Tag: chronic illness

Friday Mayhem

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday mayhem

I went to sleep early but that didn’t help keep me asleep all night. I woke up several times. Then my med alarm went off. I took my meds. Then slept on and off the next couple of hours. I needed to shave and shower. I wanted to be up around 11 so I could possibly have breakfast. It was pouring outside and my mother had all the windows and doors closed so it was a sauna in the house. I went downstairs with a change of clothes which was dumb as it was way too hot to change. I was sweating after my shower, even after drying off. I grabbed my clothes and cooled off in my room. Then went downstairs to eat something. I decided to have cereal. I put too much and it was making me feel sick. I went back to my room.

I wanted to leave around 1430 but I couldn’t wait that long. I left at 1330. I checked on my niece to see if she ate. She did. I then packed by bag with just what I needed and then left. Rain had stopped. I was waiting at the bus stop when my cousin came. He drove me to Starbucks. I was grateful. I don’t think I could stand another 10 minutes waiting for the bus as the bench was wet. My ankle was already starting to act up. I got my espresso and was just in a pissy mood. I thought about getting something to eat but I really wasn’t hungry. I was still full from the cereal.

Around 1500, I left for the train. Someone had fricken urinated in the elevator. I reported it after my stomach wasn’t going to empty. The smell was awful, especially in the heat. It was cool on the train. The sun had come out but I didn’t bring my sunglasses. Oh well. I was early for my appt. I watched the Brazil/Belgium game. Belgium looked like it was going to win. They called me in the last two minutes of the game so I don’t know for certain. I had a new fellow who was a complete moron. I told him I wanted to increase my pain med dosage because the flares were awful. He said we can’t just do that. Instead they are going to increase my breakthrough meds. They didn’t give me 60 count, just 45 but the dumbass didn’t change the order so the pharmacy wouldn’t fill it for 45, just 30. I was so fucking heated. Again I wasn’t fucking heard. Now I got to call Monday and the order changed. The fellow also pushed PT, like it was a cure or something. I told him to write the order and I will go but if I am in pain, I won’t go. He didn’t know how to order it because he was knew to the system. He came back with the scripts and the PT order. I left but I couldn’t make an appt as there was no one there to do it. The office staff had left for the day. They will call me on Monday. Not if I call first.

It was hell trying to get home. There was some kind of problem at Harvard. I waited for three trains because they were full. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand the whole way. Every stop we had to wait 5-10 minutes. A lady left and I took her seat. Then a guy with a shirt too small and his belly sticking out kept kicking my bad foot. He was doing all kind of weird moves while looking on his phone. No idea if he was playing a game or what. I had to tuck my foot in so he wouldn’t kick it, which caused my calf to cramp. Asshole. He got off before my stop. I missed the bus so had to wait another 20 minutes or so. I had decided to order Mexican food. I was so done with today. It took me almost and hour and a half to get home. Ridiculous. Then my meds were too soon to fill. And the other one was fucked up so they couldn’t fill it anyways. UGH!!! Just made my fucking day.

I wrote to my psychiatrist about the idiot clinic. I don’t care anymore. I know she can’t do anything but at least she knows what is going on. I am tempted to cancel my appt with her in a couple of weeks. I really don’t feel like seeing her. If she responds to the email I sent her, I will see her. If she doesn’t respond, I won’t be seeing her. That will be the deciding factor.

PT, power outage, and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I finally was able to sleep around 0430. My med alarm went off around 9. I wanted to throw my phone. I shut the thing off and was drifting off back to sleep. I caught myself and then took my meds. I went downstairs to use the bathroom. I washed my face and for some reason, forgot to brush my teeth. I will have to do so tonight, if my foot pain lets up.

I made breakfast, fried egg and toast. My mother was in the kitchen before pain made her leave. I finished my breakfast in silence and then went back up to my room, only to realize, I didn’t make coffee. I went back downstairs and made it for me and my mother. My mother said I didn’t make it good. It is shit coffee anyways. I don’t care. I made my coffee a little too sweet with the creamer that has sugar in it. I am going to have to buy the Natural Bliss one again. I’ll probably get it on Friday when I am out again.

