never ending. It just goes on and on

Never ending. It just goes on and on

I’m trying to settle down for sleep but a new pain keeps popping up when I lie down, when I sit up, when I take my meds, when I move it, etc. It is fucking never ending. I am not doing a damn thing tomorrow, least that is the plan for now.

I sent an email to my psychiatrist asking her if I was a difficult patient. I briefly discussed my therapy session with my therapist and that the therapy group down the hall from him contacted me. Unfortunately, it got filtered to my junk mail so I didn’t get it until I got home. My phone doesn’t get junk mail for they could be viruses embedded in what they send. Last thing I need is a virus on my phone.

I just sent an email to my neurologist asking her if she could help me out by confirming that I do indeed have CRPS as my PCP just wants to pass me off to another doctor. I am tired of seeing new doctors who aren’t helpful and then just want to pass me off or not treat/see me anymore. I see my neuro in two weeks. It was kind of a long email but I don’t care. My stupid phone kept on inserting different words as I typed, which annoyed the crap out of me. I should have just typed it on my laptop so I wouldn’t get aggravated. Lesson learned.

My foot feels like it is being strangled. There is such a pressure on it like it’s going to burst. I am so tired that I am reaching the over tired stage, which is dangerous because I could catch my second wind and then be up all night. I took an Ativan because along with the strangulation, my ankle is pulsating. The little muscles are twitching. This condition is so frustrating because there is never ending different kinds of pain. I wish I could see a doctor at this hour so they can see or I can try to explain to them what living with this condition is like. All I can do is send them an email and then not get a response. But at least by writing it out, it helps me because at least I have documentation that I wrote this to a doctor.

I still am shocked that in the great medical hub of Boston, I have not found a doctor that is willing to help me. Sure, my PCP gives me pain meds to alleviate my pain. I appreciate that. But he doesn’t want to stop there. Right now my diagnosis is in the air and it is making everything seem like we haven’t tried enough. I am tired of this merry go round. I want off. I asked my neuro if she could possible give me a concrete diagnosis and staple it on my PCP’s head. Well, I didn’t say that. But if she could send a note to him saying I have this dreaded condition, then maybe I don’t have to see yet another new doc. There is no treatment for this condition. I know this. My PCP knows this, my neuro knows this. But opioids help me and if I don’t have them, I am good as dead. I have exhausted physical therapy. I have tried injections. I have tried rest. This is no longer a case of tendonitis. It is deeper than that.

The pain is changing all the fucking time, all over my ankle, foot, toes, bones. It hurts every where. Normally, at this hour, I would be writing a morbid story about ending my life. That is what this blog was about. My suicidal thoughts in the cybersphere. But then one day someone took it too far and called the cops on me so I no longer talk about those things, even though it relieves the tendencies to act. Thoughts are NOT the same as feelings. And feelings does not mean act upon them. It is okay to feel. It is ok to think. Here is a quote from the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman that I had the pleasure of talking to him before he died.

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I write these blogs because I still am struggling night after night, day after day. Pain increases my vulnerability to think of self-destruction. I have the means though no one talks about restricting them. I told my psychiatrist I have something that will end my life but still, she doesn’t ask about it when I see her. She never does. Poor assessment of risks. So does my therapist who knows damn well that I have chronic suicidal thoughts. It makes me angry that I am not treated the way I was with my former therapist, Bozo. She was annoying, I will give her that, but she fucking cared and if I had a method she damn well tried to take it away from me the best she could. I really miss her. Yesterday was her birthday. I wonder if I will be alive to see mine. I really am surprised that you CAN get anything off of Amazon. While I was searching for my method, they had machetes. Machetes!! I don’t think I would have the will power to use it to chop my ankle off but I know a chainsaw would do the job. I refuse to search for it because I know in my darkest of moments, I may just buy it. I’ll go all Scarface on my ankle and groin to sever my artery.

I am once again plagued by dark thoughts. All because I can’t sleep and I am in pain that is never ending. It just goes on and on.

home, Finally

Home, Finally

It has been a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking my pain meds. Despite feeling suicidal and having a crappy day yesterday, I was able to get discharged from the treatment team. To my surprise, they didn’t even ask if I was ready to go, they basically said I was going. I wanted to go home too.

I texted my cousin and she picked me up after lunch. It was really muggy out. We had to walk to the security building so I could get my wallet as I had it locked up when I got admitted. I didn’t want to risk someone stealing my money or credit cards. The floor gave me the wrong copy to retrieve it so they had to send someone with the right copy. We didn’t hit any traffic until we got to my main street. There was construction so there was backup. Taking the bus tomorrow is going to be fun.

