Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

ramblings 151

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 151

I was bored so did some shopping on Amazon. I really shouldn’t have as my funds are getting low. Then, of course, it recommended stuff to me. I found a Moleskin notebook that I plan on getting when I get paid next. It’s sapphire blue, my favorite color and 240 pages. It will make for a decent journal.

The Sox won so I have decided to get a frame for the WinDanceRepeat photo that I have, which prompted my shopping on Amazon. I need a frame for the photo so I can hang it up. Maybe it will give them the luck they need to keep on winning games. It’s getting close to do or die time. They are in first place with a 4 game lead. I don’t know if the Skankees played today or not. My Twitter feed was filled with stupid shit. One of the people I followed was posting youtube videos so that is all I saw, which made me bored. I was too lazy to go to MLB.com to check out the scoreboard. I am sure I will find out sooner or later.

My weird pain that I had earlier today has returned. It went away with meds but I think it wore off and now it has returned. I don’t know if I will sleep. I got a lot on my mind tonight so decided to write again to try and sort it out. Or I could just talk about nothing but whatever comes to mind.

I am still feeling happy about having a concrete diagnosis about my pain. I was talking to my next door neighbor. She was dogsitting another neighbor’s dog. Surprisingly, the dog let me pet her. Usually she sniffs me and then walks away. I told her that after 7 years, I finally have a diagnosis and don’t have to see anymore docs, except for the ones I am seeing. The new doc that I am seeing in Oct is the only new doc that I will see, unless he refers me to the CRPS specialist in his practice. I am so tired of seeing docs who have no idea what is wrong with me and then brush me off or send me to another doctor or physical therapy. The last physiatrist I saw didn’t think I had CRPS, which then planted the doubts in my mind and my PCP’s. He also stupidly diagnosed me with Morton’s Neuroma, which I do not have. He squeezed the side of my foot that hurts me and that was why I screamed at him. I tried to explain that to him but it was too late. He already made up his mind that was what I had. Jerk off. I never went back to see him. When I see my neuro in a couple weeks, I will tell her to send her notes to the new neuro and my PCP. I am going to ask that those notes to my PCP have bullet points and exclamation marks and highlights. This way here when I see him in Oct, the ass doesn’t say I need to see another damn doctor and it’s clear that I do have CRPS. I think the new neuro is before his appt. I need to check my calendar.

I haven’t thought much about therapy. I suppose I should give it some thought but it’s not there. I wish he was a little more clear about the “other stuff” that I think about that is causing the symptoms of PTSD. I kind of know where he is coming from but it would be nice for him to say the words. Maybe one day I will write out the story of my second life that I lived in my fantasy world that I had to create to survive my childhood. I don’t know if it will be a blog or not. Might just be a word doc for a while. It was quite elaborate. I had such imagination at that age. It’s too bad I never wrote anything down that was useful. I was always afraid of being found out so I wrote in code and then later when I read it, I had no idea what the hell was going on.

Last night when I had the stabbing, tearing, twisting knife pain flare up, I distracted myself by watching my favorite movie, The Waterboy with Adam Sandler. I love that movie. I really want to watch Titanic but I have no idea what I did with the DVD. It’s somewhere in my room as I recently bought it. I had to buy another copy because I only had disc 1. I thought about watching Lincoln again but really didn’t feel like watching a 3 hour movie. I really want to watch Money Pit but I have no idea where that DVD is. I think it is in my case but I don’t know where that is. I don’t remember what I did with it. I think it is buried somewhere in my room. I’ll find it when I go looking for something else. That is how it works.

My foot is throbbing. It just hit midnight and I am tired but can’t seem to fall asleep. I am in a lot of pain. I want to get my haircut tomorrow. I just hope I can walk. I want to go in the morning because my pain levels are lower. I look like a chia pet right now as my hair has grown out. I want to feel the baldness of my head again. Just the back and sides. The top I leave a little something.

no McDonalds today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No McDonalds today

I had breakfast and made coffee. I went up to my room to read and drink my coffee. I finished the book The Adventures of Maya the Bee. It was a cute little story. After finishing my coffee and the book, I was getting hungry and wondering what to make for lunch. I was thinking of going into town so I could get McDonalds as there is not one in my town that is easy to get to. There is one on the border but getting back home would be a hassle. But those thoughts faded as my pain shot up from a 5 to a 20 in a heartbeat. I was hurting and still am, so bad that the pain brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t move my ankle at all and then it started pulsating. I took the strong pain med because I can’t take the regular med for another couple of hours. I also took an Ativan to calm myself as I am just craze with suicidal ideas right now. I felt like emailing my psych that I would take the bottle of Neurontin and call it a day but knew that would get a phone call. I put on Pearl Jam and tried to distract until the pain meds and Ativan work their magic.

