Tag: recurrent major depression

pain is lonely

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pain is lonely

I was scrolling through facebook and came across the meme “Pain is lonely” and it struck a cord with me. It is lonely. You have no one to talk to about it that really get it, unless you talk to someone that has the similar chronic pain that you have. I find that even though I talk to my BFF sometimes she doesn’t understand the kind of pain I got through with my ankle and foot. She understands everything else, how pain can make you cranky and tired and not motivate you to do stuff. It is a tradeoff. I rather have some understanding than none.

I got a call from the partial hospital place and they sent me email to fill out and send back. I had to fill out some form using adobe but it was confusing so I just saved it and sent the form. If it is wrong I am sure they will let me know. I have my first meeting at 9 and then group start at 10. Fun. I told them I have an appointment at 2 that I need to keep. It is my therapy appointment. The schedule is DBT based with some creative groups in between. Looks like a regular hospital group program but without the admission.

I went to pick up my prescription because I thought my neurologist changed the order. She didn’t but just gave me more refills. WTF I told her specifically I am taking more than what is prescribed like we discussed. Fuck. I hate when she doesn’t fucking listen. I hope she has it in her notes. Fuck. I am so pissed off.

My mother’s covid test came back negative but she has a cold. Despite me and my sister telling her to wear a mask, she refuses. She wears it around her neck with her mouth and nose exposed. Helpful. Not. I am staying in my room and using sanitizer when I get back to my room just to disinfect my hands. I do not want to get sick. As far as I know, I am the only one that got the flu vaccine.

My neck muscles have been really hurting me today on my left side. It feels like I pulled a muscle or something. I might have slept wrong again. I am going to tell my neurosurgeon when I see him because the pain isn’t going away and I haven’t found much relief. Heat, rest, meds, and stretching have not helped.

I am so tired. I didn’t sleep well again. I woke up around 0230 to pee and stayed in bed for a half hour before I finally got up to go. The urge was there but it wasn’t strong enough so I wasn’t sure if I had to go or not. I should just go anyway rather than lay there wondering. It took me some time to get back to sleep afterwards. I set the alarm for my appointment that was canceled on me due to covid. I am not going to reschedule the test. This is the third time I have had to set up an appointment since my surgery and I am not going through the anxiety again. So fuck it. I am not making another appointment.

going to partial

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going to partial

I had a lengthy conversation with my therapist yesterday about partial hospitalization. She really wants me to go and think it will help me. I was cranky and irritable and that concerned her. I told her I haven’t been eating and she said that was concerning. The whole appointment was a concern for her. I told her I would get in touch with the social worker today about starting the program, which I did. I start Thurs. I should be getting a phone call tomorrow night about how to join as I haven’t received any web information. It starts at 9. Yuck. I think I just have two meetings that day, back to back. Just hope I can make coffee before the meeting. I have two meetings so far for Thurs back to back.

Yesterday I got tested for Covid. I am glad I scheduled the appointment as I was in and out. Otherwise I would have had to wait two hours to be seen. I am still waiting for my results. It was easy to get to and I am glad I was familiar with the area. After the testing, I went to Starbucks and got a Crème Brule latte. It was really sweet and I only got the 2 shots of espresso. I should have gotten three but it is ok. I know for next time.

I am feeling good today. I might shower and shave. My beard is a little on the long side and is irritating when I put my chin down. I think I might just trim it some so it isn’t annoying. I haven’t shaved it in over a month now. I like the results. Sucks with the mask no one can see it outside of the house. I love the feel of the beard under my chin.

I ordered a new calendar today and was not pleased the price went up by 10 bucks. I usually get it for 10 or under. But I like having a calendar I can look at a glance to check in what day is what. Helps me to keep track of the days much better than looking on my phone.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded urodynamic testing. I will be glad to get it over with. It isn’t a pleasant test but it is important. I just hope all is well and I can keep doing what I have been doing. It is a little tough sometimes because I know I still retain and the urge to go isn’t strong at times. Sometimes I will be sitting on the toilet and have to wait more than a few minutes to start urinating. That is so frustrating. Just when I am ready to say the hell with it and cath, I go. So it is worth waiting I guess. I got to figure out what time to leave my house. I think I will leave around 9 so I can get some coffee at Starbucks and maybe something to eat. I have been wanting to have their breakfast sausage sandwich. It is supposed to be cold tomorrow. I am just glad the building isn’t down the street from the hospital this time. It would have taken me forever to walk there with my back the way it is.

