Tag: blog

Fat Friday cancelled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fat Friday cancelled

I really, really wanted to get donuts today. A dozen and some munchkins (basically donut holes). I went to the Square as I got up around 0900. I had a turkey bacon sandwich and my espresso. Then I decided that if they had lavash bread, I’d get some turkey breast and have it for lunch rather than buying donuts. They didn’t have lavash bread so I got flour tortilla. It will do perfectly. I’ll also put in some cranberry sauce and it will be a yummy roll up. So my fat Friday was cancelled.

On the way home, I stopped at a convenience store to get quick picks for the lottery. The powerball just went up to half a billion dollars and the Mega Millions is like 300 million. Either would be nice to win. Then I went to Walgreens to pick up my Zofran. I was disappointed that the pills weren’t the ones that you put under your tongue. It was tablets. Oh well. The covering doc gave me a 90 day supply. I am lucky if I go through 30 in a year. I don’t use it that often, only when I get a migraine with nausea. Usually I’ll have the nausea before I get the migraine. So I am set for the next two years with this med.

Last night, the pit of despair surrounded me. Every year from Aug to Oct, I get really depressed and suicidal. This has been happening since 1994, when I had my first major depressive episode that landed me in the hospital from Aug till Jan 1995. I think that if I didn’t have a great psych resident at the time, I would have taken my life. Things were awful. I couldn’t go to school or work. I just slept all day and was in a severe depressed state. Nothing really happened to trigger it, as far as I know. But it has been happening every year since then.

I emailed my psychiatrist before I went to sleep last night. I had a hard time falling asleep because of pain and psychache. I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook. I hope it is a good group in which I can get support when I am feeling suicidal. The next few months are going to be rough. I can already feel the depression starting to set in. Maybe that is why I have been sleeping most days the last few weeks.

Last night I was talking with a friend. She can be a little bit too caring and set in her ways. I told her next week is going to be rough for me because I have back to back appointments. It’s going to be exhausting for me. She just replied that I should get a ride to the appointments. I tried to tell her that wasn’t the point and then she said at least I wouldn’t be walking. I told her sitting is just as bad for me. I really don’t want to use the ride because it costs money and I hate being a passenger with someone I don’t know driving. I also hate traffic. I rather take the T to where I am going. I know it will be exhausting so Wed I am not going to plan on doing anything. It’s the only day that I don’t have plans. Mon I have therapy, Tues is my neuro appt, wed rest day, Thurs seeing a friend for coffee, and Friday seeing the dentist for a check on my gums. It’s the first week that I have a busy schedule.

I need to call the place that made my AFO. The part that braces my leg is very dirty and worn. I tried cleaning it with a baby wipe but only some of the stuff came off. I noticed there were cracks in the material so I think it needs to be replaced. Only problem is I need a car to get to it as it’s not T accessible. It kind of is, but it’s a long walk from the station and I can’t walk that far. I noticed today that the part is removable. I am going to try plain old soap and water. If that doesn’t work, I will call. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had the AFO so it might need some tuning up.

I’m hoping to finish Tom Sawyer this weekend. If I do, I will move to some SE Hinton books called Tex and Rumble Fish. I haven’t read those books in a long time. I follow SE Hinton on Twitter and she is a very nice person who responds to any question, usually. I’ve loved her since I was a teen. She is one of my favorite authors. She wrote an adult book called Hawkes Harbor. After I read Tex and Rumble Fish, I will start that book. I think that is all the books that she wrote, other than The Outsiders, That was then, this is now, and Taming the star runner. I love all her books. I wish I could write like her. I keep thinking of writing a short story about sci fi and Star trek but I can never think too much about where to begin. I’ll write it one day. I just need to try and write if from a third person rather than first. I tend to do that a lot in my writing, only because it’s easier for me. Maybe I should take a creative writing class or something. I did take one in college but because of my psych issues, I had to withdraw from class midsemester. I miss school.

bad day at the dentist and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad day at the dentist and other things

I went to the dentist to have my gum looked at as it was still sore. He didn’t do the filling on the other side as he basically had to redo the filling where my gum was inflamed. He then told me the bad news, that I needed a crown or an extraction, possibly a root canal on that tooth. I have no idea if my dental insurance will cover it. I know the last time I needed a root canal it cost me like $1500 as a down payment before they did any work, and that was with my insurance.

The work he did today is going to leave me sore the next couple of days. He said the filling was down to the bone. Not good. I go back to see him next week to see how things are. I wanted to go to Starbucks for coffee but my mouth is very numb. I will be numb the next couple of hours so maybe tomorrow I will go to the Square.

