Tag: complex regional pain syndrome
Depression sucks despite warm weather
Depression sucks despite warm weather
I slept pretty good last night, waking up only once to use the bathroom and thankfully going back to sleep without major problems. My med alarm woke me up and I took my meds. I didn’t want to get up but knew if I didn’t, I would take them late again. I slept another two hours before my mother yelling at her sister woke me up. I looked at the time and it was about time to shower. I didn’t want to leave my bed and thought fleetingly of canceling my appointment. I just was so down. I was also irritable as the fricken TV was going through my fucking head. I have no idea why I am so sensitive to sounds lately. Just puts me in a wicked bad mood once my head starts hurting.
I took a shower and thankfully didn’t throw up as the post nasal drip was horrible. I took some Flonase when I got up to my room. With the warm weather, my sinuses were causing my head to hurt. I looked at the pressure and it was almost one point lower. Lovely. By the time I got to my appointment, I had a migraine. I had brought a migraine med with me, as I didn’t know if the headache would turn into one. My psych is a child psychiatrist so while waiting for her, a kid was playing some toy and she might as well have been hammering my head with whatever she was playing with.
I brought my barber his dinner. He was so happy. I was glad. I had one portion that I made for myself. I am glad I brought it as I was hungry. I had my coffee and a pop tart but was still hungry. I ate the cornbread around the meat. I wish there was a place I could have heated it up but I wasn’t going to walk to the café of the hospital to do it. My feet would hate me. When I did get to the hospital, I was an hour early so just sat in a coffee place area and journaled. While there, a lady came up to me saying I looked “official.” I laughed in my head as she explained she needed directions. She needed to go to a different building and wanted me to take her there. I wasn’t going to take her there as I was in the building I needed to be in. She got frazzled and I just pointed her to where she needed to go. I hardly looked “official” as I was wearing my Sox uniform top and sweatpants. I told my psych and she laughed.
I told my psych about how my living situation is changing. Though we talked about the therapist situation first. I really don’t know what I am going to do about it. At this point, it is easier to go there, if I can, for therapy. The social worker got back to me today and said I could see her to talk as she tries to look for something else. I didn’t tell my psych how suicidal I have been, though I had been emailing so I think she does know. I next meet her on the date I had planned. I didn’t want to do it and I still might not show up. Depends how I feel that week. I am still ambivalent about it so go back and forth with wanting to and not wanting to. Maybe I will just toss a fucking coin and decide.
If you are reading this day of posting (15 Mar), if you could please keep the firefighters of my hometown in your prayer, mojo, vibes, etc. I would appreciate it. They are currently battling a 9 alarm fire. People in the area are being evacuated as the fumes are really bad. I hope all stay safe.
Am I a hopeless case?
Am I a hopeless case?
My med alarm woke me up. I reluctantly sat up to take them. I wanted to go back to sleep but my bladder said it had to go. It was really quiet in my house so I thought my mother was out. I went downstairs and peeked in the kitchen. My mother was there and the TV was on mute, hence why it was quiet. I did my business and brushed my teeth. I went upstairs wanting to go back to sleep but I needed to pick up my package at the FedEx office. I was debating on how to get there. Then I got a phone call that wrecked my day.
The phone call was the social service dept at the hospital where all my doctors are (except my neurologist who is at a different hospital). I could tell by her voice she wasn’t going to give me pleasant news. She was speaking slowly which was annoying. I let her say what she needed to. The whomever decided I needed “long term care” and they do not provide it. So she gave me some other places I could try. I got upset. One of the places she “recommended I try” was Psychology Today’s website and I told her the therapists there do what you are doing to me once they hear my history. She was taken aback by that. It is true, that is why I am stuck in therapist limbo because I have a history of suicide attempts AND could possibly be in crisis, which makes therapists uncomfortable. Rather than dealing with it, they just don’t see you or pass you on to someone else. So I got a few contacts, one was a social worker referral line. I am not going to call them. I sent a message to my PCP’s social worker to let her know I was upset they denied me services.
After the phone call, I just cried. I was so frustrated and angry and when I get like that, I just cry. I felt pretty hopeless. I feel like I am just this hopeless case no one wants to take on. I still have the other therapist I put on hold but I really don’t want to go back to see him when he really hasn’t helped me in the year I saw him. All I got from him was venting my frustrations on my medical care and other stresses, like my mother being an asshole. I wrote to my psychiatrist to let her know. She told me the hospital does not provide therapy (then why are they number 1 in psychiatry???) and we will talk about this more tomorrow. I didn’t respond to the email. I had started to cry again.
