Category: mood disorders
wanting to hide under the couch
Wanting to hide under the couch
Yesterday after I left my PT office, I was walking to the grocery store and I took a nosedive to the ground. My left foot didn’t clear the damn sidewalk because it was unlevel. Most of the sidewalks in the area are like that and I tweeted to the city about how awful their streets are but of course, no response because they are assholes. Today I am so sore. Every muscle hurts. But I had to see my psychiatrist so went. I had decided to wear the new brace I bought but I must have had it too tight or maybe it is too small, either way when I got to the hospital, I took the sucker off. I won’t be wearing it again.
My psych appointment went well until she asked me when my next book was coming out. I panicked and swear I wanted to hide under the couch I was sitting on. I told her about the story I had in my head but it was too emotional to write but am trying to find a way to do that so I don’t go nuts. I don’t know if this story, when it gets written, will be published. I think if you have been following my blog, you know my dilemma surrounding that issue. There are characters that I am not sure I can use without infringing on copyrights. I might change names if I have to, which is easy enough. Or just use their rank, now that I think about it. I don’t know. Everything is up in the air and stuff. So we discussed that and whatever I do, she will support me. HA I think she is bias but what do I know. This is our 26th Anniversary. We don’t know the exact date but know it is the beginning of February. I am grateful she is still working with me.
On the way home, I thought my legs were going to collapse. I had been leaning on one or the other. Using a cane wasn’t helpful. It just caused me more pain. I am definitely using a walker when I see the PT next week and I told her so. She said it was a good idea seeing as I have had balance issues. She did show me ways of turning so I don’t fall. It is all because my ankles are being taxed too much. So until my right leg is strong enough, I have to do what I can in the form of using aids. She wants me to bring in the walker I am using so that it is right for me and that I am using it right, I guess. Next week is going to be tough because I have PT and then I need to see my new PCP, I hope. His office is further from the train station and I know after PT I am going to need the support of the walker as a cane is just not going to be steady enough.
I am in mega pain. My left ankle had started to hurt soon as I woke this morning when my med alarm went off. Miraculously, I had slept through the night for the first time in a very long time. I had only gotten 2 hours sleep yesterday so I was glad I got more than 6 hours today. I took my night meds early as well as other stuff to try and calm down this flare I am having. My foot feels like it is going to cramp awfully bad at any moment. And the fall I took didn’t help matters. My left arm too the majority of the weight as well as my knees which are a nice shade of black at the moment. My left arm is sore as well as my left shoulder. I had placed a call to my mother and just putting the phone to my ear hurt and caused pain across my clavicle (collar bone to all you non-medical people). I hope I didn’t damage anything and it is just sore from using my backpack. I had my backpack on me yesterday which clunked me in the head and then fell on my neck. My neck is also sore but not as much as my limbs. I didn’t have my cane with me so had to hunker home without it. Then I had to go to urgent care because I thought I broke one of my knuckles as there was a pinching at the bone and it was swollen. Such awful fall but thankfully nothing is broken just sore as hell. I am not doing anything this weekend. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get what I needed but couldn’t carry with me but it can wait. I am just mad that in my hurry to get home, I didn’t purchase the roast beef I wanted! I went to the deli and put it on the holder thing but just rang up the Powerade, paid, and left without the roast beef! I didn’t realize it until I was on the waiting for the bus at the train station. Stupid me. I will get it probably Monday when my muscles have a chance to recuperate.
Meds are kicking in and I haven’t had supper or anything to eat since 11 am. I am hungry but don’t think I can go downstairs. I don’t want food in my room. I don’t think my mother can make it up the stairs anyways. She is having a hard time getting around worse than me but won’t go to PT or see the doctor about it. She just uses the walker around the house. We share it LOL. When she isn’t using it, I will. I am getting so sleepy that I don’t think going downstairs is a good idea. I have peanut butter protein bars in my room but lately they have been bothering my stomach, even though I drink a lot of fluid to help it digest better. I don’t know why peanut butter is bothering my stomach so much lately. I love it but I guess my stomach doesn’t anymore. Think I will nap and if I wake up later, I will go eat if my legs don’t fall off.
From 11/22/2015
From 11/22/2015
Around this time, I was having trouble with my therapist. We were fighting over my suicidality. This is just one piece of the pie. Today 13/Feb/19, things haven’t changed. I still feel suicidal. I still want to write that note. I still want to drink that shot. I am seeking oblivion from feeling so empty and hurt. February since 2001 has been filled with anniversaries. The last one of ending both therapists, one temporarily. The other permanently. My heart is broken. I feel unloved. I feel uncared for. I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to. I miss going to Starbucks and writing, even if it was in my journal only.
