Tag: Blogging

in the abyss with the black dog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In the abyss with the black dog

Past few days have not been easy. Wed I got the cath taken out and was shown how to self-cath. To my relief, I am able to void on my own a few times a day but not all the time. It also takes a while for me to go and I can’t force the pee to come out. If it doesn’t after more than a few minutes, then I have to cath. It hasn’t been easy as I keep waking up at 0300 every night to pee, even if I don’t have the urge. I did last night and I wasn’t over the toilet so I basically peed on my underwear. I had a really full bladder as soon as the cath was in, urine was flying everywhere. I cleaned up and was upset about it. I had a hard time going back to sleep.

Also on Wed, I emailed my psych about should I call her if I am in a crisis. She said I should call the people I am working with now. I felt, and still feel, abandoned by her telling me this. In her reply, she asked if we had done a safety plan. I ignored the question. Earlier tonight as I was trying to write this blog, I sent her the blog I wrote Tues that describes everything that went on and how miserable I felt. I had texted the therapist yesterday saying I was having a hard time and was planning to end things soon again. All she wanted to know was if I was safe this weekend. I give up trying to tell her how I feel and how suicidal I am. Now I am truly alone as I don’t really have any mental health professional to call when I am in crisis, aside from going to the emergency room.

I was able to go to the grocery store today and make a dinner. I made my chili cornbread casserole dish I like. I made it really spicy. It is so good. Will be even better tomorrow. I will give whatever is left over to my barber as he loves the dish. He isn’t working Monday but he will Tues. I have to be in the Square anyway as I got to go see my TG doc. It is just a follow up. I sent her an email last week telling to please don’t say anything about my weight. I have been having issues around it and feel like if she tells me to lose more weight, it will just feed into my not eating. There already have been a few days where I have not eaten anything all day. I haven’t weighed myself but will tomorrow morning when I get up, provided I get some sleep tonight. My foot has been throbbing since yesterday at 0400 because of a storm that is passing through. It is really driving me crazy and I just can’t seem to get comfortable with it, even if I have it on a pillow. It is really bringing me down as well as trying to keep track of the times in between urinating. I am supposed to cath four times a day so that means roughly every six hours. With me not having any urge to go, I need to keep track of the time before I get too full. I also need to keep track of how much I drink. Just so much shit to keep track of. I thought keeping track of my bowels was hard, and it still is. I have been really constipated since this new urinary issue. I think it is because I no longer sit on the toilet so much and the muscles aren’t being used like they once were. I restarted taking the fiber pills. I have to be careful with them because one time I took too many and they made me sick. I had really bad gas pains. It was terrible. I think it was because I didn’t drink enough fluid after I took them. I always make sure I drink at least 4-5 ounces of fluid after I take them.

All week, I have been feeling kind of sick. I have been having chills and my head has been feeling like it weighs a ton. I have been so lethargic it isn’t funny. It could just be because of the infection that I had. I am feeling better today but there have been a few times where I thought I was just going to doze off again. I kept checking my temp but it was normal. My blood pressure was low as well as my pulse. I might have just been dehydrated. I have been fighting sleep the past few hours but I wanted to write a blog. I just been having trouble finding my words lately. I have so much to say, I just don’t know how to say it. I get tied up in the language. Throw in the haze of gabapentin and it is really hard to concentrate. But I am writing now and that is all that counts. Whether or not it makes sense, that is up to you, my readers.

been a long week

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Been a long week

I’ve had the longest week. Since coming home from the hospital, or even while in the hospital, I was having bladder issues. The issues got worse by Tuesday as I could not urinate after 15 hours. I ended up calling the urology office because my PCP’s nurse, who is ignorant of nerve issues, said to wait 24 hours before going to ER. The uro office said without hesitation to go to ER. I thought they would straight cath me and I would be on my way. Nope, they decided to put in an indwelling catheter. I sent my uro a message while in the ER telling her I was there. The next day I get a call from her office asking to come in. I thought I would go in to get the fucking thing out but instead, we talked about self cathing and botox injections. I was devastated. I fell into a depression. Thurs I had an appointment with the therapist and psychopharm. The therapist wants me to go to a DBT group. I declined. I was sleep deprived and not feeling well. I didn’t feel up to talking about DBT (or anything else for that matter). We did discuss some suicide safety planning stuff. Tomorrow when I see her, I plan on bringing the stuff I didn’t last week. She is open to me teaching her about this stuff. I think it will be a trade off with her teaching me what she knows of DBT and me telling her what I know of safety planning.

The meeting with the psychopharm lasted no more than ten minutes. He didn’t really ask about the hospitalization. I told him I wanted off the Lamictal and wanted to add duloxetine with Zofran. He agreed. Then he told me he was going on paternity leave and won’t be back till Dec. He wanted my pcp to cover my medication needs while he was gone. I asked if he would be back and he said he would. I said ok. He said to make an appointment with my pcp to talk about this. I left and basically crashed when I got home. I spent all day Friday in bed, only getting up to empty the leg bag. I last emptied the bag around 10pm and then no urine was produced during the night. I got worried it might be blocked so early Sat morning, I went to ED. They did a full work up as I was in a lot of discomfort. Everything turned out to be normal. I still felt like shit most of the weekend. I thought it was just because I hadn’t really been eating. Today I get results from the urine culture and it is positive for staph. This is why I feel like shit. I started antibiotics so I hope I am on the mend.

I am not liking this new event I am dealing with. I am fearful I may get more infections from self cathing so I need to be careful. I am not sure if I will need a diaper on days I am out and won’t have access to a semi clean public bathroom. Just the thought of having to carry around supplies with me every where I go now is freaking me out. I know I will eventually get used to it but I much prefer to go on my own, if I am able to. There have been a few occasions where I felt the urge to go but it could just be because I have an infection.

