Category: CRPS

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

Saturday blog 10 Feb 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I didn’t go to sleep till around 5 am. I was in pain all night. I was in severe pain when I woke up 5 hours later. I took some more meds as it was close to 12 hours since my last dose. I feel like shit. My mother made pork chops for dinner. I was glad as that meant I didn’t have to cook. I wanted bacon though so I heated it up. It was the pre-made kind.

I will be taking my night meds soon and going back to sleep. I am so tired. I have no energy to do anything. I might make a cup of orange spice tea. It is herbal and no caffeine. I finally remembered to buy it on my last grocery order. I started making another order the other night when I couldn’t sleep. Just my Powerade and ribs alone was $50. I go through like 20 bottles of Powerade a month. They are kind of expensive and not really on sale. Another grocery store has them for less but they don’t carry the flavor I like.

Tomorrow is the wake for my aunt. I plan on just wearing jeans and a dress shirt. I don’t have dress/casual pants that fit me. I hate being so heavy. I’ve been trying to watch what I eat but it is hard. I will be seeing family members I have not seen in a long time.

I sent my psychiatrist an email but I don’t think I made much sense. It was late and I don’t even remember what I wrote. She didn’t respond so I guess that is a good thing.

Pain is creeping up again. Hope it doesn’t keep me up another night. It will be the third night in a row. I am so tired of being in severe pain all the time. It really sucks.

discouraged and fatigued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I have serious mental illness that disrupts my thoughts and shifts my mood to hopelessness and suicidal in an instant. I lose motivation to do things. Just getting out of the house is hard. 2 this condition is flat out driving me insane.

I asked my physio what are the goals of therapy and she laid it out for me and stressed I need to be doing the home exercises to regain what I have lost. It is stressing me out that going to my appts and then having to rest the day after or two is not working. I’m still in pain. She wants me to go to some functional program. But it takes full commitment, 2 or 3 days of being there 8-2pm. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’ve been up all night in pain. Monday’s are worse because I have to walk to my therapist’s office. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to lay around the house and go to Starbucks and write. But pain is limiting me to even do that. I’m not adequately controlled with my pain so how the hell can I do these exercises if I hurt. Just fed up and want to quit everything.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My PT emailed me with goals and wanting me to go to a functional program at a different SRH location. My depression makes doing anything hard. Pain compounds this. I haven’t been doing much with the home exercises because I am exhausted after going to an appt the day before or even going to PT appt. PT is saying I need to commit to the therapy to regain function (haven’t had function in my ankle for 17 yrs mind you) and decrease fatigue in my foot/ankle. I’m starting to feel like a failure but I am not getting adequate pain control and I don’t know if I ever will. Just making breakfast today and taking out the trash hurt me. Making the squash killed me. Going up and down stairs hurts every single day and I do that a lot. Add the PT and it will overflow me. I feel like I am drowning. I am out of the house at least 3 times a week. I just can’t keep up. I move I hurt. I don’t move I hurt. How can I win?

If I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I am just going to end it. Why bother?

Sunday blog 28 Jan 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I didn’t have s good day. I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. Woke up every few hours to take more meds for relief. When I woke up during the morning hours, my back was hurting. It had started last night before I laid down. I had sneezed earlier in the day. I think I pulled a muscle. I wanted to use a tennis ball some time today to massage it out but never did. I feel so useless. I had bouts of anger today at my condition.

I don’t want to continue with physical therapy. I keep going back and forth. I just want to call tomorrow and cancel my remaining appts. Only thing is, I just ordered a mirror from Amazon last night. Couldn’t sleep so I was browsing. Found one that I think might work. I don’t know if it will help me. A couple of people in my CRPS group are doing it but they aren’t sure about it either. I think I just want to be better now and it is not going to happen. It is going to take time like dealing with the depression. You don’t want to wait for the meds to work in 6 to 8 weeks, you want relief now. It is very hard.

I had a somewhat good time when I went over my cousin’s last night. I ate more than I should have. Oh well. He really doesn’t understand chronic physical illness. He said that he knew someone that was like me, that canceled on short noticed. He said he “understands” but he didn’t. I brought it up to him that it is hard to be social when you are in pain. I had a better time talking to his walls. Jerk. The whole time he talked about his anxiety and money issues. His phone kept ringing and he would answer to say he has company. He smoked 4 cigarettes while I was there. I had to shower when I came home.

I wanted to bake today but it never happened. I have to use the zucchini soon or it will go bad. Maybe Tuesday I’ll make it. Depends on how I feel. I have back to back appts tomorrow so will be out most of the afternoon. I don’t know what kind of stress that will cause. Just hope I can sleep at a reasonable hour tomorrow. I’m going to read a chapter of my baseball history book. I wanted to read at least two so will settle for one. I haven’t touched the book in a week. Seems I only read on weekends. Least I am reading something other than social media.