midnight ponderings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Midnight ponderings

Tuesday night was very difficult for me. I was in a lot of pain and processing stuff that went on in my appointment with the urologist. I was feeling pretty depressed that self-cath is now present in my life and will continue to be for some time. Then I got into an argument with my family that night and my mood went from sour to suicidal quick. I planned on taking my life after I saw my therapist today. I brought the stuff with me as well as getting some stuff ready in case it didn’t work and I was put in the hospital. I packed a light bag and left for the bus stop.

I am not a morning person. I just remember traveling on the bus and then picking up my coffee with a little time to kill before I had to board the train to get to the therapist’s office. I was not all present while meeting with the therapist. I kept zoning out, partly because I was so suicidal. She asked me if I was going to act on it and I must have indicated that I was. Then she asked, twice, if I had ginger on me. Things at that point became fuzzy. I know I went into my bag to get the ginger to give it to her and then everything else was sort of a blur. She said that I would have to be evaluated and be inpatient. She had to call security to take me to the ED as she didn’t think she could trust me. We talked about baseball while we waited. I have no idea why I told her I was going to end my life and that I had the stuff with me to do it. I honestly am so fucking mad at myself for doing something so stupid.

The ED didn’t think I had enough intent to be inpatient so they offered partial hospital which I am supposed to start in six hours. Guess what, it isn’t going to happen. I would have to leave my hour in about four hours to get to where I needed to be. I honestly have no idea how to get there by T. I am just going to skip the appointment and hope that police don’t show up at my door. Therapist will be mad but I don’t care. I left the ED after five hours. I hope to god it is my last visit there this year. I hate the ED.

Soon after I left, my psych emailed me asking if I was ok. I thought that was odd. I answered it right away without thinking. I never got a response. I just sent her an email a couple of hours ago telling her I have another bladder infection and this time I am not taking the antibiotics. I am already feeling crappy physically. I know it is only going to get worse. My blood count is up from the last time I had my CBC drawn. It is only going to be a matter of time before the infection hits my blood stream. I am banking on this and it causes me to die.

The NP psychopharm I see foolishly put that I have borderline personality disorder as my “issue”. I don’t meet the criteria so I have no idea what she is basing this on. If she is basing it on past history, I still have no idea how that is relevant today! Just pisses me off because once those things are there, they cannot be removed. Just like the “female to male transgender person” “issue”. I don’t have an issue being FTM and I honestly still have no idea why the fuck the computer system would put that on. It just makes me so damn mad.

When I came home, my ankle exploded. It kind of went off a little bit while in the ED but soon as my foot was resting, it exploded and I have been in pain since. I have tried different meds and now it is just a waiting game as to when exhaustion will hit and I will collapse. I took the “substitute” anxiety pill so I will be knocked out the next few days, just on one fucking pill. I take this med sparingly because I don’t like it at all. I meant to tell her today about it but I forgot. The NP came by the ED to talk to me. She thinks I am seeing her next week but it is the week after. I can’t see her next week and I sure as hell am not seeing the therapist. I am mad as hell at her for wasting my time in the ED.

I need to shower sometime later today. I sweat so much yesterday it wasn’t funny. I was drenched. It was fairly warm and I was over dressed. My hair feels so yucky and the NP that told me I had a bladder infection wants me to take a shower after every bowel movement. In a perfect world, that might be doable but for someone with chronic pain, it is very exhausting. I haven’t showered since the weekend, so almost a week now. I just can’t motivate myself enough to do it. The therapist changed my diagnosis to recurrent major depression with psychotic features. I was thinking it was treatment resistant depression. The psych NP has persistent depressive disorder, which I didn’t even know existed. Either case, I am depressed. I am not bipolar anymore or maybe I never was.

Over the weekend, I sent my psych a pic of me smirking because I felt “devilish”. I told her I had met my aunt and said how she was doing as she is not going to be around much longer. She stopped eating two weeks ago so her time here is coming to an end. I am sad about this. I also gave a description about how my care has been going in her (my psych’s) absence. My psych responded that I wrote elegant and eloquent. And this is why I miss her so much. She values my writing where the other two women in my team do not. They don’t even see my writing as a tool to help me get better. And you know why they don’t know of this? Because they don’t ask! Maybe I did tell them I am a blogger but they don’t want me to do solitary things. Writing is solitary; you can’t get it done otherwise. But it is meant to be shared. And that is what brings me joy, or used to anyways. I am fighting the urge not to write as I am typing this because I think my words have no meaning anymore. A few of my readers have “fact checked” that for me and it is false. I have to try and keep this voice going as much as it is paining me right now because if I don’t, I fear I will lose myself in a way that I am not sure I can ever come back from. I have comeback from so many things. I am not sure I can come back if I get away from my writing. It is so very important to me even if I story tell about my day and how it went down. I think it is boring but maybe someone else finds it interesting. I don’t know. I want to thank YOU my readers for not allowing me to stop my writing. I now right now it is infrequent but I am working on changing that Because of YOU. You mean a lot to me because without you, there would be no blog. So thank you. I hope you are sleeping as it is almost 0300 EST. Take care until we meet again.

