Tag: chronic pain

Painsomnia and Midnight Demon Friday 22 June 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, psychache, suicidality, suicide

I had started a blog on my laptop to publish yesterday but my brain kept getting foggy and couldn’t focus. I knew if I forced myself to write, it would come out crappy.

Now it is after 2 am. I can’t sleep. Midnight Demon is out. Has been since 10 but had no writing urges. I’m just writing now because I felt like it. I feel suicidal. Been planning for months and now it is almost time. I’m wondering where the weeks went. I haven’t done much other than look over my will. My pension is still wherever it is with my employer. I have emailed my psych that my death is inevitable. I asked her to let me go.

Pain has been decreased by 50% since my new longer acting pain med was started last week. But it does nothing for flares. I am not in a flare. Just pain that is left over from the meds. It doesn’t take all the pain away. Nothing will do that. But this pain is what is keeping me up. That and the thoughts of ending my life. It is like a monkey on my back. It goes away for a while and then comes back full force.

It is a familiar feeling. A part of me knows it will pass. Another parts truly believes this will be the end. I am tired of fighting this. I had made my decision 3 months ago. Now the 3 months is almost up. I extended the date due to circumstances beyond my control. Next week I will check out the location. I hope it will be suitable. I am still afraid I won’t go through with it. My psych might intervene. I don’t know if I will end up back in the hospital. I told her it was useless.

My hope level has been fluctuating a lot. My friend reminded me I’ve been in rough patches before and got through them. I didn’t tell her this was it. I feel so stupid. One of the suicidologists I know that is the president of AAS did a study on the effects of a suicide. In the study she found that >132 people are affected. If that holds true, I will have ~400 or more. And that just includes my online/high school/ co workers friends. Doesn’t include my humungous family.

I feel guilty about this. Today she posted saying that it was a reminder to suicidal persons as they often feel no one care or that no one will miss them. Makes me mad. I don’t want to cause pain to others yet why should I go on in torment of my CRPS and depression? I feel it is a guilt trip. A huge one at that. I stuff those feelings when I am deeply suicidal. Then when it lowers or I look at the people I love, I wonder how could I do this to them? I am in agony over this. It is truly hurting me. Call it ambilvalence. Call it selfishness (please don’t as that is NOT what it is but i don’t know another word). I just am so conflicted as to what to do. I can’t stuff them. I want to die. I need to die. My time is coming. Question is, to be or not to be.

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

I woke up around 0330 in pain. Took me a while to get back to sleep. I think it was around 5 when I did. I woke up next because of my med alarm. I took them and then my bladder had to go. I went downstairs and it was already muggy. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like showering. I know I need one but I am just being lazy at this point. I went back up to my room and fell back to sleep. I set my alarm for noon so I wouldn’t sleep late. That was for waste as my dumbass cousin kept calling me. He must have called like four times. I let it go to voicemail. I stayed in bed until it was 1230 and then got dressed.

I went downstairs and put my shoes on when I realized I forgot my insulated cup. Oh well. I didn’t feel like going back upstairs for it. I grabbed by bag and then went out. My cousin was pulling up and my mother was getting out of the car. I started yelling at him for calling so many times. He said my mother had bags and I needed to help my mother out. What was wrong with him?? He has no problems with his legs. He is just a lazy fuck that refuses to go up one friggen flight of stairs. I walked away after he said that I should help my mother and he asked where I was going. Fuck you. I put Taylor Swift on my headphones and went to the bus stop. Bus came because I got the bus driver that likes gas. She drives fast and you better sit or brace yourself once you get on the bus or you’ll go flying.

I ordered my Starbucks. I wanted a cheese Danish but the store was out of them. I had a coffee cake instead. After I ate, I wrote in my journal for a bit, but was not too focused. My thoughts were all over the place, making it hard to write them down. I used the restroom and then left for my therapy appt.

I got there and he was running late. I had so much to talk about. I told him about my cousin and what he said. Then started talking about how my father has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s been more than two years since his death yet I can practically remember every detail of the day he died and it plays at least unexpected times. I told him how I felt about not being able to do enough for him, but knew also, there was not much I could do to save a dying man. Even if I altered the DNR to get him fluids or other care, it wouldn’t benefit him. It might actually cause him more pain. We talked about how I felt about him and the abuse he did to me on so many levels. I nearly broke down at least three times but didn’t. I somehow kept the tears back. I don’t know how to process this. It sucks big time. He let me talk. He didn’t say too much. Told him how my uncle died, my father’s brother. I didn’t find out the truth about how he died until a few years ago, before my father died. I forgot who told me. It made sense to me though I didn’t say anything more about it to anyone. I was five when he died and really don’t remember him that well.

