Tag: hopelessness

Free form blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality

Writing this from phone so who knows if it will substitute words…

My CRPS foot has swelled up. Big toe is huge and foot is a melon. I have no idea why. I might have put more weight on it because of the heel pain in my right foot. Either way I cannot get the damn lower leg to relax enough so I can bloody sleep! Like WTF. I turn it this way and that and the muscles start trembling, in my foot and lower leg. I am fucking tired.

I got about two or three suicide notes to write. I got to find my post that have these lyrics because stupid me didn’t put the date on anything and it is bugging me. I am waiting for meds to kick in. Took another melatonin and ativan. Also took baclofen for the tremors. I don’t know what else to take.

Oh and you should NOT MIX ATIVAN/LORAZEPAM WITH ALCOHOL, LIKE EVER.

Just had to get that off my chest. I have been in bad moods before but this sucks. I am now feeling hopeless things will get better. I have PT tomorrow and no idea if I will be able to walk. I might get my nephew to drive me, if he isn’t doing anything. But not sure he will like going near where my father used to live and I don’t want to trigger him.

I wrote two more notes. Think two more are in order and then I will feel better to those left behind. Still few weeks away. Still may not go through with it. But it is on my mind tonight. Chronic pain is driving this more than anything or anyone else. I am just s hopeless case with bipolar disorder and unbearable pain, physical and emotional. I always knew one day I would die by my own hand. I just wish it was sooner than now. Last year was the right time. I wasted opportunity after opportunity. I just can’t deal with this bullshit anymore. Night after night after night of pain and no sleep. I’ve reached my breaking point. I call uncle.

Psychache scale

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

hello,

I am probably breaking the rules but this is my version of the Holden psychache scale that he used in this paper Development and preliminary validation of a scale of psychache.
By Holden, Ronald R.,Mehta, Karishma,Cunningham, E. Jane,McLeod, Lindsay D.
Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement, Vol 33(4), Oct 2001, 224-232

I modified it from the original to suit my needs. You can get the original scale by getting the article. Here is also a blog I wrote on the research article (click here)

PS blank

Merry Festivus

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Merry Festivus

I don’t like Seinfeld, at all. He just annoys me but I hate my birthday more so Festivus this is. I had an okay day. We didn’t go out for pizza but stayed in because everyone has a cold. I was glad because my mother could be with us. She wasn’t feeling well either and she kindly gave me her cold for my birthday. When I told her, she said that she wasn’t near me. I then point at common things we touch and she still didn’t get it. I was bad at using hand sanitizer when I got back to my room. So I blame myself for getting sick.

My cousin came over to give me a card. That was nice of her. She always gives me something. She is so sweet. My mother made the cake like she wanted. I told her no sprinkles as I don’t like them and we argued about it. I had some spiked eggnog that my sister made last night. It was potent. I couldn’t finish the little glass that I had. I then took some Nyquil when I came back to my room as I was feeling crummy. My ankle gave out when I stood up. And again when I stood up after using the toilet. FUN! I am in so much pain it isn’t funny. I can’t breathe well. It is cold in my room. I just wanted to write something as I didn’t write yesterday.

I am supposed to see my friends on Christmas Day but I don’t want to get anyone sick. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I took mega doses of vitamin D. I swear by it to help colds. I hope that I am feeling better but sometimes it takes a few days for the D to work. I am trying to drink a lot of fluids but it is hard when you don’t feel well.

My cousin texted me. She apologized for not sending out a Christmas card this year. I was puzzled as I just got one from her yesterday. I told her and she was like she was “stunata”. I laughed. I haven’t heard that word in so long. That is the Italian word for stupid or dumb. She said we need to go for lunch after the holidays and I must keep on her to go. I said okay.

Aside from being in pain, I had a relatively good day. No one annoyed me which was good. I am so glad I blocked my aunt because she is on Facebook all the fucking time. I am just aggravated I didn’t do it sooner when she sent the request. Bitch talks about everything she reads on FB. One woman I am glad was not at my party. I wish I got a pic of my nieces and nephew. I love them so much. I always forget to take pictures. Probably because I hate the damn camera. I don’t mind reading Twitter but put a camera on me, forget it. Which is why my transition pics are getting farther and farther apart. I keep forgetting to take them. I lost track on how many days it has been. I have my T shot this week. I will try and post something for that day.

