Tag: back pain

Don’t know what day it is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Don’t know what day it is

Yesterday was a bad day of pain and hardly any sleep. My psych said she was going to call me but I had no idea what time she would call. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee. I really didn’t eat much Tuesday as I wasn’t hungry. My psych called me around 9 pm and I had fallen asleep. I didn’t get up till about an hour later. She left me a message saying to email or she will call today. I sent her an email and said I would see her next week and that I was ok. Then around midnight or maybe after, I emailed again saying I haven’t been eating and sleeping right. She responded this morning saying to contact my pcp and to call her tomorrow. So I left a message for my pcp. I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with me. I don’t feel sick or anything. I just don’t have a stinking appetite. I posted this on FB and a good friend of mine who works with trans teens said that T might causing either weight gain due to muscle mass increase or loss of appetite and weight loss. I didn’t know that. The docs have just told me that my weight would increase due to muscle gain. Who knew? I guess that is why. Maybe I should get some Ensure or something on days I have no appetite so at least I have something in my stomach. I also told my psych taking the ibuprofen on an empty stomach is causing me gastritis. She just referred me to see my pcp. I need to take the ibuprofen because my back is still sore. I have been getting away with just taking Tylenol. My back has been hurting me since Saturday because the temps and barometric pressure have been up and down like a damn yo-yo.

I haven’t heard from my pcp’s social worker. I had emailed her the same thing I emailed my psych on Mon about my suicidality. I sent her an email this morning (wee hours as I was up till 430 am) saying to ignore it if she hasn’t read it yet or to just ignore it if she has. I don’t think there is anything she can do for me, I honestly don’t. She can be my vent person but I wouldn’t be able to tell her about my suicidal feelings because I don’t know her very well. I also am reluctant to tell people how suicidal I am if I don’t trust them fully. That has often lead to me going to psych hospital and I do not want that right now. I think because of this, my psych has been in frequent contact with me.

I haven’t been able to do any clearing out of stuff the past few days. I wanted to shower today but my back is bothering me. I wanted to go to the store for some half and half but I knew my back would hate me. I had my cousin go and he got me a little thing of it. That will have to last until I get paid next week and can order groceries. I have to use a different place because my usual place is on strike. I don’t blame them as the company wants to decrease their healthcare benefits, their pensions, and other stuff that is money related. They are real crooks. So I am ordering from a different place, which is slightly cheaper anyways. I just have to change the ounces of my half and half to a half gallon now.

I might do somethings in my room, but I need to shower. One thing I have noticed with the testosterone is that my sweat odor is different and if I don’t shower every other day, I really stink. I have been sweating under the covers so I am getting to the stinking point. I also want to take advantage of my nephew being out so I can shave without suspicion. I am kind of nervous of having someone walk in on me while I am shaving naked. I hate even my mother walking in on me. I haven’t told my sister to not put stuff on the shower seat. I need it because my feet and/or back can be unpredictable and need to sit down. As much as I need to shower, I really don’t want to because my stupid back will protest.

Tomorrow I need to call my psych. I really don’t want to. I am still in the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” stage. I know she is worried about me but I would rather email her than talk with her. I have a feeling she is going to want to talk to me every other day until I see her Friday, maybe more. I don’t know. I am trying my best not to email her at all about how I feel. It just seems to make her more worried and increase contact. I just want to be left alone so I don’t think I will send anymore emails unless it is appointment related. Just will have to fake being okay even though I am not. I am good at that anyways…

bad few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bad few days

Since Saturday, I have been having back pain. I didn’t do anything as I just woke up with it. The barometric pressure has been up and down like a yo-yo and temps have been crazy as well. I know once it levels off, I should be ok. In the meantime, it is hard to move and walk. Sitting is also difficult.

My mood has sucked all week. I have been having intense suicidal urges upon awakening and throughout the day. I sent my psychiatrist the post I posted on Monday. She said it was complex. I also sent the blog to my pcp’s social worker but have not heard back from her. I just feel like I don’t want any help right now. But my psych wants to know what I am up to and things because my suicidality has peaked. She also is not letting me be. Last Friday, she wanted me to call her midweek and if I didn’t, she would call me. Yesterday, she called me after I told her I wasn’t going to call her. I had gotten into an argument with my sisters and didn’t want to speak to anyone, much less her. I just don’t see the point. I am better off alone to deal with my stuff. I somehow get through it, though this time seems to be harder than it has been in the past. I kind of do but don’t want help. I don’t want help because I don’t think it will actually help me. I think it will just frustrate me yet the ingrained sense of “reaching out” when feeling this way is hard to resist. My psychiatrist has told me that if I feel like acting, I am to call her first. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of trying to act on my feelings. God I am so confused.

