Tag: suicidality

waking up in pain sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waking up in pain sucks!

I woke up around five this morning in pain. My right shoulder was killing me. I could barely move it, it was so painful. I took some pain meds and some Zanaflex and just waited for it to kick in before going back to sleep. I woke up an hour later having to use the bathroom. I postponed my med alarm to go off at 10 instead of 8 so I could sleep in a little. I still feel like shit. I just had coffee and something to eat.

I don’t know if my mother is coming home today. Doctor hasn’t called my sister yet or talked to my mother. She was in there because her blood pressure was unstable. Then her sugars dropped to the point they needed to give her glucagon. She has been on a sliding scale with her insulin since and her sugars have been more stable. I miss her being home even though it is stressful at times.

I finally was able to put some heat on my side where there are muscle knots. It felt better but then my neck started hurting me and it still continues to hurt. I will try to put heat on later in the day. I really haven’t been doing it the past few days because I have been lazy. I am not sure if I am going to go to the grocery store or not. I need to get Gatorade. I don’t plan on getting more than 10 bottles at a time because that is all I can handle. I do need to get some juice for my mother but that is all.

I feel like all the energy I ever had has been sucked out of me. I feel so lifeless. Everything feels so heavy, my legs and arms especially. I feel so blah and hopeless, like nothing is ever going to change. I have therapy tomorrow and am going to ask her what she meant by saying that I am “in my head”. I really am not looking forward to therapy. She can be such a bitch at times. She wants me to be more collaborative and I am trying. I just don’t think we will ever be on the same side of things. I get she has her experience in the field and knows what may help me. But I don’t think having groups is the answer for me. I am involved in two support groups that have helped me immensely on Facebook, one of which I am the admin for. I haven’t been able to find a mental illness/depression support group that isn’t all about suicide and its members writing how they want to die all the time and no one really supporting them or the members saying they are going to end their life, see ya later type of messages. It really gets me down and makes me feel so helpless because there are so many people suffering like that. I get it because I feel that way too.

I pre-ordered the book Suicidal thoughts workbook by Kathryn Gordon, PhD. I don’t know when it will come out so I just tweeted her. I would love to see if this book helps. Maybe I can get my therapist to get it as well. I’ve been struggling past few days with my suicidal thoughts. I still feel like things would be better if I were dead.

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy

I sent the blog I wrote yesterday to my therapist and she read it before our session today. We talked about it and she explained why she is often “pushy” and one sided in her decision makings. We also talked about ways she could be more collaborative in therapy and more validating. It was a good session. We talked about meeting twice a week for a while and she was open to this.

I have been tired all day. I haven’t been able to nap though. I had two cups of coffee to try and get going. I wanted to change my sheets today but I ran out of gas. My neck hurt too much today to do anything. My ankle was also bothering me so I had a fair amount of pain. There were times when the pain got so bad I wanted to end things right then and there. I thought about sending my therapist a text about it but I never did. She wouldn’t like it. My jaw has been hurting me most of the day. I have been having trouble opening my mouth and my teeth hurt on the top row. I really need to see a dentist to find out what is wrong but I think it is because I am clenching my teeth that is causing me pain. I am under so much stress and tension in my upper body. I know it has to do with trauma and not feeling safe in my own home right now. Too much stuff is happening and it is making me so anxious and hypervigilant. Plus this week is an anniversary week so I am dealing with memories of my past. These memories aren’t intrusive, they are just there and sometimes with the leg pain, causes me to react with PTSD symptoms.

I have a lot of trauma growing up and it is why I have been so tense lately. It centers around my mother and sister. One is old and the other is fairly new. Getting used to living with my middle sister again hasn’t been easy. We fight a lot of the time and often I can’t stand to be around her because she is so quick to anger. She is not physically violent, thank god but she says hurtful things and that is hard to accept. My mother just violates privacy a lot of the time. I still am not over the childhood abuse she did to me. I’ve never talked about it because I am scared to. I think I have the right therapist to help me talk about it though.

Twenty years ago this week I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I had lost function of my legs due to a disc fragment compressing my nerves. I had to have a back operation to get rid of the fragment. I had to relearn to walk, which was tough. It took more than a week for me to move my toes again and gradually feeling and sensation came back. Strength took a little while longer. Then two weeks later I developed a staph infection and became really weak. I was really sick and it was difficult to walk at that point. I couldn’t go as far as I did before. It took a long time for me to recover. All the while I wasn’t working so had financial worries. I had to file for bankruptcy and that gave me some financial freedom for a while. It took me a few years to get back up to 40 hours a week. It took a lot out of me.

