Category: mood disorders

exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

Exhausted

I’ve been listening to “tis the damn season” by Taylor Swift since noon time. Just a damn good song. I went to PT. It went well. I had to get some dry needling on my shoulder because it became hard as a rock. I need to put some heat on it later. We discussed Covid and she said there was a conditioning program that my PCP can refer me to so that I can get my strength back. I said I would get the referral when I got home.

After PT, I went to the square to get my ATM card to my name instead of my dead name. It took about a half hour. The weather got colder and there were snow flurries. I got a wrap at the grocery store so I would have something to eat for my dinner. It was a good turkey with brie and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite kind of wrap.

I am in my room and I am freezing. I just want to get under the covers and sleep. I am totally exhausted. My legs are killing me. Today is my niece’s birthday but I don’t think I am going to go to her party as it isn’t until 7 and I am really tired right now. I just told my sister I wasn’t going down for cake. I am too tired. I am having bladder cramps and they are really bad. I came close to having cath tonight because it had been more than 6 hours since I last voided. I am not in a good space right now. I feel like my body is failing me and I am so upset with the gender dysphoria of having cramps that feel like period cramps. I still don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder giving me these cramps. But it is going on three days now.

I bought some BZK wipes in case I do have to cath. Least I can wipe myself and not have to worry so much about getting an infection. I just put them in the bathroom. I feel like the cramps are my fault that I should have gone to the bathroom sooner or something but if anything the cramps should be going away now that my bladder is empty and it is not. I am so frustrated that I can’t tell if it is my uterus or not. I shouldn’t have a uterus to begin with for fucks sake. I really need to see the gyn so I can get a hysterectomy and be done with it. The dysphoria I am having with these stupid cramps is horrible. I really just want to die. I want to act on my thoughts. I won’t though for the sole reason this will pass, eventually. I am going to call the gyn tomorrow and see if I can schedule an appointment to see her for the female exam that I hate so much. I am overdue for the test and she needs to do a pre op exam. I am not looking forward to this exam at all. But I can’t put it off anymore. The cramping needs to stop.

Saturday Blog 27032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 27032021

I ran a lot of errands today. I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well last night either because I kept on waking up with the blankets off me. I was cold. The temp dropped during the night. It is a nice 66 degrees in my room right now, a little on the chilly side but I like cold. My back is hurting me. I stood longer than I should have while doing my errands. I shaved and showered today. I also put gel in my hair to spike it up. It didn’t spike the way I wanted to so it just looks like my hair is standing up.  I think I used the wrong kind of gel.

My bladder started the day before 8 am. I couldn’t go back to sleep after I took my meds so I just had coffee. I forgot to brush my teeth. I have been forgetting more often than not lately. I need to be better about it. I will try later after I take my night meds to brush.

It’s 50 degrees out but it is getting really windy out so it’s probably closer to 45 degrees out. I have my ceiling fan on but am thinking about shutting it off because I am getting cold. I really just want to get under the covers and sleep. Last night I went to bed before 8 pm and I was up all hours of the night. Sometimes in pain other times I just couldn’t go back to sleep or had to pee.

My neck is starting to hurt. I can’t remember the last time I put heat on it. I don’t feel like going downstairs. My legs hurt too much to do stairs. I am listening to my top 25 songs, which is mostly Eric Church’s album Mr. Misunderstood. I am not surprised as I have listened to it more than a hundred times. It is one of my favorite albums. So many good songs are on this album. I am really shocked they didn’t release Mixed drinks with feelings. I love this song so much it is in competition with One Number Away by Luke Combs.

