Tag: hopelessness

day 2 of dry needling

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Day 2 after dry needling

It is day 2 after dry needling. I am kind of stiff so need to work out the soreness. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up with my bicep hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. It still is kind of sore now. I just did my exercises. I am still sore but it is bearable.

Just listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Songs From Home. She does it nearly every Sunday she sings a new song either one of her old songs or her new one on her album. Or sometimes it is a cover from another singer or band. I love it because I love her. She makes me happy when I see her. This week’s song was “come on come on” from her album of the same name. It is one of my favorite songs.

I need to shave and shower today. I am starting to smell. I don’t wear deodorant that much anymore since the pandemic. I should use it to cut down on the sweating but I never think of it because I am not used to it. If I am going out on the rare occasion I will use it. Even in the coldest of winter I will sweat. Part of the reason I woke up around 0430 was because I was so warm. It is freezing outside so the heat has been kicking on and off. I have the ceiling fan going but still, I get hot. I only have one blanket on. I still have the AC in my window. Tomorrow is supposed to be a blizzard. Going to be cold in my room and I will love it. I texted my sister that it was 16 degrees and we should go to the beach. She laughed.

I cut my finger nails again. Seems I cut them more frequently than I do my toenails. I do need to cut them but I usually wait till after a shower so they aren’t so difficult to cut. Today is my niece’s birthday and I ordered a pistachio latte with 3 extra shots of espresso. I should be wired for the day. I haven’t had espresso in so long. I miss Starbucks. I miss going there to write and to chill while having espresso and a snack. I had coffee today but it hasn’t done much in keeping me awake. I so want to nap right now but I don’t want to wreck my record of not napping in the past week. My sleep has been better since I go to bed around 9 or 10 and for the most part I can sleep through the night except when my bladder wakes me up, like it did this morning. I don’t empty it all because of nerve damage. The PT wants me to drink a lot of water which has been hard for me to do. I am not a water drinker but have been drinking Gatorade. I just sent my PT a message as I have been getting cramps in my right side flank while doing my exercises. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I started having them while doing them in the office on Friday. I see her this week so hopefully we can work something out. She probably will tell me those muscles are tight too.

dry needling day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dry needling day

I was nervous about the dry needling that I was having today but it worked out good. I am sore and it did hurt but nothing compared to the pain I was in. I feel so much better and can move my arm better than I have been. I got heat on it now and am drinking a lot of water to flush out the toxins from the release. I love my PT. She is so good at what she does. I took a BT med before therapy to deal with the pain. I am glad I did because I am not hurting as much as I think I would be if I didn’t. The heat on it is so relaxing.

I started listening to Linkin Park on the way home from PT. I am still listening as I write. I miss listening to their music. Sucks that no new music will come from them because of Chester’s death. Their last album was so meaningful. I think it speaks to suicide prevention.

Working on check the facts, I should die. Coming up with I don’t want to live. Other people want me to live so I go on for them. I have a very ingrained death wish and I am not sure this can change. I’ve been wanting to die since I was eight years old. Suicide has been on my mind for such a long time. I don’t think I can ever not think of it when things are rough. It’s been more than a year since I last attempted. I have the means to try again but I am scared that I will fail. I fear that what I have is not going to be enough to kill me. So I just imagine going through with it and sleeping into oblivion.

My jaw is hurting me today for some reason. It hurts to open my mouth. I know I am clenching my teeth as my teeth are sore. I really need to see the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. It has been more than a year since I last went. I just don’t know if it is safe to do so now. I know I need to have my wisdom teeth extracted and a root canal on one of my top teeth. I am not looking forward to either procedure.

I bought BelVita breakfast biscuits because I like them a lot. My sister is telling me not to have too much of them because it messes up your digestive tract. My tract is already messed up so if it gives me the shits, all the better. I had to take Miralax today because I haven’t gone in a few days. Besides, if it was going to mess me up, I think it would have done so by now as I have been eating them nearly every day for the past two weeks. I think my sister is just full of it.

