Category: painsomnia

Painsomnia night too many to name

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders, painsomnia

Writing from phone so might be errors

I was sleeping most of yesterday. I had a difficult night sleeping and really didn’t fall asleep at least till after 730 am.

My med alarm went off. I checked my phone. I had some messages. The social worker I saw the other day sent me an email. I also had a message from some office that I was to return. No idea what that is about.

My sister was in the kitchen with my mother. There were talking but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I was hungry as I haven’t eaten all day. I went downstairs and was cursing. My right leg didn’t want to move right. I just want to have a quick something so I could go back to sleep before pain erupted. While I was eating my sister was anxious about the financial responsibilities of the house. I didn’t want to discuss it as there is not much I can do about it. I have a fixed income. It doesn’t change. What I give my mother every month helps pay things that I am not really sure what exactly. She never told me, and I never asked. But my sister was insistent on getting things figured out right now. We would have a family meeting. Meanwhile, she tells me my other sister is going to have a house built in the backyard. I continued eating and when I was finished, I just yes’d her until I could sneak away upstairs. I was starting to be in pain.

I got back in bed and my foot didn’t like how I went back in. Instant pain. That was it. I wasn’t going to sleep. I was upset over what my sister was telling me and now I angry I was in pain, again. Fucking fuck. I was suicidal the night before. Told my group I was tired and had someone concerned about me and did I have a therapist or “professional counselor”. Like WTF, you think I am an idiot? Then she wants me to tell her how I am doing. Fuck you. I get people flip out when they hear me talk about ending things. But it is worse when they tell me not to do “something stupid”. That is when I have a real problem.

So tonight I can sleep. My foot is in intense pain. I want to end it. I just go to make out a will as detailed as possible and write a few notes to family members. I don’t want a funeral. Just a wake will be sufficient. I want to be cremated anyway. I sort of picked my date. It has been in my mind the past couple of weeks. I don’t know if the location I pick is going to worthwhile or not. But it is where I want to pass.

I sent my psych an email the other night saying I had a date. Told her some other things but I don’t remember. I am just so very tired of always coming to place of feeling like ending my life and never taking a chance on it. Like why bother? Been suicidal the past several years like this. Made plenty of dates but have not once attempted. Maybe this time will be the same. I don’t know. I make the will and write a few notes, I think I can go through with it. I don’t know what else to do. Pain is messing up my sleep at night so I sleep during the day. I don’t do anything else because I try to catch up on sleep. I sleep am recovering from the two appts I on Thursday. I still cannot move my foot outward without pain. I emailed my PT to tell her. I don’t give a fuck what she thinks. I will just do what I can and if it causes me pain, then fuck it, I won’t do that particular exercise. It is hurting so bad. I can’t stand having both feel hurting me while walking. I am limping more on the CRPS side (left) than I am on my right.

My groceries are coming in the morning. I don’t know exactly when. I picked the same block because it gets me up. I have coffee so maybe I will have a cup or two. I don’t have many cookies left. I’ve been eating them like crazy. Might have to make another batch. Just wish it didn’t kill my feet in the process. Going to try and sleep some now. Hopefully I will. Arriverderci

Ambling swears continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

am still around. Haven’t looked at saws on Amazon, yet. Foot is acting up and my mother is being noisy as hell. Fuck! Had a rough night sleeping. I am tired as fuck. Bowels are exploding. No idea why. Just took meds to sleep the day away. Don’t care because my alternative isn’t pretty. I am sick of being in pain 24/7. Just fucking shoot me now. I can’t go on like this and the weather is going to be painful as hell. So this is how my morning is going. Back in the gutter. Putting plan in motion when I wake up. So tired of insomnia, no pun intended. Ok enough rambling, for now

Night of horrible, excruciating, pain #CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, medical, mood disorders, painsomnia

These are my posts I have made on social media tonight describing the infuriating pain of complex regional pain syndrome or CRPS (formerly known as RSD). One of the paragraphs is to my wonderful, understanding psychiatrist which explains the vein popping of a flare. I don’t get the normal discoloration of CRPS. I get the swelling and pain and allodynia. This is my 2nd night of not sleeping. I’ve maxed out on meds except one, ativan which I shall take shortly. Hopefully it relaxes me enough that I can lay down and sleep. I really hate nights like this but a storm is coming so will be hurting all weekend. Barometric pressure has been so up and down, I can’t keep track of it anymore. It is painful when it like this. Not only do I flare but my joints stiffen and spine aches from arthritis. No one understands the battle so I try and be as descriptive as possible so some understanding can be understood.