The I should have stayed in bed day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The I should have stayed in bed day

I woke up at 6 with my entire body feeling like spaghetti. I knew if I just laid there it would get worse so I sat up to take an Ativan before it could. When I sat up, my damn foot exploded. It was three hours before I had to take my morning pain med so I took a breakthrough med. I should have known today was going to be shitty and just stayed in bed but I wanted to descale my sister’s Keurig. I followed the instructions and that would be it? Right?

Three hours later, I woke up. Took my meds. I was in pain but it wasn’t as bad as three hours ago. I grabbed what I needed and headed to down to my sister’s. My niece wasn’t up yet. Teenager so it was early for her. I had my coffee and when I was finished, I started the descaling. I made sure I had things right and followed everything. I did 3 rinses and was going to do a fourth. I shut the machine off while I filled the reservoir for the final rinse, and when I put it on the machine, I turned it on. Nothing happened. I turned it on and off again. Then on and waited like 15 minutes. I think I burned out the heating mechanism as it was dead silent. I had no clue what I did wrong. I felt super bad about this. I will buy my sister a new machine Monday when I get paid. I hate that they have no coffee for the weekend. Maybe I will get them a Dunkin card to compensate for them having to buy coffee. I feel really horrible this happened. I texted my sister when she got out of work. I got no response other than omg after I said I was so sorry.

I checked on the machine a couple of hours to see if cooling down would make it work again and it didn’t. My niece didn’t eat anything but cereal. She refused anything else. I wasn’t going to fight with her.

I went to nap and my foot became an ice pack and it felt like I had a penetrating ice cube on one spot of my foot. I tried to ignore it but it didn’t work. On went the socks and heating pad. Now my damn foot is hotter than hot. I got up to take my night meds and holy fuck. It felt like I was compressing all the bones in my ankle joint and the ligaments/tendons went with them because they didn’t know what else to do. Every time I stand up I have this pain. It is so excruciating. The heel pain has sort of gotten better. I got these gel pads and they have really helped. I am going to try it in the “real world” aka outside in my sneaker. I am not going to go to therapy on Monday. I have been feeling so off. Yesterday I felt like death. I barely ate and my sister had these candles that kept making me sneeze and made my nose run. I had to take 2 benadryl last night to stop my nose from running away. I was so miserable.

I ate good today. I haven’t had the custard pie yet. I had the chocolate pie for breakfast. I always do after thanksgiving. I hate calling it that because white people were so mean to the Natives and continue to be so why celebrate their generosity when we took all their land away or killed them for it or just killed them because they retaliated or infected them with smallpox and other European diseases. It was no better than what the Nazis did to the Jewish population in the 1930s and 1940s. Yet Americans had to save them then shun them. Got humans are so rotten to one another. Not all humans but those with the white supremacy attitudes. Makes me sick to my stomach. And the fucking NRA quotes the Constitution to say something after an ED doc got killed while the “This is our lane” banter was going on. I felt like saying to them, so you are perfectly fine with a 2 year old finding a handgun under a pillow and killing themselves all because the second amendment gives the kid the right to bear arms??? Seriously??? The gun should have had a gun lock on it or the safety on at least. I honest have never owned a gun or even looked at one other than the rifle my father used to own but he was fucking crazy and wanted to kill my cousin or shoot people that pissed him off so he should NOT have had a gun! But I really think gun owners that want to work with legislation on how to control mass shootings would be a HUGE help. I honestly don’t think the Constitution wanted bump stocks and magazines and military grade weapons for civilians. But if you are against what I am talking about, go find another fucking blog to read because you are part of the problem. Do you cheer every time there is a mass shooting? Seriously, go fuck yourself with your gun. I am tired of school kids fearing for their lives, having drills and then worrying about exams. Kind of pointless if they are dead. I have a 13 year old niece and it scares me and must terrify my sister. I hope it doesn’t happen but I know the rhetoric “it won’t happen here” doesn’t work. 4 teenagers died in the town over from me from laced weed! So I know it can happen anywhere. OK I am off my soapbox for today. Hope you all be safe and say I love you a little more often.