Category: depression

Back making it impossible to sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am having a hard time. Not emotionally, per se, but physically. My vision is still messed up and I got headaches which means I got to call my neurosurgeon tomorrow morning to get some treatment. I am scared as he said i would need surgery. I was hoping the steroids would be all that I needed but I guess that isn’t enough. To make matters worse, my back hasn’t let up in pain or cramps so I am having a hard time trying to sleep on top of the headache and worry.

The sad part is only my youngest sister knows what is going on with me. I told her my wishes should things become serious, like if I needed to be intubated or something. That is how scared I am, thinking of the worst possible scenario. The other sad part is I know I won’t be able to have visitors if I need surgery again. That really sucks. I hated not having anyone see me while I was recovering from surgery. It would have been good to see a friend or two. But because of Covid, visitors weren’t allowed, not even employees of the hosp.

I just watched a program to try and get my mind ready for sleep but as usual, it woke me up rather than make me sleepy. This is why I don’t watch too much TV because it riles me up and keeps me awake, especially if it is a good program. I was watching the law drama “All Rise.” It is a good show and I like it a lot. I think it is just one season and I am half way through it right now. I am tempted to watch another episode but it is already 0130 and I don’t want to be up later than 0200. My body tends to fight sleep after that hour and it is a struggle to wind down. Course if I wasn’t in pain, I probably would be sleeping by now.

Thing with my back is I am not sure how much of it has to do with the operation and how much is due to surgical complications. I know I don’t have adequate pain relief. I really need to talk to my pcp but I am just scared he is going to say no. I maybe a writer but it takes me hours to find the right words to even ask him. I just am not good at asking what I need. I rather just let it go, even if that means I have to suffer with pain. It just doesn’t come easy with me.

life worth living, the book

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Life worth living, the book

I have been reading Marsha Linehan’s memoir, Building a life worth living. Today I learned something that is spot on with how I am. I have what is known as “apparent competence”. It is when you basically show that you are functioning but inside you are dying from pain. I love this term and I highlighted it. I think I am going to learn from this book what I haven’t been able to in others and that is to know myself better. Dr. Linehan’s life and mine is very different but we suffered the same kind of pain that made us want to end our life. I am still thinking of ending my life while she has moved on. I just can’t seem to do that. I think if I didn’t have chronic physical pain, I might be able to live. But with it, I don’t think I have a chance.

I had a zoom call with a dear friend. She noticed my beard and commented on it. She loves the transformation that I am going through and it made me feel good as she knew me before I started my transition and came out as trans. She has been so supportive and I love her for that. Not too many close friends are as supportive as she is. Most don’t understand and won’t try to because they are stuck in their ways, the black and white thinking.

I went out today. I had to go to the pharmacy and pick up my meds. The damn pharmacist was an idiot as he said he couldn’t fill it then when I told him it was a 28 day, he said he could. I had to fill it today or I wouldn’t have meds for this evening and going to Tues would be terrible. I hate that I have these restrictions on my pain meds. It really sucks to be in this kind of a bind. Back and ankle have been switching off hurting today so I was glad I went out for a bit to stretch my legs. I have been in bed since then. I just can’t bear the pain because my back hurts so much. The muscle relaxants aren’t working as well as they used to. I don’t know if I have developed a tolerance to it or what. Just sucks because the cramps are so bad I can hardly stand up more than 10 minutes.

I have been trying to keep my fluid intake up because it is kind of warm these days. It has been hard because I haven’t had too much of a thirst. My bladder function is dependent on the fluid intake so I need to drink in order to go. Otherwise, I have to cath and I would prefer not to do that. I had to last night before bed because it was more than 5 hours and I wasn’t getting any urge to go despite drinking a lot. It is a catch 22 with the bladder. I can drink a lot but not have an urge or drink the same amount and get an urge. I have no idea what causes what and when. It drives me crazy.

I need to cut my fingernails. It is the one self-care thing that I absolutely loathe. I wish they didn’t grow so damn fast. Seems like I got to cut them every damn week. But I like when my nails are short. That is the only good thing about doing the deed.

