I woke up around 5 this morning because my damn shoulder was bothering me again. I couldn’t go back to sleep but I kept dozing off and having weird dreams about being in the medical field. I finally got up when I had a strong enough urge to pee. I took my morning meds and then waited for pain meds to kick in before heading downstairs to brush my teeth and have coffee. It is nice out so I opened the back door to let some fresh air in the house. Pollen counts are high today and my eyes are already tearing.
I am going to shower today and shave. Just hope the pain meds keep my shoulder pain free so I can move my arm. I don’t know why it has been so painful lately and the only time it flares up is when I am sleeping. I don’t know how I am sleeping is annoying my shoulder. I should try sleeping hugging a pillow again or trying to. I start off hugging the pillow and then it ends up on the floor.
I am going to try and go to the mailbox today for a walk around the block. I need to mail my letter to get my name change document certified. I should have gotten it back when I first changed my name but I wasn’t thinking. I need to have a certified copy so I can get my passport renewed.
I am so fricken tired. I am determined not to nap again today though. I am going to try and keep moving. I might watch a movie today or some DVDs on China Beach. I love that series so much. Dana Delany is one of my faves. I really would love to see The American President again. I just don’t know where the DVD is.
My sister is going food shopping. I asked her to get me some half and half and some yogurt. I should ask her for some steak but I haven’t been in the mood to cook lately. I just have been making some simple things like fried eggs or scrambled eggs. I will be making a burger today.
Whatever thing that was irritating my urinary tract has cleared up. I am back to retaining like usual so I have put the alarm on to remind me to go. I put it for every four hours and I can change it as needed. I haven’t cathed in two weeks since the infection. Hopefully I won’t have to.
Like every Sunday, I need to fill my med box for the week. I usually do it around 2 pm so I don’t forget. It doesn’t take me long to do. I take 15 pills a day, not including my PRNs that I take. It is a lot to manage and remember.
I am kind of nervous about going to therapy this week. I had a little od last week and I let my therapist know about it. She was upset with me. I had texted her before I did it and got no response. Kind of pisses me off that I reach out and it isn’t until I do something that she responds. If she had said something like use my safety plan or something I might not have gone down that path. I am not blaming her as it was my choice to do what I did. I guess I figured in hindsight if maybe she said something sooner, it might have taken me out of the spiral I was in.
I’ve been down since July…
Been listening to the song Evermore by Taylor Swift. It is a song that I can relate to. It means so much to me. I am home alone and listening via my Bluetooth headset. I had two cups of coffee today and I am not feeling hungry at all despite just having the belVita biscuits with the coffee. I am trying to keep track of my bladder function by recording the times I void in an excel sheet on my phone. I just added cath to my med app so I know what time I am supposed to go by. I just drank a bunch of Gatorade so I am hoping to go soon. I am supposed to go every 4-6 hours, more if I drink a lot or have coffee. I have been sticking with the six hour mark rather than four because otherwise I would be cathing instead of voiding on my own. I just don’t get the urge till around really the 5 hour mark. This is all because of the nerve damage caused by the tethered cord that I had and needed surgery for a year ago.
It was a nice day yesterday. I drank my coffee on the back porch. I want to put a chair out there so I can go and sit on the porch and just be outside for a bit. I have to buy the chair. A plastic one so it can be easily washed and not have to worry about the weather spoiling it. Just will have to worry on windy days because it could get blown off the porch!
I had therapy Monday. It ended with me being annoyed. We were talking about my deconditioned body and she wants me to talk to my PT about what I can do about it. Basically it means more PT for me and she said I could have a year of it to regain my strength back. I think she is right. The idea of going back to PT doesn’t appeal to me but I know that I have to do it if I want the short of breath and tiredness to go away. Then I got depressed and we talked about that and how frustrated I am by the managing chronic pain book that I bought. As we ended she said not to work on it until our next session when we can do it together.
I need to shave and shower. I have PT this afternoon. I am not sure if I will be going because my bowels seem to be unpredictable right now. I might have a virtual appointment with her. I need to go out as it has been a week since I last left the house. I had my T shot today in my left nerve damaged thigh. I am kind of hurting but it isn’t too bad. My ankle is hurting me more than my thigh. Having the shot in my thigh always worries me. I need to walk it off and I will today when I go out for my appointment. It is going to be another nice day today, though cooler than it was yesterday.