I just have physical therapy now. My schedule is an open book. Sure I see my psychiatrist every two weeks and will be seeing a new PCP. My life is surrounded my doctor appts.
My heart is aching so bad right now. I don’t think it will ever heal. I think dying is better.
Written 22/Nov/15
Regarding my suicidal career
I have been feeling like I should write a suicide note. I don’t know why this popped into my head tonight. I have been really struggling with suicide the past few days. I have a suicidogenic mother. She just brings it out in me. Tonight she called me “dear”. Last night she was calling me a lazy ass and tonight I am a dear? I know she was being sarcastic. She didn’t mean it. Neither parent ever means what they say so how am I supposed to believe them?
I sometimes don’t trust what my sister says either. I am not an emotional person. I just feel cut off from my feelings sometimes. Other times I am just so depressed I can’t do anything. I feel suicidal and that is all that I will feel. I don’t feel angry, I feel hurt most of the time.
I have been avoiding Twitter tonight because I am TiVo’g the American Music Awards and I don’t want to hear about it until I watch it. It’s so hard not being on Twitter. I would so love to tweet some more lyrics of Eric Church.
I am struggling with my suicidality. It would be so easy to die right now. And no one would know until the morning. But I don’t know how to kill myself. That is the whole fucking problem. I don’t have a gun or a high place. I don’t even have a beam to hang myself from. And you can’t die by wishing it. I tried that many a times and I am still here. I feel embarrassed that I told my cousins that I was poor. I don’t know why I told them that. It just came up and I blurted it out without thinking. Now they think whatever they think of me. They probably think I am a loser. That is bothering me, too. I feel like such a jerk. I really want to drink my problems away but I know that won’t help. Plus I just took my pain medication so that wouldn’t be a great idea. My therapist would have a cow if I drank and had my pain meds. She nearly had a coronary the last time I drank and took the meds. All it was, was two pain pills and a shot or two of gin. I didn’t even get drunk. I just slept really good. I don’t think I took my night meds. Tonight I took my night meds so no drinking. I hate that I am so strict with myself about alcohol. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would love some honey whiskey. I have decided that for my birthday I am having 4 shots of whiskey, one for each decade I am alive, that is if I am still around. Tomorrow will mark one month till D-Day. I am so disgusted with myself for living this long. I never wanted to be an adult. I just really hate myself.
My cousin called me tonight. Left me a message saying where am I, how am I doing, the usual bullshit I hear from him when he doesn’t call me every night. He wants me to call him in the morning. HA, I had to laugh. He won’t be up. He is the one that is healthy but has bipolar disorder. He also is the one that calls me when my mother has groceries. I don’t like talking with him because he never understands the depth of my depressions. He doesn’t get suicidal with his depressions. He just barely functions (according to him) but he does the shopping with my mother and my aunt. He takes care of himself pretty good. Better than I do. I barely left the bed today. Only time I left my room today was to make something to eat or to have dinner with my mother. I didn’t even pee that much today because I haven’t been drinking any fluids. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is always orange. I have no thirst. I am past that. Sometimes I will get thirsty but it’s rare. I bought some orangata by San Pellangrino. I like it. Maybe it will help my dehydration. My grocery bill is over $200. I bought a lot of oatmeal and pancake stuff. I like getting the big stuff because I make a lot of oatmeal pancakes. I also like the simply orange juice and juice isn’t cheap anymore. My mother won’t buy it because it’s more than $3. I also bought a 9×13 pan that was on sale. But those pans are hard to find so I hope it doesn’t crack. It’s a pyrex dish with a cover. I bought it to make my brownies for my birthday. I figure I might as well have what I want for my birthday and this year I want a brownie cake with cool whip and cherries on top. All my mother has to do is mix it and put it in the pan. She also needs to buy the cool whip. I don’t know how long it stays so I figure when it gets closer to my day, she can get it. This is if I make it to my birthday
harrowing friggen day part 2
Harrowing friggin day part 2
So Thursday I saw my neuro. I took my walker because I knew I was going to be hurting walking to the hospital and back. It was a good idea because it also meant I got a seat and the T driver of the trolley waited for me. That was really nice of him. The appointment sucked. She had the basics of CRPS but couldn’t really treat the new symptoms I was having so just said to take Neurontin 3 times a day and have the PT I am seeing use the TENS machine on my foot. I don’t think PT will be able to do this because I am seeing them for my right foot not my left. The PT has told me that they cannot work on two limbs at the same time, the insurance just won’t pay for it. So I am not sure what will happen when I see the PT on Tuesday. I walked away cursing and by the time I got home, I was in so much pain, I just wanted to take my meds and go to bed, which I wanted so badly to do but pain stopped me. I had woken up at 5 am and reached the overtired phase. I couldn’t sleep. I think around 330-345 I laid down but pain caused me to sit up again. By this time it was after 5 am so I was up for 24 hours for the first time ever. When I finally fell asleep, I didn’t wake up until after 1 pm. I stayed up for a few hours and tried to go back to sleep before midnight but that didn’t happen.
