Category: chronic physical pain

random thoughts 07062018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was up late last night. I was talking to a friend who was concerned about me. I didn’t tell her specifically what I was going through. But it was getting late and I let her know that I will talk to her sometime today. She said okay.

I then got a message from another Twitter buddy saying some friends have contacted him over their concern for me. I had told him months ago what I was planning so he knew. He said I was important to him. I told him he was important to me, too. I didn’t say more than that.

I went downstairs and made coffee. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat. I ended up making a peanut butter sandwich. Afterwards, I took out the recycle and trash. I was feeling okay but the bins were on the street so I had to do some walking back and forth. By the time I was done, my foot yelled at me. I limped upstairs. There was one more bag of recycle to take out. I wasn’t going to do it, least not then. I went up to my room and even though I checked off that I took my pain meds, I didn’t. I took them and tried to nap but my foot wasn’t having it.

I am hurting a great deal because of the trash. I had taken a shower so I am sure that just stressed me without realizing it. I am so tired of being in pain. I am trying not to freak out over tomorrow. Tomorrow I see the pain doc and I hope my pain meds will be changed. My PCP has written my current meds which I will pick up tomorrow before the appointment should the pain doc not prescribe or if there is a problem filling them at the pharmacy so I will have meds over the weekend. I am seeing the pain doc late so by the time I get home, and if there is a problem, I won’t be able to fix it until Monday, which will leave me with no meds.

I wanted to write a blog last night but nothing was coming to me. I had woken up around 1500 so there wasn’t much to talk about. I had written a blog around 0600. I don’t know why blogging is becoming so hard for me. I guess it is hard when there is no feedback and I feel like I am just throwing the words out but no one is reading. There may be a few who read the blog for the day but no comment or like. I don’t think I got a like on my blog since last week. This blog is just an outlet for me but lately, I just say the same things. Pain, routine, end of blog.

There was a wonderful facebook post about Kate Spade. She is the fashion bag designer that died by suicide the other day. The write wrote about how she knew this actor had cancer and the type it was and listed a few people with other chronic illnesses, but you don’t hear about people with depression or anxiety or schizophrenia. No one wants to hear that. Everyone seems to judge them on their character, saying if you are this then you can’t be depressed or anxious or have a serious mental illness. Stigma kills so many people who want to get help yet are afraid about how they will be perceived after they have or even to admit they have a mental illness.

My blog started off as a way to talk about suicide because no one was. It is a daily struggle for me but I have stopped because there are people out there who don’t understand or are fearful about it so they report me. I had it happen on Twitter the other day. Just because someone says they are thinking about ending their lives doesn’t mean they are going to right then and there. Talk to them about it. Be there for them. Don’t make them feel more crazy than they are already feeling. Be a support to them and if need be, go with them to get help. Admitting you have a problem is only half the battle. I know so many people who have serious issues and the one thing holding them back is fear of how they are going to be perceived by others. Fuck them. You need help, get it. Simple as that. If the first person you talk to you don’t like or doesn’t fit with you, try someone else. I went through so many therapists to find the right one. And even though the therapist I see now is not right for me, he is good enough. Yes, rejection hurts. I have been rejected by so many therapists because of my suicidal history it is not funny. But I didn’t let that stop me from finding the one I am with now. If the psychiatrist you are with doesn’t help you, there are others. Find them. I know it’s not easy and you think you are hopeless, but you are not. That is the depression lying to you. Too many families go through heartbreak because one member doesn’t seek help they need. Take the step. There are resources out there. Check out NAMI or Google a search for therapists in your area. Talk to your primary doctor about how you are feeling and that you need help. They can often refer you to someone. Or call your insurance and find out who is accepting new patients. Ask how recent the list is because most therapists (as I found out) are not always seeing new patients as the list is old and hasn’t been updated in years.

Anxiety, pain, and PTSD. What a mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, CES, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, PTSD

I am having moving pain, going up half way my leg and back down to the bones in my foot. I’m kind of freaking out because my nerve injury started that way. It is setting off PTSD for me. Have had nightmares all night so not sleeping well. Took some ativan, neurontin and fiber because my bowels are stuck again. I am fearful of what is going to happen when I change my meds. PT said take the laxatives before dose. Great. Also if pain doc for some reason doesn’t prescribe me my meds, I am screwed. I need a refill of meds this week and don’t see him till late Friday afternoon. Emailed my pcp this concern. I don’t want to be out of meds on a weekend. Just a little more anxiety this week.

I went to PT yesterday. She said I have one of two muscles pulled that affect the groin but not sure which one. The good news it is not coming from my back and I don’t have bursitis or arthritis in my hip. If I did, she would send me back to my doc.

It was good seeing her. She is still recovering from a little major surgery. A muscle in her thigh popped out. Yikes! Even while she was examining me, her leg started to fatigue. She had the surgery last month. I feel for her.

Because it was my groin, she started moving her hand feeling about and when she got to a certain point, I started to get uncomfortable because of my sexual abuse history. I felt uncomfortable telling her but she quickly stopped and I was grateful. That area has always made me tense, even with female doctors. I didn’t see my male pcp on this issue because I didn’t want him touching me there. I know they need to and they are professionals so aren’t going to hurt me but it still makes me uncomfortable and tense.

