Tag: PTSD

PT Pain and Torture

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT pain and torture

I went out in the snow to my PT appointment and I left with being in more pain than I was. But it was a different kind of pain. I am very sore and can barely move my arm but I got to keep moving it. I am putting heat on it right now to try and soothe it.

After PT, I went grocery shopping. I bought a lot of coffee and just a half gallon of half and half. I also bought some burgers that I will make tonight for dinner. I am supposed to wash clothes but I am hurting too much. I am very depressed and feel like crying. The floor guys didn’t come because the helper has Covid. They won’t be able to work on the areas in two weeks. My mother isn’t going to like this. She was looking forward to going back upstairs this weekend.

I had therapy yesterday and it went ok. We talked a lot about safety as my suicidal levels are high right now due to pain. She wanted me to write it down the things we talked about. I was reluctant at first because it is the same thing over and over again. I added to take medication and she was for it. She asked if I will do the things I wrote and I said I will try it. I probably am not going to call a hotline.

I had zoom with my cousins tonight. One of my older cousins still calls me my deadname and “lady”. I hate that at every meeting I need to remind her of my name and pronoun. I even have it in my zoom profile G (he/him) so I don’t know what the problem is. Fuck. I was telling my therapist yesterday that my mother still calls me daughter, especially for medical stuff. It is so hard to bring up. I feel like she is ashamed of me.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I kept on waking up every few hours in pain. Then I don’t know what happened but my right foot was under my left foot and it (right) jerked, causing my toenails to scratch me. It hurt pretty bad and there is a long scratch on my ankle. My niece put bandaids on it. It is still painful because I have no skin on the bone of my ankle. I don’t know how it happened. So weird. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Journal entry 15022021 1603

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Journal entry 15022021 1603

Having a rough day. Pain in shoulders and neck is making me suicidal. I want to text my therapist but I know she won’t respond. Fucking bugs me.

My left leg has been hurting me since last night. Hammy is killing me and I am having pain in my ankle. I’ve noticed I will get hamstring pain with this ankle pain. I’m so sick of being in pain every day I am in pain. Very depressing. I sent psychiatrist another message about increasing the citalopram. Hope he does. I should be at 60 mg right now but I am at half that dose. This doc doesn’t believe in celexa like I do. Really bothers me.

I half cleared off my bed. I just need to clear my “office” stuff. I should be done tomorrow. I will put the foam topper on in the AM before I leave for PT. That will give it a couple of hours to settle. Ideally, it needs twenty-four hours but I’, going to give it 12 or so.

Tomorrow is supposed to rain and be icy. I got to be careful while I’m out. I don’t want to slip and get another concussion. Taylor Swift is coming out with a new old album called Fearless (Taylor’s version). Not sure if she is going to do all of her albums. The new version is to have 26 songs, 10 not released before. I can’t wait.

I’m so depressed. SO sick of being in pain. Therapist is going to buy managing chronic pain so we can do the exercises together. I told her CRPS is a brain disorder as well as a neuro one so now she thinks it’s important to do the skills and shit. I am so tired. Pain kept me up again last night. Left shoulder kept hurting and then my right arm would fall asleep. I really couldn’t get comfy last night. I did take BT meds and Zanaflex. It’s all that I could do.

I really hope I can go to PT tomorrow. I really want some more of the dry needling so I hurt less. It all depends on how icy it is. I hope I don’t have to change it to a virtual appointment because that will suck. I really need a massage to feel better.

I am in the fence about taking a nap before going to bed. I am just so tired because I took some Zanaflex and it is making me drowsy. I am in a fuck it mood so just been taking whatever to try and ease this pain in my neck and leg. There is supposed to be a storm tonight/tomorrow so I know that is why I am hurting. I fucking hate storms. They always make my pain worse.

document 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Document 6

Lame title I know but I couldn’t come up with something else. I just had my coffee so feel energized to write. I had flashbacks last night and it was pretty terrifying. I tried reaching out to my therapist but she hasn’t responded. I don’t think she will. I hate when I am in a tough spot and she can’t respond to what I am saying. I feel so alone when she does this. But I understand that texting isn’t always the way to go in a crisis. A friend suggested a hotline but I didn’t have the patience to talk to someone about what I am going through. I wasn’t suicidal.

