Tag: disability

Goofy Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Goofy therapist

Today’s therapy session was the goofiest I have had in a long time. I started off by calling her goofy and that was it. She was in hysterics for whatever reason. I told her about the dream I had last night where I could “fly” down stairs and while walking. In the same dream, I was getting away from someone as things had gone bad where I was, hence the reason for my flying. I went to a Starbucks that apparently I frequented so much that they wanted to name a drink after me. I woke up before I learned the name of the drink. I had just gone in there with the intention of getting a chili mocha, which I did have today. It was ok except they must have used non-fat milk which I don’t like. It tasted like a water mocha. Gross.

She was telling me how the sauce that I gave her was now gone and we were talking about food for a while in the midst of her trying to analyze this dream. I guess in the entry I wrote about how I was going to make ham and cheddar biscuits and she said that she needs to eat before we talk because I was making her hungry. Goofball, I am telling you. I didn’t tell her what I had for breakfast because I didn’t want her to drool anymore than she already was.

Also in the session with my therapist, once I was able to get her away from my dream analysis, she kind of understood now why my moods change so rapidly when I am in pain. I had started off with a day letter and then I wrote again around 11 pm (2305 to be precise). I wrote how bad the pain was and how much I wanted to end my life. We briefly talked about how much I wanted to end my life but she didn’t want me to, obviously. I kind of got upset at this, but I didn’t let on about it. There was no point because I would be talking to a wall. She gets why I want to kill myself and can see how my mood can change to radically, but she doesn’t want me to end my life over it. Typical. I wanted to tell her that I already had plans to but I just couldn’t. I really want to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts first.

After session, I returned my mother’s phone call. She always calls me during session. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then she gets mad at me because god forbid I should have someone on the other line. She wanted to know if I was going out and I did tell her I planned to. She has been asking me every single day when am I going to the Square because the Family Dollar Store has soap on sale. I went today and there was no such sale. I bought two packages but didn’t tell my mother I paid the regular price. It was only 0.75 cents more.

While at Starbucks, I got two mochas, my chili mocha and a regular iced mocha. I got two in case I didn’t like the chili one. I didn’t like it so I am glad I had the other one to drink. I typed up my story from the other night. I couldn’t believe it was 21 words short of being 850 words! I was really mad at myself because I kind of left off at a cliffhanger. I couldn’t believe I left off at such an ending. I had wanted to write more but it was nearly 330 in the fucking morning so I went to sleep. I didn’t know I left off with such a dramatic stopping of words. I hate writing at night for this reason because once I lose my train of thought, it’s hard to get back into it. I did that with the “Roots” story I wrote. I had started that at the wee hours of the morning, too. So while I was thinking, I texted my therapist and read Twitter. I didn’t turn on the WiFi at Starbucks because it would be too much of a distraction to me. I could put my phone down, but wouldn’t be able to get off the browsers on my laptop. Then I knew I would get lazy and wouldn’t write anymore. After I bitched about being short on words, I went back to my document and wrote about 100 words. Final word count was 961. It’s still not finished yet so I am sure it will be around 1200 or more by the time I done with it. Using the font Comic Sans, I was able to get 2 and half pages of work done. Not bad. It kind of goes along with my other stories in the book so I hope it flows well.

With these 3 pages or so, I think that will bring my page count up to maybe 118 pages. I really want the book to have 200 pages, at least. This doesn’t include any introduction or preface or any other miscellaneous writing. I haven’t sorted out what that will look like yet, or if I really want to have that. In the memoir that I read last week, it had a page that stated this was a book based on her memories and experiences. I might follow that logic in my writing as I didn’t really take these writings from anywhere but my experiences. It’s sort of like a second memoir book that is just stories about my psychotic experiences and delusional thinking. It seems every psychotic/delusional episode I have is different and wild. Sometimes I write about them in my blog when they are over with. Unfortunately, the current delusion hasn’t passed entirely yet.

While I was taking out my laptop to return to my room, I came across a manila envelope that has my father’s health care proxy paperwork in it. I don’t think I need to be carrying that around anymore. Now it’s in my “office” on my bed. I don’t know what to do with it.

