Tag: coffee

struggling with stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Struggling with loss

Yesterday, I was really sick. I woke up with terrible stomach pains and reflux with heartburn. It was awful. I didn’t eat anything, I had started to eat a protein bar but it was making my stomach pains worse. I have no idea what caused the gastritis. I was also very nauseous and got a migraine on top of it all. I slept most of the day but it was hard because acid kept coming up. I had decided to drink some pepsi but I guess I drank too much at once because when I burped, acid came with it and it was quite nasty. I wanted so much to brush my teeth but was fearful I might throw up so I didn’t. I had such a bad taste in my mouth. I had take the oral dissolving Zofran but it didn’t work as well as the pill did. I finally felt a little better around 6pm or so. I still had stomach pain but it was much less and didn’t have so much acid coming up. I think the constipation combined with me improperly taking the fiber pills the night before might have caused this. I don’t think I drank enough fluid when I took the pills and then didn’t sit up for at least 30 minutes after taking them. I took them and then laid down to sleep.

I had wanted to read Harry Potter to finish the book. Well, when I felt better, I finally “woke” up and stayed up till around 0630 am. I took my morning meds and then tried to go to sleep. I slept for about 3 hours when I heard my sister yelling. I have no idea what the fuck she was doing or saying but it woke me up. I had to pee so went downstairs. My mother was in the bathroom and I have no idea what she was doing as she was looking for something. I got her out of the way so I could pee. I then brushed my teeth after using some mouthwash to disinfect my mouth. I might use it again as my mouth still feels yucky. I had coffee and some pop tarts. Then I had an orange as I wanted some fruit. Big mistake. My stomach ache came back and I had heartburn. I was also really thirsty so I drank a lot of water. I had set my alarm to take some Miralax. I wanted to go back to sleep as I felt dizzy and hungover from lack of sleep but took the stuff as I am so backed up. I have no idea when I went last but I do know that when I did, my stools were hard as a rock. I am disappointed the fiber pills didn’t work. The next time I take them, I will take half of what I took the other night.

I decided to shave last night. It is going to be hard to grow a beard because I don’t really like the fuzz on my face. Maybe it is the fuzz and not the hair because I do like my goatee and it is coming in much better than it did before. Under my chin, there is a nice growth. I am pleased with this. My psych never responded with the emails I sent her. I kept thinking about her all day yesterday. Today is her last day and I am worried I won’t be able to email her anymore. It will kill me to email her and then get a “address doesn’t exist anymore” response. Then I will have to call her and I don’t feel comfortable doing so because it isn’t so urgent I talk with her. I was talking with one of my friends who happened to be up around 2 in the morning. She was pissing me off more than she was helping. She wanted me to call her but I was like why? It isn’t urgent and I am not in crisis. Then she texted back, I am glad. Fuck, seriously?? Just because I missed my psych doesn’t mean I should call her every time I do. I was so annoyed. Then she said a few of her alters were guarding her (she has DID) and she hasn’t cried but this alter has. I then asked who I was speaking to. She said it was her but I was confused because her name begins with an S and was similar to the alter’s name, which also began with S. Sometimes I do talk with an alter and I don’t realize it until she said something she doesn’t usually say. Right before I was saying goodnight, she was telling me her bad alter was trying to come out. This alter wants to kill her. I had to stop the conversation because I didn’t want to deal. I was worried about her but she said she would be okay. I hope she is.

I played games and read some of Harry throughout the night. I might be able to finish the book tonight. Depends if I can keep my eyes open. I still need to do my med boxes for the week. I think I will do it when I am finished writing this blog. I am so damn tired. My foot is what kept me up most of the night. Felt like someone was crushing it so bad. Nothing was helping me until I realized I never took my pain meds. D’oh! I had taken Neurontin but I didn’t include the pain med with it. I also took an Ativan so my brain would try and stop thinking of my psych. I was so damn anxious I wouldn’t be able to communicate with her via email anymore. It is the only way I can communicate with her on stuff. I find it helps to write to her when I am upset. I don’t want to always call her when I need her. Most of the time it is after 8pm and I don’t think she will like me calling her that late all the time. I have no idea if her pager will still work. She said so during our last appointment. I miss her so damn much and it has only been a week. I haven’t gotten the Lamictal level back yet. It probably will be tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. I don’t have any contacts in the lab anymore as most of the people have either left or retired. The number has changed and I don’t have it. Fricken sucks I am out of the lab and no longer have any access to it other than physically going there. I might be able to call the esoteric person who is in charge of sendout testing but I don’t know if I have his number or if he retired as well. Fricken suck. I miss the lab so much. I am kind of concerned that one of my urine tests came back negative but the culture came back positive for bacteria. There was a moderate amount of it so I don’t understand why my doc sent me a letter saying the infection was all cleared up. Weird.

