Tag: chronic illness

Are we out of the woods yet?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Are we out of the woods yet?

Since my first blog, I have been listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t help it. I love this album so much. Each song is catchy and I find myself dancing in my seat. Since the blog I have gone shopping and made myself the steak I bought. I am really more exhausted than I was before I started. I haven’t had time to nap as I have just been reading Twitter. I follow doctors so my TL is filled with the match stuff and of course the tragedy that happened in Atlanta. Funny, I had a bad day yesterday and I didn’t kill anyone. Imagine that. These people will cover white privilege any chance they get. Pisses me off. This was a domestic terrorist attack on Asian Americans.

My back is hurting something awful and it isn’t my lower back this time. My upper back has been cramping since on the walk home. I want to nap so bad. I am debating shaving my head using the electric shaver. I usually don’t do a good job with the shaver like I do with a manual razor. I don’t want to shower because my back will just cramp up more as I try to stand. I am having a low pain day and I don’t want to turn it into a high pain day.

My sister made cookies while I was eating my steak. I am going to sneak downstairs and have some. They are anise cookies, my favorite next to chocolate chips. Did I mention I was tired? I think I am going to be overtired tonight and not be able to sleep. Usually my night meds help tremendously with sleep and I am usually asleep within an hour or two after taking them. I don’t know if they are the reason I am so tired during the day or not. My psychiatrist says because I take it at night it can’t be the culprit so who knows. I am just tired of being tired.

ceiling fan

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ceiling fan

It is really cold with the wind and it is coming in through my AC so I have my ceiling fan off. I should dust it while it isn’t in use. It’s got some serious dust bunnies on the blades, but only on one side of the blade. Weird. I want to clear off the things on my bureau too. Just throw them in a box and I will go through it later. I also need to empty my bedside trash can. It is filled. I have to find the trash bag that I had. It has become buried under some clothes due to an avalanche fall of one of my bins. I just can’t deal so left it like it is.

I had therapy today. I wish it helped but all it did was frustrate me more and all we agreed on was getting a bat and beating a pillow up. We talked about how my mother is treating me with the transgender. I told her I wanted to go into hiding. She said that would be a bad idea. She understood how much I was hurting. I told her I wanted to cry but there were no tears. I won’t be seeing her a second time this week. She doesn’t have any openings. I said that was fine. I am not in dire straits. I wills see her next week.

I didn’t brush my teeth this morning because the post nasal drip was bad. I was gagging up a storm. Once it settles down, I will brush. It has been working out better in the afternoon than morning. I still need to shave my head again. I have been trying to keep my hair as short as possible. I found out today while I was combing it that it isn’t even on top like I want it to be. I just asked my cousin who is a hair dresser if this is ok or not. Now I can’t decide if I want to grow it out or cut it to be all one length. My barber is very good but I don’t think he is great with scissors. He is very good with clippers. I like him a lot so I will stay with him. No one else will touch my hair.

I had two cups of coffee today and I am still tired. I want to nap so bad. I have been up since five this morning because I had to pee. It was hard getting back to sleep. I wanted to stay up but my therapy appointment was at 11 and I knew I would start to feel drowsy around that time. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about why I am tired and he hasn’t responded. I don’t think he will because I was kind of flip in my message.

I finally brought a notepad to my bed “office” area so I will write the essays I want to write. I think it will be better written out than typed. Less distraction. I wish I could do it in a coffee shop. I so miss going to Starbucks for coffee and writing. I feel trapped sometimes because I have no where else to go. I could go food shopping. I think I will go to the butcher shop today to get a steak. And maybe some burgers.

shower and a shave

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shower and shave

I need to shave my head and shower today. I am getting very stinky. I should trim my armpit hair. I haven’t done it in a while. It just grows so damn fast, like the hair on my head. I am really congested today with allergies. Today is supposed to be nice out. I am sure I will overdress and be hot. I will probably sweat a lot, too. I got PT today. My mother does, too.

I had a good session with my therapist on Mon. We talked about my suicidality and how I would like things to proceed from now on. We are going to continue working with the chronic pain workbook and I am to do the Crisis Response Plan. It has been hard to do. I haven’t been suicidal so I haven’t done it. I did write it out in my therapy book. I got to put it in my journal. She wants to work with me and I am glad because I really don’t want another therapist.

