Tag: blog

you wrecked my whole world when you came…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

you wrecked my whole world when you came

The title is from Luke Combs Hurricane song. I have been listening to it on repeat because he got married yesterday to his long time girlfriend. I am so damn happy for him.

I don’t know what is going on with my stomach but I got the fricken runs for the third day in a row. I have been trying to keep up with Powerade but it has been tough trying to drink. I have been trying to drink every twenty minutes or so but I keep forgetting. I think I got to put a timer on so I can stay hydrated. I really don’t want to go to the ED for dehydration.

I had therapy today. She gave me a list of three things to do before our next appointment this week. I know she is concerned now because she is seeing me twice this week. I am to make a playlist, a puppy/kitten slideshow, and eat chocolate. I don’t have chocolate so I will have to buy some when I go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. My NP has agreed to put me back on sertraline for now. I just hope it doesn’t make me sick. I figure I have at least two months before the nausea/reflux will start. I haven’t told my therapist yet. I will when I see her on Thurs.

After therapy I went to the Square. I stopped in Starbucks for a drink. I got a cloud caramel macchiato. It was so good. Then I went to the butcher shop to get steak and burgers. If I feel up to it, I will make turkey bacon for my burger. I don’t think I have sandwich pickles anymore. I miss having them for the burgers. I will use dill relish instead. Not the same but close to it.

I have been dealing with a low key depression since therapy. I just feel deflated, like all the air has been sucked out of me. Doesn’t help that I keep having anxiety attacks where I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to remember to breathe by taking deep breaths. One of the mental health Twitter accounts I follow showed the box breathing method that my therapist showed me a few weeks ago. I have been using it on and off. It is kind of tricky because you got to hold the inhale and exhale breaths for four seconds. I half want to take an Ativan to calm myself but I don’t want to be medicated during the day.

Sox are off tonight. They lost last night because of my *favorite* pitcher fucked up a pitch to the fugly Aaron Judge. He was so hot last night. He hit two homeruns and got a few more hits. I hate the Skankees so much. They swept us.

I got to find a meditation thing that I like. The last two that I have tried I didn’t like and I know there are thousands so I just got to keep searching. It is so hard though when you are struggling to try and find something because it just gets annoying. I rather listen to music anyway than do meditation.

Saturday Blog 01082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 01082020

Rabbits! Rabbits! It’s the first of the month and I am not sure why people say rabbits, I was told once but since forgot. So I am saying it in case it will bring me luck this month. I haven’t done anything today but sleep. I just have been so tired. I slept good last night so I don’t understand why I am so tired. I didn’t eat much today. I just had graham cracker cereal. It is all I really wanted today. I might make a burger. I don’t know yet. I might make turkey bacon instead. I haven’t had it in a while.

I am feeling tired and depressed. I don’t feel like doing much and I am so stressed out about the upcoming surgery. I have been having anxiety attacks all day because of the stress. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I’ve been clenching my teeth as all of them have been hurting me. I wish there was something I could take for the pain but there isn’t.

I need to shave again. I have decided not to let my beard grow in. I like it when I clean shaven. I just need to trim my mustache. That is the only hard part because I am not skilled in doing it. Hopefully it will come with practice.

I slept all day and I feel like I can go back to sleep. I am trying to stay up for a bit so that I can go to sleep when I take my meds. I feel so disgusting. My stomach is bothering me and not sure why. It has been hurting for the past two days. I know it cannot be because of constipation because my bowels emptied the other day and then I got diarrhea.

Monday I got to call PT and change the appointment to a virtual visit. I really don’t want to go but I got to do something while I am waiting for surgery. I ordered Chinese food because I wanted it. I really don’t feel like cooking.

I got Taylor Swift’s album stuck in my head. I might hear it after I have supper.

a little of this and that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A little of this and that

I have been bordering on the edge of crying all day today. My emotions have been all over the place. I haven’t cried yet but it is there. I am listening to Taylor’s new album, Folklore. It is beautifully crafted. I love all the songs. I can’t believe I haven’t written about this till now. I am a huge Taylor fan (if you been following me for a few years you know this). I didn’t like her album lover as much as I thought I would but this one, blows the socks out of the water. I am so in love with this album. There is no song that I have skipped nor want to. I don’t have a favorite song yet. There are three in the mix, maybe five. I am still learning the names of the songs. It takes me a long time to learn a new album’s names and there are a lot of songs on this album so it is going to take a while.

I had therapy yesterday. My therapist is concerned now that I am not on medication. She feels that eventually she will have to hospitalize me because she fears a deterioration in my mood. I hope this doesn’t happen. She is having a check in with me on Monday to see how I am. Mentally I am not doing well. I know this but I am worried that she is worried.

I had a shit day so far today, literally. I lost control of my bowels this morning. What a fucking mess. I had to shower afterwards. There was no getting around it. I had my mother look at my backside to see if I got everything. Then I had her give me a beach towel so I could shower. My sister was kind enough to yell at me for not emptying the garbage bag in the bathroom. I thought that was nice of her.

I haven’t been keeping up with fluids today and I feel it. I feel so out of sorts its not funny. I am just completely worn out. I went to get my haircut after therapy yesterday. I got a caramel cloud macchiato. It was so good. I miss going there regularly. They have the seating all blocked off. It is sad for the times.