I brought my mail and stuff up to my room and put the AC on soon as I settled down. It was quite hot in my room. I didn’t check the temp because I knew it was going to be high. I fiddled with Twitter and then I got some really sad news. The lead singer in my favorite band, Linkin Park, died by suicide. I was crushed. He was my age. The band just came out with a new album a few months ago and was set to start off a tour. It’s awful, so awful. I started tweeting out the suicide hotline and crisis text support number. One of my friends who I talked to this morning, messaged me to see if I heard. I told him I did and he came out with a meme. I asked him how he was doing as he liked the band as well. We were exchanging lyrics with the new album when it came out. I feel so devastated that there is not going to be anymore new music. Now I know how Nirvana fans felt when Kurt Cobain died.

I had a lot to eat today and my stomach is paying the price for it. I think the combination of the new med and Neurontin is sending my appetite into overdrive. All I want to do is eat. I hope now that I am home, I won’t be so hungry all the time as I will be back to my own routine, though having to make myself food every day is going to suck. But I rather make my own than be in the hospital.

I am so tired. Think I am going to go to bed early. Ankle is already starting to act up on me. Hope this isn’t going to be a long night. I see my psych tomorrow. I didn’t cancel the appt though I did want to. It’s going to be as hot tomorrow as it is today. Yuck.

Out of memory

I had 21 updates to my apps on my phone and nearly half of them didn’t go through because I don’t have enough internal memory on my phone. I just spent the last half hour trying to make space and didn’t get anywhere. Will have to go through my apps and see what can be transferred to my external memory card.

I had such a hard time last night that I barely remember freaking out. I didn’t get discharged today as it was too soon, I’m suicidal, and they want to see if the new med works. I wish the doc I had today was the regular doc. He is so easy to work with. He changed the med order so I can have one of my pain meds every 6 hrs up to 4 times a day. I’m glad or I would have insisted on being discharged. 

I so wish I brought some shorts rather than long pants. It’s hot on the unit as the AC isn’t working well. I hate being hot. The only pair of shorts I have are my Jean shorts which is not very comfy after a while. 

I’m still in a lot of pain. My ankle crapped out on me in the morning so had to wear the AFO the rest of the day. Even then, it didn’t stop my ankle from hurting but did prevent me from having to limp. I’m really fluctuating between feeling ok and intensely suicidal. I still want to purchase my lethal method Amazon. I think I told the doc what I planned on doing. Tomorrow I will have the regular doc that can be temperamental with me. So far, no one has shown me any coping skills to help me deal with the pain and suicidal urges. I think the social worker is useless. I so wish I had the team I had my last admission. They were great and actually wanted to help me.

I’m kind of feeling dissociative tonight. I just feel so spacey and like things are out of reach. I also feel really hopeless. I was talking to a gay woman who is married to a transman. We exchanged contact info tonight. It was good talking to her tonight as she gets it. I told her I planned on changing my name soon. It was a hassle for her husband but glad it was done. I just hope I can have the guts to do it. It will be a big step for me.

I am so not used to writing my blog from my phone or my Kindle. I mostly use the WordPress app to check my stats. Not write blogs. Stupid phone likes to change words on me so I have to really pay attention while writing. Today I have zero tolerance for errors so I am getting frustrated. 

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

I have been reading CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts edited by Craig Bryan, PhD and these are my thoughts about the book by chapter. I also describe what each chapter is about.

Chapter 1: Deals with the problem of suicide and how it’s on the rise. It also describes the difficulty of knowing what works and what doesn’t. The authors goes on to what the book is about and how CBT has been shown to be useful in some clients with suicide ideation.

Chapter 2: Describes the dreaded nomenclature of suicide attempts, ideas, suicidality, etc. The authors describe how the term SDV (self-directed violence) is a more accurate term and also other terms to decide pathways on treatment protocols. They term the entire suicidality as SDVCS-Self-Directed Violence Classification System. It is used by three large federal organizations- the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention), the VA (Veterans Administration), and the DOD (Department of Defense).

This chapter gives good examples of how different researchers, clinicians, and other professionals can use this classification system. I didn’t review the system pathways and yes/no guidelines because terms don’t mean that much to a suicide attempt survivor writing about my lived experience. I’m either suicidal or I’m not. I don’t need to classify and put myself into a category. But if you are a clinician/researcher or other academic interested in suicide prevention, the nomenclature is pretty good and better than what Silverman et. al. proposed in 2007 a and b (see this blog post on my thoughts about their terms).