I had a bad dream early this morning. I don’t know why. I usually just have weird dreams. But I woke up feeling scared and I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I then played with my phone until I felt sleepy. When I came back from the dentist, my mother had made some peppers and eggs. I was starving so I had some, being careful not to chew on the side that was numb.

I was really tired after the dentist so took a nap. It was cool today so I shut off the AC but after my nap, I was really hot. I never mailed my friend’s card. Dammit. I texted her this morning to wish her a happy birthday. I would have loved to go out to see her rather than see the dentist today. I know it would have made her day.

Last night, I had my blog stats spike. I had over 100 views. My top three were my home page, the therapist blog from the other night, and Knackered, in that order. It was people from the US that was reading. It gave me a boost mentally. I usually average around 50 views a day so more than doubling that felt really good.

I think I am going to read Tom Sawyer. I am way behind in my reading. I want to read 30 books this year and right now, I have only read 7 for the year. I need to be better on reading books rather than Twitter or Facebook all day. Maybe I should put a timer on or something so I am not spending all day on social media. Twitter has just got me feeling scared of my country’s future as long as Cheeto is still in charge. I wish they would impeach him already because it is obvious he isn’t going to resign. He likes the power too much. It’s really sad.

feeling helpless and hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling helpless and hopeless

I went to bed late, after 0200. I wanted to watch a movie but Netflix didn’t have the movies I wanted to watch. They suggested others and I saw one that had Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. I thought it was a comedy so started watching it. I don’t know how long I was watching it but it was dull. An hour into it and Richard Pryor still hadn’t made an appearance. I stopped watching it and went to sleep.

I woke up with a lot of Twitter messages about the therapist blog I wrote last night. A friend that I sent it to went on a string of messages about how to better treat people like me. He is the director of a behavioral health center in Missouri and he speaks about suicide prevention all the time. I also had a message from another Twitter friend that said she was going to use my blog as a Segway in her curriculum. I thought that was awesome. She asked if I was involved in NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) and I responded that I wasn’t but I had a number for a therapist line to call but haven’t done so yet. I am still looking for another therapist because the one I am seeing, I am just not clicking with and it’s frustrating me.

I must have been up for at least a half hour or so, and then the pain started. Severe pain. It wasn’t even 1000 yet! I took my pain meds and some ibuprofen so my mouth wouldn’t hurt. I immediately felt so hopeless and helpless because there was absolutely nothing more I could do to help myself. I tried to go back to sleep but I was kind of angry this was happening. Then my mother called to tell me I had to make breakfast for my niece. WTF. I told her I was sleeping and she didn’t fucking care.

I had to go to Walgreens to get my prescription filled. My mother wanted some things as well as I saw a note on the kitchen table. I grumbled and basically told my foot I was going. I got dressed and went. I just realized now that I forgot to mail a card for my friend. Her birthday is tomorrow. I should have got a stamp last week when I bought it but I didn’t want to break a twenty dollar bill for 49 cents. I didn’t have any smaller bills on me. Now it’s too late and my foot is still throbbing so I am not going to go out again.

After my little nap, I had to brush my teeth and use the rinse as I didn’t do it in the morning. I took more pain meds, ibuprofen, and my antibiotic before I did because the rinse makes drinks really taste bad. My mother woke me up to find out what I wanted for supper. I told her I wasn’t hungry. I’ve only had a tuna sandwich before I left for Walgreens, nothing else. I didn’t even make coffee. Later I will probably order a pastrami sub and fries. I still am not hungry. I am in too much pain to care if I eat or not.

I had a notification on Facebook about a post in my Cauda Equina support group I belong to. I had posted my “knackered” blog and someone shared it with her daughter. She read the blog and said now she understands and she apologized to her mother. I felt pretty good that my blog touched someone and made someone realize what it was like with this crappy condition. The mother I think bought my book as well. That made my day a little better before pain wrecked it.

Sox are playing tonight. They won last night. Before I wrote the therapist blog, the score was 1-0, Sox. After the blog, it was 10-3! They ended up winning 10-4. I was like, I should write my blog during game times to see if they can win more games! I was excited for them. They turned their first triple play of the year. The young third baseman is on fire. He’s only 20 years old. Still a rookie but playing very well. I hope it continues. After the game, I was depressed as there was no more baseball tweets on Twitter. The feed was all about Cheeto, his comments, and what went on in Virginia over the weekend. Just a very sad state right now for my country. Maybe that is why I feel so hopeless today as well. I don’t know.

Therapist’s choice or fear?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Therapist’s choice or fear?

