Category: mood disorders

thoughts while reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thoughts while reading

I have been re-reading Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir of her bipolar illness. I read the part where she describes coming to terms with her need to take medication and how she lost a patient through suicide. I had highlighted the chapter, probably because I saw there was no point in keeping myself alive. I had always said I was to die by my own hand. I had come terribly close last December. I don’t know why I am still here.

Last night, after I ended my blog, I got the results of my MRI of the past week. It said that I had a large volume of fluid in my spinal canal. It also said that I had arachnoiditis, basically clumping of the cauda equina nerves. This occurred post operatively. I don’t know if this is going to go away. I know that it is a painful condition. I guess it is good that I already am on pain medication because without, I would probably be really hurting and be stuck without pain management. I am to see my primary next week. I want to ask him to increase my immediate release dose so that I am taking the same dose for extended release and for breakthrough. I don’t know if he is going to be open to it. I figure I don’t have much to lose by asking.

I had made some notes about the book on an index card I am using as a bookmark. There is a lot of stuff that is important to know if you read this book. One is that treatment of a mental illness is as good as the medication treating it. Lithium is very good for bipolar/manic depressive illness. I am finding that duloxetine finally is working for me for my depressive illness. I don’t have bipolar disorder. I have recurrent major depression and it has taken a lot of trial and error to find a medication that works for me. I currently take 50 mg and it seems to work. My symptoms are lower than they were though I am still in the severe range. It is just that I don’t always feel every symptom of depression every day. Some days I can feel it more than others so results will vary. But Jamison’s take on medication is something every patient goes through when they have to take medication for their illness. The struggle to stay on medication is real. You can’t change my mind on this. Everyone I have ever known struggles with being on medication, even more so with psych meds. The stigma that you should “fight” without it kills me. It is what keeps a lot of people in pain because they feel they shouldn’t be on medication for whatever reason, usually because they don’t want to feel “weak”. I call bullshit. You are far from weak if some pill will help you with your problem. Unless the medication you are using is the problem, that is a whole other can of beans.

Writing Something is better than nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing Something is better than nothing

I woke up with my med alarm ringing. I didn’t know what the noise was but I wanted it to stop. It was ringing for a good ten minutes before I finally became coherent enough to shut it off. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom. I did my business then brushed my teeth. I needed caffeine if I was going to have therapy in an hour. I made a cup of tea as half and half seems to be a rare commodity these days. I need it for coffee but seeing as I didn’t have it, I made tea. It was strong and full bodied so I enjoyed my cup.

Therapy was a disaster. I didn’t feel like talking. It was too early in the fucking morning and I guess my therapist finally clued in that this time was not a good time to chat. We changed it for a later time next week on Tues. Just as well as I am not liking these virtual visits. It is so hard to think of something to say. I felt like pulling out my notebook that jotted down some stuff but wasn’t sure if she would approve. Frankly I just wanted to get back to bed. I didn’t care about anything else. I told her about the need to lay flat and that I have a leak. This recovery is taking its own sweet time. I don’t like it. It is too slow for my tastes. So naturally I got a headache today. Luckily, Tylenol took care of it. I was running a low grade temp last night that had me very worried. It didn’t go above 99.6 and ibuprofen took care of it. I have not been running anything close to 98 degrees right now. I am glad. I still feel like shit and if I do anything that requires effort, my heart rate goes nuts.

Last night my nephew was worried as I was so out of breath after I took my shower. It took me a while for me to catch my breath. My heart rate was bananas. I made up a container of water and then I made a container of Gatorade. I haven’t made one today. I should as I haven’t been drinking that much today. I will make a container when my sister leaves my house. I don’t feel like talking to her right now. I just am not in a talkative mood.

I am debating on contacting my therapist for another session this week. I feel like I should make amends to my non-talkative mood this morning. Part of me feels like she is mad at me but I know that isn’t true. I wonder if my therapist is sick of me. I always seem to go back and forth. Like I want to move forward but I rather do it two steps back to make sure I have room to fall. I’ve always done this with every therapist I’ve had. She is the first one in nearly twenty years to challenge me on my thoughts. She wants me to get better. The question is, do I want to?