Was just sitting in my bed leaning back on my headboard as ankle bone pain course through every bone in my ankle. Then all of a sudden went down through all my foot bones and I started laughing. This has never happened before. One or the other but never both and I am so deliriously tired I don’t care and so I am laughing because of the pain. I’ve used more pain med this month so I got to ration what I have left. Hahahaha oh lordy. Gonna be a fun night and a storm is coming. Wonder what levels of pain that will bring??

Fucking pain. Right where it feels like a knife gutting me up my foot, veins are popping up in a group. Foot still being crushed by unknown entity. Bones hurting severely. & it is midnight. 1200 mg gaba taken. Another hour maybe a BT med. After that, who knows…

haha CRPS is driving me crazy tonight. Every bone hurt in ankle and foot. Then I have a stabbing, gutting feeling where my veins are all grouped together popping like crazy. All blue from being together. Fun fucking syndrome nothing is working. Just taking the rest of the bottle of gaba and call it a night.

Losing the battle with pain. Feel like I want to pass out and pain laughs, and goes up more or hits another area of foot or ankle or both. Nuts. Suicidal ankle pain has started. Fuck. No sleep tonight after no sleep last night. Fuck.
Pain is off its kilter tonight. 2nd night in a row. Nothing is working. Haven’t taken 2nd dose of ativan yet only because I’ve taken high doses of gabapentin. Foot is being crushed. Malleolus is being hammered. And the suicidal ankle pain has started. Veins have converged so I now have a blue tint to my skin because they are popping up. You can see every vein in my foot as to how flared it is. Haha next time i need blood drawn they can use my foot. Haha ouch.

Guess who…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, transgender

I was able to shave and shower this morning. I had a ton of time before I had to leave. I took my time getting ready. I guess the bus I needed to take to the Square was delayed as the other bus came. I decided to take it rather than wait. I figured in doing so, I would have time to write when I got to Starbucks. I had to stop at the post office and it was busy. Goodbye writing time. The postal clerk didn’t even look where I was sending the cards to, just said I had enough postage and I went on my way. If they come back to me. I am gonna be pissed.

I got to Starbucks and ordered a sandwich, espresso, and lemon loaf. The sandwich had sausage but it didn’t taste right. I ate half and then dived into the lemon loaf. It was very lemony. I loved it. I just hope when I try to make it tomorrow, I can get the right consistency for the frosting.

After I ate and played on my phone. It was time for the train. I put another 5 bucks on my temporary ticket as my pass didn’t come over the weekend. When I got to my stop, the bus wasn’t coming for another 20 minutes or so. I decided to walk. My mother needed something at Walgreens so I went in to get it. There was a line for checkout. I waited and then left to walk to my therapist’s office. I got halfway there and needed to rest. I checked the time and had 10 minutes before my appt. I rested another minute and then went.

I showed my therapist what I wrote for the pain doc. He said it was perfect. I just hope the fellow and attending see the damn paper and read it. Then we talked about my anxieties that is going on for the week. Told him about how upset my mother made me yesterday. How she can’t accept me other than what she holds in her mind of me. Told him how my family has a pedophile they refuse to acknowledge as one. Then time was up.

I walked back to the station. I had less than 5 bucks on the card. When I got back to the Square and got on the bus home, I noticed it didn’t allow no payment for transfers. That was why I had to put so much damn money on this fucking temporary ticket. It was charging me the reduced fare on every bus and train I took. Fucker.

My legs were killing me by the time I got home. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow. My mother made dinner and after eating we both didn’t want to get up. We both hurt. I cleared the counter for her then went up to my room. Mail had came and my pass was in it. Weird they had my name change as the address but not on the fucking card! Ugh!!! Card doesn’t expire until 2023. Least now I can buy my monthly pass and not have to pay per fare.

I had some stuff from Amazon come in. A friend had sent me some eczema cream. It is a lower amount of colloidal something that I have so hope it will work on the patch under my eye. I stopped at my sister’s to talk for a while. We griped about our mother being ridiculous. I didn’t tell her that she laughed at me yesterday. I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her I’d be starting T Wed.

Hope I don’t flare tonight. Last night was horrid. I didn’t sleep till 330 am. Seems every time I got comfortable my foot or ankle or both acted up. I am really tired after all the walking I did. It is cold tonight so might have to put on the fleece blanket. I took it off my bed the other night because I was looking for something. I was working in an app on my phone when I accidentally disconnected my SD card. When I went to take it out, it went flying. Damn sucker was in the pillow case on my bed. I thought it was in the void in my room and I’m glad it wasn’t. I’d have to tear my room apart trying to find it. Luckily, I found the SIMM card on my bag for goodwill. Totally freaked me out. But all is right now. Wish the makers of Samsung would use a toggle rather than a pin thing to get the card out. Stupid design.