Tag: therapist

not good enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Not good enough

I had a difficult session with my therapist. She wanted to know why I didn’t text her when I was feeling suicidal thoughts but did to let her know I was in the ED. She said that I was “struggling” and thing is I really am not. I don’t know what the disconnect is. She keeps assuming things instead of asking how things are. Then she asked what I was going to do when I feel suicidal again and I told her I will manage. She said that wasn’t good enough. I got so frustrated at this point and I got mad. I don’t know what she wants from me. Her response always requires a different answer and I don’t have time to figure it out. I just try and figure things out as things come at me. I feel differently about things. I never feel the same about things. I might want to listen to music by someone specific or I might just want some group with no particular rhyme or reason. I might not want to listen to music. I might want to write instead. It all depends on the level of perturbation I am feeling that will drive what I do to cope. Last resorts will be to call a hotline.

It really bothered me that my therapist said this level of coping wasn’t good enough. I don’t know what she was looking for. I try and do the best I can when I am hit with the darkness and if that isn’t good enough, well, fuck you. I have decided that I am not going to text my therapist anymore. She doesn’t want me to anyways unless it is appointment related. I don’t know why I bother when it isn’t what she wants so I just won’t do it anymore.

Saturday Blog 30052020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 30052020

Last few days have been rough. I haven’t been feeling well, emotionally or physically. Things just seem to be out of my grasp in handling them. I feel so low and the recent events of out west with George Floyd have hurt so much. I can only imagine the pain his family must be going through. I am glad the officer got arrested but more needs to be done. This cannot continue to happen but I know that it will. There are too many racists cops out there and people as well.

My ankle has been hurting me the past few days. It has been driving me up a fricken wall. Nothing I do helps it. I just been taking neurontin because the pain meds haven’t been touching it. Sucks when nothing helps your pain. It has been bringing me down. My back has also been bothering me with cramping up a storm. I have to take Zanaflex, which makes me sleepy. I have slept all day today because I was so tired. I have been waking up in the middle of the night because I had to pee or because of a weird dream. It gets so tiring. I have to cath most times because the urine urge isn’t strong enough. That has been irritating me, both physically and mentally. I know I still have the UTI. The NP called saying she had to switch antibiotics because it wasn’t effective. Now I am on the right one I hope to feel better soon. I feel so washed up it’s not funny. I wish there was a way to make things stop hurting. There is but no one wants me to do it.

I reached out to a friend the other night when I was feeling low. We have only just met on Twitter and been talking the past few months. She is a good person to talk to. She is almost like a shrink with her questions, LOL. I appreciate her though. It helps to talk to someone who gets it. She encouraged me to reach out to my other friends and I did. It was helpful.

I bought a new electric toothbrush. I feel like I would brush my teeth better with an electric one than a manual. It was on sale on Amazon for $20 so wasn’t bad. I just got to bring it downstairs so I can use it. It needs to be charged though. I think there is enough power in it for one brush though. I am dying to use it to see how I like it. It is a sonic toothbrush. I hope I do like it.

I wrote a letter to my therapist the other night about how things have been going. I think she read it. She didn’t respond to it, but then I wasn’t expecting a response. I told her about the difficulty of meeting virtually. I felt that was important for her to know as I am often so damn quiet because my thoughts are blank. I am not really thinking of anything, I just blank out. I don’t know if it is just the technology or what but it is so hard to focus on things when on the computer. Even when I am blogging I space out. But then I can always go to the internet to pass time. I can’t do that when you are talking to someone. That is just rude. I think there will be a way to work it out virtually but it will take some doing. I think she needs to ask more questions other than “what is going?”

I need a haircut!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I need a haircut!

I need a haircut. My hair is getting so long and I don’t like it at all. The top keeps sticking up, looking like a mop. My barber said there will be some changes to the shop. He will have appointments only, no more walk ins. This is to reduce the number of people in the shop. He hopes to implement this next week. I cannot wait for to see him again. I really miss him. He is such a good guy.

