Tag: baseball

listening to Taylor Swift all day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, CRPS, depression

Listening to Taylor Swift all day

I finally was able to get Fearless (Taylor’s version) on my phone. It took nearly a week for the amazon app to get it on my device. I am so glad I finally have this music. Right now I am listening to Evermore and then I will switch to Fearless.

I am sort of in a brain fog so I don’t think this will be long. I am still feeling so wicked tired from the Covid. I had coffee and something to eat with it. I plan on having some more of my pad Thai that I ordered yesterday. I was able to eat a quarter of it along with the appetizer I bought with it. I don’t have an appetite today so I don’t know if I will eat.

I am so fricken cold. It is 67 degrees in my room and 50 outside. The wind is making everything colder. I wanted to go out but I keep on getting cold sweats. I think I am over the worst of it but this fatigue is really bad. I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds but only one is ready and I rather have two than one. I contacted my doctor because I think who ever handles it thought, again, that I was requesting the same medication twice. I wish they would spell out the damn abbreviations so it would be easier to know one is immediate release and the other is extended release. Drives me crazy that I have to go through this every couple of months.

Sox are on fire, though they are down by two runs right now. I am not listening to the game like I should. I just don’t have the brain power to listen. I am feeling lightheaded. My blood pressure is low so I am dehydrated. I just got some soup from my sister so I can increase my fluids. I really been craving Lipton soup but we don’t have any. I put it on my grocery list. It is the only soup I like when I am sick. I just pulled a hoodie on because I am freezing. No fever though.

Cold Cloudy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Cold cloudy Sunday

The temp dropped during the night and I woke up freezing around 0230. I was in pain and been taking pain meds throughout the night. Mostly been taking Zanaflex, Tylenol, and my breakthrough med. My whole left arm is hurting for some reason, from the shoulder to my hand. I haven’t lifted anything heavy in the last few days so I don’t know why it is bothering me. I just put on a long sleeve shirt because it is 64 degrees in my room. brrrrr

Four days till Opening Day at Fenway! I am very excited we are getting 162 days of baseball. Last year just sucked with 60 games. I don’t know if they will have the games broadcasted on the radio app this year or not. I hope they do so I can listen anywhere. My favorite pitcher got scratched for starting opening day due to dead arm. I really wanted to see him start off the season at home.

I am so tired so I just plan on staying in bed today. Only thing I have to do is my meds for the week. I should get rid of my recycle that has accumulated on my bed. I have empty Gatorade bottles at the foot of my bed. For some reason I can really suck down a 20 oz bottle faster than a 32 oz. I need to start preparing for changing my sheets again. I think I am going to wash the new sheets I have and then use them on my bed.

My neck is starting to hurt again. I need to put heat on my shoulders and neck. I haven’t done it in a few days because my neck wrap is on my bed and I keep forgetting to bring it down when I go downstairs. I’ve been wanting to make a cup of tea for a while now. I just haven’t had the patience to make a cup. I just want to stay on my bed all the time.

WordPress changed the way they set up blogs. I don’t like it because you got to write out the tags and categories instead of just clicking on them like before. Pain in the ass. What normally took me 10 minutes to do now takes 20. Sucks. I hate the change. I knew it was going to happen when they had two ways of creating a blog. It was just a matter of time before they gave you the option you didn’t like.

I have therapy tomorrow. This week for appointments aren’t too bad. I have PT and I see my psychiatrist. I can’t wait to see my PT because my shoulder is so bad. I have been trying to decrease the time I spend on my phone but it has been difficult. I was waiting for a book to come yesterday but it won’t be in until next week. I am so bummed. It’s a baseball history book that one of the baseball people I follow on Twitter recommended to me. I think it is what I am looking for in the history of team names and such.

feeling shitty and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling shitty and other things

I woke up with my back feeling tight. It has been cramping on and off all day. The weather has not been helping as it has been cold and rainy. I have been sort of depressed because today is the anniversary of my aunt’s death as well as my cousin’s birthday. He has been dead for the past several years. I miss both of them. I still have no cried for my aunt’s death and it has been a year. I just can’t seem to let the tears fall. It has been quite a while since I last cried. I think being on an SSRI prevents me from crying because I know when I am off it, I am more tearful.

I felt depressed and so I texted my therapist again about it. Told her I would read if my concentration is there. I have yet to open a book. I just don’t feel like reading. I have been reading Twitter and like that Georgia has turned blue. I also like that Biden got 306 electoral votes. There is no question who the president is now. The toddler now has to concede. And I hope he does so peacefully. You never know what a maniac like him will do. I am so fearful, especially after Pompeo stated that Trump will be in his second term. I just have a bad feeling about this. I wish Jan 20th was a lot closer than it is.

I managed to eat today. I wasn’t hungry but I ordered some food. I am full now so I don’t think I will be eating anything else today. My ankle has been bothering me and my other foot has been cramping up on me if I move it a certain way. I can’t get any relief. I have been trying to drink fluids to keep hydrated but it is tough. I think I am going to go back on the magnesium because I can’t take the cramps anymore. It really helped ease them more than medication. It also helps with the bowels so I plan on taking it slow as I don’t want to have accidents again.

