Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Tuesday 29 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tuesday 29 Jan 19

I had a rotten night. I was in a lot of severe pain and my mood sucked really bad so the suicidal part of me came out. I was talking to a guy on Twitter that said I had to watch this spiritual video and then say Jesus to be helped. I find all the crackpots. If he reads this, sorry buddy, you aren’t my cup of tea! I didn’t have a response to anyone last night except my CRPS group but they were all the same like me, wanting to cut their limbs off. It was nice to be able to share these things without people getting all horrified. Like when you talk about suicide and they freak out. I really hate that and do anything to stop the conversation.

I woke up when my med alarm went off, which was about 4 hours after I fell asleep. I didn’t sleep laying down but kind of in a reclining position. I had a stiff neck because my neck was hanging instead of being supported. I then got rid of the pillow that was supporting my knees and just when I got all nice and comfy to go back to sleep, my bladder had to use the bathroom. Fucking asshole. I was pissed. My mother was up and was noisy as all hell. I was getting mad and didn’t go into the kitchen. I did my business and then went upstairs. I took some Neurontin, Ativan, and benedryl after sending an email to my psychiatrist about whether or not my PCP would be receptive to talking about pain management again. She never responded, which means she either didn’t have time to answer or didn’t want to answer. I ended up emailing the chickenshit because my bones were hurting me. I don’t remember the time I mailed him but it is now well after 4 pm so I doubt I will get a response. My high ankle bones are hurting really bad and the last time this happened, which happened to be last week, the pain traveled down to my lower ankle and foot bones. ALL OF THEM! I was delirious from lack of sleep so I just laughed. I honestly never experienced that before so I didn’t know what to do about it. Because he didn’t answer, I ended up taking a pain pill, which means I will be short tomorrow because I just am in so much pain with the weather being a dick. Tomorrow is going to snow and then turn to rain. Then the temps are going to plummet. So ya, pain storm ahead! I kind of am anticipating pain but what I am to do about it, I have no fucking clue! I am beyond pissed I have no help from the doctors. I have to rely on just so hokey pokey shit and hope it works. Most of the time though, I am just trying to distract. I will go on Facebook or Twitter or YouTube and just scroll through. I sometimes watch the videos because after someone posts one, there is a list of more after it. And they are usually more fun to watch then the one posted. I found a lot of baby ones one night. It was so cute! They were being so funny especially the twins.

I really want to make a cup of tea and have sugar cookies but not sure that will cause me pain. I got to take my night meds soon and I am really tired. I should be sleeping but I am fighting it. I just keep expecting bone pain because I keep having the high ankle bone hurting me. My foot is buzzing so that isn’t good either. So if I can sleep, I better get to it.

Ambling swears continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

am still around. Haven’t looked at saws on Amazon, yet. Foot is acting up and my mother is being noisy as hell. Fuck! Had a rough night sleeping. I am tired as fuck. Bowels are exploding. No idea why. Just took meds to sleep the day away. Don’t care because my alternative isn’t pretty. I am sick of being in pain 24/7. Just fucking shoot me now. I can’t go on like this and the weather is going to be painful as hell. So this is how my morning is going. Back in the gutter. Putting plan in motion when I wake up. So tired of insomnia, no pun intended. Ok enough rambling, for now

Happy Fucking Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Happy Fucking Monday (*** warning more swears throughout rest of blog***)

So I had shit sleep. I didn’t go to bed till after 330. I think I last looked at my phone to check the time and it said 349. What time I actually fell asleep, who knows. Needless to say that when my med alarm went off I wanted to chuck my phone against the wall. I just checked to see if I actually took my meds and I missed a Lamictal. Oh well. Least I took the majority of them. My alarm to get up went off and I grudgedly sat up and checked the messages on my phone. As I did so and hating the fact I had to leave the house in a bit to go to my therapy appointment I didn’t want to keep, my mother starts screaming my name at the top of her lungs. WTF does she want? A call came through on her line asking for me that was “computer related”. UGH I told her to have them call my cell. Both feet were killing me in the short few steps to the bedroom door to scream at her this message.

