Tag: back pain

state of my nation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

State of my nation

I don’t usually talk about politics on my blog but the events of Jan 6th is not sitting with me. I want to see those that perpetrated it punished and get the hell out of office. I want 45 to never be able to hold office again and for him to be impeached a second time. Trouble is, his supporters in the Senate refuse to do what they took an oath to do, uphold the Constitution under foreign and domestic threats. These same hypocrits say they stand for the Constitution but they don’t show it. If those senators don’t get expelled from office who is to say history won’t repeat itself and we have a Hitler America. I am terrified of this. I know there are militia groups that probably have more arms than the National Guard and are as trained to use them. All for white supremacy. It is sickening. It is wrong. Every person that invaded the Capitol that day should have gotten arrested rather than sent home, only to get arrested after the fact. Now we can’t find the fucker that put bombs in the RNC and DNC offices. I have no doubt there was collusion among the police to allow this to happen. I am sad for my nation.

I had PT yesterday and it causes some spasms to occur in my chest. We were working on my rib muscles and they got flared up. I didn’t like it. Both sides were hurting me so today I am not going to do the exercises. I will do some but not all of them. I need to give my body a break. My neck is really hurting me today. I put heat on like I am supposed to. I haven’t taken any Zanaflex today. I just don’t want to be sleepy all day.

Trying to see if my niece can go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I don’t feel like going out today. I am still trying to get enough energy to clear off my bed, which I still haven’t done. I am getting so damn frustrated with myself because I get so tired I just lay down and sleep rather than clear it off so I can change the sheets. I also need to put on the new foam topper which need to sit at least 12 hours or so before I can use my bed. I don’t know what my problem is other than dreading doing the clearing. When I start doing it, it doesn’t take me long. I usually do a little at a time so it isn’t overwhelming.

I feel pretty depressed. I know that is why I cannot change my sheets. I am too weighed down. I feel like I am bobbing in the ocean. I see my therapist tomorrow. I also have PT in the morning. I hope PT can stop the pain in my neck and around my ear. I know it is because the muscles are so fricken tight. I need to shower today. I am starting to smell again because I have been sweating so much. The heat has been going on because it is so cold and I have been really hot. If I had top surgery I would go around the house topless. I can’t wait till I am able to do this.

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

I sent the blog I wrote yesterday to my therapist and she read it before our session today. We talked about it and she explained why she is often “pushy” and one sided in her decision makings. We also talked about ways she could be more collaborative in therapy and more validating. It was a good session. We talked about meeting twice a week for a while and she was open to this.

I have been tired all day. I haven’t been able to nap though. I had two cups of coffee to try and get going. I wanted to change my sheets today but I ran out of gas. My neck hurt too much today to do anything. My ankle was also bothering me so I had a fair amount of pain. There were times when the pain got so bad I wanted to end things right then and there. I thought about sending my therapist a text about it but I never did. She wouldn’t like it. My jaw has been hurting me most of the day. I have been having trouble opening my mouth and my teeth hurt on the top row. I really need to see a dentist to find out what is wrong but I think it is because I am clenching my teeth that is causing me pain. I am under so much stress and tension in my upper body. I know it has to do with trauma and not feeling safe in my own home right now. Too much stuff is happening and it is making me so anxious and hypervigilant. Plus this week is an anniversary week so I am dealing with memories of my past. These memories aren’t intrusive, they are just there and sometimes with the leg pain, causes me to react with PTSD symptoms.

I have a lot of trauma growing up and it is why I have been so tense lately. It centers around my mother and sister. One is old and the other is fairly new. Getting used to living with my middle sister again hasn’t been easy. We fight a lot of the time and often I can’t stand to be around her because she is so quick to anger. She is not physically violent, thank god but she says hurtful things and that is hard to accept. My mother just violates privacy a lot of the time. I still am not over the childhood abuse she did to me. I’ve never talked about it because I am scared to. I think I have the right therapist to help me talk about it though.

Twenty years ago this week I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I had lost function of my legs due to a disc fragment compressing my nerves. I had to have a back operation to get rid of the fragment. I had to relearn to walk, which was tough. It took more than a week for me to move my toes again and gradually feeling and sensation came back. Strength took a little while longer. Then two weeks later I developed a staph infection and became really weak. I was really sick and it was difficult to walk at that point. I couldn’t go as far as I did before. It took a long time for me to recover. All the while I wasn’t working so had financial worries. I had to file for bankruptcy and that gave me some financial freedom for a while. It took me a few years to get back up to 40 hours a week. It took a lot out of me.

