Tag: psychotherapy

so tired of the shore

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

So tired of the shore

I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.

I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.

Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.

The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.

horrible Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Horrible Monday

I woke up around 0300. My arms felt like spaghetti and were very spastic. I wasn’t fully awake but as I haven’t eaten in 24 hours, I thought it was due to low blood sugar. I had some M&Ms and Gatorade. By 5 I was no better and realized it was side effects from the Invega so I took an Ativan. That didn’t work so I took 25 mg of diphenhydramine. I was sleepy and my mother had a freezer delivery today so I had to be up but my body was like fuck you after I took sedating drugs. I just wanted to sleep. I also wanted to shower but that wasn’t happening with delivery men coming to the house. I just could not get going. I finally forced myself to wash up at least. The cool water on my face helped. I then got dressed to go to my appointment.

The appointment was for my neurosurgeon to discuss the MRIs I had Saturday. It was more of me sitting in the waiting room for a half hour for the surgeon to come and tell me the radiologist didn’t do what he wanted so now has to play politics with the two hospitals and figure out how to see my spinal cord the way he wants to. So I don’t need surgery, yet. But I don’t think he liked the lumbar spine. Something the way he said it made it seem it was bad. I had taken a fall Thurs so maybe something shifted. I don’t expect to get a report of the MRIs until next week in the patient web thing. So frustrating. Then I had therapy.

I swear time was dilated the whole time I was with my therapist! It just seemed to inch along. I felt like I was there for more than 45 minutes but I wasn’t. We talked about the blog I sent her. She didn’t feel comfortable reading it through as it felt like she was invading my private thoughts even though it is for the world to see. I respect that she was respecting me that way. She just skimmed the blogs that I have sent her. She said that my writing it is a tool to cope. We came up with a plan. I get to talk about my abusive relationship with my 2nd ex. I think if I air it out some, I might feel better because she is taking a lot of head space and I don’t like it. Doesn’t also help that every fucking time I touch myself I think of her touching me that way and being abusive toward me. The therapist wants me to write about the fear. I have decided to keep a notebook about this kind of work than make it online. She also thinks I have a concussion. I played along with her on this until I was on my way home and my head exploded. I was sensitive to light and sound as well as had ringing in my ears. I had the worst headache and I still have it. I think going out today was a trigger. I am not doing anything tomorrow so I am just going to rest.

I came home and I was freezing. I just wanted to nap. I tried and couldn’t. My mother called me asking if I called the delivery place because the freezer was too big to carry up the stairs. They couldn’t get it around the bend in the stairway. So now I got to order another freezer. I just laid down and tried to rest. I haven’t eaten anything since Saturday. Yesterday I slept all day so didn’t eat. I wasn’t hungry. Today I should be starving but I am not. My foot is flared up so cooking is out. I am so frustrated by this. I know I probably shouldn’t be but I am. I hate that any activity I do lately has been causing me pain. I am so on the edge with suicidality.

Therapist and I agreed to meet twice a week until she is on vacation again. We are going to try it to see if it helps and also keep me accountable to the writing she wants me to do. I don’t have the mental space to write what she wants today. I am so tapped out and lethargic from not sleeping and the headache is making my concentration terrible.

great wide open

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Great wide open

I did a few errands today and got my haircut. Today is week 60 of my transition so I posted pics on my FB page. I also posted to Twitter for those that aren’t on FB. I then sent the pics to my sisters. My youngest sister said that I looked like my father. I honestly don’t see it. She also said I lost weight. Thirty pounds since April and I still continue to lose. The increase in the Invega dose has increased my appetite some but not to what it was. I do get hungry on some days but I really don’t eat much. A sandwich will be enough to get me through the day. Tomorrow is Turkey day. I will be going over a friend’s house where I know I will stuff my face with turkey and stuffing because it is my favorite meal ever. Actually, turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce any day of the year is good to me. And mashed potatoes. There used to be this roast beef place that was in front of the hospital where I worked. They sold the best Thanksgiving sandwich. It was amazing. No sandwich has come close to it. I can’t even make it at home. I have tried though. Sometimes I will get the wraps, turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce and roll it all up for a sandwich but it isn’t the same.

Yesterday I had therapy. I don’t see her again for two weeks because she is on vacation. We were talking and I asked in all seriousness, why I should be in therapy. It was a valid question. She had no objection to me not being in therapy though she doesn’t advise to stop as I am suicidal. She wants me to write about why I want to discontinue therapy. I have to think on it. The thing is, since I was 15 I was made to feel that because I was depressed and suicidal, I had to be in therapy. There are millions of people who are depressed and suicidal yet they aren’t in therapy. Some can’t afford it or have insurance for it. I am not saying I don’t have a serious mental illness. I know I do have it. I didn’t have therapy most of this year and have only restarted the last five months as the therapist pointed out. I can’t believe it has been that long but it has been. Time seems to have stopped for me since my psych left. I sent her the transition pics and she is wow’d by the change.