Saturday Blog 16052020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 16052020

I took a shower today. I felt like I needed one after sweating most of the night because my room was hot. We had thunderstorms last night so I had to shut my window, which I did right before the torrential downpour. It was good timing on my part. The rains started an hour after they were supposed to start so I had waited long enough. I really just wanted to go to sleep. I woke up at 4 am to use the bathroom and then was in pain until pain meds calmed it down enough so I could go back to sleep. I slept till around noon. It was nice.

I didn’t do anything else today. I want to start a new book but I don’t know which one to read. I want to start the Marsha Linehan memoir but I don’t know where it scurried off to. I put it in a “place I remembered” and of course forgot where that is. I will go looking for it after I write this blog. It probably is just under some stuff that have fallen.

I am kind of in a depressed mood. I keep thinking of how limited I am in my recovery. I know I said I showered and that was laborious. I was so tired afterwards I just wanted to sleep. My back was cramping big time and it still is cramping. I can’t seem to calm it down and it’s just like things are always going to be this way. It is getting me down. I am having trouble keeping in mind that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been two months almost. I think I really need to be back in PT but with the covid restrictions I don’t think I can right now. I also don’t know if it is safe to do so with the fluid build up in my back, which could be why I am hurting so much. I just wish I had enough pain medication to cover the amount of pain I am in. I think I am going to ask my pcp for an increase in dose. Worse he could say is no, which will probably be the answer anyways.

If I can’t find the Linehan book, I just bought a history book on Reagan and Gorbachev on the Cold War. I am interested in how that came about. I hope it is a good book. It isn’t too long so I am looking forward to reading it if I can’t find the memoir. I just need to find a bookmark. Think I will try and find the CRPS ones that I bought a few months ago. Those are nice and sturdy. I got them from a UK organization. They have some good information about the condition on Twitter and FB. I don’t remember the name of it off the top of my head but if I do, I will post a pic of the bookmark on my next post.

Friday nights

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday nights

For the past month or so, my cousins on my father’s side get together for a zoom call. It has been fun and a way to pass the boredom. We had over 40 minutes for the first call and then after it we got 40 which kind of sucked but we made do. I was in charge of the meetings but because of my current problem with my back, my cousin took it over. I am relieved as now she has the responsibility of it. LOL.

Today has been a not so great day. I’ve had side effects from the Invega for most of the day. It really sucked because I had to take meds that made me sleepy so I slept most of the day. It was all I could do. I guess it was good as I needed the rest. My back is spazzing periodically right now. It is driving me crazy. I already took my meds so there is nothing I can do about it.

A friend texted me tonight and asked how I was doing. I told her and we talked for a bit. I have been friends with her for the last several years. She just got diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel bad and hope I don’t lose her as she has the advance types. She is a good friend of mine and I would hate to lose her. But it sounds like chemo is working and surgery is coming so hopefully things will be better after surgery.

I really need to get back in the habit of washing my face. I am getting little breakouts of zits and I don’t like it. It is hard to get rid of the suckers. Sometimes they go away on their own but most of the time they are too small to break or in a position that isn’t good to “pop”. I hate when that happens. Only reason I haven’t been washing is because my back keeps cramping while standing. I can either brush my teeth or wash and I choose to brush my teeth. I don’t know what will make the cramps go away. I think I need PT but with the spinal leak, I can’t be moving around so much. Just sucks right now. I wish I could have the wipes or something but they are so expensive and not really made for acne. Just for washing off make up. I use the spot treatment for the zits sometimes but it takes some remembering to use it.

It was warm today and because of the pressure changing we are having thunderstorms right now with gusty winds. There is a tornado warning in effect for western Mass. Hope there is no tornado. I hate the destruction they cause. I am so hot in my room because the ceiling fan only does so much. I don’t think I am going to sleep very well because I have to sleep in a cool room. I might have to take some clothes off, lol.