Tag: back pain

you deserve to be treated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You deserve to be treated

Those were the parting words of my therapist today after we talked about how my father said that I gotta die when I am sick. We deduced that he is flawed and not mental as she couldn’t know him. He died four years ago, long before she was my therapist. I know he was narcissistic and a pathological liar. I should have known he was lying but when your 11, you tend to believe your parents and what they say. You really don’t know if they are lying and even if they are, you can’t prove it. You were always told to respect your parents and that is what you did, no matter how wrong it seemed.

We also talked about my suicidality. She brought it up. I was going to but didn’t really want to. She asked what I was going to do if the feelings came up again over the weekend and I said I would cope like I usually do. That was the wrong answer as she shook her head. I don’t know why but apparently calling a hotline is the answer. I don’t think so but whatever. Sometimes it is good to call one but most of the time I just don’t have the patience to wait for someone to connect on the line. Even texting can be a pain as you wait for someone, especially during “peak” hours. Most of the time I get annoyed and then hang up or text cancel or stop. I am usually too agitated to stay on the line.

I had my meeting with my pcp. It went well but I didn’t ask for a pain med increase. It was on my mind but I was too chicken to ask. He asked a few times if there was anything I needed from him but I just couldn’t bring it up. He doesn’t want me to be on the meds to begin with and I find that it hinders my conversation about my meds. But the fact of the matter is I have pain and until that is dealt with on some level, I need to be on the meds that I am on. I can’t just stop taking it because he doesn’t want me on them. He does want me to go to the pain clinic for an evaluation, just to talk. But because of Covid, making an appointment is hard. I don’t know if I would be seen in a timely manner if at all at this point. I know once places reopen it might be better to call and ask for an appointment. Sucks because I got the ride now to take me there. I have it for another few months and then I will have to reapply for assistance. I don’t know if I will get a letter or not. I just need to be aware of the time frame. I only got six months because of my surgery. I don’t know if it will be longer when I reapply.

psych related day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Psych related day

I had therapy this morning. I woke up too late to have a chance to make tea or coffee. The session went okay. I told her of my suicidal plans and what was causing me to be suicidal. She kept on saying that there was something different and she wanted to know what that was. I had no clue what she was talking about. I didn’t feel different. She encouraged me to ask my pcp when I meet with him in seeing if there is something different we can try to alleviate my pain. I am nervous about meeting with him. I usually have a hard time asking for what I need. I might not ask just see where he is at and see where the conversation leads us. I know he is going to want me to see a pain clinic outside of Boston. He referred me there before but I wasn’t able to get there because of transportation issues. Now with Covid, I am not sure I will even get an appointment as a new patient.

In the afternoon, I met with my psychopharm. She felt bad that she isn’t able to do anything for me. Such a contrast with my therapist. She (psychopharm) was telling me I was resilient and inspiring. I don’t get that from my therapist at all. I don’t know why she doesn’t say those things.

After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my steroids. I was hesitant to start it because it was so late in the day but I figure two doses is better than none. I might set the alarm for 3 or 4 am so I can take the third dose of the day and then start the day with new dose but we’ll see. I am not looking forward to disrupting my sleep.

I am having a hard time writing today. I just can’t seem to get with it. Just like therapy. Maybe there is a connection. I don’t know. I guess a little over 300 words is enough for today. I am in pain and I just can’t seem to ignore it. I hate when it bothers me so much.

hearing the rain come down

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hearing the rain come down

It is pouring rain right now and I have my window open listening to it. Such a soothing sound. I hope I don’t have to close my window. I guess if the wind shifts I might have to but right now I can keep it open. I turned off the music so I could listen to it. It’s not every day that you have rain come down like this.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds today. It was exhausting but I did it. This was before the rain had come down. It was nice out, just sprinkles of rain here and there, nothing like what is happening now. I am glad I missed the rain. I hate walking in the rain all wet. I called my neurosurgeon today but didn’t hear back from him. I guess he does want me to have another trial of steroids as he called it in to the pharmacy. I just got a text saying my prescription was ready. I will get it tomorrow after therapy.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. I am kind of nervous about it because I told my therapist she should be asking me about my suicidality. The gears have been turning again and I found myself planning so I let her know that she should be asking about my suicidality. She doesn’t ask, it just gives me more planning ideas. I already have the means to end it. I just need a date to do it.

