Tag: recurrent major depression with psychotic features

old D35

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Old D35

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album and there is a song on it called “Old D35”. I like it. It is cool. I love her voice. It is so soothing. Her new album is really cool and different than her previous album. I really like it because it has an upbeat tempo even if the song is sad. There is a song called “It’s ok to be sad” that I absolutely love. The lyrics are so profound yet totally relate worthy. It is like she is giving you permission to feel whatever. It truly is a marvelous song. I wish she would be on the radio more but it is so hard for artists to be on the radio these days, especially female artists.

I was talking to my cousin today. She called me to talk about my upcoming surgery and things. We have a family zoom meeting tomorrow night that I hope to attend. It will be good to see my cousins again. I just hope no one brings up my surgery because I really don’t want to talk about it with a particular cousin that is nuts. She is just so wild I can’t handle her intrusiveness.

My other cousin was to take me grocery shopping today but he had other plans so canceled on me. He said he would take me tomorrow so we’ll see. I just need to pick up somethings as I am out of Gatorade. I want to get some steak and some other things before I place my monthly order. I just hope I can get the flaxseed cereal I like. It will be cheaper in the store than through the app. The new app doesn’t have the things that I like or that the old app had. It makes ordering more difficult as my only large order is getting Powerade/Gatorade. I have to make a list of things that I need to get or I will forget.

Last night I had heartburn pretty bad. I think it is because of sertraline so I didn’t take my dose today. I still got heartburn but it wasn’t as bad as last night. I will skip tomorrow’s dose and see if that quiets things down. I took a shower today and shaved all the parts that needed it. My back didn’t like it. (I didn’t shave my back.) it just flared up with cramps and spasms. I had to sit down quite a few times while in the shower. I swear it was the longest shower because I kept having to sit down to ease the spasms. The hot water didn’t help. My foot flared up and it is still flared up. I feel like my bones are being crushed. I hope the breakthrough med helps. I don’t have anything stronger to take. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight before midnight. Last night I had such trouble sleeping. I didn’t go to sleep until around or after 0230. I was scared I was going to be up all night again. I shouldn’t have trouble tonight because I am tired and sleepy. But I am also feeling anxious because I am thinking of my surgery so I might not fall asleep as quickly as I think I will.

The lab called to schedule my Covid testing. I will be going into Boston to a place I am not familiar with. I think I will take an Uber. Then if I am familiar with the surroundings and feel ok to walk to the train station, I will take public transportation home. I just hope it doesn’t rain that day. I have to be tested to make sure I don’t have the virus for surgery. I am nervous about the testing. I hope it isn’t painful.

trans issues 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trans issues 10

The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.

From Twitter:
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.

I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.

random thoughts 14082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 14082020

I’ve had a productive day as I have been up since 4 am. I woke up wicked thirsty and then couldn’t go back to sleep after I drank the Powerade. I’ve been thirsty pretty much all day for some reason. I finished reading the Bell Jar. The book was about suicide and it was pretty graphic at times about it. I am glad I finished another book. I am going to read Dan Rather’s “What Unites Us” next. I started it a little while ago but never went back to it.

After reading the book, I still wasn’t tired so I made an appointment with my barber to get my haircut. I still haven’t showered yet but I think I will as it has cooled off some. I shaved with my electric shaver so I don’t have to again with the razor. There are some spots that aren’t as close as I would like. I will get them tomorrow when I shave again. I want to use a different razor than the one I have been using.

I had therapy yesterday and made some progress in some things. I figured out that she cares about me and wants me to go back on my medication. She was very adamant about this. She said that once I was on a stable dose of my meds I stabilized and she doesn’t want me to destabilize now. The voices are ramping up but are not bothersome. She wants them to be squashed now before they get out of control in a few weeks time. So I told her I would get in touch with my psychopharm and get back on meds. I am taking just 3 mg of paliperidone again. I hope it works to keep the voices in check. I was taking 9 mg before. I just hope I don’t get side effects like I did before. I told the psychopharm I want the smallest dose possible rather than mid to high range dose. I don’t want to experience what I did a few weeks ago. It was awful and I don’t want to feel that way again.

I got cramps this evening and I don’t know why. They just started a few minutes ago. I hate feeling them because I don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder. I am starting to think of getting a hysterectomy so I will know if it is my bladder or not. But I am scared because that means another operation. I am going to talk to my pcp about it when I see him next.

My back has been spazzing all day. I have been taking muscle relaxers but they don’t seem to do anything like they used to. I hope the Ativan works better. I am so fricken tired all of a sudden. I guess my gas has finally run out. I will be going to bed soon and hope I can sleep. I am in pain but it is manageable right now. My foot and ankle are always hurting but lately they have been hurting more. Last night was terrible. I had to take gaba to help quiet things down. Hope I don’t have to take it tonight. But I might as the pain is getting weird. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up like last night.

Ankle Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ankle pain and other things

Ankle started acting up around 2000. I just came back from the bathroom. I ignored it a little bit but in the end I had to take something for the pain. I couldn’t concentrate it was so bad. I couldn’t read Twitter and learn of the announcement of the VP choice by Biden. I am so happy for Harris. I really like her. She is tough and I think she will make a good VP if elected. I am so fricken worried with the electoral college going to the buffoon instead of who it needs to go to. I hate the electoral college. It’s archaic and should be done with. The popular vote should count. It is all we need. I hope when Biden is in office the college is dismantled.

Sox are sucking tonight. The Rays have scored every inning so far. Pitching sucks so bad. But then we got rid of all our good pitchers and haven’t replaced them so we are just working with those that haven’t been in the big league level before. We got a pitcher but then he went to the “alternative” site for whatever reason. I don’t understand why that happened. He should have made it to the majors. But I am not the GM. I hope he will get called up soon. We need fresh arms.

It hit 90 by the time I got up at 1400. I slept late because I was up in the middle of the night to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I did get up around 0930 to take my morning meds. Then I went back to sleep. I got a text from the pharmacy that my meds are ready. I asked my niece to pick it up but she didn’t so will have to go tomorrow. My mother and sister made chicken cacciatore so I had some of that for dinner. It was a bit thick because my sister didn’t put enough water in it but it tasted good. It will be really good tomorrow as leftovers.

Pollen count has been high the past two days so I have been suffering. My nose was so itchy yesterday and I had the sneezes that never end. Today was more of the same. My nose is so sore from wiping it all day. I hope the count is lower tomorrow when I go out. Grass pollen I am allergic to in this area so I much rather avoid it if possible. I go into my kitchen and sneeze when I am in my room away from the pollen. I hate summer so much. I hate the heat and humidity more than anything. I am grateful I have a somewhat working AC. I need a new one that is energy efficient. I want to get a smart one so I can turn it on through my phone when I am out and am coming home so the room is cool. They are expensive though.

I talk with my therapist tomorrow. She is on vacation next week. A friend asked what will I do if I start having a hard time while she is gone. I told her I have hotlines and the emergency room as my only option, which means I am basically on my own. I rarely use the hotlines and won’t now that I know they will call the cops on you if they think you are serious about being suicidal. No thank you. There is one that doesn’t call so I might call that one. I just hate they don’t have a text number. I would have to actually talk on the phone, something I don’t like doing much of. I will get through whatever crisis on my own. I always do.