Tag: chronic pain

Happy New Year and all that jazz

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Happy New Year and all that jazz

I wish my readers a Happy New year. I hope this year is better than last year.

As I said in my last blog, I don’t do resolutions and shit. I don’t plan goals or anything. I just go with the flow. I see a lot of people reflecting on this “good” things that have happened to them last year. All I can think about is how I spent most of the year in severe pain, not being listened to by doctors, being a ping pong ball between doctors, just to get a change in pain meds and then planning my death because I had enough. July I was going to end it and that was it. Well, my date came and I didn’t go through with it because I was too afraid I would be found and saved. It was kind of doubtful, but possible. I don’t think I went in the hospital last year or if I did, I don’t remember it as I am not going back, ever again.

I am still feeling kind of crappy and I have therapy tomorrow. I did sleep, finally, but it was at like 5 am or so. My med alarm went off but I didn’t take my meds. I took my mood stabilizer. I kind of been taking them twice a day but if I don’t take the morning dose, I just take the morning dose at night so I have it. I can’t risk becoming hypomania though I thought last night I was going to as I just was so overtired I was hyper. I was wired and not tired. Then I decided to go lay down and try to sleep and my leg jerks causing tremendous pain. There went sleeping. I think I was up at least 38 hours. I slept till around 4. I had something to eat. I made pizza but I only ate half. I am not that hungry. I downed a 16 oz Pepsi. I also had a cup of tea so I am sure I will be peeing a lot. I wanted to get some fluids in me.

I shaved my head again. I am addicted to the bald feel. I can’t help it. Except tonight I used a new razor and got razor burn. My head hurts lol. I didn’t shave my sideburns though. Least I don’t think I did or at least one side. I wanted to see how the bald with sideburns looks. I am experimenting. LOL

I was talking to my sister about my insurance situation. I thought it was going to be a quick, yes you can get rid of Medicare and have them as a secondary. Nope doesn’t work like that. Fuck. I just have noticed a big change in attitude with the docs since being on medicare. Seems I am not getting care I should and then PT has these “requirements” in order to cover a visit because I am on this insurance. I hate being treated like this. I don’t think it is fair that I have to do this extra bullshit because I have chronic pain in my ankle. Then I flare and who takes care of me then? Last night was the same thing after my leg jerked. I have decided to do whatever to lower my pain levels because I get no help from a doctor about it when I tell them repeatedly how things are going. Just because I am fine when I see them then, doesn’t mean later that night I will be or the next day. I am so tired of flares. Maybe that is why the suicidality has come back. I don’t see any other reason. Each flare seems to last for days before I am okay and then I do something like make breakfast and I am in pain the rest of the day. Or I barely move my damn foot/ankle and boom. Pain goes up and I can’t control it. The docs have NOT listened when I tell them moving my ankle causes pain. They don’t know what to do. I can’t walk. I am almost getting to the point where I can’t stand. I feel bad for the people in the UK who has to wait for months, maybe a year, for a doctor appointment just to be told there is nothing they can do. I would be jumping off the nearest bridge. Because by the time they get a doc that gets it, treatment is too late, like it was for me.

I am really depressed. I think that would explain the low appetite, mood being messed up, sleep issues, etc. I just happened to be in it. It came without a warning. But then it always does. Then when I finally realize what the fuck is happening, I am stuck in it and I don’t know how long it is going to stick around. Seems each episode has it’s own length period. I am never clued in as to what that is.

I accessorized my laptop. It was too plain for me. My laptop that needs to be fixed has a bunch of stickers on the lid.