I feel utterly defeated, worse than I have ever felt about not having a therapist since 2016. I keep replaying the scenario in my mind when I asked my therapist if we should end, not expecting a yes but got a yes. I was shocked. Then I couldn’t get a hold of her as it was the holidays and I just thought when I spoke to her next things would be eased out and we go back the way it was before. Nope, she was going to terminate. In a month. With no appointments in between that January appointment and the February one. Since then I had to call like seven therapist before I landed the one I saw until my physical mobility was shot. I think I stopped seeing him in January. I wasn’t getting much from him anyways. More than a few times, he pissed me off so much I would cancel the next appointment. He never asked why, just did it and never talked about it. All my previous therapists always asked why I canceled and got the third degree when I did so. In a lot of ways he is different than all of the ones I saw before. But he was okay with me being suicidal. I could talk about it with him like I couldn’t with anyone else. But that is all it was, talking. No plans or structure or anything else to cope with how horrible I felt. So even though I had someone I could talk to, I often felt alone with what I talked about because there was a lack of care with the heaviness I spoke about. No idea if I am making sense. The last straw for me with him was when he told me to Google relaxation techniques after I told him my PTSD was keeping me from sleeping. He just said it was “anxiety” keeping me up. So now I will have Google as my therapist. No one else wants the job.
Migraine because bright days suck
Migraine because bright days suck
Lately, I have been really photosensitive. I don’t know if it is because of the pain or that my migraine activity has been ramped up due to the pressure and weather changes we have been having the past couple of weeks. I reluctantly got up, took my meds, and then had to make something to eat because I was starving. I must have sat in the bright kitchen maybe twenty minutes when my head started to hurt. Then the noise from the TV in the living room was like a hammer to my head. I couldn’t stand to look out of the windows in the French doors. I took some ibuprofen and then retreated to my room.
I want to make the chili cornbread my barber likes. I forgot to take out the frozen corn so need to let it thaw a bit. I can’t stand being in the brightly lit kitchen anyways. I took my migraine meds and I am hoping that settles down the brain squishing in my head. I don’t know what I am going to do when it goes away and I have to be in the kitchen. Maybe I will wait till the sun goes down to make it. My mother won’t eat it so it will only be for me. I won’t eat the whole thing (I never do, which is why I give it away). I will be making a little thing for myself so I don’t have to take a slice. It is better this way as the cornbread mix is kind of too much for the pan and overflows while baking it. Last time I held some aside in its own dish it was perfect.
Facebook seems to be down right now. I don’t know when it will be back up. I had a funny story with my mother I wanted to post. I probably will later. I try to post these conversations so they give me a laugh later.
Alan Alda posted a thing on Twitter about his podcast. At the end of each podcast, he asks seven questions. He wanted his followers to answer them and possibly be picked for his show. I was stumped on two of the questions. One was “what do you wish people understood about you” and the other was “what is the strangest question anyone has asked you”. I had to really think about it and the strangest question was how did I know I was male? The other was probably to have people realize that there are relapses in dealing with my mental illness. People seem to think that when you are down and then come back up, you are okay from now on and that really isn’t always the case. Like my suicidality may go away for a bit when my depression lessens or I am really looking forward to something important. Eventually though, it comes back and festers. I am sort of lucky I haven’t made an attempt in a long time but I plan a lot of ways I should die. I sometimes will be okay for a few days when my pain is less (if that was the trigger that caused it).
Thank god. My computer restarted for windows update before I saved this document. I would have been pissed if it was lost. I just finished with making the chili cornbread casserole. It was really good. Unfortunately, I had only half of what I made for myself because I had chips waiting for it to be done. Oven took more than hour to cook. I had the infrared gun show it was 350 degrees (supposed to be 380). About forty-five minutes later, the temp dropped to 260. My mother is being so fucking picky over the colors of the stove. We have a white top and black oven. No one sells this anymore. It is all one color so doesn’t want it. I am ready to just take her card and order one and just be like too bad, you waited too long! Fuck. Been at least three months since she knew we needed another one. I am so hesitant to use it anymore because I can’t spend all day waiting for things to bake or cook. My fricken foot and ankle right now is a 10. I have no idea if the foot will swell or not. It still is swollen from Monday night. Stupid pressure went up so I hope it levels off, but I doubt it. Temps are going up tomorrow so I am going to take it easy the rest of the night. I need to go to the FedEx place to pick up my package. I will go to the Starbucks there, too. Because I had to finagle the bagel, I didn’t put too much funds on my Starbucks card. I am not going there regularly anyways.
My barber is working tomorrow but doesn’t know when he will be in the shop as he has something to do in the morning. I will be taking his food Friday, which is just as well as I finally got an appointment with my psychiatrist. It is late afternoon, which I don’t like but will take it as I need to see her. It probably is better that way as I have been having the hardest time getting up before noon.
midnightdemons7 
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