I am not sure why I have to be in therapy. Other than processing old traumas that I have not done doesn’t seem like a good reason for me. I could stay just to process and then move on. I know it won’t help the suicidality much or maybe it will. I don’t know until the trauma is processed. I think the therapist likes me. She didn’t say it yesterday but I just got the sense. I was kind of out of sorts as the voices were not present and I felt so damn alone. I was trying to tell her how alone I felt and she had no clue. It was a tough session. She kept on reading my texts that I sent her. Apparently she can read it from her computer. I don’t know what kind of app that is that does it. I know I was feeling paranoid about her. I kept thinking she was going to laugh at me at any moment. She didn’t but it was a sense so maybe I can’t really judge my senses right now.

Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album next year. I don’t know when as she is still in the process of making it. It makes me happy that she will be coming out with new music. Only question will be, will I be around when it does get released.

painsomnia has returned

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia has returned

With the depression making me so damn tired, I had escaped for a little while from the pain induced insomnia or just insomnia in general. The temps have dropped considerably (currently in the 20sF) so my pain is beyond measuring right now. I took some extra pain meds and hope that it works and that I don’t have to take more meds. It’s a little after 2 right now. I hope I can sleep by at least 4 or so. The pain is like a slew of nails being shot into my foot and ankle joint. I cannot describe it beyond that right now. It is making me very suicidal but I have no intention to act on it. I don’t have anything to really act with. I gave my container of ginger to the therapist a few weeks ago. The ones that I have, have proved pointless. Either 100 mg of ginger root is not enough to cause a reaction or I really need the real thing like ginger beer or shaved root.

I met with the therapist yesterday. I had to because I was getting worried I might attempt again. Plus the voices have increased because of the stress or god knows what. Think just worrying that I having a repeat of my episode of 1994 where I was in and out of the hospital with intermittent suicide attempts on the side, one that landed me a two month stay. I didn’t become psychotic during that episode. I am really freaking out because if this does develop into a psychotic depression, I don’t have my psych here to help me guide treatment options. The psychopharm (NP and MD) have wanted to increase the antipsychotic I have been taking for a while now but I have been reluctant. I fear that if they have to play with this medication to get me stable again while my mood is out of order, I think I will have no choice but to go back to the hospital. I would feel better with this being done in an inpatient setting because the voices can be tricky to deal with outpatient. Once they start telling me to do stuff, which they are starting to, I have a hard time ignoring them. They are already making fun of me because I failed in killing myself, again. I haven’t been eating anything all week. I have been drinking Ensure and Gatorade just to make sure I don’t completely lose it. I am slowly losing the will to live. I don’t care about food. My favorite holiday is coming up. A very good friend invited me to her house but I have no idea what kind of shape I will be in. My friend is more like my sister from another mother. We are close and we understand each other. We make each other laugh, especially when we get going with our dirty minds. I am trying to remember to eat something every day but when there is no appetite, it is kind of hard. My food stamps just came in so I can go to the grocery store to get some cold cuts or some ingredients to make something but I don’t really know what I want to cook. I started my grocery order list and it’s almost $200 again. It was just $100 with just my drinks and the few things I buy every month. I have no idea what is in it now. I know I put some ice cream and cookies on there. I will probably take them off. If I go to the grocery store, I will get the chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream I like. Least it will be something in my stomach.

Because I was up in the middle of the night, I gave my T shot so I don’t have to worry about giving it before leaving the house. It is going to be hard when I get to sleep because I have to leave early. I have therapy at noon. I sent my psych an email about how the psychosis is starting to get out of hand and that I don’t trust the providers without her guiding me. This is so flipping hard. It’s been four months since I last saw my psych and started seeing the therapist. I can’t call the therapist “my” therapist because I don’t trust it 100% yet. I am still waiting for her to drop me. She wanted me to write something about the benefits of going to partial hospital. I don’t have much to say about it. I haven’t been to a partial program in more than 10 years. I didn’t like it then and I doubt I will like it now. I don’t want to go mostly due to financial concerns as well as having to be a morning person. I also would have to worry about how this is going to affect my pain levels by being out a minimum of eight hours a day.

Going to try this thing called sleep. It’s almost 4 am. I got to be up in four hours. Yay.