Tag: back pain

anxious about surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxious about surgery

I am feeling anxious about my upcoming surgery in six days. I can’t believe time has moved so fast. This time next week I will be in the hospital recovering. I hope there isn’t any problems. I have a good surgeon so I don’t expect there to be but you never know. The surgery is for repair of spinal leaks in my back that are causing headaches and fatigue. I got the leak from my original surgery back in March. We have been going back and forth and finally after 3 months of my not improving decided to have surgery to fix it. I went to the grocery store and pharmacy today and I am completely wiped out. I had to get more Gatorade. I had to go to the pharmacy because I burned myself while making dinner. I think it is a second degree burn. But anxiety is keeping me up because I am thinking of surgery. Plus the next door neighbors are having a party so I really can’t relax. I am so uptight.

I walked without my AFO today. Bad idea. I am hurting really bad right now with my ankle. I wore new sneakers today that were comfy. They were much more supportive than my older sneakers. I know walking without the AFO is a chance for a flare up. Nothing I can do about it once it flares up. Just take my pain meds and hope for the best.

I have a full week of appointments next week. Monday I have therapy. Tuesday is Covid testing. I am going to try and get a haircut that day. Wednesday is psychopharm and I hope to have my groceries delivered. Thursday is surgery. I probably won’t be posting much after surgery until I am clear headed or am home from the hospital.

old D35

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Old D35

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album and there is a song on it called “Old D35”. I like it. It is cool. I love her voice. It is so soothing. Her new album is really cool and different than her previous album. I really like it because it has an upbeat tempo even if the song is sad. There is a song called “It’s ok to be sad” that I absolutely love. The lyrics are so profound yet totally relate worthy. It is like she is giving you permission to feel whatever. It truly is a marvelous song. I wish she would be on the radio more but it is so hard for artists to be on the radio these days, especially female artists.

I was talking to my cousin today. She called me to talk about my upcoming surgery and things. We have a family zoom meeting tomorrow night that I hope to attend. It will be good to see my cousins again. I just hope no one brings up my surgery because I really don’t want to talk about it with a particular cousin that is nuts. She is just so wild I can’t handle her intrusiveness.

My other cousin was to take me grocery shopping today but he had other plans so canceled on me. He said he would take me tomorrow so we’ll see. I just need to pick up somethings as I am out of Gatorade. I want to get some steak and some other things before I place my monthly order. I just hope I can get the flaxseed cereal I like. It will be cheaper in the store than through the app. The new app doesn’t have the things that I like or that the old app had. It makes ordering more difficult as my only large order is getting Powerade/Gatorade. I have to make a list of things that I need to get or I will forget.

Last night I had heartburn pretty bad. I think it is because of sertraline so I didn’t take my dose today. I still got heartburn but it wasn’t as bad as last night. I will skip tomorrow’s dose and see if that quiets things down. I took a shower today and shaved all the parts that needed it. My back didn’t like it. (I didn’t shave my back.) it just flared up with cramps and spasms. I had to sit down quite a few times while in the shower. I swear it was the longest shower because I kept having to sit down to ease the spasms. The hot water didn’t help. My foot flared up and it is still flared up. I feel like my bones are being crushed. I hope the breakthrough med helps. I don’t have anything stronger to take. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight before midnight. Last night I had such trouble sleeping. I didn’t go to sleep until around or after 0230. I was scared I was going to be up all night again. I shouldn’t have trouble tonight because I am tired and sleepy. But I am also feeling anxious because I am thinking of my surgery so I might not fall asleep as quickly as I think I will.

The lab called to schedule my Covid testing. I will be going into Boston to a place I am not familiar with. I think I will take an Uber. Then if I am familiar with the surroundings and feel ok to walk to the train station, I will take public transportation home. I just hope it doesn’t rain that day. I have to be tested to make sure I don’t have the virus for surgery. I am nervous about the testing. I hope it isn’t painful.

tired of being exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of being exhausted

For the third day in a row I woke up feeling like a deadweight. I feel so tired. I had coffee and that woke me up a little bit but I wanted to take a nap after I finished it. I didn’t. I made myself a cheeseburger instead. The burger was good. I still feel wicked tired and want to nap but I have been having trouble sleeping so I don’t want to mess up my schedule. I had a total insomnia day where I was up for 23 hours before I fell asleep for two hours and then I didn’t sleep the rest of the day. I woke up a couple of times during the night. I had to pee. Today is also the third day that I have had the runs. I have no idea why I have the runs. I haven’t changed my diet or anything. Just so weird. Maybe that is why I am so tired. I am dehydrated. It is still cool out. The hot summer hasn’t come back yet. I hope it doesn’t.

I still haven’t showered. I just don’t feel like it. I just want to sleep. I wanted to take down my recycles today because tomorrow they go out but I haven’t. Been three weeks that I have kept the bag full of stuff for recycle. I still have boxes that I need to breakdown for recycle, too. I started to do it yesterday but this fatigue I have been feeling has been awful. I do one thing and I get so tired. I know part of it is because of the spinal leak. I have surgery in eight days. I am so nervous. I had the pre screening call yesterday. It went okay. She said she will send me a message of the meds I am not to take the day of surgery and the night before. I haven’t received it yet.

I hyperextended my elbow last night and man does it hurt today. I can’t straighten my arm out without pain. I hate when I do that but it happens while I sleep so there is not much I can do about it. My ankle bone has been acting up the past hour or so. I hate when it flares up because it takes so much to quiet it down. But that is true for most of the CRPS pain. Once it flares it takes so much to quiet down and I hate it because it makes me feel so hopeless. My ankle seems to flare with the ankle bone and it is just torture. I just took my breakthrough med for it. I figure if I try to get ahead of the pain now, I might have a chance of sleeping before midnight.

trans issues 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trans issues 10

The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.

From Twitter:
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.

I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.