I don’t know when I am going to get it fixed. I am going to try and get it down this year somehow. I am going to try to have this laptop out of my room and at a Starbucks table so I can possible write. Or maybe just get a notebook and write. I don’t know what I will write about. It all depends if this mood/sleep thing eases out. I have been so damn tired and just sleep the day away. I got to get up tomorrow to make some calls to my insurance. I am not sure if I have to call to have the insurance as a secondary or have it as a primary like I want. All because I am disabled this headache is there. I didn’t want to be on Medicare. It is just a thing SSD puts you on but it doesn’t cover prescriptions so what is the point of it, I don’t know. You can see your providers and stuff but you need a secondary insurance to pay the visit completely or have a copay that is smaller than 20% of the visit. I really don’t see that many doctors like I used to. Just my PCP or his colleagues, my psych, and therapist. I see my neuro once a year, unless there is a problem that can’t be solved using email. LOL I also see my repro endo doc which I guess I should call her my TG doc now. So 5 docs. I don’t know when I see her if it will be at the new clinic or if it will be at the same office. My PCP will be at a new office. I will be asking him for a new scripts a week early for my pain meds because I don’t want to come a week later for them. I don’t think that is a big deal but we will see. Bet he says no because he is an asshole.

New Year 2019

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I may throw in some goals but I really don’t expect them to come to fruition. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping past few nights. Pain has been making sleeping at night impossible. So I sleep during the day to wake up at night to stay up all night. Fun cycle.

Last night I was trying to sleep. I would slightly doze and then wake up in pain, either my foot or ankle or hip. 3 am my hip was hurting because my body was one way and it wanted to lay flat rather than on my side. Had to use a heating pad which needs replacing because it is worn out. It doesn’t get hot like it did only on high setting. So I had this on my hip. And waited for pain to calm down. Then put of the fucking blue, my foot/ankle explode and I am instantly suicidal. Like I want to kill myself right this second. I didn’t know how but as I lay there immobile, I thought of ways. And I swear if I could have moved and acted at that moment, I would have. I was so pissed off. I was a lot of things i don’t remember now nearly 24 hours later. I took an ativan when these thoughts and impulses passed and I could move my hip without screaming. I think I might have taken another pain med too because I was in pain. Around 6, I took 1 neurontin hoping for an hours sleep. It never came. My brain was just fantasizing all these things I had to do today and just wanted to say fuck it and sleep. Did I do that? No.

Around 1030 I got up to start the day. I had to cook 6 pounds of chicken wings for my sister’s party. I had two glasses of coffee before I started. I had to cut the chicken, wash, then cook it. It was falling off the bone when it was done and it was way too early for people to come in. So it just sat on my sister’s counter because my mother had to use our oven for her stuff.

It was a good party. I had two glasses of spiked eggnog. Hoping that would dull the physical pain. Nope. I had stuff to eat. Talked with my cousins. The pain started to get worse. I could barely walk. Noises were affecting me severely. Like I couldn’t handle the loud talk of anyone or the screaming of the two babies or my cousin playing something on his phone. It was just making pain worse. I left. I said happy new year good bye. I got upstairs and didn’t know if I was going to make it. I thought the eggnog was going to come up. I took some zofran. I was late with my meds so took them. I could not lie down. It cold in my room and my foot was so swollen my slipper made an indentation mark. And it was ice cold. Turn on broken heating pad! Luckily it never got painfully cold but did get painfully hot. I am still trying to sleep and failing. I should be tired because I technically have been awake since 30 Dec 7pm! I am not fucking tired. I should be. And after this, I am shutting off the lights and trying for sleep. I realized I probably been having problems because I turned up the heat a degree. Bad choice. I need cold. I should have known when I was sleeping with just my sheet on it was too hot in my room.

I don’t have any 2019 goals like I said. I wanted to end my life 24 hours ago and it is still fresh. I emailed my psych but she is out of office until Wed so probably not going to get a response. I don’t need the hospital. I really just need to stop having flares or have meds to control flares. And then longer I don’t and the longer they last, I am going to be a suicidal maniac. I am hoping it was just the stress of the holidays but I got huge financial worries this month. I got to pay for my meds which I knew but still impulsively bought shit off Amazon. I won’t know what anything costs until later today, I hope. I still won’t know if my therapist is a provider until I see him Wed. And then I will probably need to decrease our sessions because I can’t pay for them. Fun pit in my stomach right now. And then I worry my pain meds won’t get covered or T. We’ll see. I need a refill sometime this month. But if it is really expensive, I don’t know if I can afford it.

