Tag: Blogging

Another frustrating day on the psych unit 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, disability, mood disorders

The crummy SW came back. We met for less than 15 mins. No plan on helping me, just go with the flow. Met with psychiatrist who spoke about the anxiety suicidal ideation brings to clinicians. He wants a way to basically stop me from going there but acknowledged that it was basically my go to escape plan. No other plans for getting me out sooner were discussed. I am frustrated. I don’t want to be here but I need a safety net before I can fucking go. Told him I needed to work with my therapist on that, which I cannot do while I am here. I don’t think he got it. No plans for discharge were talked about. Bastard.

Contact person got me a shower chair. I just took some pain meds so in about an hour, I’ll take off my boot, see how my ankle and foot are, then try to shower. Hate that all these steps need to be in place for this activity but that is what it is like living with chronic pain.

I am getting really annoyed every single time I need a pain med the nurse asks me what my pain is. Then asks what will this bring it down to. Um, I don’t know? It could help, stay the same. Get worse because I move it, the pain could change to something else? Fuck. There is so much stigma around the damn pain and pain meds yet if I ask for an Ativan, they don’t ask me what level of anxiety or agitation I’m feeling. What the fuck is the difference? Just shut up and give me my meds!

As you can probably tell, I am very disgruntled, to say the least. I am a bit aggravated and annoyed. I only went to the group therapy group today. It was the only appealing group. I have read some more Harry potter this morning but now I am too discouraged to go back to it. It is the only book I brought with me so I am trying to stretch it out as I don’t know how long I’ll be here. 

I have no idea with the SW asked if I was dating. She always asks weird questions when every admission. Dumbfuck. Like dating would help me when I want to end my pain. Pfffttt. Last time I was here we spent a good amount of time going over my transition, which was not the reason for my admission. So annoying because when it was the reason I went into the hospital, they didn’t want to talk about it at all.

I’ve been having the same contact person nearly every day, which is good because then there is some continuity. I don’t have to go over my story every shift. I might take a nap before I take a shower just to see how my foot/ankle responds to no boot. If it doesn’t explode, that will be good. I could use a low pain day today. It is raining out and the week is going to be cold. But least no snow is in the forecast.

Want to go home

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Today has been difficult.  I’ve had pain all day, sometimes excruciating and other times tolerable. I worried my morning contact person because the plan I took off the table, I put back on. It is staying on for now. I’m in a don’t give a shit mood. I’m tired of being in horrible pain. I haven’t done much yet I hurt so bad.

I really just want to die. I won’t do anything while I am here. I am kind of nervous about tomorrow and meeting with Bonnie (not her real name). I don’t think from here on out I’m going to be helped. It doesn’t help that I feel so hopeless that things will get better. My support group has been doing what they can for me but I feel like I shouldn’t share too much of my depression for fear of bringing people down.

I’ve been reading the Harry Potter and the cursed child for most of the day. I read it before taking my meds and I was in the wizard world for a while. Then I came back to reality and I didn’t like it. I really didn’t think I would like this book but I am, even though it doesn’t have too much description like a normal book does. It is mostly script with few descriptions of the scene. I know if it was written like a book it would be at least a thousand pages, minimum. But I am enjoying myself with it while I try to escape the pain and boredom of this place. I wish I brought my Kindle. Maybe I’ll ask my sister to bring it to me. A fellow patient who is being discharged tomorrow gave me some candy and tea. I was out of my regular tea as I didn’t think to pack it. All I have left is chamomile tea. I had two cups of Lipton today. It gave me the caffeine I needed. The coffee is wicked terrible so I don’t drink it.

My cousin said some things on Facebook that really got under my skin. I replied just as callous back. If he can’t understand my mental illness or physical pain, Fuck him. I’m not going to placate him. He could have said sorry to miss seeing you rather than he was disappointed. His choice of words, not mine. I’m tired of being judged by small minded people.

I have been sitting on my bed the last few hours. My tailbone hurts. Now it’s raining out so my spine is hurting. It was hot in my room so I had staff open my other window. Least it will get the air circulating. I really cannot stand heat. I miss my ceiling fan. The temp today has gone from 49 degrees to 60, which is kind of odd for Nov. I was freezing this morning but the heat seems to have kicked on high for some reason. Staff just looked at the controls for my room and it’s on cool so I don’t know what the fuck is going on. It is an old building so it does weird things.