My therapist of sixteen years had decided sometime while on our three week break that she couldn’t work with me anymore for what reasons are still not quite clear. We had been arguing over various things the last several months, including my suicidality and it was becoming apparent that she refused to seek the given evidence based practices I was telling her about to deal with my suicidality. I was becoming more and more frustrated and wrote a blog about it that “opened her eyes”. Our engagement ended in February of this year. I was gutted. I had no choice but to end things with her if she had no idea how to work with me any more. So the hunt for a new therapist began, once I could manage it.

It is very difficult to find someone willing to work with a high risk suicidal patient, such as myself. When my therapist moved to her office thirty miles away and I had no means of getting there, I called ten therapists in a five mile radius of my house. I kept getting the run around. I couldn’t be seen by them because I was high risk and so they referred me to someone else. That someone else then referred me to someone else. I became distraught and just stayed with my therapist event though it meant more phone sessions and text messages.

Now I had the same problem, except I had no back up. There was no one. I had asked some therapist friends on Twitter in my area if they knew anyone seeking new clients. One responded and gave me a name. That therapist never returned my calls. After three weeks (one call a week), I gave up and moved to therapist number two. Same deal. It took me until April to find someone that a) took my insurance and b) wasn’t afraid of suicide. I’ve been seeing this guy for about three months now and it is getting obvious to me that we just aren’t clicking. You need a certain chemistry to work with someone is this guy is lacking. I thought I could work with him but he is my back up right now. I am looking for someone else.

The day that I had my first meeting with him back in April, two therapists returned my phone calls. One had taken three weeks to call me back so I was not in a rush to call her back even though her qualifications seemed like it would match what I was looking for. The other organization I didn’t know too much about but knew they offered CBT, a therapy modality known to work with some people but didn’t for me. I kindly told them I was not looking at this time but if that changed (I hadn’t met the guy yet so it could be possible not to work out), I’d be in touch.

So when I was hospitalized a few weeks ago and my current therapist told the social worker that I was there because of “family conflict” instead of a psychotic episode that happened that weekend, I got pissed off and realized I wasn’t going to waste 16 years with this guy to know it was wrong. I called the other therapist and she never called me back. Then I got in touch with the organization. I had a phone interview with them last week. He first went over my insurance as he didn’t take one of them. OK, but he took the other so I was okay with that. Then we talked about clinical stuff. He asked when was the last time I was hospitalized and I truthfully told him a few weeks ago. He ended the conversation saying his group would be unable to help me as I needed “intensive outpatient” treatment after a hospitalization. He basically said I was “too sick” to work with one of his therapists.

I was floored this happens in 2017. I have been studying suicidology since 2007, reading countless articles about how clinicians, particularly psychiatrists, are more prone to have a suicide during their career than any other profession. Psychologists are second to that. Yet despite the advancements in evidence based practices (EBP), there is still the fear of losing someone to suicide. I can’t make that go away and if I ever become a therapist, I too will have that fear. But there are measures you can take to decrease that risk in the high risk client, if there is a willingness to work with one. That opportunity is lost if you slam the door like countless therapists have done to me. Suicide is inherent in any psychotherapy, regardless of risk factors. It can “appear out of the blue” or not noticed until an attempt is made or a death occurs. The suicide rate keeps climbing. And one of these days, I will become part of that yearly statistic.

I look for help and get denied because of my risk factors, which are history of previous attempts, history of abuse, history of hospitalizations, and history of self harm. These factors I deem “high risk” can also be viewed as severe mental illness or “being too sick”. It was the director of the organization’s choice not to take me on as a client. Pissed me off but his choice regardless. But was it also his fear that I would take on a certain liability because I was chronically suicidal and mentally ill? I will never know but my gut says fear altered his choice. I understand that therapist want to have the kind of practice where things go smoothly and stuff like suicide is dusted under the rug. Suicide is a dirty word. I get that. I have lived it since I was eight, when I first thought of ending my life. No one wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. But excluding these people from these practices, what the hell did you enter the field for?? I have to wonder.

The therapist I work with now doesn’t follow a lick of EBP. I still don’t know what kind of therapist he is. Frankly, he just lets me ramble for 45 mins then it’s see you next week. He has explained what he does but he has yet to actually do it, which is why I want to see someone else, if I can find that person. I live in the hub of academia where there are thousands of therapists. The biggest problem I come across, other than their fear of suicide, is not taking new clients. OK. I get it but can you refer me to someone who IS taking them? No answer or try Susie Q who isn’t within my area of accessibility.

Anyways, these are my thoughts on the matter. Getting screwed by those that are supposed to help mental health patients but don’t want to deal with mental health patients that fit a certain criteria. I think that sums it up nicely.