As I am a lover of pens, there was an ad on facebook and Instagram on pens that were made using the barrels of whiskey. It could be Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam, or Jack Daniels. I chose Jack Daniels and got the pen engraved with my name on it. I figure if I am still here, for now, I might as well have something to commemorate it. So I bought the pen. It is my most expensive pen that I own but it was worth it. It writes well and has the kind of point I love in a ballpoint pen. The top is heavier than the bottom. I don’t like that aspect of it but I guess the mechanism is heavy. I really like this pen. It will not replace my other pens that I love but I will use it like I do when I am looking for something special to write.

I have two appointments tomorrow both are psych related. The first one is with my therapist and the second is with my psychopharm. My first double appointment day in some time. Later this week, I see my PCP. I am not looking forward to that appointment because I have to ask him for a med increase with my pain meds. I hate asking for things. I feel like I don’t deserve it. It was something my father had always said to me when I got sick. He didn’t want to buy the cough medicine or fever medicine so he would say I gotta die because it was my fault I got sick. Every time I got sick, he would tell me this until my mother begged him for money to get the medicine we needed to get better. He was really stingy when it came to money. He felt like it was all his and screw the money for medicine that we needed to survive the flu or cold we were suffering from. It was his joke. I realized then my father didn’t care for my life. As long as he had money in his pocket, that was all he cared about.

did too much and paying for it

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Did too much and paying for it

Yesterday I did grocery shopping and showered. Today I went to the pharmacy because I forgot to go yesterday. It was hard. I walked half way there only to realize I left my mask at home so I had to walk back. I had to rest because I was short of breath. I got my meds and then collapsed when I came home. I have been sick since 11 am. I have tried to keep up with eating and hydrating but it has been difficult. My bladder is giving me signs it is not completely healed. I have been experiencing some hesitancy to go and then some starting and stopping when I do go. I am frustrated. I then had to go again an hour later and I had a full bladder when I cathed. So I can’t rely on voiding anymore. I usually cath at least three times a day but now it might have to be more. We’ll see. It is still early and I am still drinking to keep myself hydrated but it is hard when I am not thirsty.

I got headaches, palpitations, and high heart rate going on. I have been lying flat but I couldn’t stay down. I was too antsy. I should have taken an Ativan to calm down. I think I have to drug myself in order to get the much needed rest I need to get rid of the fluid. My friend said that it is like a bruise. Another person said that I need a drain. If I have to have surgery, I think that is what is going to happen. I am kind of scared of surgery because I already have arachnoiditis and I don’t want it to get worse or add to what I have. I am starting to have immune response to surgery and that isn’t good. Arachnoiditis is sort of like an immune response to surgery. My friend said that it will not go away. I am stuck with it but I need good pain control. Trouble is with Covid, I am not going to be able to see the new pain staff my pcp wants me to see and I know that I need an increase in pain medication. I don’t want to switch meds. I just want to increase what I have as the non-opioids are not doing much for me in terms of pain control. I have been on a stable dose of meds and just haven’t had too much relief except for the extra I take when pain is really bad. It really isn’t an “extra” as I don’t have much room to take more than I need on any given day. I hate that I sometimes have to ration my meds because otherwise I will run out before I can get a refill. It isn’t all the time that this happens. But with recovering from surgery, I have been in more pain than expected.

I want to write more but I need to lay down. Head is pounding and vision keeps getting blurred. I think if this keeps up I might have to go to the ER. I hope not but I don’t like these symptoms I am having and my gut is telling me something serious is wrong.