I need to shower and trim my beard. I might do this later today. My foot and ankle are not really on speaking terms with me today but I can still get around. Just hope I don’t pay for it later.

shoulder soreness and sneezing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shoulder soreness and sneezing

I woke up about an hour ago with my shoulder sore and then I started sneezing which really taxed my muscles. I had to take a Zanaflex to try and ease my shoulder. I have grocery delivery today and I want to try and take some of the stuff up. I had a pretty good night sleeping. I woke up a few times but was able to get back to sleep. I don’t know what my sister was yelling at my nephew about at like 6 this morning but WTF.

I have therapy today and I am sort of looking forward to it. I really want to talk about stuff that is bothering me. I also want to ask her how I can change my reaction to my family. I figure it won’t hurt to ask. I think this would be right up her ally. I am not saying that it is going to be easy to change. It will definitely take time.

I am having my coffee and writing in the kitchen today. I thought a change of scenery might help me write. But the brightness in the kitchen from the snow is making me tired. It is snowing out. I hope this doesn’t impact my grocery delivery. Probably will. I just want them to be safe. It is a light snow right now.

I had PT yesterday virtually. I got a few exercises to do in bed. I didn’t want to go out yesterday because the streets were messy with snow. It was a good session. I had to get rid of my zoom background because it was hard to see me in it. For some reason when you have the background, the area around you gets blacked out. I start the dry needling procedure tomorrow. I am kind of scared but hopeful it will help me. She said that I am a good candidate for it because of the trigger points that I have.

I am feeling really tired for some reason. It could be because of the Zanaflex. I am going to try and clear off my bed today before my groceries get here. I still need to brush my teeth. I was gagging this morning so I wasn’t able to then. I also need to fix my hair as it is so fricken wild. I got my haircut the other day and it looks so cool. I love it when it is buzzed. It doesn’t stay this way long though because my hair grows so fast. I need to trim my beard again. It is also getting wild. I haven’t trimmed it in a few weeks. I flip through trim and shave every day but I still haven’t done anything. I kind of like the beard because I don’t have to do anything. Unlike my hair, it grows slow.

I bought a new neck and shoulder heat pad with wheat and it is the best thing I have ever bought. I love the weight of it on my neck. It is really relaxing and helps my pain.

depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depressed

Yesterday I was really down and needed to talk. I felt I had to tell my youngest sister I was depressed so I texted her and we spoke for a few minutes before my therapy session. I feel all I did was worry my sister as she didn’t understand where I was coming from. I told her I just couldn’t get the stuff in my room done because it was too difficult for me with this shoulder pain that is bringing me down. I am in more pain lately because of it and it is really making me depressed. I just don’t see a way out other than suicide and no one wants that.

I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday. I asked her if I needed therapy and she didn’t know how to respond to it. I was in a really depressed state while talking to her. I was also in pain with my shoulder. I tried massaging out the pain but I wasn’t successful. I really hope tomorrow’s PT session helps. I talked about being in pain in therapy. I felt like I was falling on deaf ears. Just like when I was talking to my middle sister about it. I sent her some memes (sister). I don’t know how else to get things across to my family how bad things are with me. Then my therapist thinks I got to change and I was taken aback by this. She has been hinting all along that my perception of my family needs to change so that I don’t get so upset by them because they are not going to change.

I know I have talked about finding another therapist but I just can’t right now. My depression is too disabling. I will stick with this therapist because I am tired. I don’t have the energy to look for one. The one I am seeing isn’t bad. I know she wants the best for me and that is why she pushes me and challenges me so much. Maybe I should tell her to lay off so hard. I am seeing her tomorrow afternoon.

I seriously need to lower the Latuda. My muscles are spastic at times and that isn’t helping my shoulder pain. I changed my PT appointment to virtual today. I don’t know if this is going to be helpful or not but it snowed and I don’t want to risk falling because of snow drifts. My sister said it was messy out so I really don’t want to go out. Besides, the temp changes have caused my ankle to flare up so walking wouldn’t be good for me today anyways.

I went out yesterday to get my haircut. It had been two months since I seen my barber. It is always good to see him. We talked shit and it felt good. I love my haircut. I get it cut the same way all the time, bald fade and light on the top, though I am letting it grow. I took a shower and it exhausted me afterwards. My back cramped up because someone turned down the heat in the house so the house was cold. I didn’t want to leave the shower stall because it was nice and warm.