Tag: depression

Sunday Morning Blog 14032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Morning Blog 14032021

I had my morning coffee and some breakfast. It is so quite without my mother. My sister is still getting my mother’s room straightened out. I think she is hanging curtains today. Both my sisters have worked their asses off to get her room as comfortable as possible and my mother hates it. I just don’t get it as she agreed with what they were doing but then after it was done, she didn’t like the outcome. Oh well.

I have therapy tomorrow and I want to work on ways of coping with the misgendering. I want so bad to text my sisters about being their brother but I’m scared it will come as defensive and they will reject me. I have so many feelings about this. It’s bad enough my mother is calling me a whatever whenever I bring up that I am her son.

I think my coffee is broken because I am so tired right now that I can go back to sleep. My ear is hurting me and I am not sure if it is because the muscles around the ear are tight or if there is something wrong with my ear. I hate this guessing game. My PT is on vacation this week so I am off from PT. I just got to do my exercises. I am getting better slowly but surely.

I don’t have many appointments this week. Just have therapy scheduled. I hope the weather will be nice so I can go out. It is nice today but really windy. I also hope the stimulus money gets deposited tomorrow. That would be nice so I can pay my bills off a little bit. I really want to buy a new mattress. The one I have is just about 20 years old.

My bowels have been stubborn the past few days. I have been taking Miralax but stool are hard and hurt when I pass a movement. I keep trying to remember to take the Miralax every day but it gets exhausting. I don’t want to take too much and then have the opposite problem. I still am having trouble with my bladder. I go for testing in about 10 days. I am kind of nervous about this test. It is so invasive. It doesn’t hurt though, thank god. I am almost a year post op from the tethered cord surgery.

Last week I started writing a thing about my thirty years in therapy. I didn’t get too far because I was writing from my laptop. I think if I write it out on paper it will be better. I just got to find a notepad to write it out on. I have several laying around. I just got to grab it. I think it will be a good article. I want it to be at least 1000 words.

A Day of Misgendering

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A Day of Misgendering

Yesterday my mother’s occupational therapist kept misgendering me as well as my sister who called me sister instead of brother. My mother’s blood pressure was low and so I had to stay with her while going through with her doctors on what to do about it. My mother was not a good patient as she didn’t want to stay still. I told her she had to stay sitting or laying down and she said she doesn’t take orders from her daughter. I said I am not your daughter and she replied then whatever you are. I said oh really and she was indignant as she said yes, whatever you are. I felt so hurt. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. She became more stable as the day progressed and I was glad we didn’t have to take her to the hospital. But the damage was done to my heart. I don’t think I can forgive her for this.

With all the care that my mother required and with me walking all over the house, my back flared up. I had groceries delivered and that just made things worse. I some how managed though. I think my back being flared up is messing with my bladder. I have been having trouble urinating all week. My urologist finally got back to me and if I haven’t gone in 8+ hours I need to cath. So now I got to keep track of my voids again. I have no idea if I am emptying completely or not. I made an appointment for urodynamic testing in a couple of weeks.

Because I had to take care of my disrespectful mother, I had to cancel therapy. I hated doing it because I really wanted to talk to my therapist about the misgendering. I was pretty angry and hurt about this. I kept having to say that I am my mother’s son and it just wasn’t registering. I felt pretty hopeless about being a transgender around my family. I thought my sisters would get that I am their brother because I set them memes about how a brother loves their sister. I guess it didn’t click.

I need to shave and shower today. My hair is getting to be manageable again, though the top is too long and needs to be cut. I didn’t realize how long it was until I started shaving my head and it went up like a mohawk. I want to go out today. It is really nice outside and warm. I want to get a steak and maybe I can grill it as my sister has the BBQ on her porch. I wouldn’t mind getting some steak tips either. My mother’s PT is coming in a little while so I might do it after he leaves.

shower and a shave

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shower and shave

I need to shave my head and shower today. I am getting very stinky. I should trim my armpit hair. I haven’t done it in a while. It just grows so damn fast, like the hair on my head. I am really congested today with allergies. Today is supposed to be nice out. I am sure I will overdress and be hot. I will probably sweat a lot, too. I got PT today. My mother does, too.