My therapist had to change our time for next week. So I have a double header next week. PT in the morning, therapy in the afternoon. Fun! I should be a fucking wreck physically. My mother called after therapy. I had just missed her call by a few minutes as my phone ringer was off. I called her back and she asked when I was going home. I told her I was on my way but it could be an hour or so depending on the bus. She said when I got home to tell my niece to come upstairs. I said okay.

The bus was late and I think something was wrong with the back doors as the driver had to get out of the bus to fix it or do something to it. I was hoping things went okay as we were a few stops away from where I was to get off. It would be a LONG walk if the bus was broken down. But whatever he did fixed the problem and I got off at my stop. I went to Walgreens to get some protein bars but the price went up. It was 2 for $3. Now it was 2 for $4. I didn’t have the other dollar and I wasn’t going to pay $2.49 for one. My friend told me I can sometimes get coupons for these things so I will check out the website she recommended.

I had dinner and then went up to my room to change. I was so tired. I was hungry again but thirsty too so I drank some powerade. I wanted to make some fried eggs and toast. That has been my kick the past few weeks. I took a shower instead. BAD MOVE. My back protested violently. I am still hurting. I had to shave my underarms so the extra standing just annoyed my back. My trimmer ran out of juice and had to be charged so it was the old fashioned way of razor and shaving cream. It took longer but was worth it. I then washed off in the shower until my back had enough. I think it was the fastest shower I ever took. Getting into my PJs was hard. My feet did not want to go through the pant legs. I was getting so annoyed. My back was ready to kill me. My legs are also hurting. My left thigh is beyond sore. I have one appointment tomorrow in the afternoon to see my PCP and then 4 days off of doing NOTHING. Least I hope so. My legs are going to need to rest.

pissed kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pissed kind of day

I woke up around 0500 in pain. I took my breakthrough pain because it was too early for my regular one. I stayed up for a little bit and then went back to sleep for about an hour and half when my mother woke me up to put on her compression socks. I was not happy. I put them on and then decided to go back to sleep. I set the alarm so I could make breakfast before leaving for PT. I wanted to make pancakes. Alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. The alarm kept announcing the time. I was lying on my right side and didn’t want to roll over to shut it up. Eventually I did because it was annoying me. I laid on my back and after a bit changed to my right side so it wouldn’t hurt. My ankle was being a brat.

I went downstairs and saw that the bag that I had left on the table by the other set of stairs was gone and there was mail there. I asked my mother where she put the bag. I must have said it three times and she didn’t understand what I was saying so I starting yelling. She yelled back when she heard what I was saying. I got the bag and did all I could from slamming the door to the porch where she put it. I then got an umbrella because my back was telling me it was going to rain.

I went to the kitchen and made breakfast and coffee as I needed it very badly. I just hoped it wouldn’t make me sleepy. The egg looked really good so I took a pic and posted it. I usually don’t post my breakfast, just other stuff that I make like desserts or a kind of meal that I got a recipe for. I ate it while my coffee was brewing. I tried the new creamer. The fucking protective foil wouldn’t come off. I was getting so annoyed. Finally it gave way and I didn’t spill the container in the process. It wasn’t as sweet as the other creamer I used but it was okay. It did its job.

I grabbed the lid for the mug and then went upstairs to get dressed. My bitchy mother wanted me to mail something and go to the bank for her. Okay. I left and as I was walking to the bus stop, my lower back on the left side acted up. I had to take a break a few times to settle it down. I stopped where there was shade to put the Bluetooth on my phone and listen to my headphones. Then continued to the bus stop. The bus came and I rode to PT.

I had emailed my PT about how the home exercises were going. She said we’ll change things up a bit. She gave me three new exercises. The posture exercise was out and the knees bent clamshell was, too. She went over some weighted exercises to do with my upper arms and back to help my core. We had time after it so she decided to massage my hip muscle. We were talking and I asked her if my current problem was due to the nerve injury, cauda equina syndrome. She said it was most likely due to over compensating for the weakness after rehabbing because I walk fairly well for someone with having CES twice. She said she is very surprised I am able to walk as much as I do given my conditions. I said thanks. A few people in my CRPS support group have also said so. I guess between the high pain tolerance and not being able to sit still, I push myself to do things. I did that for three years before I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew once I was in the AFO at work I couldn’t work two jobs anymore. Even managing one job was hard. I guess if I could have cut my hours to maybe four a day it would have kept me working but I couldn’t financially do that. My health insurance would have been ridiculous and my mother would have had a fit for not providing enough for the mortgage.

I was feeling tired after PT. The bus was always a guessing game because I had no idea what time which bus was going to come. And there were no benches to sit so I had to stand while waiting. I think I waited 15-20 minutes for a bus to a station. When I got there, the bus was there for the one home. It kind of freaked me out because there was a carriage on blocking the passage on the bus and then people would stand by the entrance blocking anyone that came on. I just freak out when that happens. I don’t know why it gives me so much anxiety but it does.