Tomorrow I have PT virtually because there is going to be a snow storm. I am not going out in it. I don’t care. It is going to suck because virtual PT is not ideal but there are exercises that can be done at least. Just sucks because I really would love for the PT to massage my neck again.

Saturday Blog 06022021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 06022021

Listening to the top 25 country countdown on the radio. My favorite DJ is counting down the hits. I haven’t heard the radio in so long. I just had breakfast. I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 3 lbs. I can comfortably fit into a size 38 pants. I have mixed feelings about this. I am happy I am losing but at the same time I feel like I am not holding up the ideals of what my father drilled into me when I was growing up, that I was fat.

I got to head to the grocery store today. I need to get some coffee. I am running low. I am going to get Starbucks House Blend. That seems to be my favorite coffee right now. I am not sure which store I want to go to. I might go to the big store so they might have the larger count of coffee. I don’t have energy to go right now but I plan on going around noon time.

I’m going to try and clear my bed so I can change the sheets today. I am so behind on doing it. It is so hard to get the energy to do it because I don’t really know where to put the stuff. It just ends up on the floor.

I just came back from food shopping and man it was crowded. People were wearing masks and trying to distance from one another. They didn’t have a large count of my house blend coffee. They had the breakfast blend and the pike but not house. I just bought two packages of the 10 ct of it. I also found brown bread so I bought that. I haven’t had it in a long time. My glasses kept falling off my face when I looked down and were fogging up so it was hard to see.

My binder came today. I wore it while I was out to get used to it. I was sweating so much from it. I hated the sweating part. I wore a light sweatshirt, too. It fit ok but I don’t like the clasps. It is like a bra but it is better than a zipper or Velcro.

I ordered Wendy’s because I wanted their chicken sandwich and chili. I haven’t had it in a long time. I haven’t eaten today other than a bowl of cereal this morning. I need to put more heat on my shoulder and neck. It is starting to flare up again. Carrying up 10 bottles of Gatorade didn’t help me. The UberEats driver is making a delivery before mine so my food is going to be cold by the time he gets here. I am not happy!

I am feeling depressed today. I am listening to my country mix playlist. I haven’t listened to it in a long while. I am so tired and I am hangry because my food isn’t here yet. Will be a half hour or so before it gets here. Wonder if there are Cheez its in the cabinet? I am hungry dammit.

overslept and out of breath

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Overslept and out of breath

I overslept for my PT appointment today. I couldn’t get up 8 like I wanted to I had woken up around 6 to pee and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I should have stayed up. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and when I came back up the street, I was out of breath. I was also sweating a lot. I feel like walking up the street was my cardio workout for the day.

I had therapy yesterday and it was annoying. Therapist wants me join a chronic pain support group. I am supposed to text her when I do. I looked up the number yesterday but it wasn’t there so had to email the partial program guy to get the number. He has responded; I just got to call now. I hate talking on the phone with people. I rather email them. I hope the group meets via zoom rather than in person.

Therapist and I only had a half hour session because she messed up her schedule. That was fine by me. I got her patronizing lecture of how she is the clinician and basically knows what is best for me. I feel like canceling Monday’s appointment. She probably will talk me out of it though. I don’t know. I hate canceling with therapists. Sometimes it is just easier to show up than cancel. I just hate when they ask why and you don’t have a “good” reason.

Back has been acting up since walking back home from the pharmacy. I took a Zanaflex which I hate doing because it makes me sleepy. I am not doing anything tonight so I don’t mind if I am sleepy. I have been lax in taking it during the day. Neck and arm/shoulder has been okay today. I haven’t been so sore like I was the last time I was dry needled. I had five appointments this week so I was spent which is probably why I overslept. It takes so much mental energy to go to these appointments even though they are virtual, well except my PT. PT is in person. But even that is mental energy to get dressed and taking the bus to show up.

I tried canceling my therapy appointment for Mon and it failed. She basically said given the severity of my depression and suicidality she didn’t think it was a good idea to not meet, at least to just check in. So I will be seeing her. I hate her. She is always calling me out on my depression. I just need a fricken break. I don’t get what is so hard about this.

I was able to sleep for a little bit but my leg kept jerking so I couldn’t go into a deep sleep. I took some meds to try and make me relaxed. My neck is tight so I could use the ease of the meds right now. I am not in pain right now, which I guess is good. Back is still cramping so I don’t know what to do about that. I am ready to take some more magnesium. It seems that is the only thing that quiets down my back. And it has no side effects so I am for it.