I have a lot of appointments this week that I am not looking forward to. Tomorrow is PT, Tuesday is my TG doc, and Wed is my eye doc. The TG I am looking forward to but not the commute, on all of these. It is going to be hot and I hate walking in hot, muggy weather. I know the TG doc is going to want to do blood work and I am not looking forward to that as the phlebotomist had a hard time getting me when I went for the Lamictal level. Took two people to find a vein. Just sucks trying to get my blood because I am such a hard stick. Plus, my veins tend to run when they see the needle, LOL. I really want a turkey sandwich. I need to go to the grocery store. I stupidly deleted my iced coffee instead of the cold brew I ordered. I was so made at myself. My sister bought turkey bacon so I will make that. Not the same as turkey breast but least it is something.

Problems fixed, sort of

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Problems fixed, sort of

Yesterday I got a notification, again, saying that my bank was invalid to receive royalties from my books. I haven’t been paid since Feb. I have been in contact with Amazon about it. I was to receive a response May 19th, but didn’t hear anything. I emailed them again a day or two when I was home from the hospital. They still didn’t have an answer for me. I had re-entered my information and it still was “invalid”. Today I finally got a response that whatever the issue was, it was now fixed. I should receive my royalties in the next pay cycle, which would be the end of June, I hope. I don’t think it will be much as I haven’t sold that many books. Maybe 1 book per month, though while I was in hospital, a few patients bought a copy of my memoir. I had 3 sales, which is the most I have had in a while. I won’t get royalties for these sales until next month (which won’t be more than $10).

My UTI is clearing up though the urinary pain pills I took are still making my urine orange. Because of this, I am unable to tell if my urine is clear or cloudy. It is dark, but think that is because I barely had anything to drink yesterday. I slept all day and wanted to today but forced myself to get some coffee and eat something. I had a pop tart. I am so off kilter today for some reason. I keep losing my train of thought and remembering how to spell words. I really have to think which sometimes is just blankness.

I had to move the stuff in front of my window because rain was coming. Then I decided to put my recycling in a bag and my back said fuck you. I still did it but now I am still hurting. I hope it goes away so I can shower. I had a box of trash bags but I can’t seem to remember where I put them. I am so frustrated. I needed to find my ethernet cable as my wifi is slow with the internet. I can’t stand waiting for a page to load. The ethernet is a little bit faster. I don’t have cable or FIOS (type of fiber cable). It is too expensive. I looked into cable and for every box you needed for TV, there was a price for it. The bill would be more than $200 and I can’t afford that. I might look into a different service provider. My nephew was telling me there was a company that just did internet services that was cheap and had high speeds for downloads/uploads. I am going to see about it.

I haven’t been eating much past few days. Yesterday I just had a bowl of cereal and then went back to sleep. Today I had coffee as I had a headache but it didn’t clear up the spaceyness I feel. I had a pop tart with the coffee but couldn’t finish the second one. I am hungry but I don’t know what to eat. Have a few options, either an egg and toast or Ramen noodles. I don’t think I have anything else that is appealing. I have the deep dish pizza from Red Baron but it has lost their appeal. Doesn’t help the last few times I have made it, I didn’t make it right or burned it. I got to go to the grocery store as I am running low on my Gatorades. I sort of got used to taking my meds with water but like to take it with something sweeter. I also need coffee as I got just one bottle left of the iced Starbucks. My K-cups have been used either by my sister or nephew. I am not happy about this as they don’t replace it. Hoping Saturday I will make a marinara sauce as I have been craving spaghetti. I might get the premade meatballs while I am there. Only trouble is they don’t reheat well. I will eat them cold though.

Tues I have an appointment with a therapist. I am kind of worried though. I had some questionnaires to fill out. In the appointment box, it says “triage.” I am not sure if this appointment is for an evaluation or not. I don’t want to be evaluated and told I need to wait to see someone else or if this is just because it is our first appointment or what. I am already nervous about this and now I am more nervous. I have waited nearly three months to see someone. I would fricken hate if this is just another “you need a different level of care so here is a referral number.” I will lose my shit if this happens. Then when I calm down, I will not go back to therapy. I will just see my psych and that will be all. I see my psych on Monday and will tell her this. I am tired of being turned away from nearly every therapist within a five mile radius of my house.

2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart

I saw my psych today and the first thing she said to me was “have a mustache.” I laughed. I had taken a selfie while at the bus stop and when it popped up on my timeline on FB, I really noticed it being darker than it was even a week ago. Sometimes it is the small things you don’t notice right away. I sort of have been in a gender incongruent/dysphoric mood today as I feel like my breasts are a thousand pounds each. Also feeling bloated doesn’t help. I am not sure why I am bloated as I haven’t eaten gassy foods today, unless it is leftover gas from the burrito I had last night. I am just uncomfortable with my body right now and I don’t like it. I loathe myself so much right now.

My appointment kind of went as planned, with the exception of the hospital being my choice. She is insisting on me going in the hospital next week when my sisters come home. I told her to please find out of the psych unit prescribes pain medication because if they don’t, there will be problems. I most certainly won’t be going in if I can’t have pain meds. I am to call her Tuesday so she can find out about beds as we sort of agreed on a Wed admission. I honestly don’t know if things will be better by then. I doubt it as I am getting closer and closer to an attempt. We didn’t discuss the means, thank god. But she is not letting this get worse as it already has been.