A few moments later in my bad mood, the idiot calls me. He had an Indian accent and said they were trying to get access to my computer as “they couldn’t get the signal” and they needed to send an important “security patch”. At this point I became sarcastic as fuck saying really? Are you calling from Dell? No, Microsoft. Oh Microsoft? Wow. That sounds really important. I said you are full of shit. He then says “no we are legit. I can send you our license number.” I said you can send to 800- I don’t fucking believe you! And hung up. Fucking dickwad. I was hurting so bad but had to get ready for this appointment I didn’t want to go to. I went downstairs for some coffee after deciding fuck the bus I’d take a cab as I wasn’t going to Uber. I wasn’t going to be driving all around town picking up other people before my destination for $4. I’d pay the $12 for a single way of getting to where I want to go.

When I got downstairs, I told my mother it was a scammer and the next time hang up. She gave the “I don’t know”. I told her I NEVER give her number out so they wouldn’t be calling you, they would call my cell. She doesn’t fucking think. UGH!!!! I had my coffee and a couple of cookies. Then I thought I better eat something more so I am not hungry later. I made a roast beef sandwich and I think I forgot to put back the stuff. I didn’t care. I then decided I better put on the fucking lace brace. My mother had redone it but I still had to take the top laces out to put it on. My mother blamed the swelling. Fuck. There is no swelling the thing is made to be fucking tight! I put the thing on and then had her help me lace it up as I couldn’t move to see where the holes were. Just as we are doing this, she get a call from her doctor’s office and the line is staticky so she goes to the kitchen line. Fucking fuck. I am still in my pajamas and the cab is going to be here in 20 minutes. I fucking did the best I could with the damn fucking thing and went up to my room to get dressed. I was going to wear jeans and a button down shirt but fuck it. I decided sweatpants and sweatshirt as it was cold out.
Went downstairs to put my shoes on with the other brace for my left foot. I chatted with my sister. My new pens came. They are so pretty! I love them. I don’t care much about the mechanical pencil but it was 50% off so who the fuck cares. That made my day somewhat.

I went to therapy and no fucking lie, the dipshit told me to Google relaxation techniques for my PTSD/”anxiety” for the trouble I am having going to sleep. I am afraid to lay down to go to sleep because I don’t want my foot to go berserk. What the fuck am I paying him for if I have to Google shit?? I was so fucking mad. I decided to walk to the train rather than take an Uber. A guy that smelled like piss and shit got on the bus ride home. It was a pleasant ride. But it wasn’t over. I still had to go to Walgreens for my dear mother. There was no prescription ready for her so I walked all over the store for nothing. My foot loved that. I went to the register and decided to get the stamps she wanted. The girl was knew and didn’t know how to price check. FUCKING FUCK. Her trainer had gone off to help another customer. So I waited. The trainer didn’t know about the stamps (price had gone up but still rung up as old price) so I paid the old price as they couldn’t figure the fucking thing out. My feet were ready to divorce me at this point. I was in so much fucking pain. The brace was tight and I needed to get it off.

Came home and went upstairs to my room to change. I was getting settled after wrestling the damn brace off my foot when my damn fucking bladder said it had to go. Fucking little bitch couldn’t tell me when I was downstairs. So I go and then ask my mother if a package came for me (the one that Amazon said they delivered but really didn’t). No package so I went back upstairs and my right foot is so bloody angry right now. I am ready to look on Amazon for chainsaws. My mother is making dinner and wanted my help and I said no because I can’t stand. I am hurting too much thanks to you waking me up and have me racing to the bedroom door for a fucking scammer! She is hurting but I don’t care. I went out and did shit, she has been home all day. So happy fucking Monday. Can’t wait for Friday’s double header with doctor appointments.

Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18

I’ve had an okay day today despite Amazon not delivering my package today. They say it is in a “secure location” but didn’t specify where that was. Then when I called they said it could still be out for delivery and to call back if I don’t receive it by 4 PM. OK. I usually don’t have a problem with Amazon but I think their own delivery service where people use their cars to deliver their products is shady. I just have found the delivers are whenever. I should have screenshotted when they were close to my house to prove they were in my vicinity. But I didn’t think because I’ve never had a problem before but whatever. I hope my package gets delivered tomorrow or they issue me a credit.

I’ve been feeling kind of blah since maybe 730pm. Just had the sinking feeling of depression where everything seems so bad yet nothing is really bad because nothing went on today. I didn’t have an argument with my mother. I really hate when these depression episodes happen because I don’t know what to do. And then if pain hits, I just become really suicidal, which reminds me I need to find that paper so that my family can pay for my funeral expenses. Dammit. I don’t really want to do this financial piece but I know funerals are expensive after what we went through with my father. Just don’t want them to be shorthanded. I guess I just feel hopeless since my psychiatrist sent me the email about wanting me in the hospital for the sleep/wake cycle bullshit, which means she didn’t read my blog about why I have insomnia. I just am done with doctors and just see them because my life will be worse if I don’t. I want to cancel my appointment with her this week but I have another doctor’s appointment that day so I will be killing two birds with one stone. I am not mad at her as I know she cares about me and just wants the best for me but going to the hospital where they may or may not give me my pain meds and worse, screw up the way I take my meds or miss my meds because they don’t have them, no thank you. I can do without that headache. And it isn’t like they treat you for anything. They spend 15-20 minutes with you and then it off until the next day. How can you call that treatment? It is more like an appointment or something. They screw up talking with you anyhow so why get fucking frustration when you already are. I told her I would only do so if I attempt. I didn’t tell her I was planning again. I don’t think I have told my therapist. He doesn’t really care anyways.

PTSD has been around lately. I just have been having a hard time laying down for fear of pain and I have no idea how to get over it. It isn’t until I literally can’t read my phone anymore that I finally lay down. But sometimes I have to kind of sit up and talk to the voices to finally get to sleep. These are the good voices not the bad ones. Right now my foot is acting up. I am not sure if it is nerve pain or something else. I just took some Neurontin before I take my pain meds because if it is nerve pain, it will go away. If it is not then I take pain meds. Temps I haven’t notice anything. Yesterday the barometric pressure was fucking crazy. I have no idea if it was today because I didn’t keep track of it. I wasn’t in horrible pain like I was yesterday. I really don’t like this buzzing feeling I am having now as it could explode so I am a little anxious about how I tonight is going to go. My back is killing me so I won’t be sitting up for that much longer. I am tired so hope the Neurontin does its job and then I can sleep.

I got therapy tomorrow. I wanted to cancel but I might cancel Wednesday because there is going to be snow and I am not running around town in snow while both fucking ankles aren’t stable. Not happening. I could Uber but they are pissing me off with picking people up as they go and then going all around town to my house rather than taking a shorter route. No thanks, I don’t need that aggravation. I wish I could afford a cab but those are more expensive than Ubers. I honestly don’t know if I am going to stay in therapy because I am not getting anything out of it. I tell him I get PTSD and he doesn’t give me ways to cope, on anything! Talking about what happened is not helping me! I am just getting annoyed and stuff. Then my mother today was like make cookies for my niece’s birthday party. When? I might be able to make them Wed if I don’t see my therapist but that is only if I don’t flare and it is supposed to snow that day so I most likely will be in pain! I just want to stay in bed or just go to Starbucks without an anxiety attack about a pain flare or that I need to get home because I feel safer there should something happen. I am just pathetic. I just don’t know why when I seek help, it fails me miserably. And if anyone says I am the problem, you are an asshole.

Psychache is happening. I kind of miss my former therapist, who by now should be called ex. She left me because she couldn’t deal with me anymore. Or whatever reason we ended, which I still am not sure of because she never told me. I just said end and she said yes. Guess that is the end of the story. But if I brought up the PTSD stuff she at least helped me cope with it rather than do nothing.