Tuesday’s thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Had an appt with urology today. There was some paperwork I had to fill out before the visit. Last question was about how my urinary problems are now affect me. I put terrible because self-catherizing is no fun. I am waking up in the middle of the night nearly every fricken morning to empty my bladder. It has worsened my depression. So the doc went over things with me. She said to empty my bladder via cath before sleeping so it is completely empty. I’ve done this at different times before midnight and I am still up between 3-4 am to empty because I am uncomfortable. I also think right now I have an infection. Urinalysis was very positive but until the culture comes back nothing can be done. I haven’t had to cath today because the urge to go has been so strong so I know there is infection. I asked the uro if my disc is causing this and she asked what does my neurosurgeon say. Been too scared to see him. So made an appt today as the uro was going to email him. I am to follow up with the doc’s NP in a month.

I’ve been getting emails from the medical supply company wanting me to refill. Guess my slim chance this was all a dream has been shattered. I will order more caths tomorrow. Don’t feel like it today. My mother asked me if I still had the catheter in me and I said no. She then asked what the green thing in the trash was so I told her what they were. Don’t think she understood me. She just shook her head.

Dammit. I’ve been peeing nearly every fricken two hours since coming home. I haven’t had much to drink. Had three meatballs from the other night. That has been the only thing I’ve had to eat the past 24 hours. I’ve been trying to eat but I got no appetite at all. Weighed myself this morning. I am still the same as I was last week. I had to put more holes in my belt as I couldn’t get it tight otherwise.

I have therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. Had a bad night last night I was hallucinating in session. Hate when I have dreams like that. The uro wants to email the psychopharm. No idea why. Not like she can do much. She is going to email my pcp to let him know about what is going on as well as getting me into some therapy for the medical trauma I had when I was small. I asked if this was just therapy I can be doing with the therapist I see but she didn’t have an answer for me. Guess I will find out sooner or later. I had sent a text to the therapist saying how bad the pain was she said she was sorry. I didn’t say much about what transpired over the last few days. Not sure I will let her know when I talk with her tomorrow.

I am fricken exhausted. I snoozed in between voiding this afternoon. I hope I can still sleep tonight. I’ve been suicidal on and off all day. Rain is in the forecast all week. Hasn’t been too cold though. Rather have rain than snow anyway. My mother put the heat on so my room is fricken hot. I still have the AC in my window. Hoping with the weather clearing this weekend my bro in law can take it out. Would be good to get cold fresh air in my room.

staying the course

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Staying the course

I realized this past week how grateful I am that I had a doc that listened and cared who also didn’t treat every symptom I have with meds. I am not sure where this “team” and I are going. Seems everyone wants to be captain and not a 1st officer. I know the waters are wicked stormy and all I want is to go down with the ship. Trying to stay the course but it has been hard as I just haven’t been able to have much say in my care. Been able to decline med changes so far. Therapy is a bit harder. Just doesn’t seem we are all on the same page yet. I am not sure we all will be on the same page if there isn’t some agreement on who exactly is in charge. I thought it was me but it doesn’t feel like I am and that is a problem. This therapist is trying to pull her weight in my care and it is knocking me over. I am already exhausted from trying to keep the ship above the water and seems soon as I got it going on course some storms knocks me off my bearings. She hasn’t been much help to steer the vessel while I am struggling for control. I feel like she wants to be on the bridge but just to look around.

These thoughts and pain are what is keeping me up tonight. I also have been thinking of writing and how with my psych being gone, no one is going to ask about it anymore. I think the “team” will think it is too isolating to write a blog or a book or something.

I have been thinking about my writing because I haven’t done much of it the past few months. I sort of let it slip through my hand and haven’t been able to really get back to it. A blog reader reached out to me. She told me that it helps her to get out of bed to check the computer to see if I posted. That day, two other people said they were glad I was still around. All three of these people, though they didn’t know one another, have never met nor were on all the same platforms were telling me to try and hang on when right now I don’t feel much like doing so. They understand why I don’t want to and in their own minds have sort of understood that I am free to make that choice should I take it.