Chapter 3 deals with what works and what doesn’t in suicide risk. It talks about studies pertaining to talking therapies and psychopharmalogical treatment of suicidal behaviors. I found this to be more of a review of what I know as of right now in terms of evidence based practices (EBP) and what is not. Some studies were really small and others were large. Most centered around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as that is a high risk group. What I found upsetting is that those with bipolar disorder or those that were psychotic were excluded from most of the studies. As I suffer from psychosis and bipolar disorder, my participation would not be included and I find that disappointing, especially since bipolar disorder and other psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia have a higher incidence of suicide than major depression alone.

Chapter 4 was an eye opening chapter that I really liked. It talked about all of the suicidologists that I have been following for the past eleven years. It discusses different theories and models of suicide and risk assessment. It also discusses protective factors of suicide such as reasons for living/dying. I found this chapter to be really good and a lead off to how all of the things talked about lead to the next chapter, which is a case example.

Chapter 5: In this chapter, a case is described step by step of a suicidal older gentleman and the cognitive steps, consent, etc. are used by a play by play dialogue. Things like safety planning, coping cards, and hope kit are discussed in detail and how to implement them in therapy using cognitive therapy.

Chapter 6 talks about a brief cognitive behavior treatment (BCBT) for inpatient units called PACT (Post Admission Cognitive Therapy). It discusses the criteria for engaging patient, pros/cons of treatment and how not everyone may be suitable for this type of treatment, e.g., those with active psychosis/mania.
It would be good if this could be implemented but as the treatment is 5-6 days and on average most admissions are 3 days, I don’t see how this is to be helpful. Discussion of staff resistance and burnout are also discussed.

Chapter 7: This was very interesting as I’ve never really read about military psychotherapy before. The chapter gives specifics on how to approach a veteran or active military personnel in crisis or dealing with suicidal thoughts. It talks in detail about Brief Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (BCBT) and the steps per session. Not all persons will respond within the 12 sessions. It is individualized for each person. The chapter also talks about hot to discuss lethal means safety and means restriction (see chapt 9 for more information; e.g., gun safety in particular). When the sessions are down to the last two and command of previous exercises are demonstrated to be efficient, end of therapy is initiated. Booster sessions are discussed in case of future crises should happen. I found this therapy to be specific not only for military but can be used for any type of suicidal behavior. It’s a collaboration between therapist and client.

Chapter 8: Emergency departments are the top places suicidal people end up, either with an attempt, ideation, or crisis. Sadly, if the right precautions are not set (e.g., inpatient care or some type of follow up care), individuals are more than likely to die by suicide.
This chapter talks about the challenges and brief interventions that can be initiated so that death by suicide does not occur after a visit. The authors describe specific suicide safety planning that is individualized for that person to help them cope with stress that makes suicide appealing. It also gives crisis numbers, either a trusted person they can talk to in time of need and/or the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255, text 741741 (US only)). Once a little role play is done and the individual can demonstrate they will use this plan, patients are discharged to follow up outpatient care.
Only trouble I have with this approach is that not all EDs are equipped with mental health professionals and don’t have the 30-45 minutes or so it would take to implement the safety plan, even though it is crucial this should happen.

Chapter 9: As more and more evidence is building that suicidal individuals are seeing a primary care provider prior to death by suicide, it’s become imperative that PCPs have the training to ask patients for means restriction. The author suggests several ways to initiate the conversation and lists steps to do this. If patients are resistant, the use of motivational interviewing techniques are employed. The end result is a means restriction receipt where PCP and patient have agreed to restrict their lethal means. If possible, a supportive person is asked to help secure the means.

Chapter 10: This chapter talks about the use of psychotropic medication and the use of CBT or BCBT in suicidal patients. To date, there has not been studies where therapy and medication has been shown to be effective in reducing suicide risk. It is suggested that despite the thoughts and black box warnings of the FDA, suicide ideation is still likely to occur of not treated or dealt with at the beginning of pharmacological treatment. The author also discusses the risk of substance use and dependence disorders that can increase the risk of a suicide attempt. PTSD has also been discussed as hyperarousal states can increase suicide risk.

Concluding thoughts: Overall, I found this book to be extremely helpful, concise, and important in the prevention of suicide attempts. With the right intervention at the right time, Brief CBT can help decrease the suicide risk and possibly the overall suicide rate.