Last night, it was determined that my leather chair will be removed. I paid $300 for that chair. I thought about getting rid of my uncle’s desk but now I don’t want to. Fuck my sister for wanting to get rid of my things. She has threatened me that if she cleans my room and I don’t keep it clean she will “kill me”. On the other hand, if she does try, I will break her hands. My other sister wants me to get rid of books that I haven’t used in a long time. It is my books that I spent good money for. They aren’t getting rid of or placed in the basement to get musty or worse, ruined. I had books down there and they got ruined once. I am not going to do that again.

Because of my pain, I haven’t been able to do anything to clear my room or the boxes downstairs. Now they want to me to pack the stuff in my bedroom, to put in the living room. Where the fuck this stuff is to go, I have no clue. Fucking the office stuff is taking up a good portion of the living room already. I am just so stressed out and don’t even want to do a damn thing. Also I heard my sister tell my mother that I go out and have coffee but don’t clear my things. I only go out for coffee if I have my a damn appointment. That has been the only time I leave the house! So according to her, I am to be housebound just to clear boxes and clean my room?? I am so sick of this shit. They really think that my pain is no reason why I shouldn’t clear stuff. That I must be faking my disability. Next week I am getting paid and I am so fucking tempted NOT to give a cent to my mother. Maybe then they will get a fucking clue that I live here, too. Because right now, I feel like I can’t have anything in this house except my bedroom. And I will be damned to give half of my social security check just to be locked up in it!

Well, this is the stress I am dealing with which hasn’t helped my pain at all. I need to stop right now because I need to lay down. I can no longer sit. Hope the Tylenol and Ibuprofen help my back pain.

burst of energy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Burst of energy

I had slept through my alarm to go to PT. I only woke up when my PT called me wondering if I was okay. I had seen her before and she knows I don’t skip appointments without calling or emailing her why I didn’t show up. Once I was semi fully awake, I called the office and told them I slept through my alarm. My PT wanted me to come in sometime this week but all they had was morning times and I am not doing well with morning times so declined. They had an opening next week in the afternoon so I opted for that. I will have two sessions next week but that is okay. We can adjust if we need to.

I needed coffee. I made a cup, a big one, and had a slice of leftover pizza. I then went up to my room. I wanted to clean one corner of my room that I have been neglecting forever. I had started sorting through when I had an avalanche a few months ago but I just haven’t had the energy to do anything else but throw the mess somewhere else in my room. I have a bag of clothes that need to be washed and some shit on the floor that needs to be picked up and tossed. I found one boot but no idea where its mate is. It might be in the closet. Also found a dress shoe, its mate also missing. My back finally cried uncle so I stopped. When the spasms cleared and the pain subsided a bit, I went downstairs for dinner. My mother and I planned to have hot dogs and tater tots but I wasn’t going to cook. My back and foot would kill me and I want to finish what I started. I have a shit ton of boxes. I am going to keep like three to put the books on the floor in and then bust the other down so they will fit in the recycle bin. I will also get rid of my trash and recycles. I also need to bring the good will stuff to the bin a few blocks away. I found some clothes and things I no longer use. Once I can access the closet, there might be more so I don’t want to bring the stuff there yet. Once the rug is cleared, I will vacuum and then if I am able to move my heavy mattress, get vacuum up the dust bunnies behind my bed.

Yesterday I was sort of participating in BPD chat. We talked about DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I said that I had the binder that I was given when I was “forced” to go. Back then in 1999/2000 it was the “thing” for self-harm and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have BPD, but I had some traits at the time. I no longer do as I no longer meet any of the criteria. Anyway, last night I tried to get the bin under the bed that has the binder, I think. But my bed has sunk and I couldn’t get it out. I have no idea if the mattress and box spring sunk into the rug or the frame of the bed tilted because I am always on my bed.

My foot is already starting to be a brat. Last night after the football game, I was listening to music on my phone. I had to charge it so I placed the phone on my lower leg and OMG it set off fucking pain. The vibration from the phone traveled to my foot and it started vibrating. Then pain started and I didn’t go to sleep till after 330 am, hence why I missed my PT appointment. I wrote to my psych, like I always do when pain is bad. Think I told her my plan for killing myself. She didn’t respond with police at my door or a response to the email so not sure she found it concerning. I didn’t say specifics, I never do, but I do have some things in place for when I feel I can do it.