Last night I was pretty depressed and suicidal. I don’t really know why. I just got overwhelmed with being sad and just wanted to die. I was listening to the song Exile by Taylor Swift. The lyrics were so powerful. I kept wondering why I am still alive. I want to be dead so bad yet the people around me keep me here and I resent them. I really wish I could live some where else so I can be away from my toxic family. I know being around my mother is not good for my mental health but I have no where else to go. I don’t earn enough money to pay rent somewhere. I can’t work. Just sucks and I will always have suicide as an option.
Cold cloudy Sunday
The temp dropped during the night and I woke up freezing around 0230. I was in pain and been taking pain meds throughout the night. Mostly been taking Zanaflex, Tylenol, and my breakthrough med. My whole left arm is hurting for some reason, from the shoulder to my hand. I haven’t lifted anything heavy in the last few days so I don’t know why it is bothering me. I just put on a long sleeve shirt because it is 64 degrees in my room. brrrrr
Four days till Opening Day at Fenway! I am very excited we are getting 162 days of baseball. Last year just sucked with 60 games. I don’t know if they will have the games broadcasted on the radio app this year or not. I hope they do so I can listen anywhere. My favorite pitcher got scratched for starting opening day due to dead arm. I really wanted to see him start off the season at home.
I am so tired so I just plan on staying in bed today. Only thing I have to do is my meds for the week. I should get rid of my recycle that has accumulated on my bed. I have empty Gatorade bottles at the foot of my bed. For some reason I can really suck down a 20 oz bottle faster than a 32 oz. I need to start preparing for changing my sheets again. I think I am going to wash the new sheets I have and then use them on my bed.
My neck is starting to hurt again. I need to put heat on my shoulders and neck. I haven’t done it in a few days because my neck wrap is on my bed and I keep forgetting to bring it down when I go downstairs. I’ve been wanting to make a cup of tea for a while now. I just haven’t had the patience to make a cup. I just want to stay on my bed all the time.
WordPress changed the way they set up blogs. I don’t like it because you got to write out the tags and categories instead of just clicking on them like before. Pain in the ass. What normally took me 10 minutes to do now takes 20. Sucks. I hate the change. I knew it was going to happen when they had two ways of creating a blog. It was just a matter of time before they gave you the option you didn’t like.
I have therapy tomorrow. This week for appointments aren’t too bad. I have PT and I see my psychiatrist. I can’t wait to see my PT because my shoulder is so bad. I have been trying to decrease the time I spend on my phone but it has been difficult. I was waiting for a book to come yesterday but it won’t be in until next week. I am so bummed. It’s a baseball history book that one of the baseball people I follow on Twitter recommended to me. I think it is what I am looking for in the history of team names and such.
Saturday Blog 27032021
I ran a lot of errands today. I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well last night either because I kept on waking up with the blankets off me. I was cold. The temp dropped during the night. It is a nice 66 degrees in my room right now, a little on the chilly side but I like cold. My back is hurting me. I stood longer than I should have while doing my errands. I shaved and showered today. I also put gel in my hair to spike it up. It didn’t spike the way I wanted to so it just looks like my hair is standing up. I think I used the wrong kind of gel.
My bladder started the day before 8 am. I couldn’t go back to sleep after I took my meds so I just had coffee. I forgot to brush my teeth. I have been forgetting more often than not lately. I need to be better about it. I will try later after I take my night meds to brush.
It’s 50 degrees out but it is getting really windy out so it’s probably closer to 45 degrees out. I have my ceiling fan on but am thinking about shutting it off because I am getting cold. I really just want to get under the covers and sleep. Last night I went to bed before 8 pm and I was up all hours of the night. Sometimes in pain other times I just couldn’t go back to sleep or had to pee.
My neck is starting to hurt. I can’t remember the last time I put heat on it. I don’t feel like going downstairs. My legs hurt too much to do stairs. I am listening to my top 25 songs, which is mostly Eric Church’s album Mr. Misunderstood. I am not surprised as I have listened to it more than a hundred times. It is one of my favorite albums. So many good songs are on this album. I am really shocked they didn’t release Mixed drinks with feelings. I love this song so much it is in competition with One Number Away by Luke Combs.
I just took my night meds. The new alpha blocker hasn’t caused me any dizziness so far. I have decided that I need to take Miralax every day if I want to have a bowel movement. There is no other way. The senna seems to keep me in check once the hard stuff goes. It is getting the hard stuff to go that is the problem. I have to be careful because if I over do it, I will have bowel accidents and that kills me every time they happen. The last time it happened my sister was in the shower and I didn’t want to bother her so I thought I could hold it. Yeah right. Truly sucked.