Tomorrow I have PT virtually because there is going to be a snow storm. I am not going out in it. I don’t care. It is going to suck because virtual PT is not ideal but there are exercises that can be done at least. Just sucks because I really would love for the PT to massage my neck again.

trauma and recovery and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trauma and recovery

From Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman

I have been reading the book Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman and it has been helpful to see where my trauma has hindered so much of my life. Last night I was reading a chapter about how the client should feel empowered through therapy and only then can they heal. I feel that I am being hindered in my therapy with my therapist because she has her own ideas of what is helpful that doesn’t include my input. I am finding it very difficult to stay connected to her because I am being stifled so to speak. I often don’t feel validated in therapy. I feel like she only gives it as a last resort to things that I say. I am going to ask her tomorrow why she has trouble validating what I am going through. I often feel that she is listening to me and then her saying “ok” doesn’t validate my experience. Just means that she heard what I said. I really don’t want to have to go find another therapist but she is pushing me too much. The last session I had with her she said the depression is making me not want to bother and I need to bother, in regards to calling a chronic pain support group. It made me feel bad because she doesn’t get how severely limiting my depression can be in reaching out for new support. I can’t just put the “bother” aside and do things. That isn’t how things work.

I know I gripe about therapy a lot on my blog but it is how I process what goes on and how I am feeling. Things that happen in therapy stay with me and I go over it to try and deal with it. I have a lot of trauma to sort through and it is still affecting my ability to deal with stuff. My depression is severe and I often think about ending my life. I have been in therapy for nearly thirty years. I think the only thing it has done is keep me alive. I have been hospitalized more times than I can count. I have learned things but sometimes those things don’t come up when I am in a crisis or feeling really bad. This is why I don’t find DBT helpful because when you are in the heat of the moment you aren’t going to reach for a piece of paper or manual for help.

I get so frustrated in therapy because I feel like I am not heard. Right now the therapist is of the opinion that she is the expert and that I should listen to her. I honestly don’t like this. I feel like this is patriarchy. It burns me to no end when I think of what she said when I was at my most vulnerable. I don’t know how to bring this up. Even as I was trying to cancel session she was of the opinion it wasn’t a good idea. That maybe so but don’t I have a right to cancel when I feel like it? She said we should at least check in because of the level of my depression is so severe. So I agreed on that point. I will have a check in with her tomorrow. I don’t know if I will talk about her idea that her being my clinician is best for me. The paternalization needs to stop.

Saturday Blog 06022021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 06022021

Listening to the top 25 country countdown on the radio. My favorite DJ is counting down the hits. I haven’t heard the radio in so long. I just had breakfast. I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 3 lbs. I can comfortably fit into a size 38 pants. I have mixed feelings about this. I am happy I am losing but at the same time I feel like I am not holding up the ideals of what my father drilled into me when I was growing up, that I was fat.

I got to head to the grocery store today. I need to get some coffee. I am running low. I am going to get Starbucks House Blend. That seems to be my favorite coffee right now. I am not sure which store I want to go to. I might go to the big store so they might have the larger count of coffee. I don’t have energy to go right now but I plan on going around noon time.

I’m going to try and clear my bed so I can change the sheets today. I am so behind on doing it. It is so hard to get the energy to do it because I don’t really know where to put the stuff. It just ends up on the floor.

I just came back from food shopping and man it was crowded. People were wearing masks and trying to distance from one another. They didn’t have a large count of my house blend coffee. They had the breakfast blend and the pike but not house. I just bought two packages of the 10 ct of it. I also found brown bread so I bought that. I haven’t had it in a long time. My glasses kept falling off my face when I looked down and were fogging up so it was hard to see.

My binder came today. I wore it while I was out to get used to it. I was sweating so much from it. I hated the sweating part. I wore a light sweatshirt, too. It fit ok but I don’t like the clasps. It is like a bra but it is better than a zipper or Velcro.

I ordered Wendy’s because I wanted their chicken sandwich and chili. I haven’t had it in a long time. I haven’t eaten today other than a bowl of cereal this morning. I need to put more heat on my shoulder and neck. It is starting to flare up again. Carrying up 10 bottles of Gatorade didn’t help me. The UberEats driver is making a delivery before mine so my food is going to be cold by the time he gets here. I am not happy!

I am feeling depressed today. I am listening to my country mix playlist. I haven’t listened to it in a long while. I am so tired and I am hangry because my food isn’t here yet. Will be a half hour or so before it gets here. Wonder if there are Cheez its in the cabinet? I am hungry dammit.