So more stress = more pain. Lovely cycle.

Blogging from phone: hectic day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

My grocery delivery was late. I hate a 10-12 slot and it didn’t come till after 12. I quickly put away my stuff. I had 4 large cookies to finish off the batch I made a couple days ago. I will be making another batch this weekend as I got the flaxseed meal.

I sat on my bed for 10 minutes figuring out the bus schedule and time it would take to get dressed, do an errand, and then wait for the bus. I really didn’t want to go out. But I needed to pick up my scripts and get my blood drawn. Off I went.

I didn’t being my bag with me. I just grabbed my coat and scarf as it was cold out. I had coffee at home so I wasn’t going to Starbucks. Bus came like 20 minutes minutes while I was waiting. I was already exhausted. I got to the hospital and went to my pcp’s office. Then I went to the blood lab. My doc didn’t put in the order. I had to wait an hour for all to be done. I got a new phlebotomist who was afraid to draw me so another guy that I knew did it. Ugh. I left and then went to the store. I had to pick up stuff for my mother and also wanted steak for dinner. There was no steak I wanted. I left to catch the bus home.

I went to the pharmacy to fill my meds. They didn’t have a full quantity. I would have to go to another pharmacy. Ugh. Tomorrow is going to rain so now I will have to get wet. I am not happy. I wanted to sleep tomorrow. Least the temp will be a little warmer.

I had my mother make some eggs for dinner. Then I got hungry for the 1st time in 2 months. I ordered some steak tips and mozzarella sticks. It was good except the steak had a bunch of peppers and onions with it. Yuck. I saved the leftovers. Now I am quite tired. My ankle is killing me because while taking off my pants to change into my PJs, my ankle got caught and felt like I was ripping it off. It still has not calmed down. My mother had me do the few dishes in the sink. I debated on blogging but felt like I had to.

My sodium is at the same number. I was shocked the doctor called me with results. He was very nice. I didn’t know my psych was out of the office. Oh well. I decreased the mood stabilizer again so am taking 300 twice a day. Hopefully in a few days my energy comes back. I hope I don’t have to go off my med. I see my psych next week so we’ll see how I feel.

I bought a mango habanero sauce I want to try for my chicken wings. I forgot to get then while I was out today. Maybe I will get them tomorrow. I want to have them for the New Year’s eve party my sister is having. I have to buy a lot of wings. Not sure I can do it or afford it. All depends how i feel.

Mumble Jumble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Mumble jumble

I shouldn’t have had coffee at 430 PM last night but I did and I ended up staying up till at least 4 am or so. I was also in a bad mood as I was thinking more about what my mother had said to my brother in law’s mother. I couldn’t stop thinking of how she doesn’t accept me. It sent me into despair/suicidality mode. I just couldn’t stop thinking of being dead. Like snap my fingers and I no longer existed. I got some responses. Then a friend in my support group was not so supportive as she doesn’t understand how I could be male. Not what I fucking needed at that moment! She is questioning that if I am biologically female, then I am female. UGH. I need like a print out or something for these people. Maybe I can show my mother, too.

I finally paid a bill that I wasn’t able to on my phone for some reason. I think paying it has sent my checking account in the red but I won’t know until everything clears. My mother didn’t go to the bank today, which means, ha ha, I will have to do it tomorrow. I need to go out anyways so probably not a big deal. But the bus schedule has changed this week so getting to the Square is a pain in the ass. I will have to look at the schedule to see when the bus is coming every time I want to head out because it is at all different times. So fucking stupid. I have my groceries coming in the morning. If I am not too wiped out, I will do my errands. Wish there was a McDonald’s around. I really would love a filet of fish sandwich. I miss having one close by. Now the nearest one is nearly 2 miles away and I would have to take two buses to get there. So dumb. Maybe I will treat myself to some Thai food tomorrow if I go into Boston.