I took another dose of Miralax for my bowels. I finally went though I still feel bloated. I’ve been trying to keep up with fluids because I woke up with a sore throat but that just made the feeling of being bloated worse. I am hoping all the food I ate gets digested by tomorrow. I hate this feeling of being full when I didn’t overeat. I know the strong pain pill is causing my bowels to be backed up but there is nothing I can do about it. I need it to help my pain as I can’t take it like I do at home. 

I’m hoping tomorrow I have a better sense of when I will be going home. I really want to leave. Being here is just solidifying my planning. It is going to be tough because no a whole lot of “work” has been done since I have been here. I have been doing the PT stuff because it is easier to remember to do. Imagery has been ok but I only get so far before I wander off. The depression makes it hard to really focus on anything. 

Update hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I am so livid!!!! Asswipe have transferred me to the crummy hosp I was in in July. If I get the same treatment team, I am signing a 3 day. Fuck this shit. 

Med screw up. Night meds are day meds. My mood stabilizer they only have at night, not morning. And my hormone pill hasn’t been approved by pharmacy yet. If I get my menses over a missed dose, there will be hell. I didn’t bring the proper attire for that shit. Ugh. I am not fucking happy. 

Back is fricken hurting from the beds. I might as well be sleeping on concrete. I did get some sleep so that was good. Not doing shit today. I’m too sleepy and want to just be alone. 

My name is a fucking issue. I legally changed my name and they are refusing to change it in the system. WTF. I told them I changed it last week but no avail. I will be giving them the insurance card I just received. Maybe that will do something. 

This hosp wasn’t planned so I am out of sorts. My psych is hopeful they can help me. I seriously doubt it if I get Bonnie and Clyde. I told them which doc/team I wanted. And that Bonnie and Clyde are asswipe.

I got a single again. Transgender has its perks. Sucky part is they know I have trouble walking so they put me farthest from the nurse’s station. They always do this. Assholes. They had to dump my water bottles because they were open. Ugh. Wasn’t happy about that either! But the water cooler water is decent so I’ll have water. I brought a cup with me to I would use less Styrofoam. They also have enhanced water which is flavored but no calories. I really like it.

I won’t find out who my team is until rounds, which will be in a few hours. I probably won’t see anyone until the afternoon so I can sleep this morning. I was up for close to 20 hours yesterday. Hope it doesn’t cause a hypomanic episode. I’m still mad they screwed up my mood stabilizer. Everything is in the damn computer because everything is linked. Fucker. I’ll get it straight when I see the doc. 

When I was signing in to a voluntary admission, I was tempted to not sign until I knew who my treatment team was. I don’t know if I do have to sign a 3 day if today will count. The rules surrounding that are weird. If I sign and have to stay the weekend, I’ll be pissed. Please send good vibes that I get the team I want.

ugh another psych admit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ugh another psych admit

Met with my psych this morning. I should have known it wasn’t going to be a good day when the 747 bus never showed up but my cousin did to give me a ride to the Square. I gave her some sauce and a piece of my cranberry cake. Then she said she wanted me to go in the hospital. From her tone, there was no arguing with her. She didn’t like that I picked a date, again, or the dire emails I sent when my pain caused me to be suicidal, more than usual. I’m just grateful she let me go to my therapist’s office later this afternoon. I told her I wanted his input.

I came home waited for my new laptop screen to be delivered. I was expecting it around 1230. It didn’t come till after 1300, which left little time for a nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but knew I would need some when it got closer to my therapist’s time. Unfortunately, I didn’t bring my bag of all things, which contained a water bottle so I didn’t take my pain meds. I still felt good so thought I would be okay.

