Tag: hopelessness

hodgepodge of thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I sent a message to my therapist last night. I didn’t expect her to answer it but I wanted to send it so I have something to talk about on Monday when I see her. I told her a couple of reasons why the suicidal ideations were increasing. I just feel bad about myself because physically I am unable to do the things I used to do without exhaustion. I also feel bad because I have no control over my bowels like I used to. That is what is causing me to feel really horrible. I talked with my psychiatrist about it today. He was apologetic. We had a good conversation about things. He is a really nice guy. I like him. He seems very supportive. I told him one of the things my therapist was harping on was being on medication and he said that his job was to make sure I was in therapy. I told him how my therapist said she was the GPS and I had to drive the car. Trouble was I didn’t know if I wanted to be in the car or not but with the suicidal ideation increasing, I made an appointment with her.

I had a productive day. I made all the phone calls that I needed to today. I rescheduled my appointment with PT. Gynecology called me to make an appointment. This is for my hysterectomy. I can’t believe that after 44 years I am finally going to lose the useless uterus. I also called my long term disability insurance for their annual update. I hated talking to them because I feel like they are always judging me. I had some changes in providers that they didn’t know about so it was good that things got updated.

I took a shower and shaved. My back again was not cooperative. I had bad cramps and had to sit down several times. My back feels tight and hurts. I want to nap but it is too late in the afternoon. I need to be up early tomorrow. I have an early appointment with PT, my last appointment for the week. I just set my alarm for the morning. I hate waking up before 10 to leave the house and shit. I barely function at that time. I got to make sure I eat something and have coffee. I had a hard time sleeping last night so I hope I can get to bed early tonight.

I started a new book called City of Brass. It is good. I like it. I finished Untamed the other night. It was a very good book. I also started a book about the Cold War. I have to read at least 2 books a month in order to finish my challenge that I started this year. I think I can do it because I tend to read when Twitter bores me or I want to avoid the stupidity of politics. I’ve also find that I sleep better if I read before bed.

trans issues 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trans issues 10

The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.

From Twitter:
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.

I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.

Ankle Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ankle pain and other things

Ankle started acting up around 2000. I just came back from the bathroom. I ignored it a little bit but in the end I had to take something for the pain. I couldn’t concentrate it was so bad. I couldn’t read Twitter and learn of the announcement of the VP choice by Biden. I am so happy for Harris. I really like her. She is tough and I think she will make a good VP if elected. I am so fricken worried with the electoral college going to the buffoon instead of who it needs to go to. I hate the electoral college. It’s archaic and should be done with. The popular vote should count. It is all we need. I hope when Biden is in office the college is dismantled.

Sox are sucking tonight. The Rays have scored every inning so far. Pitching sucks so bad. But then we got rid of all our good pitchers and haven’t replaced them so we are just working with those that haven’t been in the big league level before. We got a pitcher but then he went to the “alternative” site for whatever reason. I don’t understand why that happened. He should have made it to the majors. But I am not the GM. I hope he will get called up soon. We need fresh arms.

It hit 90 by the time I got up at 1400. I slept late because I was up in the middle of the night to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I did get up around 0930 to take my morning meds. Then I went back to sleep. I got a text from the pharmacy that my meds are ready. I asked my niece to pick it up but she didn’t so will have to go tomorrow. My mother and sister made chicken cacciatore so I had some of that for dinner. It was a bit thick because my sister didn’t put enough water in it but it tasted good. It will be really good tomorrow as leftovers.

Pollen count has been high the past two days so I have been suffering. My nose was so itchy yesterday and I had the sneezes that never end. Today was more of the same. My nose is so sore from wiping it all day. I hope the count is lower tomorrow when I go out. Grass pollen I am allergic to in this area so I much rather avoid it if possible. I go into my kitchen and sneeze when I am in my room away from the pollen. I hate summer so much. I hate the heat and humidity more than anything. I am grateful I have a somewhat working AC. I need a new one that is energy efficient. I want to get a smart one so I can turn it on through my phone when I am out and am coming home so the room is cool. They are expensive though.

I talk with my therapist tomorrow. She is on vacation next week. A friend asked what will I do if I start having a hard time while she is gone. I told her I have hotlines and the emergency room as my only option, which means I am basically on my own. I rarely use the hotlines and won’t now that I know they will call the cops on you if they think you are serious about being suicidal. No thank you. There is one that doesn’t call so I might call that one. I just hate they don’t have a text number. I would have to actually talk on the phone, something I don’t like doing much of. I will get through whatever crisis on my own. I always do.

Monday’s thoughts 10082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s thoughts 10082020

I am wearing my old Sox hat hoping it brings them luck tonight. I have been wearing it all day. I had therapy today and it was a tough session. My therapist is such a CBT therapist, which I like but I didn’t know how annoying they can be. She had me set a goal before we ended. I am to call depression a liar essentially. It is going to be tough to do because depression is deceiving. It tells me lies that I am a jerk and an asshole that has no base but I believe it because I feel so bad so I must be. I also feel guilty for no reason and worthless. I almost canceled therapy today because I felt hopeless. I knew my therapist wouldn’t allow it so I didn’t even text her. I was in a why bother mood. I did tell her I wanted to cancel because I was hopeless and she wanted to know why. She also wanted me to think differently but I couldn’t think of a way to do so. I am just not a cognitive thinker.

I am listening to the ball game. They are tied at 4 in the 6th. Sox were leading the game 4-1 but an error cost us some runs. Going to be a long night if they don’t score some runs in the next few innings. Update, Sox are losing 8-5 right now. It is the bottom of the 8th and I don’t think they will come back so I shut the game off so I can continue to write without being distracted.

I am having the hardest time writing tonight. I keep getting distracted. I am trying to stay on point but my brain is out to lunch. My therapist said that she will be off next week and I had some anxiety about it. I hope it is just a week she is off and not two because I really want to talk to her the week of my surgery. I am having so much anxiety about it. I also am getting cold feet about it. I have the choice to keep things the way they are but I will feel yucky all the while with headaches and fatigue when doing stuff like making a sandwich or taking a shower. I hate that I have no energy most days and that just walking to the end of the street and back leaves me winded. I am scared that after surgery I might be in worse shape than I am in now. I know there will be some recovery but fuck, I don’t want to feel that weakness I did in the beginning. Of course, there is nothing I need to be doing but resting and recovering. I have no job other than keeping this blog going. I will try and write if I am up to it while in the hospital but meds might not make it possible.

Ankle has been bothering me the past few hours. The ankle bone has been really sore and throbbing. I took my breakthrough med but it hasn’t done anything. I might have to sleep with a pillow between my legs. I find that it helps level things so I am not spooning my feet. I find that it helps. Only problem is that the pillow sometimes ends up on the floor in the morning.