I have already packed a bag. I just need to see if I packed shorts because I don’t want to be hot as the temps have been climbing up. I also need to make sure I have extra underwear as I have been leaking a lot more than usual lately. The increase in the pain meds have caused more retention than I expected. I am still hoping it will level off but who knows when that will be. It has been a few weeks since I started the new dose so maybe a few weeks more as my body adjusts. Course this also goes with how many breakthrough meds I have been taking as that also causes retention. I honestly don’t get the signal to pee until I am practically ready to burst. This is due to the nerve damage caused by cauda equina syndrome. Even though it has been more than 10 years, I still have damage that is permanent.

After I left my psych’s office and was on the way to the train home, I got hit with the biggest heart ache. It hit me so hard, I could barely breathe. It has been bad like this the past three or four days now. I really don’t know what brings it on. But I guess that is the nature of psychache, just comes on when you least expect it. Then when I came home and got into my PJs, my damn ankle exploded in pain. Pain got worse as I have been typing this blog. I was getting hungry so just had a protein bar. I was going to have Nutella on a flour tortilla but doesn’t look like that will be happening. I hope I can sleep tonight. My psych was astounded when I told her I had 5 shots of espresso. I can handle it, though I probably should have had four. I don’t think it will keep me up as much as the pain will. I am already experiencing sensory overload as noises have been bothering me. My mother is playing her dice game in the kitchen. I swear I’d like to toss them in the trash one day. Fucking hate the noise!! Nothing worse than hard plastic hitting glass. And she seems to be playing it whenever she is in the kitchen now, with the blasted TV at full volume. I just want to die and I know the night is only going to get worse between my psychache and physical pain.

2019May06 Monday Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May06 Monday Blues

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep around 0330 and then woke up either every hour or every two. I finally gave up around noon, which by then I had pissed off two people. So ya, my day is going great and I feel frustrated and sad on top of my suicidal self. Now I just got two emails from my doctor’s office saying they approved and denied my medication request for renewal. I called the office and the new coordinator said she will have him get back to me.

Before I went to bed at 330, I emailed my psych saying that although I appreciate the close contact I have with her concerning my suicidality, I am okay and I don’t want to call her. She writes back that I “run the show!” Now sure what that is supposed to me. I don’t know if she is upset with me or not. I told her I will see her Friday and that I will call if something urgent comes up. I feel like an asshole and I don’t know why. I really am not okay and maybe she knows that but is going with it because I said so. I don’t know. I am still having suicidal thoughts that are overwhelming and the feelings that go with it are getting to be too much for me to handle. I am still contained, as the hospital would say.

I wanted to go out today but because I didn’t have a good sleep, I decided not to. I made coffee at home as I needed it. I just had one cup. My face is still feeling smooth so I didn’t shave. I just washed my face and brushed my teeth. I forgot to do it yesterday. Sometimes I can remember and sometimes I just don’t feel like it. It is hard doing ADLs some days.

It’s a nice day. While I was in the kitchen, I opened the back door to let some air in the house. I want to open my bedroom window but it will take some doing as I probably will cause an avalanche. I have no idea how I accumulated shit there. It was cleared off when my brother in law took out the window sometime in October. I am going to try and clean out my hamper that is just a holding bin right now. I got a set of fleece sheets in there. I think I will wash them so I can put them on my bed when I clear off my bed to change them. I can’t go overboard today because I have PT tomorrow. If I do too much today, I am going to have a flare Wednesday and that won’t be good. I really don’t want to have another suicidal flare. I think it will send me off the edge.

I got such a heavy heart today and I don’t know why. It has been this way past four days now. It is a mix of anguish and despair. I feel hopeless that things will get better. I feel like I am going to feel this way forever. Part of me knows this isn’t true but it has been going on for months now and seems to just be getting worse. I am seriously thinking of going back on an antidepressant but every time I think about it, I think of the side effects and I just don’t want to deal. The one my psych wants to put me on has nausea as the most prominent side effect. Nearly everyone I know that has been on it has gotten sick the first week of starting it. I am not sure I can last a week of feeling nauseous all the time. I do have Zofran to help with it, if need be but I don’t want to be taking a med to counteract the other med. I did that with the other antipsychotic I was on. I don’t want to do it again. It is a trial and error. It could not have any effect on me.

Since getting up, I have been thinking of going in the hospital. I have been ambivalent about going in. I am weighing the pros and cons, which right now, it is mostly cons, starting with at least a 12 hour stay in the emergency room waiting for a bed. I most like will have to change into their clothes, which is like scrubs. The hard part is trying to leave the house without someone noticing I am leaving with my backpack and duffle bag. Probably the only way is to leave the house really early in the morning before my sisters leave for work. I just have to remember to grab my journal in my every day backpack. I feel like I should bring my power cords just in case I don’t go to the hospital I prefer.

Doesn’t look like I will be doing anything today as I need to take a nap. Maybe later in the evening I will when I can’t sleep. God I feel so horrible. Maybe some sleep will make me feel better.