I am supposed to see the therapist tomorrow. I really don’t want to. I am feeling hopeless again. Wed and Thurs I need to be in/around the same place as where the therapist is. So three straight days of being in the same place at different times. I am going to be exhausted come Friday. Just hope I am feeling a little better by then.

one that got away

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

One that got away

I’ve been in a writing mood today. I seem to be writing in the late evening as I have a lot on my mind. The therapist responded to the texts I sent her. She said things are always going to be tough (no shit!) and maybe talk about additional “treatment factors”, whatever those are. I guess I will find out Thursday. She did say that she is open to whatever I bring in so that is good. I am glad she isn’t rigid in what she practices like past therapists. But then the one I saw for 16 years was and then she ended on me. I blame myself for it and the stupid CM went along with it all because I asked her if we should end.

I didn’t do anything today. I wasn’t feeling up to doing anything today. I crossed my room to get something in the hallway and my ankle acted up. There was a ten degree change in temperature so I am guessing that is why it is still hurting me. It got cold so I have a thermal sock on it right now. I missed having them while in the hospital because my feet got cold on more than one occasion and I needed a hot pack to warm it up. There were a few days, around the same time, where I felt like there was cold water on my foot. I kept feeling my foot to see if it was wet but it was dry. Then it would become really cold. It always happened around shift change, which annoyed me because there were no nurses to give you a hot pack. I am not sure staff could but it was just ridiculous!

I charged up the study watch but now I am having trouble with the app. It logged me out when it updated and I can’t seem to sign back in. I put in a message to the tech people but I haven’t heard back from them yet. They gave me a new login password but it still doesn’t work. I don’t know. I will just have to wait. I didn’t tell them about not wearing it the past three weeks.

I was scrolling through Twitter, like I always do, when I came across the nowmattersnow.org tweet about how going to the website reduces suicidal thoughts. I thought I would give it a try. Instead of helping, it made me feel worse because the pain they are talking about, is psychological not physical. I may have intense emotions that are causing me to feel the way I do because of my physical pain but it is a situation thing. One of the videos said that suicidal thoughts were actually an okay thing because it makes sense as it is a relief from the intense emotions. Unfortunately, I gone from suicidal thoughts to actions. I plan on acting on my thoughts when the pain is less or within a few days of having intense physical pain. The pain I am feeling right now is not excruciating enough to think about suicide but it is lingering. Pain just changed because I moved my big toe. Hurts so much that I had to take a breakthrough med. UGH. I cannot be free from high pain, ever. I find this hopeless to think things will get better because with pain, nothing ever gets better.

I am really tired so I will sign off here. I am not sure I will be here the end of the week. All I can focus on right now is right now. I hope that is enough.

hopeless and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hopeless and depressed

Since last night, I have been in a very down mood. I have been avoided using the word “depressed” to describe it because the people at the hospital told me I was making myself hopeless and depressed. I sent an email to my psych about it and have not heard back. I don’t think I will so it is just making me further believe that I am making myself hopeless and depressed. The chaplin I saw asked me where I picture myself five years from now. I said I don’t. I don’t see a future at all and I guess that pissed her off because the next thing I know, she is telling me I am making myself hopeless. The case manager said I was throwing a pity party for myself. I am just fed up with these so called mental health professionals. I don’t even want to see the therapist on Thursday. I really don’t see the damn point.

I’ve been resting most of the afternoon. Other than the burrito and a half sandwich of asparagus and eggs, I haven’t eaten much. I bought a pair of jeans. I got them a size smaller and they are tight because they aren’t “relaxed”. I am not worried as I know I will lose weight soon enough. And if I don’t, the pants will just go to good will. I am tired of fighting things. I feel so damn depressed right now and I don’t even know why. I wasn’t in a great mood all day but pain has hit and my big toe is swollen again, causing a pin being stuck in it feeling. I tried cleaning out the bed, thinking there was dead skin or lint there and came up empty. I also filed the nail so it is rounded and not straight. It didn’t work as well as I hoped it would. My foot feels like it is going to cramp any second. I would take a melatonin to knock me out but I don’t even think that would help. Pretty soon the ankle will start hurting. I am getting little twinges. I am not sure taking a pain med now would be okay. It might be as by the time it kicks in, it might stop the pain from getting worse. But sometimes that doesn’t work either. I might take some gaba to try and see if that will help.

I want to send a text message to the therapist telling her I am not doing well but I don’t think it would be wise. I am not sure she would respond until tomorrow and I am already sending her 2 scheduled texts about how I want to handle my suicidality. But I don’t know if I want to handle it. Maybe I will try not to keep myself away from me. I thought of sending her my blog “used to” but I don’t think it is necessary. I don’t want her to get a million texts from me all at once.

I know part of me is depressed is because I have had to go back to wearing diapers again. The bladder cramps have been causing leaking. Every time I go to the bathroom, I notice my underwear is wet. I gave in to taking Pyridium as I couldn’t take the pain and cramps anymore. Three days is enough. I sent the uro a message telling her of what I did and that I am hoping correctly that it is just readjusting to the medicine again. If I am wrong, I hope she will tell me. I also hope she doesn’t want a urine sample as the Pyridium can alter tests, making them falsely positive or negative. I just hate that this is an unwanted thing because my bladder is not functioning properly. I still don’t know if it is a worsening of my back issues or the back issues caused it. Kind of like what is going on in my CRPS foot/ankle. I don’t know if the CES made it more susceptible to CRPS or if the spasms caused it when they sprained my ankle. I may never know. But regardless, what is done, is done. I can’t change it. Which just makes me depressed.