I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I couldn’t think of a title. That is usually the first order of business. Then I can write. I had stuff to talk about but without a title, I couldn’t write. I tried for 2 hours and then gave up.

Most of the night, I’ve been having nightmares. I don’t know why. I am not prone to them. Usually i just have weird or bad dreams but nothing that wakes me feeling scared and have to turn on the light to know it was a dream. Just felt like people we out to get me. I am sure the anxiety i am having this week hasn’t helped.

Not sure what I’ll be doing today. Probably sleeping but I’ve been up since 330 and despite taking my meds, I don’t feel tired 2 hours later. I had a fluffernutter. It is a sandwich made with peanut butter and Fluff, a marshmallow spread. It is a New England staple as Fluff was invented in a town nearby Boston. They recently celebrated the 100 year Anniversary of the patent being sold to a factory in Lynn, which is north of Boston.

My ankle bone is being hammered like it was when I woke up two hours ago. Guess I’ll have to add the strong pain pill to the mix. I hate bone pain more than any other CRPS pain.

feeling low and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling low and other thoughts

My mood tanked big time today and I don’t know why. I had massive psychache followed by increased suicidal thoughts, which appeared totally out of the blue. I posted them on Twitter as I was just fed up with it. Next thing I know, Twitter sends me an email saying someone reported me out of concern for my safety. WTF. I have no idea who did it but I wrote a tweet to stay off my timeline. Don’t know if that will be effective but at least it is out there.

I don’t understand why talking about being depressed and suicidal without intent is troubling to other people. Maybe I am jaded to it. I could see if I posted ya, I am suicidal and I just took x amount of pills, good bye. But I didn’t. If you read the thread, you can see it was just out of frustration I was writing. I was fearful my account would be suspended but it wasn’t, thank god. I have heard people getting suspended for posting their thoughts when they were not going to act. I understand why people react that way but it still is aggravating to deal with and I think shuts people down so they don’t have a voice online to say what they feel, especially those with mental illness.

I watched a movie and my mood got a little better. All over Twitter there were reports of a kidnapping of a 7 month old baby taken at knife point. That and of course the orange buffoon because he can’t shut his trap for one day. Now he wants to pardon himself. Idiot. If he didn’t do anything wrong, why would there be reason to pardon himself?? I am NOT saying by any means he is innocent but that just screams guilty to me. Mueller needs to hurry the fuck up.

I didn’t do anything today. I thought about going to Walgreens to get my prescription but I just couldn’t bother. I didn’t want to go out in the rain. The temps have been really cool today. I took my night meds early because I kept cramping between my back and ankle. I didn’t want to take 2 mg of Ativan so just took my meds early. There is no Sox game tonight as they are off. Around 4 I was looking at my Twitter timeline trying to find the lineup when I realized they were off.

I finally finished 1984 today. The last 6% was all bullshit or short stories of other stuff the author wrote. That bugs me because I don’t care. When the author says “The End” that should be it!! I am going to try and read Brother Karamazov now. I have about 200 pages or so. Should be fun. I was hoping to get some reading done this weekend but it never happened because of pain.

Sunday sauce (gravy) making

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday sauce (gravy) making

I forgot I ordered meatballs with my grocery order. I haven’t had pasta and meatballs in a long time. My mother has not made a gravy since she doesn’t have meat. Or she might have it but needs hamburger to make meatballs. Anyway, I decided to make gravy today. I am wiped out. The humidity finally went down by 30 points so it’s back to being cool. I feel cold and might put on a long sleeve shirt soon.

Feet were cold in the kitchen so I put a compression sock on my bad foot and a regular sock on my regular one. My ankle is still painfully swollen. Being on my feet cooking didn’t help. I watched the Golden Girls while the gravy cooked. It cooked pretty fast, within two hours. I wanted to rest a bit before I made the pasta.

My mother went over my cousin’s house so I will just be having dinner by myself. I’ll probably make the pasta in an hour or so. I thought of having spaghetti but now I am thinking of rigatoni so I will flip for it when I go downstairs. I had a few meatballs, just to make sure they were good, LOL. I love meatballs. It is my favorite in a gravy. I am glad I have rolls as I can make a sub.

My cheap massagers came. I need to go downstairs to get them. Of course they came within minutes of me sitting in my room. Never fails. I hope they work out the knots in my legs. I need to use the tennis ball for my back. Last night my back was hurting me so bad from the spine going out toward my hip. The muscles were so sore. I know it is because of the stupid temp changes. Going from 80 to 57 is painful when you got arthritis and chronic pain.

Sox won last night. They came back in superb fashion, with dingers!! I am glad. I found out how the percentage is calculated. Because the stupid snakes have played less games than the Sox, that is why their percentage is higher than ours, making them look like they are in first but they are really a game and half behind, which makes no sense as they have played five less games than them. Irritating!! They should be 5.5 games behind but I don’t make the rules. Final game with Houston is tonight. I am glad they are playing at 7. They are off tomorrow and then will be back in Boston to play the Tigers.

I ended up canceling therapy tomorrow. I don’t know if I will be able to continue to go weekly. Lately, it has been every other week. It sucks but there is nothing I can do about it as my flares have been awful lately. Maybe when my pain med changes I can do more things. I talked with a friend who is on the med and he said expect to be sick the first 2-3 days. Lovely. He has been on the same dose for 15 years and it works for him. I just hope I don’t have any problems filling it.