I need to get up early tomorrow to see my Neurologist. I need to take a shower tonight because I doubt there will be time in the morning as I am not a morning person. I basically won’t be watching the Sox game tonight as it’s on late. Game is on the west coast. Tomorrow also marks the anniversary of when I published for the New York Times. I just hope I wake up early enough to make coffee because I won’t be going to the Square until maybe the afternoon, after my appointment.

writing itch and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I wrote half of what I wanted to write today. I am feeling the writing itch come back to me and it’s good to have it back. I got to take advantage of it while it lasts. I did some editing for the book that I writing, which was good for me. I have another five pages or work so I am up to 120 pages today. Got 80 more to go. I want to write something like an introduction or maybe a preface. I am not sure what that will look like yet.

A friend of mine that I met while I was in the hospital texted me last night. I wasn’t in the mood for talking because it was really late and I was ready for bed. I texted her back this afternoon when I woke up. I just finished talking to her. I like talking with her as she understands what things are like. It’s rare to have a friendship like that. She wants to get together for lunch but I am not really up for it because she lives in the boonies of Mass. It will be really difficult to get to where she is because she is so far west of me, further out than my therapist. I don’t have a car so it’s really difficult to try and get together. I am not that crazy about meeting in person. She is nice and all but it’s been years since I last saw her.

I haven’t read anything today other than my writing. I sent the blog I wrote earlier to both my therapist and psychiatrist. It was just something I wanted to share. I hope they like it. I kind of tweaked it a bit for my book. I was able to stretch it a bit and write more on it.

Ankle has flared up some on me today. I don’t know why. I haven’t done anything all weekend to make it angry. But then, there is a storm flicking through the area. The wind is really terrible. I hope it passes without anyone getting hurt. My Sox are losing right now to the Padres. I thought it was going to be an easy win. I guessed wrong. I was listening to the radio until I couldn’t listen anymore. The announcer I can’t stand kept repeating himself and it got annoying. I am now listening to country radio.

I think I am going to make a cup of tea to help me sleep. It worked really well last night, though I had to pee a few times during the night. That part I didn’t like. Sox lost 2-1. Bummer. They will lose standings in the AL East if they keep dropping games.

How Darkness Seeps In

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t go to sleep till around 3 am. I had the itch to write but all that I wrote was “it’s late”. The rest of what I wrote was boring and I am going to toss it. I really wanted to write about the psychosis getting out of hand and switching antipsychotics but all I did was outline my thoughts. I guess it’s a start.

Around this time last year, I was signing and faxing papers for the New York Times as I wrote an article they would be publishing. It was exciting as I never dreamed of writing for the Times. It was an extremely high ego boost. But it didn’t last long as I crashed into a deep depression afterwards that stuck around and is still lurking around. I guess I have been depressed for almost a year now, my longest episode. The psychosis didn’t really affect me until November of last year. That was when the abilify stopped working for me and I just thought things were still going okay.

It wasn’t until my back went out and I got scared I would have to have surgery again that my depression really worsened, causing the psychosis to also worsen. Add in the stress of my father’s ill health and it was a perfect recipe for disaster. I started having the physical symptoms of depression and lost some weight because I wasn’t eating. It’s easy to reflect on this as time has passed but it wasn’t easy while I was going through it. The psychosis really got worse after the Orlando shooting. That is when I stopped taking the abilify because the voices told me to. I was under their command. I just thank my lucky stars that I didn’t call the FBI like I wanted to because I was so delusional. I wanted to let the FBI know that they should look for a parasite in the brain of the deceased gunman because that what was causing him to act the way he did. I truly believed there was aliens planted parasites in ISIS followers that was making them evil and do bad things. I still believe this.

The voices wanted me to take more medication than was necessary for a few weeks. It wasn’t until the paranoia got out of control that I decided to go to trilafon to help with all the craziness that was going on in my head. My therapist was fearful I was going to lose it or take my life. I also started emailing crazy stuff to my psychiatrist which she had to stop because it was not the run of the mill stuff I normally sent her. If I had to “talk” to her, I had to page her. I couldn’t understand but now I sort of do. What I was writing was a little concerning. But it was my new “normal”. It wasn’t until I was at an adequate dose of trilafon that I realized just how crazy I had been.

All throughout this psychotic phase I was going through, I didn’t think it was bad. I still don’t. I had become more distant from my feelings and empty. It was like I felt nothing. I was hollow. These feelings didn’t last long. They were then covered up with depressive feelings and sometimes suicidal stuff.

