Tag: FTM

Thanksgiving Eve 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thanksgiving Eve 2020

My sister didn’t buy the squash that I wanted so I wanted to go today but I had to go to the post office to mail something out. I got stuck in the line so my sister went for me. I waited so long in line at the post office that my ankle flared up. It still is hurting me and I am trying so much to ignore it. It isn’t working. I am tired just from this excursion. God my ankle hurts. I didn’t go get my EKG today. I might go Friday if my sister isn’t doing anything. I will have her drive me there. It shouldn’t take too long. They are usually quick. I hate that I have to have it because my stupid breast is in the way because it is useless. I hate the things on my chest so much. It is really bothering me that I can’t get rid of them until I lose 25 lbs. I have been slowly losing weight but it is slow. I really think that this is discriminatory against overweight people to have them lose weight to affirm themselves. I don’t understand why you need to lose weight or be a certain BMI. If I had breast cancer I bet they wouldn’t say I needed to lose weight to remove the cancer. So stupid. Makes me so angry. It doesn’t help the gender dysphoria and it doesn’t help my mood that I have to fucking wait. I am so pissed off because losing weight is not easy.

I ordered lunch from my favorite sub shop. I can’t wait for the chicken kabob sandwich. It has been a long time since I had it. I bought myself an early birthday present for myself. I got a ticket to see Mary Chapin Carpenter at the Wolf Trap Center virtually for Friday night. I am so excited. And then I find out Taylor is on Disney plus so I will watch that tomorrow after dinner. It will be great to see Taylor and how she came with her new album. I love it. It is a really good mellow album.

I accidently took a double dose of Miralax today. I had a close to empty bottle so thought I would just take the rest didn’t realize there was enough for a dose in there. So I emptied the bottle in my glass. I just hope I don’t have colon blow or lose control of my bowels making an accident. I did my T shot today and didn’t hit a vein. I am so happy about that. Last couple of times I have hit one and there was a lot of blood after the shot. I can’t stand looking at my own blood. It makes me queasy.

I took a nap around 1600 and I am still tired. Hope I can sleep tonight. I know I took a late nap. I just took my night meds. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist. I had asked for a refill on the citalopram and haven’t gotten it yet. It still hasn’t been called in to the pharmacy. I hope I will hear from him on Friday as I will run out this weekend and I don’t see him till next week. Monday I will go get the EKG that I need. I wanted to go today but I wasn’t sure if the office had a half day or not because of tomorrow’s holiday.

therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and meeting with GYN surgeon

Yesterday I had a meeting with one of the top GYN surgeons at the hospital I go to. We discussed having a hysterectomy. It was a good meeting and I said that I didn’t want it right away as I wanted to build up my endurance first. She said that I would have to have some testing done so we had some time but it should be within three months because that is when her schedule gets tricky. I am planning on having it done in Feb of next year. It will be a day surgery so I don’t have to worry about staying overnight. She described the procedure and it doesn’t look to be too complicated. I just worry about a prolapse bladder, which I forgot to ask her about. We discussed the need for keeping the ovaries but as I am on testosterone, I don’t have to worry so much about menopause, unless I stop taking it. I am glad I will have this useless organ out of me.

I had therapy yesterday and it went well. We talked about coming up with a schedule that will help me sleep better and to have some routine. We spent the session talking about it. I told her I would go for a walk and then she suggested that I write. I am not sure writing in the mid-morning early afternoon is good for me. I don’t write well at that time. We did build in naps so that I can rest. She thinks I am pushing myself too much and that is why I am tired all the time and feels so frustrated with my recovery. I guess I just have to give myself permission to relax at times when I have done too much. But what I do changes my level of tiredness. I could do the same thing every day and one day it will tire me out and the next day it won’t. Like showering. Some times it really wears me out and I need to rest a few times while in the shower to rest my back. I told her about how Friday was a bad day that I tried to make good at by getting my haircut. It just made me more tired and I had to rest the weekend.

Today I made coffee but didn’t finish it. Post nasal drip was so bad that I kept on gagging, making drinking not a pleasant experience. I took a walk afterwards and met with my neighbor who had her dog out. It was good seeing the boxer again. I missed seeing her. She was rowdy, running around in circles. I still need to get dog treats so I can pet her. Otherwise she ignores me. LOL. I came home and did fairly well. I had to stop at the corner where there was a bench to rest my back. It was the only rest that I needed to complete the walk around the block. It was really beautiful out today. Weather was perfect.