I had a good session with my therapist on Mon. We talked about my suicidality and how I would like things to proceed from now on. We are going to continue working with the chronic pain workbook and I am to do the Crisis Response Plan. It has been hard to do. I haven’t been suicidal so I haven’t done it. I did write it out in my therapy book. I got to put it in my journal. She wants to work with me and I am glad because I really don’t want another therapist.

Baseball spring training is underway. I haven’t watched it because I really don’t watch TV. I don’t know if it has been on the radio or not. They are now doing 9 inning games so it would be worthwhile to see or hear it. They don’t have it on their radio app which sucks. I don’t know if games are going to be on the app this year or not. It was wonderful last year as I could play it anywhere I go and could listen along as I carried my phone with me around the house. I caught every pitch. It was really good.

I finally was able to get my songs on Dropbox off and put it on my phone for Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. I can finally listen to the songs from that awesome night. I still can’t believe I fell asleep midway through her singing. Her voice is so soothing to me so I am not surprised. I am so happy she has her acoustic album.

I have been trying to get my mother to use he/him pronouns with me and she is still resisting it. Yesterday my nephew called me a he and then my mother was like she. I feel so invalidated when she does this. Even when I told her I was her son her response was like “whatever”. I hate that she is like this. I will never understand how a parent can reject their child, never. More stuff to talk to in therapy about.

Since I have been eating regularly, I stopped losing weight. I actually gained some weight but I am still under 200 pounds. I still hate my body. I still want the things on my chest to be gone, completely. Eventually I will get a hysterectomy so I can find out if my bladder is cramping or not. Yesterday I had to email my urologist because I have been retaining again. There have been long stretches where I don’t void. The other day was nearly sixteen hours since my last void. I thought I would have to cath. Yesterday voiding was okay, nearly every three hours I was urinating. It still scares me that I might have to cath again one of these days.

I need to empty my recycles. I have a lot of Gatorade bottles in my room. I just have been so lazy to bring them all the way to the first floor where the recycle bin is. I will try and do that today as tomorrow is trash day.

Sunday Blog 07032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 07032021

I am sitting in my kitchen while the floor guys work on my stairs and floors. The smell is awful. It is cold outside so I won’t open a window just yet. My shoulder is tingly this morning. I put heat on it and that settled it down some. Now it is back to tingly. I don’t know why it tingles and just in one spot. I wish I brought clothes down so I could take a shower. I won’t be able to go up to my room at least until tonight. Going to be another long day of sitting. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I got my roller bag in my room. The porch is blocked off so I can’t get the reusable bags. Sucks. I won’t be able to go to the grocery store anyways as I don’t have jeans on. I just have my PJs. I don’t have access to my room because the stairs are still wet. I think the guys are done now. I can’t imagine it taking too long to put down another coat of poly.

I am going to try and write today. I am writing an essay I hope to be 1000 words about being in therapy for thirty years. I just hope I can stay on topic. I wish I had my notebook it would be easier to write. Then I could type it all up. I find that I write better that way than writing off the word document.

I am having a second cup of coffee because I am so tired. Yesterday I had two cups too, though I didn’t finish the second cup. I had to go downstairs for a sweatshirt because I can’t go upstairs to get mine. I am wearing my brother in law’s and it is nice and roomy. I also brought up a scarf as the window is behind me and bothers my neck. It is cold today. I have to open the windows and door to let the smell of the poly go out.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. I was finally able to get it off of dropbox and put the music on my phone. It took several attempts for my stupid MP3 player to recognize it. I love this acoustic album. She always wanted one and I am glad she finally got it with all her great songs. There are 26 songs so it is about two hours and ten minutes or so long. It was a wonderful evening. I fell asleep the first time I heard it because it was so soothing and relaxing. I had to listen to it again. A few days after the concert the songs were available for purchase. I bought them right away. I love her music so much.

My sister made chicken cacciatore for dinner. It was really good. I had some soup before I went downstairs to eat so I am pretty full right now. My mother liked it. It was a good family meal. I feel so tired right now. I want to check on the floor to see if it is tacky or not so I can go upstairs to my room. I think it will be good in a couple of hours so I am trying to be patient. I did check and the floor and stairs aren’t tacky so I can go up them. Thank god. I need my bed. I am so tired from sitting in a chair all day. I got heat on my neck and shoulders right now. My neck pain is starting to act up again. I need to do my meds for the week and then lay down. I need to rest my neck as I have been sitting straight all day.