Tag: chronic illness

I don’t know what to say

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I don’t know what to say

Been a hard few days for me with pain and depression. I had therapy Wednesday and it was a disaster. I became suicidal after we went over some negative thoughts and then we both became frustrated. I told her I didn’t want to be in the hosp. She wanted me to join a group of some sort. I called the chronic pain support and they have a long waiting list so I won’t be able to go to that for a while. I got the impression she doesn’t know how to support me when I am suicidal. Yesterday I wrote her a message telling her about the suicide response plan and safety planning by Brown and Stanley. I don’t care which one we use but I think it is important to use one of them. I told her I prefer the suicide response plan because it is what Jobes uses for CAMS. I told her what CAMS was and how I find benefit from it but there are no CAMS trained therapists in Boston.

I got really upset and thought she didn’t want to work with me anymore because she said that she was tired of this cycle we get in when I get suicidal. She wants me to check the facts about this. I was sure she didn’t want to work with me anymore because I was too suicidal. I still feel like I might need another therapist but I know finding one now is going to be impossible because of the pandemic and because of my history.

Last night I had a runny nose and was sneezing my head off. I felt lousy. I still feel like I am coming down with a cold so I am trying to limit my exposure to my mother in case I am sick. I need to shower and shave my head. I got my haircut Wed. I didn’t have it all nice when I was talking to my therapist though. I had rinse out the hairs and it was messy. I didn’t care. I haven’t showered all week. I am trying to get enough energy to do it. I just feel so tired and don’t want to do anything. I really need to go to the grocery store to get more Gatorade. I have just six bottles right now. That is not going to be enough for the month, or even a week.

Yesterday I had PT and my deltoid is sore today. It feels bruised but there is no bruise mark on it. She did a lot of work on my arms yesterday. I got more stretches for my neck. I am glad because my neck has been such a pain. I need to put heat on it. Only thing is my family keeps moving my heat wrap on me so when I am in the kitchen, it isn’t there for me to throw in the microwave. It is the only way I can put heat on. PT also gave me some tennis balls for my back and hamstring. I have to rig something to have it between my shoulder blades. She said that I can use scotch tape but I think the balls will be too heavy for it. Will try it and see. Otherwise I will have to think of something else. Maybe a sock or something.

I got a letter from my pcp yesterday. He is leaving to go to the CDC. His last day is April 1st. This really sucks because I really liked him. He was a good doctor. I am going to miss him. I see him Monday for a follow up. It will be our last. Really sucks.

Saturday Blog 27022021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 27022021

I had breakfast and now I am thinking of doing something for lunch. I don’t know what I want. I should make a bacon sandwich. I bought some turkey bacon that needs to be used up. I just don’t know if I am up to cooking as my legs hurt today. It is snowing so I don’t plan on going out. It’s turned to rain now but still raw so hasn’t changed my decision to leave the house. I ordered Chipotle for lunch and man it was so salty. I couldn’t eat it all.

I am so tired. I want to sleep. I might get a nap after I finish this blog. It will be my reward for writing one. I’m trying to get back to daily writing but all I can do is take one day at a time. I think I am going to have to push myself to write something every day even if I don’t get to 500 words, which is my minimum goal that I have.

I asked my friends on Facebook if they would read my blog if I posted it and so far a few said they would. Just trying to have some accountability with keeping this blog going. Been nine years almost that I have had this blog. That is a long time.

I have been having pain down my leg the past few days. It flares up my ankle. I think the CRPS is spreading to my high ankle area as I have been having a lot of pain there lately. It also has been swollen. My left hamstring has been such a bother lately and really painful. No amount of stretches help it. I also got fricken cramps and this really bothers me as I don’t know if it is uterine or bladder.

I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help my dry hair. I hope to take a shower tomorrow so I can wash my hair with it. I love the smell of it. My nephew bought it and I just refilled it basically. Anything that makes a shower more appealing I am for. It is so hard for me to shower lately because of pain. I wanted to shave my beard off tonight but it didn’t happen. I want to be clean shaven for a little while. I just can’t bring myself to do it though because I have been in a lot of pain.