Other night, I was having a really bad day of pain. Actually, I have been in the same kind of pain since Thursday around noon with my ankle all flared up. I wanted to end things Thursday. I couldn’t walk so figured I would do it Friday. Friday I was still in pain and texted the therapist that I was going to order more ginger. She thought my niece got rid of the stash I have. I have a serious allergy to ginger as I found out a few months ago. The therapist didn’t say anything about the pain but did say that if I ordered the ginger, it would tell her that I wasn’t safe. I held off on telling her anymore. Last night I found out some bad news about a family member and was so heartbroken about it. I still am. I wanted to end things right then but I didn’t want it to be in my home. I figured one piece of the gummies wouldn’t be too much. I had Benadryl and an epipen if things got bad. I also had a fortified histamine blocker if I needed it. The gummy caused a reaction but it wasn’t severe. It was moderate as my voice is a bit shaky. I realized by my experiment that a handful would probably be enough like I thought it would be. Now I got to wait for a fucking dry day to come around as it is going to rain all fucking week to put my plan into motion. I am biding my time for now. It is all I can do. I am not sure I am going to make it through the next few weeks. I am going to try and write more to see if that helps tame these demons like they have been in the past. Writing about them hasn’t always been so damn easy though. MK, hope you can check your laptop a little more frequently as I try to tame things in my head through writing.

Thoughts about the week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Wednesday I had two appts, one with therapist and the other with psychopharm. Therapy didn’t go too well. She doesn’t want me dependent on her, which I get. She also wants me to be more social. I wanted to talk about this being an anniversary time and she breaks out that I need to join a group of some kind. So we agreed that I would go to the local chess club that meets on Sunday and she would buy a chess set so I can teach her to play. Fucking weird she would let me teach her chess but not suicide prevention stuff that might actually fucking help me. I realized today that with her, it is just going to be therapy like the hospital where they teach you how to cope with whatever you are feeling rather than fucking talk about the fucking feeling. It is like redirection for adults. I feel stuck though as the therapist is good, she knows her stuff, but if she is just going to redirect my feelings to using cold water when I have them, what the fuck am I seeing her for? The day didn’t get better with psychopharm.

This nurse practitioner wanted to treat my symptoms with medication, even if that meant three medications. She wanted the anxiety with one med, sleep for another, and, not kidding, suicidality with another med. The med for suicidality is lithium. I know all about lithium. I also know it is toxic in large amounts. Very toxic. So why would I want to have a toxic substance in my possession when I am suicidal? Granted she will not be prescribing me large doses, just enough to have it in my system, but that isn’t how my brain thinks. I declined the lithium and the sleep med which was another blood pressure med. Jesus fucking christ. I have 3 meds that affect my blood pressure. I don’t need a fourth. God it made me miss my psych so fucking much. My psych never would push drugs on me. The meds the NP wanted to prescribe aren’t new. They all were generics and pretty old meds. The one for anxiety I won’t be taking again because I am so lethargic from it. Took it Wed night and was sleepy all day yesterday. Took another last night and was sleepy all day today. I barely left the bed except for bathroom breaks. I did have some thing to eat but nothing major. The NP went over my diagnosis. I said yeah I got bipolar but I don’t think I am. She asked if while decreasing the lamictal if I had symptoms of mania. I said no. She asked what does she think I have and I said major depressive disorder with psychotic features. She also wanted to increase the Invega and I said no. Fuck. Why can’t she just leave things as is? I have no problem with my meds. They don’t help my mood but I’ve known that for the past 20 years. I just need something for the psychosis and maybe for depression. I am on duloxetine and it is ok though after 3 weeks still no change in symptoms.

Yesterday around noon, my ankle went into a flare. I’m still in unbearable indescribable pain. I really wish I was fucking dead. Was going to end it today but ankle said nope. Pathetic I can’t even kill myself because I am in too much fucking pain. Hope this flare is gone by tomorrow. I didn’t have good sleep last night, despite that stupid pill for anxiety. I kept waking up every few minutes. I wanted to take lorazepam but I didn didn’t want to get up. It hurt too much to move. I was putting most of my weight in my right arm so it kept falling asleep or was just uuncomfortable. Think tonight I will have to put a pillow between my legs so my foot is a bit more even rather than cupping my other foot.

I also realized today that with my psych gone, no one is going to ask or be interested in my writing. I can still share what I write with my psych but if I don’t write, what is there to share. I feel so lost without her. Doesn’t look like she is going to come back into my life anytime soon. And I don’t like it.