Tag: psychological pain

Monday check in

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Monday check in

I’ve got to shower today and I think after this blog is posted, I am going to do it. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. Luckily I was able to get back to sleep. I woke up at 7 and feel rested, which is quite a change. I usually wake up tired as fuck. Last night I was having trouble with my suicidal thoughts. I texted a crisis line and it helped a lot. The person was so understanding of what I was going through. I felt validated and supported. I said that I had no plan even though I do have one but I didn’t want to get into it. I wasn’t going to do anything. It was just a lot of thoughts inundating me. My physical pain was really bad. My neck and ankle hurt so much that I was losing it. The stress that I have been under caused my neck pain as after I “talked” things out, I felt better. I know a lot of tension is in my neck and shoulders. I really hope PT helps alleviate some of the pain. My arm is feeling better. It just hurts if I touch the area that was jabbed. My chest is a different story. It still hurts when I touch it and it is swollen so I am going to have to put ice on it.

I had one cup of coffee but today might be two cups. I am thinking of having the second cup when I see my therapist around noon time. I had some toast with unsalted butter and it was gross. Never do that again. I think I am going to buy Irish butter so I can have it with toast. It is so good. I forget the name of the brand but my sisters love it, too.

I am going to try and clear off my bed today. I have been slowly getting things off and putting them where they belong or otherwise just tossing it on the floor because I have no where else to put them. Just hope the caffeine doesn’t wear off. I’d like to get my bed cleared before therapy and then change my sheets after therapy. I also plan on putting on the new foam topper that I bought that I hope doesn’t slide off the bed. This will mean I can’t be on my bed for a few hours but that is ok. I can go downstairs and stay with my mother while it settles on my bed. I just hope I can put on my sheets ok. I haven’t decided which blanket I am going to put on. I think I am going to put the blanket my mother made for me years ago on. It is heavy and warm. I just hope it isn’t too warm.

Snow storm is coming this afternoon. Snow is supposed to start around noon and end around midnight tomorrow I think. They are calling it a Nor’easter. I just hope most of the snow is plowed and shoveled by Wed when I have to go out for my PT appointment. If not I will have to have it virtually. I don’t like the virtual appointments. It is hard to really see what the therapist is trying to make me do. I am going twice a week for the next month or so. I really hope this works and decreases my pain. I just hope we get to work on my neck next because it has been really bothering me more than my shoulder.

Ankle is starting to act up again. I have noticed that when it acts up, my hamstring in my leg hurts, too. The hamstring pain is really bothersome as I can’t stretch it out or take anything for it. Usually if I just keep my leg still it helps with the pain. Last night was my niece’s birthday party. I was able to go down for dinner but I couldn’t go down for the cake as my ankle acted up. Pain is similar to what I am experiencing right now. I still hope I can shower. My hair needs to be washed. It is so damn itchy. I would love to find a shampoo that moisturizes your hair. I haven’t been able to find one. If someone knows a good brand, please pass it along. You can use the contact page or just comment on my blog.

day 2 of dry needling

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Day 2 after dry needling

It is day 2 after dry needling. I am kind of stiff so need to work out the soreness. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up with my bicep hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. It still is kind of sore now. I just did my exercises. I am still sore but it is bearable.

Just listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s Songs From Home. She does it nearly every Sunday she sings a new song either one of her old songs or her new one on her album. Or sometimes it is a cover from another singer or band. I love it because I love her. She makes me happy when I see her. This week’s song was “come on come on” from her album of the same name. It is one of my favorite songs.

I need to shave and shower today. I am starting to smell. I don’t wear deodorant that much anymore since the pandemic. I should use it to cut down on the sweating but I never think of it because I am not used to it. If I am going out on the rare occasion I will use it. Even in the coldest of winter I will sweat. Part of the reason I woke up around 0430 was because I was so warm. It is freezing outside so the heat has been kicking on and off. I have the ceiling fan going but still, I get hot. I only have one blanket on. I still have the AC in my window. Tomorrow is supposed to be a blizzard. Going to be cold in my room and I will love it. I texted my sister that it was 16 degrees and we should go to the beach. She laughed.

I cut my finger nails again. Seems I cut them more frequently than I do my toenails. I do need to cut them but I usually wait till after a shower so they aren’t so difficult to cut. Today is my niece’s birthday and I ordered a pistachio latte with 3 extra shots of espresso. I should be wired for the day. I haven’t had espresso in so long. I miss Starbucks. I miss going there to write and to chill while having espresso and a snack. I had coffee today but it hasn’t done much in keeping me awake. I so want to nap right now but I don’t want to wreck my record of not napping in the past week. My sleep has been better since I go to bed around 9 or 10 and for the most part I can sleep through the night except when my bladder wakes me up, like it did this morning. I don’t empty it all because of nerve damage. The PT wants me to drink a lot of water which has been hard for me to do. I am not a water drinker but have been drinking Gatorade. I just sent my PT a message as I have been getting cramps in my right side flank while doing my exercises. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I started having them while doing them in the office on Friday. I see her this week so hopefully we can work something out. She probably will tell me those muscles are tight too.

