Tag: chronic pain

ceiling fan

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ceiling fan

It is really cold with the wind and it is coming in through my AC so I have my ceiling fan off. I should dust it while it isn’t in use. It’s got some serious dust bunnies on the blades, but only on one side of the blade. Weird. I want to clear off the things on my bureau too. Just throw them in a box and I will go through it later. I also need to empty my bedside trash can. It is filled. I have to find the trash bag that I had. It has become buried under some clothes due to an avalanche fall of one of my bins. I just can’t deal so left it like it is.

I had therapy today. I wish it helped but all it did was frustrate me more and all we agreed on was getting a bat and beating a pillow up. We talked about how my mother is treating me with the transgender. I told her I wanted to go into hiding. She said that would be a bad idea. She understood how much I was hurting. I told her I wanted to cry but there were no tears. I won’t be seeing her a second time this week. She doesn’t have any openings. I said that was fine. I am not in dire straits. I wills see her next week.

I didn’t brush my teeth this morning because the post nasal drip was bad. I was gagging up a storm. Once it settles down, I will brush. It has been working out better in the afternoon than morning. I still need to shave my head again. I have been trying to keep my hair as short as possible. I found out today while I was combing it that it isn’t even on top like I want it to be. I just asked my cousin who is a hair dresser if this is ok or not. Now I can’t decide if I want to grow it out or cut it to be all one length. My barber is very good but I don’t think he is great with scissors. He is very good with clippers. I like him a lot so I will stay with him. No one else will touch my hair.

I had two cups of coffee today and I am still tired. I want to nap so bad. I have been up since five this morning because I had to pee. It was hard getting back to sleep. I wanted to stay up but my therapy appointment was at 11 and I knew I would start to feel drowsy around that time. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about why I am tired and he hasn’t responded. I don’t think he will because I was kind of flip in my message.

I finally brought a notepad to my bed “office” area so I will write the essays I want to write. I think it will be better written out than typed. Less distraction. I wish I could do it in a coffee shop. I so miss going to Starbucks for coffee and writing. I feel trapped sometimes because I have no where else to go. I could go food shopping. I think I will go to the butcher shop today to get a steak. And maybe some burgers.

Sunday Morning Blog 14032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Morning Blog 14032021

I had my morning coffee and some breakfast. It is so quite without my mother. My sister is still getting my mother’s room straightened out. I think she is hanging curtains today. Both my sisters have worked their asses off to get her room as comfortable as possible and my mother hates it. I just don’t get it as she agreed with what they were doing but then after it was done, she didn’t like the outcome. Oh well.

I have therapy tomorrow and I want to work on ways of coping with the misgendering. I want so bad to text my sisters about being their brother but I’m scared it will come as defensive and they will reject me. I have so many feelings about this. It’s bad enough my mother is calling me a whatever whenever I bring up that I am her son.

I think my coffee is broken because I am so tired right now that I can go back to sleep. My ear is hurting me and I am not sure if it is because the muscles around the ear are tight or if there is something wrong with my ear. I hate this guessing game. My PT is on vacation this week so I am off from PT. I just got to do my exercises. I am getting better slowly but surely.

I don’t have many appointments this week. Just have therapy scheduled. I hope the weather will be nice so I can go out. It is nice today but really windy. I also hope the stimulus money gets deposited tomorrow. That would be nice so I can pay my bills off a little bit. I really want to buy a new mattress. The one I have is just about 20 years old.

My bowels have been stubborn the past few days. I have been taking Miralax but stool are hard and hurt when I pass a movement. I keep trying to remember to take the Miralax every day but it gets exhausting. I don’t want to take too much and then have the opposite problem. I still am having trouble with my bladder. I go for testing in about 10 days. I am kind of nervous about this test. It is so invasive. It doesn’t hurt though, thank god. I am almost a year post op from the tethered cord surgery.

Last week I started writing a thing about my thirty years in therapy. I didn’t get too far because I was writing from my laptop. I think if I write it out on paper it will be better. I just got to find a notepad to write it out on. I have several laying around. I just got to grab it. I think it will be a good article. I want it to be at least 1000 words.

Saturday Blog 13032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 13032021

I’ve had an exciting day. Started with getting into an argument with my mother over the tea kettle. Then taking her blood pressure a couple of hours later to find her hypotensive. I had to call the ambulance on my mother. She was dehydrated. They gave her a liter of fluid and she normalized. Thank god she didn’t have to adjust her medication. I hope the bitch comes home tomorrow. I still am so mad at her for so many things and am still hurt she doesn’t see me as her son.

I took a shower and shaved. My back cramped up and is still hurting me hours later. I have been doing so much lately that I think it just hates me. It started flaring when I was taking my mother’s blood pressure. I just can’t stand too long still. I am almost a full year post op. Can’t believe it has been a year already. I am still having trouble with my bladder. I have avoided cathing so far. I don’t know if it is still a possibility. I know my bladder is angry today as it really hurts.

I went out today to pick up my meds. I have been trying to get the vaccine any place that is open. One of the pharmacies had an availability and by the time I reset my password, answered questions and shit the availability was gone. I was pissed. Now I am back to waiting.

I have been trying to stay off my phone to give my shoulder and neck some time to heal. It hasn’t flared up so I am doing good. I just wish this back pain would vamos. I am listening to Luke Combs and got “One Number Away” on repeat. It is my favorite song of his. I am so damn tired. I got to take my night meds soon. I plan on going to bed early, again. I have been waking up at three the past few nights to pee. Sometimes I have no trouble getting back to sleep but last night the power went off when I was in the bathroom and I didn’t have my cellphone with me. I managed to get back to my room in one piece without tripping on the stairs. Power came back about twenty minutes later. The wind was wild last night. I got another advisory for tonight so power might go out again. It really sucks because you can’t do nothing but be in the dark.

A Day of Misgendering

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A Day of Misgendering

Yesterday my mother’s occupational therapist kept misgendering me as well as my sister who called me sister instead of brother. My mother’s blood pressure was low and so I had to stay with her while going through with her doctors on what to do about it. My mother was not a good patient as she didn’t want to stay still. I told her she had to stay sitting or laying down and she said she doesn’t take orders from her daughter. I said I am not your daughter and she replied then whatever you are. I said oh really and she was indignant as she said yes, whatever you are. I felt so hurt. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. She became more stable as the day progressed and I was glad we didn’t have to take her to the hospital. But the damage was done to my heart. I don’t think I can forgive her for this.

With all the care that my mother required and with me walking all over the house, my back flared up. I had groceries delivered and that just made things worse. I some how managed though. I think my back being flared up is messing with my bladder. I have been having trouble urinating all week. My urologist finally got back to me and if I haven’t gone in 8+ hours I need to cath. So now I got to keep track of my voids again. I have no idea if I am emptying completely or not. I made an appointment for urodynamic testing in a couple of weeks.

Because I had to take care of my disrespectful mother, I had to cancel therapy. I hated doing it because I really wanted to talk to my therapist about the misgendering. I was pretty angry and hurt about this. I kept having to say that I am my mother’s son and it just wasn’t registering. I felt pretty hopeless about being a transgender around my family. I thought my sisters would get that I am their brother because I set them memes about how a brother loves their sister. I guess it didn’t click.

I need to shave and shower today. My hair is getting to be manageable again, though the top is too long and needs to be cut. I didn’t realize how long it was until I started shaving my head and it went up like a mohawk. I want to go out today. It is really nice outside and warm. I want to get a steak and maybe I can grill it as my sister has the BBQ on her porch. I wouldn’t mind getting some steak tips either. My mother’s PT is coming in a little while so I might do it after he leaves.