I had my appointment with my therapist the other day. She wants me to join a DBT group to help the intense feelings I get, particularly the suicidal feelings. I said I would be for some of it as I don’t believe in the whole thing. She said that was fine as long as I tried. I don’t know how this is going to be around my surgery but we’ll see. I don’t know how fast this will be. Everything is virtual so we’ll see.

Been thinking of writing my therapist a letter. I am not sure what to write but I know there is some things I want to communicate with her that I can’t seem to do in session. I am hesitant to write it for fear she won’t read it and my words will be wasted. It has happened before. I just don’t know how to word what I want to say. I want to tell her that this virtual thing isn’t working out as I am finding it difficult to talk. I am sure she has noticed but she tends to believe that I don’t want to talk, period. That isn’t the case. I just blank out where nothing is on my mind and I can’t seem to think of anything to say. Maybe she can ask questions and that will help break the ice, so to speak. I don’t know what else to do. Therapy is so hard and she is a real hard ass.

I am out of my breakthrough meds so I don’t know what I am going to do when pain hits. My doc hasn’t called in a refill I requested on Tues. I sent another request but haven’t gotten a response. I even sent a message asking if they have received it. No response from that either. I feel so bad that this has happened. My doc is usually good about prescriptions. I am sure there is some mess up with the computer. It is the only explanation.

The UTI symptoms have not gone away. I am still getting strong urges to pee. Sometimes I make it to the bathroom, other times I dribble. I hate when I dribble. I still don’t have complete control when I have an infection. When I don’t have an infection, I need ransom money to get the urine out. It is terrible. This is when I have to cath. I hate it. Makes me feel so disabled. I don’t talk about this in therapy because I feel like my therapist isn’t interested in what I have to say about it. There are a lot of stuff I don’t feel comfortable talking about with my nerve injury. My previous therapist I could talk to about it and it was validating. Lately I have been feeling like I don’t want therapy anymore. I just don’t get the point when nothing changes. I still feel the same way about things. I try to implement skills that I have learned but it is hard in the moment to do so. I just feel like I am wasting my therapist’s time. It is so damn difficult to open up to her at times. I don’t know if it is me or her. I know she is a good therapist but at the same time I am starting to question whether she is right for me. I have been seeing her for almost a year. A long time but also been through a lot.

you deserve to be treated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You deserve to be treated

Those were the parting words of my therapist today after we talked about how my father said that I gotta die when I am sick. We deduced that he is flawed and not mental as she couldn’t know him. He died four years ago, long before she was my therapist. I know he was narcissistic and a pathological liar. I should have known he was lying but when your 11, you tend to believe your parents and what they say. You really don’t know if they are lying and even if they are, you can’t prove it. You were always told to respect your parents and that is what you did, no matter how wrong it seemed.

We also talked about my suicidality. She brought it up. I was going to but didn’t really want to. She asked what I was going to do if the feelings came up again over the weekend and I said I would cope like I usually do. That was the wrong answer as she shook her head. I don’t know why but apparently calling a hotline is the answer. I don’t think so but whatever. Sometimes it is good to call one but most of the time I just don’t have the patience to wait for someone to connect on the line. Even texting can be a pain as you wait for someone, especially during “peak” hours. Most of the time I get annoyed and then hang up or text cancel or stop. I am usually too agitated to stay on the line.

I had my meeting with my pcp. It went well but I didn’t ask for a pain med increase. It was on my mind but I was too chicken to ask. He asked a few times if there was anything I needed from him but I just couldn’t bring it up. He doesn’t want me to be on the meds to begin with and I find that it hinders my conversation about my meds. But the fact of the matter is I have pain and until that is dealt with on some level, I need to be on the meds that I am on. I can’t just stop taking it because he doesn’t want me on them. He does want me to go to the pain clinic for an evaluation, just to talk. But because of Covid, making an appointment is hard. I don’t know if I would be seen in a timely manner if at all at this point. I know once places reopen it might be better to call and ask for an appointment. Sucks because I got the ride now to take me there. I have it for another few months and then I will have to reapply for assistance. I don’t know if I will get a letter or not. I just need to be aware of the time frame. I only got six months because of my surgery. I don’t know if it will be longer when I reapply.