I was getting itchy just waiting around. My friends on Twitter hadn’t responded to the blog I wrote at the midnight hour. I think they did while I was on my way to PT. I left an hour early because I couldn’t stand being in my room anymore. It was so fricken hot. I brought my Kindle to read while I waited. My PT took me early and did her thing. She was happy that I was doing my exercises. Ya, cause they didn’t involve my ankle at all!! Just upper body and my hips. She did myofascial release again and this time it bothered my thigh. It was in the last minute of it so I let her finish. Don’t know if that was wise or not but I figure why not.

I found an easier way to get back to the station. The end of the building that the PT office is leads to the street that has a bus stop about a block away. I walked it and a bus came pretty quickly. I just got to the station and was able to transfer to the bus home! Score! I checked my message as there were a few. The suicidologist that I have been followed had given me a website to look at the next time I feel like talking to someone that isn’t going to be judgmental or call the cops on me because I have suicidal feelings. It is a chronic suicide group. I told her I would check it out. I did when I got home, once my power got back on. It was out for about a half hour. I was sweating when I came home and had no fan or AC to cool off. It was stuffy in my room. I was holding out for it to come back soon and when it did, I cooled off just enough to go downstairs to have something to eat in case the power went back out again.

I have brought my portable charger on my bed in case I need to charge my phone. Getting back in bed wasn’t good. The pressure I was putting on the mattress to climb in caused a flare. I can’t take any meds. I had already taken a breakthrough med about 2-3 hours ago. I did take some ibuprofen as my back is hurting. Between my foot and ankle hurting, I want to take some Ativan and call it a fucking night. Guess I won’t be hearing the Sox play tonight. They did good last night. The pitcher, Rick Porcello, hit his first double, bringing in three runs. It was awesome. Usually a pitcher strikes out or maybe gets a hit or a sac fly. He came through and helped himself to a lead. The Nats slowly worked their way up but Betts hit a homerun and we kept the lead, thank god. It might have gone to extras otherwise.

Pain has once again brought out the suicidal me. I had sent my blog that I wrote in the midnight hours to my psych but when I emailed her asking her if she read it, she said she didn’t get it. Guess that is why I got no response. I sent it to her again. Hope she gets it this time. I am kind of scared because if she freaks out, what am I going to do? I don’t want to go back to the hospital and I won’t because it is a waste of fucking time. I will page her every hour if it comes to that. Fuck the hospital. I can’t believe just getting on my bed cause my ankle to go completely berserk. That with my foot pain, I am in a “wonderful” mood.

On the way home, I played the lottery because the pot is $270 million. My gut has been telling me to play since it was $210 and today it got really strong. I played my father’s and godfather’s birthdays. I will be happy with a free ticket. I was surprised the cost of the ticket went up. Crooks. It is now $2 when it used to be $1. I don’t know when it happened as I don’t play often, only when the pot is big. Hope I win. I will then move to Canada to avoid another US civil war.

it is hot and I am hangry

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It is hot and I am hangry

I have been in a kind of pissy mood most of the day. I found out that it is because I am hungry. I felt better once I had breakfast and then didn’t eat again until I got home from therapy. I was so friggen angry. Every moron was in my way. I nearly missed my stop because I lost track of the stops. I thought I got on the train where my psychiatrist is. My therapist is two stops later. I was so angry and distracted by my phone, I lost count and luckily looked up in time. No matter, the bus decided not to show up. I caught the bus down the street to catch the 1545 bus that would take me home. I am so mad! And HOT. On the way home, I saw my cousin sitting on the wall by Walgreens. I guess he stopped to relax as his prescription wasn’t ready. We talked on the way home. It had been a while since we chatted. I have his number blocked because he annoys me. Sorry but if I don’t answer my phone the first time, that doesn’t give you permission to call every two minutes for 10 minutes trying to reach me!!

I ordered food because I didn’t want to heat up the pulled pork or make something else. I was too tired and hot. Therapy went okay. He is on vacation for two weeks. Kind of weird not seeing him. He asked why. I said because we have not really had two consecutive weeks of not seeing each other. Maybe every other week but not two weeks. And in that time frame, I don’t have anything else scheduled. Mostly because the All Star game is playing, which means the Sox are off for four days. I hate that week. I miss my boys playing. I can’t believe we are almost at the midway point. We lost big time last night. Sox got their asses handed to them all because of OverPriced Price. Fricken asshole. I think he did it on purpose so he can find some excuse not to play them next time. Fricken loser he is. And a $31 million dollar one at that!

