Tag: hopelessness

feeling shitty and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling shitty and other things

I woke up with my back feeling tight. It has been cramping on and off all day. The weather has not been helping as it has been cold and rainy. I have been sort of depressed because today is the anniversary of my aunt’s death as well as my cousin’s birthday. He has been dead for the past several years. I miss both of them. I still have no cried for my aunt’s death and it has been a year. I just can’t seem to let the tears fall. It has been quite a while since I last cried. I think being on an SSRI prevents me from crying because I know when I am off it, I am more tearful.

I felt depressed and so I texted my therapist again about it. Told her I would read if my concentration is there. I have yet to open a book. I just don’t feel like reading. I have been reading Twitter and like that Georgia has turned blue. I also like that Biden got 306 electoral votes. There is no question who the president is now. The toddler now has to concede. And I hope he does so peacefully. You never know what a maniac like him will do. I am so fearful, especially after Pompeo stated that Trump will be in his second term. I just have a bad feeling about this. I wish Jan 20th was a lot closer than it is.

I managed to eat today. I wasn’t hungry but I ordered some food. I am full now so I don’t think I will be eating anything else today. My ankle has been bothering me and my other foot has been cramping up on me if I move it a certain way. I can’t get any relief. I have been trying to drink fluids to keep hydrated but it is tough. I think I am going to go back on the magnesium because I can’t take the cramps anymore. It really helped ease them more than medication. It also helps with the bowels so I plan on taking it slow as I don’t want to have accidents again.

In baseball news, the Marlins hired their first female General Manager, Kim Ng. I am happy for her and hope she does well. Cora has been hired by the Sox. I am glad he is back with the team. I think he is a good manager. I just hope they keep Jackie Bradley, Jr. That is my Christmas wish. I will be really sad if he leaves the Sox. He is one of my favorite players. The Sox will be a complete fool if they let him sign with another team.

I didn’t nap today. I might when I finish this blog. I am so tired from not sleeping. I was up most of the night because of pain. I tried going back to sleep after my med alarm went off but I didn’t. I took my meds early last night because I wanted to go to bed early. That wasn’t a good idea no matter how well intentioned. I ended up waking up in the early morning hours anyway. Hope tonight is better.

Anxiously Awaiting the Results of the Election

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxiously awaiting the results of the election

It has been two days since the election and we are not closer to finding out who won. We think we might have a chance but it can go either way. I am so fricken nervous about this. I have purposely been on the minimum of reading Twitter. Facebook is a little lighter in content but I have a few friends that are posting about it and it gets me rattled. All we can do now is wait until all the votes are counted, which is an arduous task.

I didn’t have supper so I ordered some cheeseburgers from McD’s. I couldn’t finish the second one. I did have the chicken nuggets that I ordered. I always order chicken nuggets. I am a nugget freak.

Later today I hope to do some errands and empty my recycling as it has piled up. I have two big bags of stuff. I also need to take out my trash. I got to empty my bucket by the bed first as it is close to being full. Yesterday I had no energy to do anything as my back was in bad shape. I still haven’t heard from the docs about increasing the dose of Zanaflex. I hope to hear from my neuro today about it. She is very slow in communications.

I haven’t had a bowel movement in two days. I just took some magnesium for two reasons, 1 to help the spasms in my back and 2 for bowel management. I haven’t been taking them because they have been causing loose stool so I stopped it on my pcp’s advice. Now I can’t go to save my life. I took some Miralax so hopefully I will have a movement today. Sometimes it takes a few days though and then unexpectedly, I will have colon blow. Not a good thing to have when you don’t have control over loose stool.

We made a compromise in therapy. For the month of November, I get three weeks of talking about anything stupid thing I want to talk about. But there has to be one week where there is treatment involved. I agreed to this. She wanted to switch to every other week but then changed her mind. I think this will be a good thing and might help me to talk more in therapy.

I am tired. It is a little after 4 am. I woke up around 0230 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. Probably because I was hungry. When I go on my errand I want to buy a snickers bar. I have been craving one since Halloween. I usually have candy but this year my brother in law didn’t put it out because of Covid. I don’t think Halloween was allowed in our town.

I see my psychiatrist today. I got to ask him if he will be doing bloodwork because I am on the new antipsychotic. My weight hasn’t changed. If anything it has gone down instead of up but only because I haven’t had appetite lately. I hate to get my blood drawn but if I do I am going to ask for a CBC to check my blood count levels. If they are low that could be why I feel so tired all the time. I might need to take an iron supplement. But I rather have beet juice and carrots to build up my system. I think my sister has a juicer. I also want him to test me for diabetes as it has been a while since I was last checked. Hopefully he will listen to me and order the tests I would like. So far, I haven’t had too many side effects other than loose stool but that hasn’t happened over the last few days. I am back to being constipated.