I need to take a shower. I got sweaty and I smell. I have decided not to shave my beard for the month of November. I am just biding my time because I know I am going to be exhausted after the shower. I haven’t been eating so lost some weight. I let my psychiatrist know as the new med causes weight gain but I am going the opposite way. I asked him about my lipids and he said that he will check them when I am on a stabile dose of the Latuda. I asked the pharmacist yesterday if it causes any bladder issues and it doesn’t. Guess it just is nerves for me. I have urodynamic testing next month. I am kind of nervous about it. It is such an invasive test. I will find out then if there has been a change in my circumstances and maybe I can get off some of the medication I take for my bladder.

Sunday Blog 20092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 20092020

The only plans I have for today is to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and fill my med boxes for the week. It is cool today so I will be wearing sweatpants and maybe a sweatshirt. I am not sure how cold it is out but it is cold in the house. Sometimes it is colder in the house than it is outside. I am hoping that is the case.

I finally made an appointment for the Ride to be picked up for my pain clinic appointment. I am seeing a new pain doctor. Why, I have no clue. I have no interest to see someone new but my pcp wants me to see someone so I am going. It is just a consult, nothing will change, I hope. I just hope they don’t need a urine sample. I will bring a catheter with me just in case but hope I don’t have to use it. I cannot pee on demand. I never could. I would be sitting on the toilet forever before I peed. I still have retention. My urge to go can be weak but I am able to void with some hesitation. If I don’t get that urge, forget about peeing. I got to remember the paperwork they sent me. I hope I don’t forget it. I am not sure if I am going to arrive on time or not. All depends on traffic.

It’s windy today so I don’t think I will wear a hat. Last thing I want to do is go chasing after it because the wind blew it off my head. Had that happen one too many times. The cold air is causing my back to cramp something awful. I am tempted to send a message to my surgeon to see what he recommends. I am taking tizanidine but I am still having cramps. I am taking it around the clock, too.

I don’t usually discuss politics on my blog but the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has my stomach turning in knots. I am worried for my country and the Supreme Court. The last thing we need is another predator like Kavanaugh on the bench. All of this depends on if the Senators decide to vote once the Orange Buffoon picks someone. They really shouldn’t because the senate majority leader set a precedent of not picking someone until there is a new president as this is an election year. There are like 45 days to election day. I think it will be too soon to pick someone. But knowing the scoundrels, I wouldn’t put it past them to try and pick someone. My heart will break because it was RBG’s dying wish to have a new president pick a replacement. I just hope the wish comes true.

I have four appointments this week. Tues, Wed, and Thurs I have two. Wed I say goodbye to my psychopharm NP. I saw the new psychiatrist last Thursday and it went okay. He seems like a nice guy but I don’t like that we are meeting every four weeks. I think I will be okay but if my suicidality increases, I am going to need more support. He said that I can send him a message via the patient website thingy if I need to communicate to him in between visits. I might send him one next week to increase the citalopram as 20 mg doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me. It takes a long time for this drug to work but I was hoping to see some difference by now. I have been on it for two weeks. I am going to give it another week before I contact him.

I have been reading two books on women and slavery. The first book is Women’s War by Stephanie McCurry and it is about women in the Civil War and how they fought. It focuses on the laws of how to deal with the treason and such. It is interesting but it keeps going back forth with the law and says the creator of the law one too many times.

The second book I am reading is called Medical Bondage by Diedre Cooper Owens. It is about the way American gynecology had its beginning, with enslaved women. It is pretty sad because their doctors who were just learning the skills often ended up killing the women they were supposed to heal. These women often were not named but were written about in medical journals of the time before the American Medical Association came to be in 1847. Before this organization was established there was hardly any ethics involved in treating enslaved women. It was do whatever they want often without their consent or if the woman said no the treatment was done anyways against her wishes because her owner said yes to the procedure. This was all done to ensure the reproductive organs of these women were viable so that more children could be born. The book is short so I probably will finish it before the Women’s War book.

trans issues 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trans issues 10

The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.

From Twitter:
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.

I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.