Tag: mental pain
unable to sleep due to anxiety
Unable to sleep due to anxiety
I have been feeling anxious the past few hours. I took 0.5 mg of Ativan, which probably wasn’t the brightest idea as I usually take 1 mg. I started writing in my journal about why I was anxious, mostly because of my upcoming appointment with the therapist. I just don’t know if this is the start of twice a week sessions or just a one time thing of meeting twice a week. I am hoping to get out of Wed session but won’t know of that till Monday. Ugh. I don’t know why I am nervous other than the fact I don’t want to be cornered into sessions. I still am highly suicidal so on the one hand, it will be good to have therapy twice a week but on the other, I want to die so I don’t want to meet twice a week, hence the anxiety.
I have four appointments this week that are stressing me out. Three are mental health related and the other is for uro. I am nervous about that because I don’t know if I can talk openly about how this self cathing thing is making me feel. It is making me feel more disabled because I am falling apart physically and I don’t like it. I don’t like that I got to keep track of when was the last time I went pee all the time and the thought of putting on a timer or alarm to cath or try to pee just doesn’t appeal to me. So I am just drinking less than I normally would just so I don’t have to pee more than I should. I hate being in this place. This whole thing also has made the constipation worse. I really think because I am not using the muscles to empty my bladder which are the same muscles to have a bowel movement, my bowels have decided not to move so much, even with taking laxatives and stuff. I just can’t deal. No one understands and I don’t even know who to talk to about it. Just makes me feel more suicidal.
This salivary gland thing is not getting better like I thought it was. There is this pressure on my throat from the swelling. It’s not painful, just uncomfortable. I look like a pelican as I have a pouch of swelling under my jaw. It is making the muscles tense and it is so hard to relax. I guess I should take some more Ativan just to relax the muscles so I could possibly sleep tonight. I just emptied my bladder, which wasn’t much in there like I thought there would be. Hopefully I can sleep through the night because I really don’t want to be up all night like last night.
DDDAAAAAAAA YANKEES LOSE!!!!! I am so happy the Snakes choked again. The Houston Astros are going to the World Series with the Washington Nationals. I am rooting for the Nats to win the Series. This is the first time ever they have made it to the Series. I partly stayed up to see who would win as the top of the 9th, the snakes tied the ballgame. I was so happy the Astros won the bottom of the 9th with a homerun.
In addition to the four appointments I have this week, I also need to make four phone calls. One is to the uro’s office to make sure I have the right office I am going to. I got to ask the uro about why she wants me to see an occupational therapist. She told me she would refer me but I am not sure why I have to see one. Maybe when I tell her I have the hang of it, I won’t have to. I am sure it is up to me but other than them giving me tips on how to carry the stuff, I don’t think they can be of help unless they can suddenly let me grow a third hand. The other one I need to make is for my food stamps. I need to find out if paying for private insurance can count as an expense so I can increase the money I get per month. I am disabled so I might be able to have this new medical expense with the catheters on too as it’s like $50/mo for it.
My suicidal mood is up to planning a date again sometime soon. I can’t help but think about it because it just is what I want to fucking do. I don’t want to live to see my next birthday. My rebirthday is coming up next week. It will be two years living as G legally. I really love it and wish the rest of my transition could go through but unfortunately it can’t right now because of this fucking construction business. I found out a few weeks ago, it isn’t happening till April. Well, that is all well and good as I will be fucking gone by then. I don’t want to live to see my 44th birthday. I just don’t. I can’t stand living this way anymore, between being in pain every fucking day, being depressed, and now medically falling apart…it is just too much.
in the abyss with the black dog 2
In the abyss with the black dog 2
Someone left a comment on my blog and I didn’t realize I left out how I felt when I wrote that blog. So I am writing this again using the same title as I feel it is most appropriate. I sometimes get off target when I start with a title. I can sometimes get lost in the telling of my events that I forget to mention how I feel.