My back is acting up again. I have been taking Ativan and Zanaflex to try and calm it down. Sometimes nothing works despite my efforts. Only thing I can do is lay down and rest, which sucks. I have to take a shower today as I smell again. Should be interesting as I wonder how many times I need to sit down before I am done showering. I got to shave, too. But I am thinking of using my electric shaver instead of the razor this time.

Saturday Halloween Blog 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Halloween blog 2020

There were no trick or treaters this year in my neighborhood. I don’t think anyone dressed up for Halloween. I didn’t. I wanted to spray my hair gray but I never bought the paint. I had a lazy day. I went and did an errand and by the time I came back home, I was exhausted. I took a nap and it was a good one. I just hope I can sleep tonight. I was up in the middle of the night again. I had woken up around midnight and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 3ish. I read my book for an hour.

My back was giving me fits today. I tried the Zanaflex but it isn’t working for me anymore so I just been taking Ativan. Only downside is that it makes me sleepy. My back has also been hurting as the spasms have been causing pain. I need to talk to a doctor about it because it is interfering with a lot of stuff I do and I can’t be sleeping all the time from meds trying to control the spasms. I just don’t know which doctor to ask for help. I might start with my pcp and see what he says.

I have three appointments next week. Therapy, psychopharm, and PT. I have been trying to write something to talk about in therapy but I am coming up blank. I looked at the site for the pain psychologist and it was overwhelming. So many videos that were more than an hour long. I bought a workbook for managing chronic pain using CBT. I should get it over the weekend I think. I should probably get it by Monday. I think I bought the book before but I gave it away. This book was recommended on the website so maybe the therapist uses it in sessions. I will find out as I don’t think it is something to learn on your own. CBT is hard. I got to make an appointment with her.

I am so tired of being tired. I just want to sleep these days. Today was an okay day even though it was cold out. I still sweated my ass off when I came home from walking. I was out of breath and my back hurt from cramping. My shoulders and neck muscles have been hurting me for the past few weeks. They are just so damn tense and I can’t seem to get them to relax. I need a good massage. I tried finding a video to stretch the muscles but I can’t seem to do it right. I just end up rolling my shoulders and scrunching them up to stretch them out. It is the only exercise I know how to do. I am so sleepy that I could go to sleep right now. I have no energy to fight it. Guess I am going to bed early tonight. Hope I am not up at midnight again.

struggling to stay awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Struggling to stay awake

Since Saturday, I have been in a funk. I have been really tired, more so than usual. I don’t know if it is the depression that is causing me to feel this way or if it is just my body reacting to PT and having a fit. I avoided a nap but I showered and it flared up my back pretty bad. Here it is hours later and I am still hurting and cramping. I just took some Ativan to try and calm things down as the Zanaflex didn’t do anything but make me more tired.

I had therapy yesterday and I wished I didn’t. It didn’t go so well and frankly I am tired of trying to put an effort into it. My therapist said that she feels she is doing the work. I am just so exhausted I don’t want to do anything. She wanted me to set some goal for the week and I didn’t want to so she got pissed. I don’t think this is working out for me anymore. She is just too strict in trying to get me to talk and I don’t feel like talking some days. Maybe I should cancel when I don’t feel like talking. I don’t know. It has me feeling bad. I feel like I am disappointing her. I just sent her a message asking her if she wants me to cancel therapy on days I don’t feel like talking. I told her this exhaustion has been consuming me so much all I want to do is sleep.

I have made an appointment with the pain psychologist for another session. I am meeting with her tomorrow. This should be interesting as I don’t feel like doing goals in my regular therapy sessions and here I am trying to do that with this person. I feel like it has disaster written all over it before I even begin.

Today is the 16th anniversary of the Sox winning the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The pitcher who won the game’s last out showed the video clip of the play. It felt so good to see it again. I can watch it several times and it will always bring tears and joy to my heart. It was such an awesome game. I remember watching it and thinking omg there is just one more out and the Sox will win. Then Renteria hit the ball back to Foulke and game over. I sat there watching the players clobber one another for at least five minutes before realizing they won. I was so shocked and awed. It was such a glorious series. Beating the Skankees was the best. Those long games that were torture but ended in victory. Sox Nation didn’t sleep well the entire series. Not until the final prize was won. And then we did celebrate with duck boats and parades.

In addition to feeling tired the past few days, I have also been feeling like my ears are blocked. I just get this pressure in my head and my right ear feels like this humming noise, like a motor running. I don’t have the ceiling fan going so I am not sure what the noise is. I have been thinking of making an appointment with my pcp to get checked out but I am not sure he is seeing patients or not. If I still feel this way by Thursday I will call the office and see what he is doing for patient care. I can have a virtual visit but that is kind of hard to see my ear canal to see what is going on.