The pain is down to the bone so I doubt lidocaine can reach it. It feels like someone is stabbing me and pulling me apart at the same time. It’s awful. I just want to chop my ankle off. Or die. I just feel really horrible. I want to take a nap but I fear that lying down will increase my pain and set off PTSD.

My neurologist got back to me last night. I am really happy to say that she does think I have CRPS, so it’s no longer a guessing game. She does want me to see the new neurologist that I have an appt with in Oct. See what he thinks. She asked if they were a part of the system and I told her he was. I forgot to ask her to send off a flare gun to my PCP to tell him that I do indeed have CRPS and to stop sending me to every Tom, Dick, and Mary that has an MD. I am tired of seeing doctors. I have no idea what this neuro in Oct is going to say or do. It’s at 0800 so my pain levels will be low, provided I get enough sleep to make the appt.

My mother came home from shopping. She was at my Aunt’s house before she went shopping. Then when she came home, she got into an argument with her on the phone. I had to stop the music I was listening to to see what all the yelling was about, and who was yelling. It was my mother. I called her when she hung up and she was very annoyed. I asked if she was okay and she just said yeah. I left it at that. I really didn’t care what the argument was about, probably something stupid. I just hate when my mother gets aggravated because of her heart condition.

I’m trying to think of ways to soothe myself while my ankle is going off like fireworks but nothing is really working. Pearl Jam is helping to take my mind off the stupid pain. I can’t go on Twitter because the feed is all about the situation with North Korea and the US. Two toddler leaders with nukes is not a very good situation. And the Cheeto keeps saying there is a “leak” in reports when he, himself, is the leaker as he tweets about things he shouldn’t. Dumbass. Wish someone would take his phone or whatever he is using to tweet away from him. WWIII doesn’t need to be started because of an insult.

ramblings 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 321

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4 am and then woke up every two hours. I gave up around 8 and stayed up for a little while and then took a nap until around 1. I was so tired. The therapist that I was looking forward to seeing was a bust. I was “too sick” for the organization. I am bullshit. Just another drop to my self-esteem about how the mental health field thinks it’s all rosey and no one needs to be suicidal or have psychosis or hospitalizations. What a joke.

I emailed my psych with the news. I see her Friday. I told her I guess I am stuck with my dipshit therapist for now. I am too exhausted to search for new therapists. He is on vacation next week so I have another break from him. I might email him with something sarcastic about how I felt about yesterday’s session. I am still processing it.

Last night I asked my brother in law about ceiling fans as I think the one in my room is on its way out. Over the weekend, it started making noises. I have been using it non stop all summer as it helps circulate the AC air. I have it on its lowest setting right now. He said he will look at it today to see what the problem is. I hope I don’t have to get a new one. I have a low ceiling so I need one that is similar to the one I have. I was looking at Amazon and they actually have someone to install it for you. Score. I think I found one that would be good. I want one light not multiple like my current one. I really just use two lights of the four anyways because otherwise, the room is way too bright. I mostly use my desk lamp anyways.

I am feeling pretty crappy, both physically and mentally. My ankle and mouth are still giving me grief. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and it hurt to chew. Mentally I am just exhausted from all the chronic pain that I have been feeling. I just want to give up. I just muddle through the day and am always exhausted. My mother is making zucchini for supper. She is baking it rather than frying it. It’s my favorite squash in the summer and I don’t even care to eat it. I’m just really bummed that I was turned down to that therapy organization because of the severity of my mental illness.

A fellow blogger was telling me about how she had published her book, free, through a website called Lulu.com. She said in the blog that they would distribute the book through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Seeing as my second book isn’t selling, I decided to have it on this site. http://www.lulu.com/shop/g-collerone/darkness-always-wins-short-stories-about-mental-illness/paperback/product-23287461.html
The process was way more easier than Amazon’s CreateSpace process. Maybe because I had already done the formatting and things it was easier, I don’t know. I just know that I clicked on this, uploaded, wrote a few things, and boom, published. They are selling my book at a lower rate than Amazon and the royalty is not the same. I get less than three bucks per book sold. But if it helps people get my book out there, I am for it.