I talked with my therapist about what my psych had said. He didn’t see the point in going in except maybe learning a few things, if I went to the unit my psych wants me at. I thought about this as I left his office. I got to the corner of where his block was and the top of my foot felt like it was being smashed with a brick. Fuck! I had no water to take my one pain pill I had. I carefully walked to the station. Went down the stairs and the train was coming, a full one. Nope not standing three stops. I sat down and waited for the next one, which wasn’t too long. It was less crowded and I got a seat. By the time I got to the Square for the bus home, I wanted to cry. The pain intensified. I could have killed myself right then and there. I missed the bus by mere fractions and sat for the next one. I thought I was going to bawl as the bus was in traffic on the ride home. I was hurting so bad and I needed to get my meds at Walgreens. I honestly have no clue how I got home.

I wanted to tell my youngest sister I would be going in the hosp tomorrow but she was surrounded by her family and my middle sister and I didn’t want to bring it up. My brother in law is anti-mental health issues of any kind. I’ll text her later with it.

I did tell my mother, which is a huge step for me as I usually just leave her notes the morning of. We were talking when my psych called me. HAHA she is worried about. She asked how I was and I said not so great as it has been a long day. I then explained that I wanted to go to the unit she recommended and if I end up at the hospital I was in a few months ago, I will sign a 3 day (basically it’s a form forcing the hospital a 72 hour notice to decide if I need to stay (court will be involved), can go home, or will leave against medical advice). If I do go to the hospital and get assigned a different treatment team other than Bonnie and Clyde, I will stay as they may be helpful. There is one doc there I really like working with and he is sincere in trying to help anyway he can, unlike the Bonnie and Clyde couple. Bonnie and Clyde are assholes who after learning I wanted to leave the hospital to kill myself, then asked when I wanted to be discharged. Fuck you too! It was a complete waste of time and I won’t go back to their “treatment”. Plus those assholes put in my medical record that I have gender dysphoria so now all my medical records in this healthcare system know, whereas only my psych knew before. I am still steamed about this but once something is in the records, it cannot be removed without serious documentation and possibly a lawyer. Not worth it. I did bring it up to my psych, who was not happy to learn my PCP read her notes. He is okay with me being trans so I just hope it doesn’t make me a target of any discrimination, now or in the future. I told my therapist today that he will not be getting any releases from my long term disability folks. They do not need to know anything about what I talk to him about. Course they could just read my blog, which would be all they needed to either have me continue with their shit or not. I feel like their stuff is heavier than social security!! Once I get my newer laptop running again (crosses fingers and eyes), I plan on going to the website to see what exactly I am disabled. I am kind of in the dark as to whether or not it’s physical or psych or both. With my long term disability, it’s physical and depression, though how they determined that without my therapist’s notes, I have no clue. Must have gotten them from my psych, but even she didn’t get anything, so who knows. As long as they continue to pay me (the small amount) I am happy.

So tomorrow morning, I will be catching the first bus to the Square to go to the ER, where I hope I’ll be placed in the unit my psych wants me to go to. I am not feeling hopeful about it as we have tried to get on this unit many times and failed. I am very tired. I will be taking my night meds shortly and hopefully go to bed within an hour, if not sooner. I just hope my stupid foot pain doesn’t keep me up all night. I also hope I have access to my phone on this unit or I will not like it. I won’t be able to use the app for my PT. I can’t say that it’s been helping because my scores have been terrible when I am in high pain. Maybe that is a good thing. It will be nice to see if the scores change over time. I told my psych that PT is going to be a long process that won’t happen overnight. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the patience or the hopefulness to stick with it as my depression is so severe. Even my therapist said today I don’t look too hopeful that the hospitalization or anything will help. He is right. I have been let down so many times but usually just the change of environment has helped a little, even if the staff hasn’t been. Sometimes a hospitalization will help me see things differently but that was when I was dealing with mental demons, not pain demons. It is so unpredictable and that is what wears me out. As I was telling my mother tonight, there is no reason for my ankle to hurt doing “normal” movements that it should do. Physically there is nothing wrong with the bones, that I know of. I am still waiting to hear back about the bone scan. The tendons might be inflamed but after all the rest that I have given it the last 5 years, it should have been calmed down by now. If this is truly a nerve injury, I am screwed as there is no treatment and if anything, it should have shown some improvement by now if there was going to be any. The fact that the pain has gotten worse doesn’t help me feel too hopeful about the future. Hence why I get so suicidal in a flare up.