I am struggling emotionally right now because pain has become really bad. I also am having a hard time adjusting to keeping track of my bladder and how much I drink. I am becoming so stressed, the thing with my vocal cord muscles are tightening up again. I am finding it hard to talk, especially with my hard of hearing mother. I have to basically yell for her to hear me. I just have been feeling so down and out. I feel like there is a black cloud following me once again. I was hoping going on the duloxetine would help. It’s been a week and other than some minor pain relief, I am getting no relief from the depression. The doc told me if in two weeks I see no change to increase the dose. It really takes longer than two weeks to see a change with antidepressants.
I know my sister is causing me stress because she continues to not understand my current medical situation about the self-cathing. I just can’t deal with her ignorance. I think that is also tensing up the vocal muscles. I hope I don’t lose my voice again.
I still have been having these sleep attacks where I need my pillow. I feel lightheaded and need to lay down. I sometimes fall asleep. Other times I am just laying down resting. I don’t know if I have a bug or what. I just feel really tired, more so than usual. It could just be stress, which has been growing for a while now. I just don’t know what to do about it as coffee doesn’t really help me to stay awake. I was able to shower today, hoping it would wake me up but it just exhausted me. My ankle has been hurting me all fricken day so maybe pain is causing me to be so fricken tired. I still need to do my med boxes for the week. I am just about ready to give up on things. I just can’t seem to find a point in going on. I want to end this miserable existence. Maybe this will be the week I do.
one that got away
One that got away
I’ve been in a writing mood today. I seem to be writing in the late evening as I have a lot on my mind. The therapist responded to the texts I sent her. She said things are always going to be tough (no shit!) and maybe talk about additional “treatment factors”, whatever those are. I guess I will find out Thursday. She did say that she is open to whatever I bring in so that is good. I am glad she isn’t rigid in what she practices like past therapists. But then the one I saw for 16 years was and then she ended on me. I blame myself for it and the stupid CM went along with it all because I asked her if we should end.
I didn’t do anything today. I wasn’t feeling up to doing anything today. I crossed my room to get something in the hallway and my ankle acted up. There was a ten degree change in temperature so I am guessing that is why it is still hurting me. It got cold so I have a thermal sock on it right now. I missed having them while in the hospital because my feet got cold on more than one occasion and I needed a hot pack to warm it up. There were a few days, around the same time, where I felt like there was cold water on my foot. I kept feeling my foot to see if it was wet but it was dry. Then it would become really cold. It always happened around shift change, which annoyed me because there were no nurses to give you a hot pack. I am not sure staff could but it was just ridiculous!
I charged up the study watch but now I am having trouble with the app. It logged me out when it updated and I can’t seem to sign back in. I put in a message to the tech people but I haven’t heard back from them yet. They gave me a new login password but it still doesn’t work. I don’t know. I will just have to wait. I didn’t tell them about not wearing it the past three weeks.
I was scrolling through Twitter, like I always do, when I came across the nowmattersnow.org tweet about how going to the website reduces suicidal thoughts. I thought I would give it a try. Instead of helping, it made me feel worse because the pain they are talking about, is psychological not physical. I may have intense emotions that are causing me to feel the way I do because of my physical pain but it is a situation thing. One of the videos said that suicidal thoughts were actually an okay thing because it makes sense as it is a relief from the intense emotions. Unfortunately, I gone from suicidal thoughts to actions. I plan on acting on my thoughts when the pain is less or within a few days of having intense physical pain. The pain I am feeling right now is not excruciating enough to think about suicide but it is lingering. Pain just changed because I moved my big toe. Hurts so much that I had to take a breakthrough med. UGH. I cannot be free from high pain, ever. I find this hopeless to think things will get better because with pain, nothing ever gets better.
I am really tired so I will sign off here. I am not sure I will be here the end of the week. All I can focus on right now is right now. I hope that is enough.
midnightdemons7 
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