I got home and then went to the bank before going home. I have done this for my mother a million times. The customer service person asked if I was my mother and I said no. She then went to the back to ask someone a question. She came back and said they would do this this time but next time my mother needs to do it. I asked why as I have done this before without a problem and she said it was because of the withdrawal. I said there was no money exchanged, the money was being transferred from one account to another. She said that was the policy and I got mad because my mother had done this before without problems. I guess it just comes down to who does the transaction.

I walked home and my ankle started acting up. I walked in and I heard my mother talking. Then I heard my aunt and I wish I wasn’t home. I didn’t want anything to do with my lunatic aunt. But my cousin was over with her 4 month old daughter so it wasn’t too bad, until I asked my aunt a question and she gave me the entire history of how my mother entered the country as she was in Italy at the time. UGH. She can never answer a question with a short fricken answer. The baby was even getting fussy. When she finished, I asked my mother what she was doing for supper. She said hot dogs and potatoes. I was like okay. I was hungry but could wait.

I went up to my room to cool down and rest my ankle. It was really angry. I took a breakthrough pill. I was playing on my phone when hunger got the better of me. My sister texted me to check on my niece so I went downstairs. My niece was okay. Then my hip started hurting me where the PT had massaged me. I emailed her to see what to do about it. I made dinner for my mother and I. It was hard getting around the kitchen with my hip hurting.

After dinner I went back up to my room and I swear I feel so exhausted. Like all the energy has been sapped out of me. I don’t think I will be listening to the Sox tonight. My leg is hurting so bad and I feel so depressed about it. I need to go out tomorrow to see my therapist. I hope this pain settles down. I might not do the home exercises tomorrow if my leg is hurting me. I hope a good night’s sleep settles this thing down. I am going to take my night meds early and call it a night.

hot and annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hot and annoyed

Temps were close to 90 today. I was annoyed most of the day. I called my mother to ask her if she needed anything while I was out. She said just look at the price of the eggs. Okay. I go downstairs and she wants me to go to the bank. If she said so when I called her, I would be able to go. Now it was too close to the bus schedule and it isn’t going to happen. I asked when the bank closes and she said 4. Sorry no can do. I won’t be home till after 4.

I went to Starbucks and had a sandwich and espresso. I had five shots as I didn’t sleep well last night due to pain. Not really physical pain, but nerve pain, which is a different beast. I wrote while at Starbucks. Then I left for therapy. The train car I was on did not have air on. It was stuffy for the few stops I went. I reported it when I got off the train. I got to my therapy appt a half hour early. I just played with my phone until my therapist called me in.

I told him I would like to try twice a week. He said we can do it this week but then the next time won’t be until middle of July. He is going away after the fourth and won’t return until the third week, I think. I am okay with that. Hopefully but then my meds will be adjusted and PT will helped somewhat so I can make twice a week. We then talked about random stuff.

I left and walked to the station. Temp was higher but the humidity wasn’t bad as I thought it was. The train was delayed and I missed my connecting bus home. I had to go to another bus stop. I was careful on the walk home, avoiding that stupid ramp in the sidewalk that caused my ankle to flare Friday. By the time I walked in the door, I was sweating. The house was hotter than outside. I was kind of grumpy as I was hungry. My mother said what she was making and I told her I wasn’t hungry. She asked what did I say so I yelled I wasn’t hungry. Then she yelled back saying she wasn’t making it now (even though it was after 4PM, her dinner time). I got so annoyed. I just went upstairs and turned on the AC to cool down. My T-shirt was soaked. I used a towel to dry off. I didn’t feel like a shower as my ankle was acting up slightly.

I got a package and it was from China. I thought it was the ice genie I bought. It wasn’t. It was the Pride bracelet. I thought it was cool. I tried opening the clasp and it wouldn’t open. My mother tried and we used different things but it wouldn’t budge. I have no idea how to open it. I took some pics and sent it to a crafty friend. I also emailed the place I bought it from to see what the trick was. Hope my $25 didn’t go to waste or I want a refund.

I checked what the new schedule would be for the bus I take to PT. I will either be 45 minutes early or 10 minutes or more late. Great. I am looking into Uber. I don’t know how I am going to swing it as I don’t have extra cash during this month because of my bill pay mistake. I owe my mother money that she let me borrow to fix my account. I am still pissed. I never called them to argue because I hate conflict.

I took my night meds without problems. Weird because the past few nights I have had trouble swallowing them. I switched Powerades so maybe that was why. Fricken thunderstorm has taken my back out. Lovely. I can’t take my pain meds for another hour. I hate this shit. I really do. Hope I don’t have pain like I did last night. Sox are off so I hope to be asleep before midnight. Not sure what I will be doing after I finish this blog. Maybe read the new book I started yesterday. Or maybe try and read some Neverwhere. Neil Gaiman has another book out called how to talk to girl at parties. I thought it was a play or something and it is a book. I never know with him. I might get it, if it isn’t a graphic novel.