My chronic pain reached its breaking point. I had my last flare up and I was going to make sure that it was going to be my last. It hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I am tired of living from flare up to flare up and having little to no relief for days. The only way I can get relief is by taking pain medication around the clock, and sometimes I have to take the strong pain meds to break the cycle. I am hindered in my activities and it sucks. Even walking around my own house is troublesome during these flare ups. I can’t make myself something to eat, showering is next to impossible, even brushing my teeth is a chore.

Dealing with mental illness and chronic pain is very difficult. It requires a balance. I am grateful I am not working because I think I would be dead by now. The emotional toll it takes to work, I just don’t have anymore. It was difficult in the beginning to get used to all the free time in the world that I had. Going to Starbucks provided some routine for me but on days when the depression was bad or my pain levels were out of control, even that routine was soon broken. Now I go whenever I can just to get out of the house for an hour or so. It’s rare that I will be out for more than two hours. My anxiety and paranoia get too much and I have to return home.

I spend the majority of my time in my room. I write, read, and follow Twitter and Facebook all from the comfort of my bed. I have to keep my left ankle elevated to keep it happy. It’s not like it won’t flare up because it can and will. I still haven’t figured out what makes it happy and what makes it really angry. I thought walking and standing aggravate it but I can have hours where I am on the bed and the slightest movement can hurt me. It’s so aggravating and frustrating because what causes it to hurt today, won’t cause it to hurt tomorrow. It is very depressing, which only intensifies my suicidal tendencies.

A Hopeless Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Hopeless Friday

I woke up late this morning and was hung over. The Benadryl always makes me hung over. I needed coffee badly so I had just enough time to get dressed and catch the bus to the Square. I had to go to the bank anyways to deposit a check so it worked out. I wanted a burrito again, so I went to Chipotle and had one. It was really messy, more messy than last night’s. They didn’t wrap it right so it basically fell apart. I had maybe ¾ of it and then I couldn’t finish it. I was full. After I ate, I went to the bank and then Starbucks to write a little bit. I made the perfect soy latte. It was really yummy.

About 45 minutes into being there, my ankle started hurting really bad. I had to wait fifteen minutes or so for the next bus so I continued to write as best I could but I was distracted. I guess all the walking and standing I did yesterday is catching up with me today. It immediately soured my mood and I felt hopeless, like the wind had been taken out of my sails. I hate being in chronic pain all the time.

I came home and my room was stuffy so I put the AC on, even though it’s barely above 70 degrees today. I really want to take my pain meds and nap, which I might do. I just feel so damn sad. My eyes are puffy from all the crying I have been doing the past few days. And I have dark circles under my eyes so it looks like I have been beaten up. They also are wicked dry but I am too damn lazy to put in the eye drops to make them feel better. I hate using eye drops.

I might write a little later to get my book going again. I really would love to write at least 850 words about the past struggles with my mental illness. In the book, I have been talking about the “pink rectangular pill”. I am no longer taking that because it became useless, which is why I am on trilafon. My psychiatrist finally called in the right order so I can freely take 2 a day without having to ration my pills, least for the next 30 days or so. I am happy because it gives me peace of mind and the trilafon really works for me. I haven’t been as psychotic lately and my paranoia has been way down. I see my psych next week. I was thinking about calling her today but I won’t. I might shoot her an email, just giving her an update on things.

I tried to nap but never slept. My mother called and I got angry. Dinner was ready. I really wanted to make just a bologna sandwich, which I might have later tonight. I ate what she made, which was chicken stir fry. It was okay. I took some pain meds because my ankle is really screaming at me now. I was being patient in thinking the pain would just go away if I didn’t think about it. Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.

I am having musical hallucinations again. Songs are playing in my head over and over. It’s funny because when they start, my voices are quiet and when the voices are running, I don’t have these type of hallucinations. Right now my song of choice is Peter Pan. It just runs non-stop in my head.

In other news, college football starts tomorrow. I cannot wait to don on my OSU hat. Which reminds me, I MUST get a Huskers shirt. I wish my Nebraska connections were still in Nebraska but they are now in Texas. Those are the two teams I support during the season. Last year when I ordered my OSU hat, it took several weeks for it to come. They had to get the hat at another bookstore. I have a small hat size so it’s hard to fill. This year the team is all new because most of the players are now in the NFL. They are all on different teams and none on my Pats. I am hoping for a trade or something in the future. These guys are really good players. I really don’t know how I became a Buckeye fan but I am one.