Tag: chronic pain

The 3 AM Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The 3 AM blog

I just finished having pumpkin pie. It is one of my favorite pies at Thanksgiving. I had a good Thanksgiving, or what I like to call, Turkey Day. I spent it with friends who live south of Boston. It was a very good time, good food, and good laughs. My friend’s husband picked us up and drove us home so that was really nice of them. No public transportation. Around 1830 yesterday, my ankle started to act up and unfortunately, flared up by the time I got home. It is still hurting me as the pain is down to the bones and there is a storm coming this weekend. We are supposed to get wintery stuff. Last I checked, the weathermen didn’t know if it was going to be snow or rain. I haven’t looked to see what they decided. It is supposed to end sometime Monday morning. I need to know whether or not it is going to be icy as I have an appointment that morning with urology. I need to make the appointment because my bladder is still giving me problems. I keep having spasms while cathing. I sent my urologist a message last night and she said to stop one of the medications I am on as it causes spasms. So now I am down to two urinary meds. She wants me to switch to another medication but she wanted me to get the price for it first. She gave me a website to see how much it would cost but I told her, right now I don’t pay anything. In January, I will and generics will be $10-$20, $50-$70 for brand name. I haven’t heard back so maybe Monday she will decide what to do.

The pain levels have been unheard of. Pain kept on going from a 14 to a 16, down to a 12 then back up to a 14 after movement of some sort. At one point I was crying because I was just hurting so damn much. I really wanted to die. I ordered some stuff and it will arrive next week. Tuesday I have the neurosurg appointment and will decide whether or not to stay then depending on what the doctor has to say.

The therapist had said that she has a lot of time saved up that she has to use before it gets lost. So I might not be seeing her as much this month as she needs to take time off. I find this kind of weird as she has only been with the hospital for 3 years. You typically don’t get that much earned time during the first few years you start working. It gets more the longer you stay but not until after the 5 year vested pin has been issued. It just seems weird, unless she was working in another department in the hospital and just 3 years in the department she is now. That would make more sense. It kind of messes up my plans on whether or not to stay in therapy if I am not going to see her that much. Maybe seeing her less will be better for a while and then when she is back to working more regularly, we can then work on some things, like a specific trauma. I would like to talk more about the abuse that happened with my mother and the rape that I have never spoken about. She has pointed out to me several times that she doesn’t know my background on things so it is a fresh relationship. I told her about the second relationship I had and not the first. I will get around to it one day.

great wide open

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Great wide open

I did a few errands today and got my haircut. Today is week 60 of my transition so I posted pics on my FB page. I also posted to Twitter for those that aren’t on FB. I then sent the pics to my sisters. My youngest sister said that I looked like my father. I honestly don’t see it. She also said I lost weight. Thirty pounds since April and I still continue to lose. The increase in the Invega dose has increased my appetite some but not to what it was. I do get hungry on some days but I really don’t eat much. A sandwich will be enough to get me through the day. Tomorrow is Turkey day. I will be going over a friend’s house where I know I will stuff my face with turkey and stuffing because it is my favorite meal ever. Actually, turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce any day of the year is good to me. And mashed potatoes. There used to be this roast beef place that was in front of the hospital where I worked. They sold the best Thanksgiving sandwich. It was amazing. No sandwich has come close to it. I can’t even make it at home. I have tried though. Sometimes I will get the wraps, turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce and roll it all up for a sandwich but it isn’t the same.

Yesterday I had therapy. I don’t see her again for two weeks because she is on vacation. We were talking and I asked in all seriousness, why I should be in therapy. It was a valid question. She had no objection to me not being in therapy though she doesn’t advise to stop as I am suicidal. She wants me to write about why I want to discontinue therapy. I have to think on it. The thing is, since I was 15 I was made to feel that because I was depressed and suicidal, I had to be in therapy. There are millions of people who are depressed and suicidal yet they aren’t in therapy. Some can’t afford it or have insurance for it. I am not saying I don’t have a serious mental illness. I know I do have it. I didn’t have therapy most of this year and have only restarted the last five months as the therapist pointed out. I can’t believe it has been that long but it has been. Time seems to have stopped for me since my psych left. I sent her the transition pics and she is wow’d by the change.

I am not sure why I have to be in therapy. Other than processing old traumas that I have not done doesn’t seem like a good reason for me. I could stay just to process and then move on. I know it won’t help the suicidality much or maybe it will. I don’t know until the trauma is processed. I think the therapist likes me. She didn’t say it yesterday but I just got the sense. I was kind of out of sorts as the voices were not present and I felt so damn alone. I was trying to tell her how alone I felt and she had no clue. It was a tough session. She kept on reading my texts that I sent her. Apparently she can read it from her computer. I don’t know what kind of app that is that does it. I know I was feeling paranoid about her. I kept thinking she was going to laugh at me at any moment. She didn’t but it was a sense so maybe I can’t really judge my senses right now.

Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album next year. I don’t know when as she is still in the process of making it. It makes me happy that she will be coming out with new music. Only question will be, will I be around when it does get released.

you never loved me like I loved you

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You never loved me like I loved you

I am listening to Brett Young because his song “Mercy” is in my head. I am feeling low. Despite the soundwaves bothering me, I am listening to music because I need the distraction. I wish I could say that I had some kind of day but I can’t. I’ve been sleeping most of the day. I have no recollection of when I went to bed. I know that I took heavy duty drugs as I feel so hung over. I said in a tweet that I “OD” on gaba but whatever I took was not gaba as I was so out of it. I wet my underwear because I woke up too late to get up to pee. When I did get up I was a fucking zombie. I really haven’t drank anything. I tried the last few hours as I needed to take some miralax as the bowel have been stuck. Now that it’s about midnight, I think they are going to unleash.

I thought about telling either the psychopharm or therapist or both about what happened last night but I don’t think I am going to be cause I am too afraid of being punished. Or worse, being forced into another hospitalization. I am not saying I don’t need to be in the hosp, I probably do, but I don’t want to go there because my ankle is being a fuck right now and if I can’t control it with my meds at home, there is no way I would be able to control it while on a unit somewhere. Worse case is that the NP restricts my meds to a two week thing which will suck. I am so afraid of that happening because I am so suicidal but I don’t have any intention of overdosing on my meds. I just want to take ginger or a knife to the chest to end things.

Last night I was curious on how my psychologist friend died. I did a google search and found out. I wish I didn’t. He died by suicide. I broke into a million pieces. He is the second friend of mine to die this way in the last five years. I wish there was something I could have done to prevent it. He had been posting just once a day, which is kind of not like him. I met him on Twitter. I even went to his office to drop off cookies. We talked about cooking and stuff. He loved to cook. He sent me this awesome Christmas recipe for a cake that I love so much. It is Nantucket Cranberry cake. It is so damn good. I am hoping to get some ingredients tomorrow for my chocolate zucchini bread. I want to give some to my therapist and to share some to my friends on Thanksgiving. I don’t think she will mind a few pieces gone. Least, I hope so. I would make two, and maybe I will. I have never been good at separating batter so I might have to make it twice so I can have some for breakfast. I really love it. Sucks I was out of it today as I wanted to make cookies. Guess it will have to be another day for that. I just want to make the zucchini bread and that will be all. I think I can do it both at the same time so I don’t have to wait for one to be done for the other to go in the oven. HA. Genius!

feeling hurt and exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling hurt and exhausted

I’m going through a little (or maybe a lot) of gender dysphoria right now. Yesterday at the occupational therapy appointment, the therapist asked if I was going to have bottom surgery. Why the fuck do they need to know these things if this is NOT the reason I am seeing them!?!? If I was thinking or had it done, don’t you think it would be in my fucking record??? I am getting so pissed at handling this and then she said that there are a few doctors that work with women with spinal injuries. I went from being a male to a female in one fucking sentence. I am feeling so suicidal about this. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital where my care is at. It just hurts too much to be exposed this way.

This might sound sad but seeing as my therapist doesn’t want me to text her mundane things, I have decided to send those things to my alternative phone. This way I still get whatever I need to get out and there is no repercussions of whatever it is I say. I won’t be sharing this information with my therapist. There is no point in letting her know how pathetic I am.

Ankle/foot pain exploded about a half hour ago. Pain is a 14 right now and all I can think about is death. I emptied my bladder so I shouldn’t have to pee any time soon. I hope so anyway and as much as I want to drink right now because damn mouth is dry, I am not going to. I am sucking on lemonheads candy. Probably not a good idea it being right before bed but I don’t care. Sour taste can distract from pain so I am going to use it.

Next week I got appointments for the behavioral therapist, the NP psychopharm, my therapist, and the OT. Tues I see my therapist and then I won’t see her for two weeks. I get a break from her. She is out for the holiday and then she is leaving the country for a week. Totally messed up my plans. The day I see her when she is back is the day I wanted to end therapy or at least have a better idea about it. I am hoping to end things before my next birthday. I really don’t want to be a year older. It’s weird that I feel like I am twelve yet I also feel like I have the body of an 80 year old. Just feel like things would be better if I were dead.

I got an app thing where I can send texts now from my laptop. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that. I am such a geek.