Category: depression

not good enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Not good enough

I had a difficult session with my therapist. She wanted to know why I didn’t text her when I was feeling suicidal thoughts but did to let her know I was in the ED. She said that I was “struggling” and thing is I really am not. I don’t know what the disconnect is. She keeps assuming things instead of asking how things are. Then she asked what I was going to do when I feel suicidal again and I told her I will manage. She said that wasn’t good enough. I got so frustrated at this point and I got mad. I don’t know what she wants from me. Her response always requires a different answer and I don’t have time to figure it out. I just try and figure things out as things come at me. I feel differently about things. I never feel the same about things. I might want to listen to music by someone specific or I might just want some group with no particular rhyme or reason. I might not want to listen to music. I might want to write instead. It all depends on the level of perturbation I am feeling that will drive what I do to cope. Last resorts will be to call a hotline.

It really bothered me that my therapist said this level of coping wasn’t good enough. I don’t know what she was looking for. I try and do the best I can when I am hit with the darkness and if that isn’t good enough, well, fuck you. I have decided that I am not going to text my therapist anymore. She doesn’t want me to anyways unless it is appointment related. I don’t know why I bother when it isn’t what she wants so I just won’t do it anymore.

Saturday blog 06062020

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am in a lot of physical pain so I am just going to leave you guys with a pic of Lucy, a senior dog at Pasadena humane Society . I don’t know the breed but if you go on their website, I am sure they will have it. Sharing a shelter dog in Hope she gets adopted.

weird happenings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Weird happenings

I have been feeling off all week. Wed I contacted my surgeon and he said to go to the ED to get evaluated. I got evaluated alright, complete with MRIs. I got there and I felt like I was going to collapse. They had put me in the least but fastest track in the ED. Until they took my blood pressure and labs. Then it was thought I needed to be monitored a little more closely. I went to the Acute part of the ED and was hooked up to monitors and stuff. I was given antibiotics because my white count was very high, indicating infection of some sort. Nothing has revealed itself to be the source of infection though so I am not sure what is going on. My labs yesterday were better but my white count was still high. I mostly stayed awake in the ED and when I came home yesterday, I couldn’t crash right away. It took some time for my body to settle down. I was so overtired.

I still haven’t gotten my blood culture results yet. All the rest of have come back negative. My urine is clean and so is my chest. They did a chest x-ray yesterday to rule out pneumonia or another lung ailment. I feel crappy but I talked with the PT yesterday and she said it could be that I am deconditioned and that is why I feel so crappy. I think I do have something going on with the fluid collection that is making me tired. I don’t know what will happen now. I got to be in touch with my neurosurgeon and see what the plan is now. I am to start outpatient PT again. I plan on calling next week to see if my PT is available. She is really good and I rather see someone that knows me than someone new.

The weird part of this infection that I got is that I am not running a fever. I just feel worn out and sluggish. I got back pain with it but I think that has to do with the surgery than anything. I was completely feeling rotten yesterday from lack of sleep and I think I am on the mend now. I just hope the antibiotics work and I don’t need to be on them again.

I did feel uncomfortable in the ED because I kept on getting misgendered. No one asked what my pronouns were so they just assumed I was female, even though my chart says the opposite. Usually they are really good but not everyone was up to reading my chart I guess. The ED RN was really good. She found me a turkey sandwich. It was nice of her to do that. She said I was her nicest patient for the shift. I guess her first one had tried to hit her. I feel bad for these RNs that have to deal with violent patients. Doesn’t make the night a good one. I tried not calling her for things if I could avoid it. She did check in on me every so often so that helped. I couldn’t sleep at all while I was there. I was up for over 24 hours. I just lost track of time.

I just wanted to shower when I came home from the hospital. I did and regret it as I couldn’t go on. I felt so weak and tired. I don’t know how I managed to get dressed. I felt like I was in there for more than an hour just trying to get dressed. It was awful. I didn’t put on my PJs. It was too hot. I just went to my room in my underwear. Luckily, my nephew didn’t see me.

Feeling sicker

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up feeling great but it didn’t last. The last few minutes of therapy I was feeling like I do now, lightheaded and sleepy. I think it is because of spinal fluid buildup. If I feel this way tomorrow, I am going to call the surgeon. It is an awful feeling. It is almost like syncope. Blood pressure has been stable though. I’ve been checking it and I have no temp. I just feel like crap.

Therapy went well. She helped give me some things to help control the boredom as I am not on social media that much due to present circumstances. I going to do somethings but I started feeling ill. I ended up taking a nap and just as I was drifting off, back pain increased. I still am hurting. I made my breakfast and took a shower so I am paying for it. Here it is hours later and I am still hurting. I cave in and took a zanaflex. It is the only thing I can think of to settle down the cramping. I’ve been trying to increase fluids but I am not that thirsty. So many things to keep track of. I had cereal for supper because I can’t cook right now. It would only increase my pain.

I want to change my sheets. Going to work on that tomorrow after I get my haircut. I am so excited to finally get it cut. I just hope my barber hasn’t increased the price because of the pandemic. He has been out of work for 3 months or so. Long time. He does a good job though so I think he will be ok once he is back to the swing of things. He has a new way of setting up haircut appts. He had to because of the regulations surrounding the pandemic. I just hope I did the right time for tomorrow. Be sucky to get there and not have a time.

Weather is supposed to be warm tomorrow. Will be good to get out. I want to get a donut so bad. Been craving one for a while. I will get it on the way home.