I just took my night meds. The new alpha blocker hasn’t caused me any dizziness so far. I have decided that I need to take Miralax every day if I want to have a bowel movement. There is no other way. The senna seems to keep me in check once the hard stuff goes. It is getting the hard stuff to go that is the problem. I have to be careful because if I over do it, I will have bowel accidents and that kills me every time they happen. The last time it happened my sister was in the shower and I didn’t want to bother her so I thought I could hold it. Yeah right. Truly sucked.

feeling exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling exhausted

Since Wed’s appointment I have been feeling exhausted. It was a long test and not much came from it except that the doctor switched alpha blockers. I see the NP in a month to see how things are going and if I am voiding. She was very worried about me not going for 18 hours and had me promise to cath if it should happen again. My legs have been sore the past two days and it has been hard to walk. I need to take a shower and haven’t had the energy to. I also need to shave. I got my haircut on Wed and have not taken any selfies because my hair isn’t spiked like I want it. Yesterday I was supposed to get the vaccine but I was just hurting too much. I didn’t sleep because of shoulder pain and my legs were horrible. I just wanted to rest in my bed. Today I had groceries delivered and that took a lot out of me. I was able to take a nap. My appetite has been low the past few days. I have been eating but very little. I had my biscuits with my coffee today and just now had a bowl of cereal. I think that is all I am going to have today.

My neck has been awful all week. I canceled PT yesterday because I hurt too much with my legs. I hated doing it but walking hurt so much yesterday. I am in a lousy mood. Surgery didn’t help me like I thought it did and that is really hard to take. I had a hard time emptying my bladder. The stress of the test left me feeling really tired. I sent a message to my uro to find out if it is the same thing that is wrong, that the bladder neck muscles aren’t working right. I told her I was thinking about botox. I just wanted to research it a little before I said yes.

I had groceries delivered today and then when they were in my room, I just collapsed. I was able to nap for a couple of hours. I need to shave and shower today but I don’t think it is going to happen. My legs just feel really sore. Even though I just woke up from that nap, I feel another sleep is needed. So I probably will be taking a nap before I go to bed for sleep. I don’t care. I am just so bloody exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. My mother just called to say dinner is ready. I am not hungry so will pass. I just want to lay down and sleep.

a good review

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A review

I got this review that I found on my Amazon site the other day. It was written two years ago. Amazon doesn’t notify you when someone leaves a review. But I am happy this person left it. I sent it to my former therapist and she loved it. I sent the review to my cousin and now he wants a copy of the book, signed. I got to order more as I am running low on my copies. I think I gave away my last one. I plan on mailing it out today. It is really nice out.

I had therapy yesterday. It went ok I guess. She doesn’t think going back to school is a good idea. She gave a good example of how therapy is more than just an hour session and so is a class. You need to do the work so now I am thinking of how to do the work outside of our sessions. It bothers me that I can’t go back to college. I really would like my bachelor’s degree from UMass/Boston. I am not sure how I will pay for it but the idea that I just can’t go kills me. I know the stress will not be good for me. It is why I had to quit in 2008. I suffered a psychotic breakdown and I never recovered from it.

I am so fricken tired. I took a two hour nap and I am still fricken tired. I have no energy for anything. Wed is going to be a long day. I have an 8am appointment. I plan on shaving and showering today. I really need to wash my hair as it is very itchy.

I finally am registered for the vaccine and have an appointment Thursday. It is at the convention center in Boston. It is going to be a bit of a walk for me. I think I am going to get off at the T stop rather than walk from Copley. It is going to be 70 degrees out that day so that will be so good. I love going to the Back Bay area. I used to go to college around the corner from there.

I woke up this morning with my shoulders, neck, and ankle hurting me. I had to take a breakthrough med. I didn’t want to so early in the day but I was in so much pain. My PT is not going to be happy about this. I also took some Zanaflex to help relax the muscles. I hate that it gives me dry mouth. I have the lozenges for dry mouth. It helps a lot.

My phone is acting up today for some reason. Apps are closing while using them and I keep getting messages for other apps that something is wrong and it need to close. I’ve restarted the phone several times. There is an update that I just checked. I am installing it now so I hope that helps this issue. I also updated the PRL profile. OK, updates have been installed and I still cannot open the wordpress app. Fuck. I hope I don’t have to do a uninstall/reinstall. There is no update for the app. I don’t know what happened to my phone overnight. I really don’t want to get a new phone. I do need to take a line off my phone because I am not using it. I got to go to the store and have it removed because I tried with a chat and they are so dumb they didn’t know what I was talking about.