I’m just tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I’m just tired

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of missing people. Tired of missing out. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of not being able to let go. I’m tired of pretending. I’m Just Tired. ~author unknown

This was a meme that popped up in my Instagram “memories”. It is fitting for today because I am tired. So very tired of being. I don’t want to be anymore. It is too hard to continue on. But I am also too tired to do anything about it so I sit here like a glob. A big fat glob. One of my TG friends showed a pic of his new chest. It looks good. I want that so bad but I got to lost like 30 pounds to do it. I know I can do it, unhealthily. It just takes some will power to do it. I’ve lost that weight before and I can do it again. I just need to want to do it. And right now I am too tired to do it. Wouldn’t matter anyways. Even if I lost the weight tomorrow, I still wouldn’t be able to have the surgery with the virus going on. Everything is on hold. I feel bad my NP had to reschedule her surgery because of the virus. She seems okay with it but I know it hurts. I would be hurt if it were me.

I read some of Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is a good book that I decided to reread as it has been ages since I last read it. It is a memoir that resonated a lot with me. I don’t have bipolar disorder but this book captures the ups and downs so eloquently.

I am feeling tired even though I slept through the night. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. I usually wake up at least once to pee. I think my bladder nerves are healing as I have been able to cath less. I am only cathing right before bed to make sure I am empty before I lay down to sleep. There might be one or two times during the day where I cath because it has been more than 3 hours since my last void and I want to make sure I am empty. I don’t want another UTI or bladder infection. I am not sure if I am emptying completely or not. I will have to cath after I pee to find out. Last time I checked, I wasn’t emptying at all but that was a few weeks ago.

My hair is the longest it has been the past few years. I can’t stand it. I hope my barber opens his shop up soon. I really miss him! Just hope it won’t be mad busy when I see him, though. I don’t know what kind of restriction they are going to have. He most likely will have to wear a mask. I don’t care if he has to wear PPE up the ying yang. I just want my hair buzzed again! I miss the feel of it. I could do it myself but I know I will mess up and then it will be a disaster. So I am not going to do anything for it. I just have to wait like everyone else.

blah and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Blah and tired

I had my appointment with my neurosurgeon this morning. We talked about the MRI results. I do have a leak but it isn’t something major. It is medium size so we are just going to monitor the headaches and see if the steroids help it. He wants me to increase activity but slowly. Just taking one walk per day and resting the rest of the time as I need to be careful with my back. I didn’t ask him about more PT sessions. The PT that I have been working with that I don’t like is coming tomorrow. I hope she doesn’t work me too hard because that will be bad. I honestly don’t want to have PT but I know I need it.

After I had breakfast and my tea, I had to give myself my T shot. The first injection didn’t go well as it felt wrong and sure enough it was. I hit a vein and there was blood. UGH. I didn’t inject in that leg I used my other one. I had to. I didn’t want to risk another venipuncture. The second injection went smoothly and I didn’t even feel it. So yay for doing it right, the second time. I was sleepy afterwards so I decided to take a nap and then I would shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. That was the plan anyways. It didn’t happen because I woke up at 3 and was too tired to leave the house. I did take a quick shower. I also shaved my face. I had to because I was starting to get stubble again. I want to be clean shaven for a while, though I still have my mustache.

I ordered food for dinner as I didn’t want to cook anything. I was supposed to get a milkshake with my order but I didn’t. I was sorely disappointed. I had asked the delivery guy about it and he just kept on saying no. Jerk. I wanted that one sweet thing today. I have been in such a blah mood. Pain hasn’t been helping my mood at all. I have been having bladder cramps the past hour or so for some reason. I hate them. They feel like period cramps. I took some Tylenol for them though I know that probably won’t help any. I’m feeling really low right now and I don’t know why. It came on so suddenly. I feel like I shouldn’t be around anymore. That has been my feeling for most of the week. I didn’t think I would get back to these dark moods so suddenly but I have. I guess the affects of the anesthesia have worn off now and I am back to my depressed mood. It was good having a little respite from it. I hope I sleep tonight.