I wrote my friend an email. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago with a doggie pic of the breed she likes. But my stupid phone did something to the email I wrote and it got stuck in my outbox so the only thing that got sent was the pic, then it looked like she responded but there was nothing. I don’t know. I used my computer to send her another message with an update. I am seeing my friends that are south of Boston on the 4th. I am wicked excited. I told them I might be late as the T is running on a Sunday schedule, which means no service to the red line. I hope I can get a ride from my sister. She hasn’t answered my text so not sure what she is doing. If I can’t, I will have to go to the Orange line and transfer to the red. I have no idea how the trains are going to be running. I know I will probably need a cab home.

My back started to act up soon after I got up. Started with my right buttock hurting. I used a tennis ball to massage it. Now my lower back on the right side is hurting. Feels like the muscles want to be torn away from my spine and sacrum. I just hurt. I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain. It is all muscles. I have no radiating pain that would indicate a nerve problem. Weird thing is that I am having zaps (electric shocks) going through the sole of my left foot. It is mild but can cause me to jump at any minute. I had to put my foot at a weird angle to make it stop. Hate zaps. They are more unpredictable than flares. Come when you least expect it and just going about your business. Fuckers. I wish I didn’t have PT tomorrow but the next few days are going to be hot either way. Friday there are going to be storms so I don’t want to go out in that. I just want to hug my AC. I woke up freezing around maybe 4 this morning. I had to shut it off. Then I woke up hot. It didn’t matter as I had to be up anyways. I wish I stayed up than go back to sleep. I feel so worn out. Even my therapist said I was tired.

Sunday Blog 1-July-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 1 July 18

Can’t believe it is fricken July already. Like where did the year go?? 3 days I go south of Boston to see my friends. I found the bag I want to pack. It had my power cord for my laptop that needs to be repaired. On it was a dead mouse! ICK!!!! Freaked me out. I got a glove and a tissue and ewwwww got the poor thing off and in the trash. Guess that was the bad smell in my room a couple months ago. I lysol’d the shit out of the bag. Now I got to make sure it doesn’t smell and then I will pack my things in it. There was nothing else dead or alive in it. Just my fuzzy slippers and a bottle of water.

I made cornbread pancakes. They were really good. I made like 7 of them. Well, really like 5 as two fell apart. I am not a good pancake flipper. I also burned two. Not sure I will make them again. They were so filling. I probably am going to have dinner late. I plan on making the pulled pork. That seems good on a nice hot day. I’ll throw a can of soda in the fridge.

Came back to my room and wanted to read Neverwhere. I read a chapter and then had to stop. I want to read at least another two more. I have to do it in shifts because the book is weird. Typical Gaiman. But it is not scary so I am grateful for that. I don’t do scary. Weird is okay.

My infrared thermometer came. I have been playing with it. Then I found out I wasn’t doing it right. Oh well. I had to turn the AC on high as it was getting warm in my room. It is so hot out that I want to be freezing. The house is worse as it doesn’t have AC at all. I need to shower but I think I will do it after dinner. My cousin is having a BBQ but didn’t tell me about it so I won’t be going. My mother is not because she is in too much pain with her knees. I told her I was going to make the pulled pork. It is too sweet for her. It tends to be too much for me. I can make about three sandwiches out of it. I don’t mind having it for a couple of days. It is so good. I also have baby back ribs but it is too hot for the oven. If I knew how to operate the grill, I would grill them. Maybe my sister or brother in law will show me this year how to operate it.

My mother bought Italian ice. It was so good on this hot day. I told her to avoid the back stairs leading outside because my idiot brother in law has the mulch piled higher than the grass so it is like an additional step after the last step. I nearly fell. I sent my brother in law a text about it.

I participated in the BPD chat. I said a couple of things but it wasn’t that interesting today. I had a hard time identifying with the others. Topic was self-identity. I found it interesting as I did struggle through my teens and early twenties about who I was. I think getting a debilitating nerve condition helped sort things out or put things in perspective. It took a while to realize who I was and how to live my life as that person. Then when I came out as transgender, I realized all along I was a male but I just didn’t have the words for it. And it was a chief source of my suicidality and I didn’t realize it. It took me a long time to move forward with transition. Unfortunately, it is going no where because I have decided to end things.

It is getting late and I just realized I didn’t do my meds for the week. I also want to get a few more chapters of Neverwhere in before meds make me dopey. Later all.