Saturday Blog 30012021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 30012021

I am a little sore from the dry needling today. I am very sore if I touch the area that was jabbed. I can’t seem to stretch the area near my armpit is. I am frustrated because I have tried a few different ways and still can’t get it to stretch. I haven’t used heat yet today. I probably will after I write this blog or go pee next, whichever comes first.

I finished my other blog that I started yesterday but had a hard time finishing. I then felt like I should write about how I was doing with the dry needling so here is another blog. Today is cold again. Tomorrow and Monday is supposed to be stormy weather. A blizzard is coming. Oh joy. Glad I don’t have to go anywhere the next few days. I have to leave the house Wed for PT again but my other appointments are virtual. I see my psychiatrist next week and I am telling him I have lowered the dose of the Latuda because I feel like it is too high and is causing me side effects. I feel like my muscles are spastic at times and I don’t have any other reason for this except as a possible side effect of the Latuda.

I sent a message to my therapist about what I talked about in my previous blog about how I should die and that checking the facts wasn’t too good. It just lead me to not wanting to live and that was where I left it. I don’t think I can check the facts with wanting to live. I know I don’t. How I managed to be 45 years old, I haven’t a fucking clue.

The PT wanted me to get a palm massager for my shoulder. I just used it after putting some heat on my shoulder and omg the pain. I tried lessening the pressure and it still hurt. I am so sore. My neck feels better after the heat. I love my new neck wrap as it is weighted and feels so nice on my neck.

I am listening to Linkin Park again and just listened to “Lost in the Echo” which is an awesome song. From the inside is another good song. “Tension is building inside steadily” is a great lyric. I love their music so much. Heavy is another good song.

I usually take my meds around 8 but lately I’ve been taking them before then. They still sedate me so within an hour I am usually asleep. I am so tired right now that I want to take my meds now so I can sleep. But it isn’t even 7 yet. I will wake up before 0300 if I take them now and then I will be up all night which won’t be good. I have been sleeping better since taking them at a consistent time every night. I got to ask my therapist if she likes Linkin Park. I would be curious to know. I haven’t talked to my mother today. I don’t feel like talking to her. She hasn’t called me today either which is nice. I really haven’t left my room except to eat and go to the bathroom. I haven’t been lying down either. I just been on my laptop. I’ve had a nice day despite being depressed and in pain.

the 330 am blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The 330 am blog

I’ve been up since 0130 because of pain. My right shoulder hurts and didn’t get better until I got up and started stretching it out a bit. I’ve been in a weird mood since waking up. I feel like I should be suicidal with the amount of pain that I am in but I am not. I don’t know if this is a good sign that I am getting better or what. I think the groups is helping me though I don’t know how because the skills I haven’t learned really. I know what they are but I haven’t worked on them. I have tried the DEAR MAN skill that my therapist wants me to but we had to go over it and then I dissociated afterwards so I don’t remember a thing about what we talked about. I didn’t even know if I had attended the session so I asked her if I did. She said I did. So weird.

I have one more week of groups and then I am done and I don’t think I will go back. It was too stressful. Plus my email kept deleting the emails that the clinicians were sending and I don’t know why that is. I got to make a rule so that it goes to my inbox and nowhere else.

My therapist wants me to send her screenshots of the handouts I am given during groups. I think she wants to make sure I am going and I find this irritating. I feel like she doesn’t trust me. The agreement was that I would text her and Then I would have a response to what I was texting. Thing is the past few days I haven’t had any responses to what I text her about. I feel like this is a one way street again.

I haven’t really participated in group that past few days. I listen but I have been getting bored. Even the group that I thought would be interesting was a flop. I didn’t like it at all. I have been going to the first three groups because those are the most important ones as they are mostly clinical. The first one is just a check in and the other two are either CBT or DBT groups. I find it interesting that they are using both therapies in the program. Both are useful, don’t get me wrong and they do work to their own extent.

I love the therapist that I have in the program. He is so energetic and empathetic and fun to work with. He is a really good guy and I love when he leads groups because he makes them fun instead of boring. He brings this energy that is positive and soothing. I love it. I am going to miss him when I leave. I feel like I should write him an email but I think I will wait as it is the weekend. I am surprised the hospital doesn’t recognize MLK day. It is this Monday and my therapist is off but the program is on. Very weird.

I have put back the weight I lost. I am disappointed in this because I was able to go below 200 and now I am a few pounds over. My struggle with weight is so finicky. It all depends on my appetite and if I eat regularly. Lately I have just been eating one meal a day because I usually full and don’t want to eat anything else for the day. This talking about eating is making me hungry. I think I am going to make scrambled eggs with cheese. I just hope we have the bread.