ice cold. Turn on broken heating pad! Luckily it never got painfully cold but did get painfully hot. I am still trying to sleep and failing. I should be tired because I technically have been awake since 30 Dec 7pm! I am not fucking tired. I should be. And after this, I am shutting off the lights and trying for sleep. I realized I probably been having problems because I turned up the heat a degree. Bad choice. I need cold. I should have known when I was sleeping with just my sheet on it was too hot in my room.

I don’t have any 2019 goals like I said. I wanted to end my life 24 hours ago and it is still fresh. I emailed my psych but she is out of office until Wed so probably not going to get a response. I don’t need the hospital. I really just need to stop having flares or have meds to control flares. And then longer I don’t and the longer they last, I am going to be a suicidal maniac. I am hoping it was just the stress of the holidays but I got huge financial worries this month. I got to pay for my meds which I knew but still impulsively bought shit off Amazon. I won’t know what anything costs until later today, I hope. I still won’t know if my therapist is a provider until I see him Wed. And then I will probably need to decrease our sessions because I can’t pay for them. Fun pit in my stomach right now. And then I worry my pain meds won’t get covered or T. We’ll see. I need a refill sometime this month. But if it is really expensive, I don’t know if I can afford it.

So more stress = more pain. Lovely cycle.

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

I’ve been having a bad flare the last few days. My mood has been awful. I emailed my psych last night with a meme about this dog that growls and then something happens and it appears to be smiling. That is how my ankle is. My ankle is all growling and barking in the wee hours of the morning but when I see the doctors, it is all nice and smiling.

My pain started around 5 pm. That wasn’t a good thing. I took some pain meds and when it really acted up after I had some dinner after I took my night meds, I decided to take some gabapentin with it. I really want some alcohol. I am tempted to have some honey whiskey. I have about maybe three shots left in the bottle, more if I cut to half a shot. I wanted to get another bottle when I got my mother some whiskey but shit, the price has gone up since I last bought it, and this was for a smaller bottle! I am starting to feel like drinking because the pain meds aren’t working and the alcohol just makes you don’t care. I don’t want to get in the habit of drinking to ease my pain because that isn’t good.

I had this plan of recording a sentence or two on a daily basis what goes on in the day and how my pain was, what the barometric pressure was, things like that so I can track patterns if there are any. Especially as my mood stabilizer is lower. I had to decrease it again because I have been feeling crummy. My sodium is right where it was two weeks ago. One point below normal. I am still not sleeping or I am oversleeping. I don’t know how I am lately. I can’t be up during the day as I am really tired because I am not sleeping. I sleep during the day to catch up on sleep and then I can’t sleep at night because I slept all day. It is driving me nuts.

Yesterday, an author I don’t know but was with this publishing company that I am following on Twitter published her first memoir called “In the gray area of being suicidal.” I offered to review it. It was on Kindle for like 4 bucks so I bought it and read a few chapters. They are not getting a good review from me. It is so sugar coated I swear it was giving me diabetes. I had to take a break from it. I get the author was dealing with a grave subject but there was like no emotion at all. It was just words on a screen. I am not liking this book but I will read it and then review it. I have already told the company that it will not be a favorable review from me. If they choose not to accept a 5 star rating, fine. There are other places I can review the book.

And I am getting anxiety which can only mean that my flare is going to get worse. Lovely. I already took the max of my meds not even two hours ago. Guess will try an Ativan to calm me down before I flip the fuck out.

My new insurance card came. I have to sign up through a “portal” to get information, but I can’t do that until Jan 1st as I am a new member. UGH. I hope my therapist is somewhere on the list of providers so I can figure out what I am going to have as my copay. I know he is not in the network but not sure what tier he is on. So fucking confusing. And according to the HR information they sent out, I was under the assumption that this new plan was a Neighborhood Health Plan network but the card has Aetna, which is a fucking bastard when it comes to chronic health issues. I hope they don’t determine prescriptions or I am fucked. The whole thing is making me nervous. I need to stop spending because I still have one prescription to pay for in like 10 days. It is the first of what I will be paying for the year. A new medication, too. This is going to be fun budgeting meds and insurance again for the next 5 or 6 months. I am not sure what I am going to do if my mood starts to go haywire and I need to be on another mood stabilizer. Not sure what there is to try. I got a thing in the mail today about my retirement benefits and I had to laugh. Like WTF. They gave me a website to go to if I am no longer employed. Making the whole pay out in cash and then try to kill myself all that much easier, if I can do it. Because these flares if they don’t have better control, I am heading that way. Each flare has been worse than the last and have last longer than they did the last time. I am not liking this.

My sister is having a New Year’s Eve party. I asked her if she wanted me to make chicken wings. She said yes so I will be making them. The only problem is 1) our oven temp has been screwy lately and 2) my mother needs the oven because she will be making calzones. I have no idea what time the party is but the wings take at least 4 hours to cook, especially as there is so much more than what I normally make. I bought a new wing sauce that I will be using. It is a mango habanero sauce. Sounds sweet and hot! Hope it is good. I might make half using the other sauce I use. Someone else is making wings, too. Last year, they were gone in the blink of an eye. They were so good! I hope she also makes her macaroni and cheese. That is the bomb! But none of it will matter if my damn ankle pain is through the fucking roof. Nice way to ring in 2019 being bedridden. Fingers crossed it won’t happen.