I haven’t heard from my TG doc yet. I do have my blood work back and I am so happy my hematocrit is up. This is your red blood cells and basically determines if you have anemia. I have always been around 30 but I am up to 36.5! I have never been that high before so the T is producing blood cells in my bone marrow! Maybe that is why I had a bit of energy to tackle my room. I just hope I can tackle the boxes. I have been meaning to for weeks now and they are still there. I want to break them down so they fit in the recycle bin better or at least can be tied up to put out on trash day. We’ll see. Will be a lot of work, but I can’t do that now as my back hates me. Standing and moving my upper body just hurts. Maybe I can sit and do it using the folding chair I have. Once I have that done, I will try to do the area in front of my bookcase and desk. I got to get rid of my old desktop. I had formatted it but never installed the drivers right so everything is huge. It is more than 10 years old. I know some computer places will take them for a fee. Might do that and also get rid of my old laptops that no longer work. I will gladly toss the POS in with it. Fucking waste of $300. For $400 more I could have the laptop I have now and not have a headache!

Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18

I’ve had an okay day today despite Amazon not delivering my package today. They say it is in a “secure location” but didn’t specify where that was. Then when I called they said it could still be out for delivery and to call back if I don’t receive it by 4 PM. OK. I usually don’t have a problem with Amazon but I think their own delivery service where people use their cars to deliver their products is shady. I just have found the delivers are whenever. I should have screenshotted when they were close to my house to prove they were in my vicinity. But I didn’t think because I’ve never had a problem before but whatever. I hope my package gets delivered tomorrow or they issue me a credit.

I’ve been feeling kind of blah since maybe 730pm. Just had the sinking feeling of depression where everything seems so bad yet nothing is really bad because nothing went on today. I didn’t have an argument with my mother. I really hate when these depression episodes happen because I don’t know what to do. And then if pain hits, I just become really suicidal, which reminds me I need to find that paper so that my family can pay for my funeral expenses. Dammit. I don’t really want to do this financial piece but I know funerals are expensive after what we went through with my father. Just don’t want them to be shorthanded. I guess I just feel hopeless since my psychiatrist sent me the email about wanting me in the hospital for the sleep/wake cycle bullshit, which means she didn’t read my blog about why I have insomnia. I just am done with doctors and just see them because my life will be worse if I don’t. I want to cancel my appointment with her this week but I have another doctor’s appointment that day so I will be killing two birds with one stone. I am not mad at her as I know she cares about me and just wants the best for me but going to the hospital where they may or may not give me my pain meds and worse, screw up the way I take my meds or miss my meds because they don’t have them, no thank you. I can do without that headache. And it isn’t like they treat you for anything. They spend 15-20 minutes with you and then it off until the next day. How can you call that treatment? It is more like an appointment or something. They screw up talking with you anyhow so why get fucking frustration when you already are. I told her I would only do so if I attempt. I didn’t tell her I was planning again. I don’t think I have told my therapist. He doesn’t really care anyways.

PTSD has been around lately. I just have been having a hard time laying down for fear of pain and I have no idea how to get over it. It isn’t until I literally can’t read my phone anymore that I finally lay down. But sometimes I have to kind of sit up and talk to the voices to finally get to sleep. These are the good voices not the bad ones. Right now my foot is acting up. I am not sure if it is nerve pain or something else. I just took some Neurontin before I take my pain meds because if it is nerve pain, it will go away. If it is not then I take pain meds. Temps I haven’t notice anything. Yesterday the barometric pressure was fucking crazy. I have no idea if it was today because I didn’t keep track of it. I wasn’t in horrible pain like I was yesterday. I really don’t like this buzzing feeling I am having now as it could explode so I am a little anxious about how I tonight is going to go. My back is killing me so I won’t be sitting up for that much longer. I am tired so hope the Neurontin does its job and then I can sleep.

I got therapy tomorrow. I wanted to cancel but I might cancel Wednesday because there is going to be snow and I am not running around town in snow while both fucking ankles aren’t stable. Not happening. I could Uber but they are pissing me off with picking people up as they go and then going all around town to my house rather than taking a shorter route. No thanks, I don’t need that aggravation. I wish I could afford a cab but those are more expensive than Ubers. I honestly don’t know if I am going to stay in therapy because I am not getting anything out of it. I tell him I get PTSD and he doesn’t give me ways to cope, on anything! Talking about what happened is not helping me! I am just getting annoyed and stuff. Then my mother today was like make cookies for my niece’s birthday party. When? I might be able to make them Wed if I don’t see my therapist but that is only if I don’t flare and it is supposed to snow that day so I most likely will be in pain! I just want to stay in bed or just go to Starbucks without an anxiety attack about a pain flare or that I need to get home because I feel safer there should something happen. I am just pathetic. I just don’t know why when I seek help, it fails me miserably. And if anyone says I am the problem, you are an asshole.

Psychache is happening. I kind of miss my former therapist, who by now should be called ex. She left me because she couldn’t deal with me anymore. Or whatever reason we ended, which I still am not sure of because she never told me. I just said end and she said yes. Guess that is the end of the story. But if I brought up the PTSD stuff she at least helped me cope with it rather than do nothing.