I have been weepy the past three days but I haven’t cried. It is like it is building but I can’t get relief. I am so depressed. I wish I knew why but I don’t. I feel like I am just going to lose it one of these days. I am so tired of being depressed. I am off medication, which is why my therapist is concerned about me. I won’t go back on meds unless I am in worse shape. There really is nothing for me to take. I have been on everything. I might go back on Zoloft if I have to go back on meds. I don’t know what I will do if the voices come back. I don’t know if I want to go back on the Invega. I might switch to something else.

My surgeon’s secretary got back to me today. Surgery is scheduled for the 27th of Aug. Four weeks I will know if this is going to work for me. In the meantime I am still going to get headaches and shit when I do things. I am so tired I think I am going to lay down and hope I can sleep.

having a meltdown in the middle of a heatwave

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Having a meltdown in the middle of a heat wave

Today I snapped with the heat. I just cannot take it anymore so I am staying in my room to freeze to death. I cannot stand the hotness and humidity that has been going on all week. I haven’t been able to get my prescription. My brother in law will get it later today. I have been without my meds the past three days. And my ankle is killing me. It hurts so much that I can’t do a damn fucking thing. I wish I could wake up from this night mare but it has been so fricken hot I don’t think I will see a cold day until winter, whenever that is. I don’t ever remember temps being this high before. It doesn’t help that the house doesn’t have AC. I think if it did I wouldn’t be so ornery. I am passed my breaking point and the only place I can be is in my room because that is where the AC is. I wanted to get my hair cut today but I have no energy and besides, I can’t walk right now with my ankle being sore.

I feel this horrendous pressure to do something but I don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed. I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I just haven’t been with the whole self care/self hygiene stuff this week. It has been too hot. I really want to shave but I have no energy to sit in the hot bathroom. The whole house is sweltering hot and my mother doesn’t care. I just want to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping and or been having bad dreams. Right before I woke up I dreamt about chicken wings and how there were pans and pans of them in some religious order. We cooked them but we couldn’t eat them because they were plastic. My brain on a heatwave.

Last night was BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sox won 13-2 against the Orioles. Nasty Nate was nasty. I bought batteries for my radio because I don’t know where the plug is for the radio. I thought I put it in the battery compartment but it’s not there. Another annoyance in this heat. I should get the batteries today I hope. Then I can listen to the game all season, all 60 games.

I want a coffee but I don’t want to leave my room. I just want to freeze and think about shaving. Maybe I will shave in my room. I will dry shave though I don’t know how I will rinse the razor. Ok poor planning on my part. Maybe that isn’t a good idea. I just want this stubble off. It is annoying me. I have one big zit on my jawline that hurts and little ones all throughout my beard. I think the heat just created this I need to wash my face but I don’t want to leave my room unless it is going to a cooler part of the house which there is no cooler part of the house. I wish my mother had AC in the house. This is ridiculous that every summer we got to sweat our heads off. I am so fucking mad at her. She got her prescription at the pharmacy but didn’t get mine. Now I am without meds.

I talked with my psych the other day. We had a mutal meeting and she is now an associate of mine. She isn’t my doctor anymore but we know each other and care for one another. She wants me to write a book and I laughed. She asked why I was laughing and I said it was because it was funny. I can’t write a book. I have no idea what the hell to write. I can barely write a blog daily. Book writing is different though. I just don’t know what I want to write. I still have hopes of writing a baseball history book. I want to do that but I don’t know how. I have never written a history book and it has been quite some time since I wrote a history paper. I need to look it up and see what is out there. And if the market will support the book.

I am so bloody tired. I just want to fucking sleep. Or lay down. That is all I have been doing the past three days. I haven’t left my room except to use the bathroom and eat. I need a haircut. I wanted to get it done today but that is not happening unless it is 2 degrees outside. I am falling asleep. I am just so damn tired from this godforsaken heat. My brother in law is cutting the grass so I am getting fresh cut grass smell through my AC. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. I hate feeling so lifeless. Everything is a fucking effort right now and I can’t stand it. I really want to shower but it is too fucking hot. I don’t care if I drink all my lemon lime Gatorade today. I only got 10 of the 20 I ordered. I am not happy about this but maybe during the week I can go to stop and shop and get some more. I will see if my cousin can take me if this heatwave cools off. I am not going out in this fucking mother fucking heat. I just am not doing it. It better be 20 degrees next week or I am going apeshit.

I want to shave my fucking face so I can get rid of the zits that are there. My beard is so uncomfortable. I hate it. I want to be clean shaven again. Least the bathroom has a cool vent so I can be some what comfortable. I just need the fucking energy to do it. I want to fucking nap so hard right now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I need some music that isn’t Hamilton right now. I took an Ativan because I need to fucking chill right now. I am just so upset over the heat and there is nothing I can do about it. I want the batteries to the radio so I can listen to the fucking game again. I miss hearing it. Last night I wanted nothing more than to listen to it and I was denied. The batteries are on their way so I can listen to the radio this afternoon. I will listen to some part of the game today even if it is the last part of it. I miss baseball so much.

I had a bran muffin for breakfast and as far as I am concerned that is the only thing I will eat today. I don’t fucking care. I had my coffee with it and I might make another coffee. I want coffee today and I don’t care if it gives me the jitters.

They just published a study where those with psychotic depression did better with ECT than those with non psychotic depression. I still am not going to lose my memory because I value my memory more than anything. And it was a 10 year old study so I don’t see how the results are new. I put my AC on high so I can freeze and be under a blanket with the AC on. I want to freeze so bad I feel like taking my shirt off. My ankle is feeling the cold more than any other part of my body right now. I hate that it is so sensitive to temperatures. I don’t want to put on a thermal sock on. I don’t want to wear thermal socks in a heat wave. I will flip out.