I went to Walgreens as I had to pick up my prescription. My brother in law was leaving the house at the same time and offered me a ride. Given my ankle has been hurting me all day, I took it. I didn’t want to aggravate it and be in more pain. He had a few other errands so I went along. I didn’t leave the vehicle except for Walgreens. I had left my wallet at home so I couldn’t get anything even if I wanted it. Even though I didn’t walk around or anything, I am still tired. I just want to nap but yesterday I did that and then I was up all fricken night. I just couldn’t sleep. I was so tired but just couldn’t sleep. Every time I laid down, my ankle/foot went berserk on me.

My brother in law came up a little while ago. He said the blades of the ceiling fan are loose. He needs to take the thing apart to tighten it up. Tomorrow. So maybe I don’t need to get a new ceiling fan after all. One less expense.

never ending. It just goes on and on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Never ending. It just goes on and on

I’m trying to settle down for sleep but a new pain keeps popping up when I lie down, when I sit up, when I take my meds, when I move it, etc. It is fucking never ending. I am not doing a damn thing tomorrow, least that is the plan for now.

I sent an email to my psychiatrist asking her if I was a difficult patient. I briefly discussed my therapy session with my therapist and that the therapy group down the hall from him contacted me. Unfortunately, it got filtered to my junk mail so I didn’t get it until I got home. My phone doesn’t get junk mail for they could be viruses embedded in what they send. Last thing I need is a virus on my phone.

I just sent an email to my neurologist asking her if she could help me out by confirming that I do indeed have CRPS as my PCP just wants to pass me off to another doctor. I am tired of seeing new doctors who aren’t helpful and then just want to pass me off or not treat/see me anymore. I see my neuro in two weeks. It was kind of a long email but I don’t care. My stupid phone kept on inserting different words as I typed, which annoyed the crap out of me. I should have just typed it on my laptop so I wouldn’t get aggravated. Lesson learned.

My foot feels like it is being strangled. There is such a pressure on it like it’s going to burst. I am so tired that I am reaching the over tired stage, which is dangerous because I could catch my second wind and then be up all night. I took an Ativan because along with the strangulation, my ankle is pulsating. The little muscles are twitching. This condition is so frustrating because there is never ending different kinds of pain. I wish I could see a doctor at this hour so they can see or I can try to explain to them what living with this condition is like. All I can do is send them an email and then not get a response. But at least by writing it out, it helps me because at least I have documentation that I wrote this to a doctor.

I still am shocked that in the great medical hub of Boston, I have not found a doctor that is willing to help me. Sure, my PCP gives me pain meds to alleviate my pain. I appreciate that. But he doesn’t want to stop there. Right now my diagnosis is in the air and it is making everything seem like we haven’t tried enough. I am tired of this merry go round. I want off. I asked my neuro if she could possible give me a concrete diagnosis and staple it on my PCP’s head. Well, I didn’t say that. But if she could send a note to him saying I have this dreaded condition, then maybe I don’t have to see yet another new doc. There is no treatment for this condition. I know this. My PCP knows this, my neuro knows this. But opioids help me and if I don’t have them, I am good as dead. I have exhausted physical therapy. I have tried injections. I have tried rest. This is no longer a case of tendonitis. It is deeper than that.

The pain is changing all the fucking time, all over my ankle, foot, toes, bones. It hurts every where. Normally, at this hour, I would be writing a morbid story about ending my life. That is what this blog was about. My suicidal thoughts in the cybersphere. But then one day someone took it too far and called the cops on me so I no longer talk about those things, even though it relieves the tendencies to act. Thoughts are NOT the same as feelings. And feelings does not mean act upon them. It is okay to feel. It is ok to think. Here is a quote from the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman that I had the pleasure of talking to him before he died.

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I write these blogs because I still am struggling night after night, day after day. Pain increases my vulnerability to think of self-destruction. I have the means though no one talks about restricting them. I told my psychiatrist I have something that will end my life but still, she doesn’t ask about it when I see her. She never does. Poor assessment of risks. So does my therapist who knows damn well that I have chronic suicidal thoughts. It makes me angry that I am not treated the way I was with my former therapist, Bozo. She was annoying, I will give her that, but she fucking cared and if I had a method she damn well tried to take it away from me the best she could. I really miss her. Yesterday was her birthday. I wonder if I will be alive to see mine. I really am surprised that you CAN get anything off of Amazon. While I was searching for my method, they had machetes. Machetes!! I don’t think I would have the will power to use it to chop my ankle off but I know a chainsaw would do the job. I refuse to search for it because I know in my darkest of moments, I may just buy it. I’ll go all Scarface on my ankle and groin to sever my artery.

I am once again plagued by dark thoughts. All because I can’t sleep and I am in pain that is never ending. It just goes on and on.