My neck and shoulders are stiff today. I am trying to keep them moving so they loosen up. I got the tingling sensation again in my shoulder where I was dry needled. It is really sore there to touch. I am going to put some ice and then heat on it after I blog.

I am worried about my mother. Her kidneys aren’t functioning like they should. She is 79 years old and has been an insulin user for more than 40 years. I just hope she doesn’t need dialysis eventually. That will be so hard. She recently has been having some trouble sleeping where she wakes up gasping for air. We think she has sleep apnea. She is still recovering from Covid. The disease really sucks as she can be ok for a day and the next be weak and lifeless. I really feel bad for her. I wish there was something more I could do than listen to her bitch about how sick she is, which she has every right to. She sometimes cries and it breaks my heart.

I need to shower today. I am going to try and clear off my bed too. I just need to get organized a little bit. I think taking a shower will wake me up enough to clear my bed. If I can do that, changing the sheets will be an easier task. I still need to go to the butcher’s shop for burgers. I just hope I still have the sandwich pickles that I love. Last time they didn’t have it so I had to get the chips.

My legs feel so sore and I don’t know why. I am having throbbing in my ankle which is my normal. I never have 100% pain relief despite being on pain meds. Most I will get is 80-95% relief from meds. Then I take the breakthrough meds to help get over the hump. Last night I took gaba because I was getting nerve pain in my ankle and foot. Being triggered last night didn’t help my pain one bit. I got really tense in my neck and that just worsened my neck pain. I just killed my shoulder by trying to message it with the palm massager thing I have. I am really hurting now. I just messaged the PT because I am still tingling and she said it would go away by today. I just want to make sure there is no nerve damage going on or something. I got to put heat on it. I am really hurting today with this. Just hope I can go out and do my shopping that I want to do.

more dry needling

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

More dry needling

This is my new stuffy, Jim. He is so soft. A dear friend gave him to me today. It made my day as my day hasn’t been so great as you read along…

I had PT today and more dry needling. The left side hurt like a mofo and still does. It is so sore but the right is tingling. I had to contact the PT to find out if this was normal or not. She said it was as long as it isn’t going down my arm. It isn’t. I am to alternate with ice and heat so am doing that now. It is already starting to feel better so I am glad I called her. She said it is because it is undertreated. I think I only had one area done instead of two and that is why the muscle is angry right now.

I had a good session with therapy. We talked about trauma and how things are with my sister. She gets me triggered which then can make my pain worse because CRPS is a brain condition. So I told her there was a book on managing chronic pain through CBT but I don’t understand some of what the book is trying to teach. She is getting the book so we can go over it. Shit got real. I had to agree to work on this in between sessions and now I am wondering what the fuck did I get into. She said skills is what I need and this is all skill shit.

For the thing I work on I told her I would go through the book and see what I could do. I am overwhelmed with pain right now and am having flashbacks about shit that happened years ago. I am literally terrified that my sister is going to come barging into my room any moment just to scare the daylights out of me. I know rationally she isn’t going to but the fear is there. I am so anxious and it is just worsening my neck pain.

I am supposed to drink a lot of water after the dry needling but I have a love/hate relationship with water. So I just drank a whole 32 oz bottle of Gatorade. I just took my night meds so I hope the Ativan helps some of the tension I am feeling with the PTSD stuff. I am so tired but still kind of fearful. I have been texting my friend about what is going on and it has helped as well as writing it out. I did text my therapist but I don’t think I will hear back from her. It’s too late. Maybe tomorrow.