Tag: chronic illness

in a grumpy mood today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

In a grumpy mood today

I am not feeling well today. I feel tired and my back has been spazzing up a storm all day, probably because of the hurricanes that are passing through the east coast. Either way, I am not feeling good. I made breakfast and it hurt. I could barely clean up afterwards. Luckily my sister cleaned up for me as she wanted to cook something and needed the space. I put my stuff away and then went up to my room to relax a bit. My sister made nachos so when they were done, I went back downstairs to have them. They were so good! I really liked it.

I shaved and showered today which took some energy from me. I felt tired and my back was cramping. I went up stairs to relax and I took a nap. I had taken some medicine to stop the cramping and it makes me tired so I slept. Then my sister’s loud mouth woke me up a couple of hours later. I didn’t like this. My mother called me saying she wanted to talk to me and I had to get up to pee so I talked to her. I told her I was tired. Things that shouldn’t tire me out tire me out. I have no energy for things. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I couldn’t because I showered. Maybe tomorrow I will go before my therapy appointment.

I should write down stuff I want to talk about tomorrow for therapy so I have something to talk about. I just don’t know what to talk about. I hate this. I hate when I can’t think of something to say and the therapist doesn’t ask questions about things either. I hate that. Yesterday I had a dream that I almost slept through the appointment. I woke up at the time I was supposed to meet so I was scrambling to get on the laptop.

Tomorrow is T shot day. I might give it tonight if I am up around midnight. If not it will be in the morning I will give myself the shot. I might post some before and after pics later. I haven’t done that in a long time, mostly because there hasn’t been much change going on. I still don’t have a full beard. And I don’t have enough of a connection to have a goatee in place.

The weather has cooled off. I am grateful it has. I love the cooler weather. I can’t believe how tired I have been the past few days. All I have been doing is laying down and sleeping. I might wake up during the middle of the night to pee and then stay up for an hour or two because I can’t go back to sleep right away. That stinks because it throws me off and makes me more tired during the day. I had coffee today and then I took a nap. Then I showered and my sister made nachos and then I napped again. I know I am still recovering from surgery but damn, the feeling of being tired has to stop. I am tired of being tired. I am three weeks post op. Tomorrow I need to empty my recycling. It is getting full. I should dump my trash as well. I still need to break down the Amazon boxes that are in my room. I have a lot. I don’t know how they accumulated.

I got to lay down again. Back is acting up. UGH I can’t even blog for more than a half hour now. This sucks!

trans issues 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trans issues 10

The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.

From Twitter:
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.

I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.

Sunday Blog 16082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 16082020

I took a shower and I am tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up to use the bathroom. I wanted to go to the pharmacy but I got too lazy. Sox lost last night. I don’t have high hopes of them winning tonight either. They have no pitching and it is just pitiful.

I did the same thing today that I did yesterday, sleep late and do nothing. I am just so tired. I kept waking up early to use the bathroom and I didn’t really drink that much so I don’t get it. But as long as my kidneys are working that is important.

I feel depressed today. I have been in a down mood since I woke up. I don’t know why. I wrote my psych an email and I didn’t even finish it. I just sent it without closing remarks. I still am nervous about surgery. I will be in two weeks. I have the anesthesia call this week. I still haven’t heard from the lab about Covid testing. I hope to hear from them this week. My therapist is on vacation this week. I am glad. I can use the break. I probably will have another break from her after my surgery.

Back has been acting up with spasms all day. It is driving me crazy. I just took some Zanaflex to try and quiet them down. I have to start taking some Miralax soon as I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in a week. I started taking magnesium supplements tonight to try and help the bowels. I sometimes go when I take mag. I wanted to shave today but my back has been so messed up that I couldn’t stand long enough to. I hope the magnesium helps the spasms, too.

I have Hamilton running through my brain. Yesterday I listened to the musical again. It is becoming a Saturday tradition. I love it and I learn something new each time I hear it. The weather has been cool the past two days. To my surprise, the temps have been in the 60s which is beautiful. I still had to use the AC at times because my room was stuffy. I still need to go to the pharmacy. I hope tomorrow I will be up before 2pm so I can go. I also want to make coffee. I haven’t had it in a few days because I have been sleeping so late. I just don’t want to get out of bed. I got to talk to my cousin to see if he will take me to the grocery store. I need more Gatorade.

Monday’s thoughts 10082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s thoughts 10082020

I am wearing my old Sox hat hoping it brings them luck tonight. I have been wearing it all day. I had therapy today and it was a tough session. My therapist is such a CBT therapist, which I like but I didn’t know how annoying they can be. She had me set a goal before we ended. I am to call depression a liar essentially. It is going to be tough to do because depression is deceiving. It tells me lies that I am a jerk and an asshole that has no base but I believe it because I feel so bad so I must be. I also feel guilty for no reason and worthless. I almost canceled therapy today because I felt hopeless. I knew my therapist wouldn’t allow it so I didn’t even text her. I was in a why bother mood. I did tell her I wanted to cancel because I was hopeless and she wanted to know why. She also wanted me to think differently but I couldn’t think of a way to do so. I am just not a cognitive thinker.

I am listening to the ball game. They are tied at 4 in the 6th. Sox were leading the game 4-1 but an error cost us some runs. Going to be a long night if they don’t score some runs in the next few innings. Update, Sox are losing 8-5 right now. It is the bottom of the 8th and I don’t think they will come back so I shut the game off so I can continue to write without being distracted.

I am having the hardest time writing tonight. I keep getting distracted. I am trying to stay on point but my brain is out to lunch. My therapist said that she will be off next week and I had some anxiety about it. I hope it is just a week she is off and not two because I really want to talk to her the week of my surgery. I am having so much anxiety about it. I also am getting cold feet about it. I have the choice to keep things the way they are but I will feel yucky all the while with headaches and fatigue when doing stuff like making a sandwich or taking a shower. I hate that I have no energy most days and that just walking to the end of the street and back leaves me winded. I am scared that after surgery I might be in worse shape than I am in now. I know there will be some recovery but fuck, I don’t want to feel that weakness I did in the beginning. Of course, there is nothing I need to be doing but resting and recovering. I have no job other than keeping this blog going. I will try and write if I am up to it while in the hospital but meds might not make it possible.

Ankle has been bothering me the past few hours. The ankle bone has been really sore and throbbing. I took my breakthrough med but it hasn’t done anything. I might have to sleep with a pillow between my legs. I find that it helps level things so I am not spooning my feet. I find that it helps. Only problem is that the pillow sometimes ends up on the floor in the morning.