In baseball news, the Marlins hired their first female General Manager, Kim Ng. I am happy for her and hope she does well. Cora has been hired by the Sox. I am glad he is back with the team. I think he is a good manager. I just hope they keep Jackie Bradley, Jr. That is my Christmas wish. I will be really sad if he leaves the Sox. He is one of my favorite players. The Sox will be a complete fool if they let him sign with another team.

I didn’t nap today. I might when I finish this blog. I am so tired from not sleeping. I was up most of the night because of pain. I tried going back to sleep after my med alarm went off but I didn’t. I took my meds early last night because I wanted to go to bed early. That wasn’t a good idea no matter how well intentioned. I ended up waking up in the early morning hours anyway. Hope tonight is better.

First bad news of the year

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, suicide

First bad news of the year

I’ve had bladder pain all weekend and my uro is out of the office due to illness so she wanted me to see my pcp. My pcp wasn’t in the office so I went to medical walk in. The doc there was concerned I might have appendicitis so he had me down for a CT scan. The scan indicated everything was normal except my spine which had advance discogenic degenerative changes from L2-L5. Not the news I wanted to hear. I am already freaking out over my upcoming neurosurgeon appointment and this just added to my nerves, no pun intended. I am going to ask my PCP to tell him what has been going on and to see what he (neurosurg) wants to do. Maybe he wants to see me sooner than the 5th. I don’t know. My psych said that if I have surgery, she will visit me. Least that is one way of seeing her again. Though I rather it be her new office not my hospital room!

I’ve been in a mood since I came home. I want to self-destruct. I sent my psych a message that I am keeping things as best I can even though I want to plan right now (I didn’t tell her that). If I had some lethal method I would probably act on it. I am keeping focus on things other than suicide and that is very hard when you just want to end your life because things suck so bad right now. I did some Amazon shopping. I probably will do some more tomorrow as there are a few things that I need that I didn’t get. I just don’t want three charges all on the same card.

Voices have no calmed down despite me increasing the dose back to 4.5 mg of Invega. I might have to wait a bit. I canceled therapy for tomorrow because I just can’t go back to the hosp. I am so frigging tired and the stupid doctor hit my right heel to see if it caused abdominal pain that it flared up the sensitivity and my Achilles heel as well. I am in pain all over the place. Plus my ankle is in HUGE amount of pain. It locked up on me again when I came home soon after I took the AFO brace off. I haven’t eaten anything substantial but I gained five pounds since the last time I was weighed. I don’t know when that was but I was five pounds less. I am upset over gaining the weight. I was doing well to stay below 200 but I couldn’t stay off. I just had ensure when I came home and Gatorade. I am not hungry, even though I should be.

On the way home, I found out the GOP Senators were traitors like they have been the past two years and Derek Jeter got into the HOF. I am happy about Derek. He has my deepest respect because even though he was a Yankee, he played with heart and class. Unlike some people that will never make it into the HOF.

I am feeling really out of sorts. The voices are continuing to tell me I am meaningless and worthless. This has been going on for a week and I am about to snap. I don’t know what I will do but it won’t be good. I am trying not to give into my impish ways. I just feel so awful about my back and there is nothing I can do except wait until I see the neurosurg. I also got to wait two days for the urine culture to come back to see if I have a urine infection. That is a lot of waiting. The doc gave me the choice of going on antibiotics now but I didn’t want to be treated for the wrong bug so I decided to wait, which is the right thing to do. Just sucks. The urinalysis wasn’t positive at all so I don’t think there is any bugs causing the bladder pain. Nothing showed up on the CT scan so I am starting to think this is a CRPS thing. If I am right, this is going to be a problem when I have top surgery. I got to read more into Type1 CRPS. Type 2 is supposed to be the “bad” one. But I don’t have that so it shouldn’t be spreading to my bladder. UGH. I got to play medical detective because there is no one else to play with the clues. Though the pain is bad but not as bad as my ankle pain. Not choosing pains just saying. I hope I can sleep tonight but tomorrow is shot and pay day so I doubt it. It’s already 11pm. I will probably give the T at midnight. Sleep for a few hours to wake up to pay some bills then sleep some more. I want to get a haircut tomorrow. I kind of fucked it up as I went wild but I don’t think I did a too bad of a job that my barber can’t fix.

My sister is sick and when my other sister told me I laughed out loud because she opened up all the fucking windows in the house when it was like 18 degrees out. Fuck. Serves her right. Dumbass she is. I have my window open and I only got sick because my mother doesn’t wash her hands or cover her mouth when she coughs, and she has had a bad cough. Her foot doctor sent her to her primary as she had a bad coughing fit. UGH. They have her on antibiotics, which is good. If they have her on something else, I doubt she will take it. She will pay for it but she won’t use it. I don’t get that at all. Meanwhile I got to remember to budget my money this month so I can get my meds. I forgot last month. My bad. January is tough. I don’t even know what my monthly insurance is going to be yet. I haven’t gotten the invoice yet. I am thinking it is going to be at least $232, might be more but I will stick with that for now.