Baseball spring training is underway. I haven’t watched it because I really don’t watch TV. I don’t know if it has been on the radio or not. They are now doing 9 inning games so it would be worthwhile to see or hear it. They don’t have it on their radio app which sucks. I don’t know if games are going to be on the app this year or not. It was wonderful last year as I could play it anywhere I go and could listen along as I carried my phone with me around the house. I caught every pitch. It was really good.

I finally was able to get my songs on Dropbox off and put it on my phone for Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. I can finally listen to the songs from that awesome night. I still can’t believe I fell asleep midway through her singing. Her voice is so soothing to me so I am not surprised. I am so happy she has her acoustic album.

I have been trying to get my mother to use he/him pronouns with me and she is still resisting it. Yesterday my nephew called me a he and then my mother was like she. I feel so invalidated when she does this. Even when I told her I was her son her response was like “whatever”. I hate that she is like this. I will never understand how a parent can reject their child, never. More stuff to talk to in therapy about.

Since I have been eating regularly, I stopped losing weight. I actually gained some weight but I am still under 200 pounds. I still hate my body. I still want the things on my chest to be gone, completely. Eventually I will get a hysterectomy so I can find out if my bladder is cramping or not. Yesterday I had to email my urologist because I have been retaining again. There have been long stretches where I don’t void. The other day was nearly sixteen hours since my last void. I thought I would have to cath. Yesterday voiding was okay, nearly every three hours I was urinating. It still scares me that I might have to cath again one of these days.

I need to empty my recycles. I have a lot of Gatorade bottles in my room. I just have been so lazy to bring them all the way to the first floor where the recycle bin is. I will try and do that today as tomorrow is trash day.

A Tired Saturday Blog 06032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A tired Saturday Blog 06032021

I woke up at six with what I thought was my mother screaming out in pain. Turns out it was just a dream. My mother was safely sleeping in her bed when I came down to check on her and use the bathroom. I slept for an hour before I had to collect my stuff because the guys are doing the floor and stairs today. I won’t be in my room all day. It is going to be a long day. I wish I could go to a Starbucks and just sit there for the afternoon. Sucks the pandemic takes so much away from you.

I didn’t get a book. I don’t know what to read. I have so many books I can’t pick one. My right shoulder is tingly today. It worries me when it tingles. The PT says it is just muscle movement because of the severity of the knots. I have to do my exercises today. I forgot my heat wrap in my room so I won’t be able to get it. I will have to use some towels or something to make a heat pack.

I sent my therapist some tips on dealing with a suicidal person. I hope she reads it. It is important stuff. The thing that pisses me off is that she always wants to pass me off to some group when I am suicidal. I feel like she can’t handle me and it is not a good feeling. I feel like I am too much for her. I see her Mon and we will talk about this. I just hope she read one of my blogs that I sent her about the response plan. I think it is important.

I have been craving cool ranch dorito chips and I finally got them. It has been the only chips that I have eaten in a while. I usually don’t buy chips because they usually go stale by the time I finish the bag. I only eat a handful at a time and that is it. I didn’t buy a big back. Just a snack bag so that will be plenty. My sister made egg rolls and they were good. I think I will have tuna for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. Yesterday I had Filet o Fish for dinner. It was good. I love McD’s fish sandwich. My sister has some rye bread and celery so I will make the tuna downstairs. It will be a lot quieter than up here where the men are sanding my floors. I hope it isn’t going to be a two day project.

Baseball Spring Training has begun. My Sox are doing well but it is so hard watching them because my favorite players aren’t there anymore. I am very heartbroken that JBJ (Jackie Bradley Jr.) got signed with the Brewers in Milwaukie. There are only three players on the field that I know and like 3 pitchers. All the rest of the guys are new. My 3Bs are gone from the outfield. No more “Win, Dance, Repeat” shenanigans. I will miss my boys. I hope they do well where they are now. I am sure they will. They have great talent. A shame the Red Sox was too cheap to keep them.