Friday I was in no mood to do anything. I was still in pain and I was taking a lot of Neurontin to cope (also hoping it would knock me out). I wanted to shower but I knew that if I tried to stand, I would pay. I had taken a shower the day before and before I even left the house, I was in a lot of pain. This didn’t bode well as it was before noon. The weather has been up and down like crazy. There were a few days that were in the 60s and then it went down to 30s on Thursday so I knew that was one reason. It didn’t improve much the last two days as it got really cold but up to the 50s then back down again. I think it went down to 28 degrees last night. It was so cold, I wore a knitted hat, mostly because I just shaved my head and the coldness in my room made me feel cold. I wore a thermal shirt all weekend. I slept most of the day yesterday. I kind of knew I would because it is always the day after that I am super sleepy for being sleep deprived.
Today I woke up at 7 to use the bathroom and then went back to sleep. I took my morning meds and then passed out. I woke up again at noon. I wasn’t really hungry but I definitely wanted coffee. I had a pop tart. My mother was finishing lunch and watching a Hallmark movie with Kelly Martin playing detective. There was a Matthew playing and my mother thought it was McConaughey. I had to look up the series to find the actor because she didn’t believe me that it wasn’t him. He is too big of an actor to play on Hallmark. I remember to seeing Kelly Martin on the 7th Heaven. She was a teen then. She looks so much older on the series so I looked her up and found she was only two months older than I am! Shit! I never knew that. I guess people age differently even if they are born the same year as you.
I wanted to make cookies today but after I had my coffee, I didn’t want to do anything. I woke up with my upper right arm being itchy. I asked my mother if something was there and she said I had a rash. I was nervous as the Lamictal can cause rashes. I took a shower hoping to wash away the irritant. It has so far, stopped itching. I hope no where else itches because I really don’t want to be allergic to this drug. I have been on it for 5 weeks now. Today will be the start of the 6th, which reminds me I need to do my med boxes. I want to clean the blades of my ceiling fan as they are full of dust. But I need to find the duster and the cloth thing that goes with it. I know the vicinity where they are. I just am too lazy to get up and do it. The shower wiped me out. Maybe I will do it later. I just want to read my book today. I am getting behind in my reading as I didn’t read for three days. I wanted to read while riding to my neuro appointment but I just ended up listening to music. I also found that some music was missing again. GGRRRR I had to uninstall/reinstall the Amazon app. I decided to move the music to a different folder so if I have to do it again, I won’t lose the music again, hopefully. I don’t know why the music file is different than it was. It has a bunch of letters and then the artist/album/song.mp3. Maybe that is so people won’t distribute the music? I don’t know. I have transferred the files to different media (like my SD card and other phones) and the tracks still work. Nix the dusting. Ankle just started hurting, the fucker.
I sort of joined this writing community on Twitter. I followed a bunch of authors and have been picking up some info about writing and the publishing. One person I just followed is also an editor willing to edit your book. I thought that was neat. I asked how much she charges, like per word or word count. She was vague and just said word count. I am not sure I trust someone that is vague. I don’t have anything in progress. I want to start on this story that I started last year but never went back to. I still am not sure if it is worth writing or not. I honestly don’t know if I will just write it just to get it out of my head and then have no one see it or what. I really don’t know if I can publish it because I might be infringing copyrights and stuff. That is the one setback in why I haven’t written. I would hate to write all this stuff and get emotional just for it to sit on my hard drive or other media because of this. But then, I can write it and just be done with it. If it gets published one day, fine. If not, then so be it. I really need to find out about it and I should ask someone who has written with these characters before. I just don’t know if he will talk to me or not.
midnightdemons7 
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