I got a lot of worries with my family right now that I wish I could talk about but I can’t. So hard having so much anxiety about this. It definitely isn’t helping the tension in my neck and jaw. I haven’t eaten anything today. I don’t know what I want to eat. I want to nap. Maybe I will be hungry after I have some sleep.

Sunday Blog 06122020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 06122020

Another Sunday has passed through. Weeks keep flying; there is no stopping time. My birthday will be in seventeen days. I am not looking forward to it. I hate my birthday. I like my name day better. No one knows it and doesn’t give me grief about it. I blame my mother for the reason I hate my birthday. All because when I was 16 she threw me a surprise birthday at my grandmother’s house and I had to spend it with people I hated. I wanted to be alone and she didn’t want me to be alone. She is a real bitch. She knew I hated her side of the family. I still do. I want nothing to do with them at all.

I didn’t eat today. I have no appetite. I drank an Ensure so I have something in my stomach other than pills and Powerade. I had coffee and I didn’t even finish that. I am having a lot of pain on my left side of my neck. I took a couple of Ativan to calm it down with some Tylenol. I hope I sleep tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow morning so I can get tested for Covid. My sister tested positive yesterday. I have been staying in my room as much as possible and wearing my mask when I am not in my room.

I did my meds for the week. I really didn’t want to take the Latuda but I don’t want to suffer from withdrawals from it so I took it. I don’t want to take the citalopram either as it isn’t doing much of nothing too. I am not happy that these meds I am taking that are supposed to help haven’t. Least the voices are under control. I hope the psychiatrist doesn’t stop the med because of the mood and leave me hanging for a psych med for the voices. The whole reason I wanted to be on the Latuda was for voices not as a mood stabilizer, for fuck sake.

I am so damn tired. I hope I sleep tonight. My foot is bothering me but it isn’t excruciating like it has the past couple of days. I bought a glycolic wash that I plan to use once I shave my beard. It will be in a the next few weeks as I am getting tired of it. It gets long and then I want to shave it off. It is cold today. I still have the ceiling fan on because it gets hot in my room. I can’t stand it when it is hot. I like being cold in my room. I still have the AC in. It probably will be in year round as I haven’t bothered my brother in law to take it out. The weather has been warm like every other day so it is good that I have the AC in the window. The really cold winter weather hasn’t started. I am grateful for that.

groceries and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Groceries and other stuff

I had my grocery delivery today. I got everything that I ordered and when I was putting the chicken patties away, I saw another package in the freezer. I must have bought them and totally forgot about them. I took out the hamburger rolls from the freezer to thaw out so I could make them but I had meatloaf leftovers instead.

Ankle has been hurting me all day and both foot and ankle got ice cold so I have thermal socks on now. The pain has been bad and has put me in a bad mood. I tried taking a nap earlier and couldn’t settle down enough to sleep. I rested for an hour. I took my BT med around 1500. I gave in to take it. My ankle is now still having the same kind of pain so I might take another one. My feet aren’t hot so I am going to keep the socks on until they are. It is cold in my room but I like it. I still have the AC in the window. My brother in law hasn’t taken it out yet. I got to call and remind him. He has been weirder than usual lately so I don’t want to bother him.

I did the check in earlier today when I wasn’t okay. I wrote a few sentences about it. I couldn’t go into more than that. I used the Dario app. I find that it is sometimes easy to write on it. It gives characters used and a word count which I find useful. I thought about tweeting what I wrote because it was within the character limit but I didn’t. I would have had to figure out how to copy and paste and I didn’t want to.

I have been having cramps for the past couple of hours and it is really annoying because I don’t know if it is the bladder or uterus. I had emptied my bladder a couple of hours ago and it hurt afterwards. I don’t know why. Hope I don’t have an infection. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital to drop off a specimen. If it continues I will get in touch with my PCP over my uro, though I am seeing my uro next week for the urodynamic testing. I am so nervous about it. I hate being exposed and having things stuck in me. It is so triggering for me because of the trauma I went through as a kid for a similar test. Those memories still haunt me. I hated that they refused to let my mother in the room after me screaming for her. I was just so scared me being like 4 or 5 years old.