I have been in a depressed mood and been thinking of some medication that will sedate me. I am just afraid that if I take it, my therapist will hospitalize me. I am no longer on this medication and I have it just to kill myself with it. I have been planning on ending it with this medication for some time but I just can’t seem to go through with it. I am too afraid that it will fail or I will be found before I die. The medication might help with sleep as I have been having so much trouble staying asleep lately but I keep waking up with pain so I don’t know if it will work. So many variables.

pain, pain, and more pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain, pain, and more pain

I have been severely depressed and in a lot of pain with my shoulder and neck the past few days. Yesterday I went to PT for some more dry needling. She checked my progress and I have improved a lot since first going to her but the pain and sleep have not gotten any better.

A psychiatrist I follow on Twitter told me about some Taylor Swift journals so I had to have them. I just got them today and they are purdy. I can’t wait to write in them. I am still writing in a Harry Potter journal. I haven’t been writing lately. Been so hard for me to write down my thoughts lately. I know it has been a while since I last blogged. I have been really struggling with the depression. Pain has been making the depression worse so it cycles. My therapist thinks that I am in my head too much. I don’t know what that means. I got to ask her when I see her Mon. We are going to do the CBT pain workbook together. I hope that this book will help me.

I emailed my neurosurgeon asking him if my weight restriction could be increased to 15 lbs. Right now I am not supposed to lift more than 5 lbs. He gave me the okay as long as I didn’t get a headache from doing so. I feel like I have made some progress. I still am deconditioned as I brought my groceries up the stairs by myself and got really winded. It took me like six trips because there was six bags. I only bought ten Gatorade. It wasn’t the flavor I wanted but that is ok. I will go to the grocery store tomorrow and get the flavor I like. It is supposed to snow tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes. There is supposed to be some good weather next week so hopefully I can go then if this weekend’s weather is shitty.

I am in so much pain in so many body parts it isn’t funny. Mostly the pain is on my left side. I want to cry. But the tears aren’t coming. It has been so hard to cry lately. I feel like I should, I probably would feel better but I just can’t seem to let myself. I feel like watching old baseball games or Sox highlights of the 2004 and 2007 games so I can cry. It will be the same release, except instead of sad tears they will be happy tears. I am such a wimp. I watched the 2007 series DVD and cried throughout it. I swear I went through a box of tissues.

I just tweeted to the psychiatrist that I got the new journals so now we are having a conversation about how to get another lyric printed. This is so fun. Another therapist friend had a predictive text for therapist and this is what mine said “my therapist told me I am not going to be in a relationship because of my favorite country artist”. HA HA. I love it. I can’t wait to show her on Monday.

Journal entry 15022021 1603

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Journal entry 15022021 1603

Having a rough day. Pain in shoulders and neck is making me suicidal. I want to text my therapist but I know she won’t respond. Fucking bugs me.

My left leg has been hurting me since last night. Hammy is killing me and I am having pain in my ankle. I’ve noticed I will get hamstring pain with this ankle pain. I’m so sick of being in pain every day I am in pain. Very depressing. I sent psychiatrist another message about increasing the citalopram. Hope he does. I should be at 60 mg right now but I am at half that dose. This doc doesn’t believe in celexa like I do. Really bothers me.

I half cleared off my bed. I just need to clear my “office” stuff. I should be done tomorrow. I will put the foam topper on in the AM before I leave for PT. That will give it a couple of hours to settle. Ideally, it needs twenty-four hours but I’, going to give it 12 or so.

Tomorrow is supposed to rain and be icy. I got to be careful while I’m out. I don’t want to slip and get another concussion. Taylor Swift is coming out with a new old album called Fearless (Taylor’s version). Not sure if she is going to do all of her albums. The new version is to have 26 songs, 10 not released before. I can’t wait.

I’m so depressed. SO sick of being in pain. Therapist is going to buy managing chronic pain so we can do the exercises together. I told her CRPS is a brain disorder as well as a neuro one so now she thinks it’s important to do the skills and shit. I am so tired. Pain kept me up again last night. Left shoulder kept hurting and then my right arm would fall asleep. I really couldn’t get comfy last night. I did take BT meds and Zanaflex. It’s all that I could do.

I really hope I can go to PT tomorrow. I really want some more of the dry needling so I hurt less. It all depends on how icy it is. I hope I don’t have to change it to a virtual appointment because that will suck. I really need a massage to feel better.

I am in the fence about taking a nap before going to bed. I am just so tired because I took some Zanaflex and it is making me drowsy. I am in a fuck it mood so just been taking whatever to try and ease this pain in my neck and leg. There is supposed to be a storm tonight/tomorrow so I know that is why I am hurting. I fucking hate storms. They always make my pain worse.