Tag: mental illness

Forgot how good country music is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Forgot how good country music is

I have been listening to the Country Countdown the last few hours with my favorite country artist, Hillary Scott. She is talking about her new album and her miscarriage that happened about a year ago. I feel so bad because it’s such a tragic thing to happen to women. I am glad that she was able to write a song about it to release the feelings associated with loss.

As I have been listening to the music, I have been feeling energized despite feeling tired. I want to buy the songs that I really like but thankfully I have no money in my account. I definitely going to get Blake Shelton’s new album and Sam Hunt’s song “You’re Gonna Miss Me”. I have to get Sam’s songs individually because there are some songs that I don’t like on his album. I am also contemplating getting Kelsea Ballerini’s Peter Pan. That song is really sweet. And I found another song that if I ever get married, the song by Dan and Shay is going to be it.

I was talking to one of my friends that has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We basically got caught up with our illnesses as it has been a while since we last talked. It was good talking to her again. I am glad she didn’t bring up that she wanted to have lunch. I really don’t want to meet up with her. She lives west of me and it’s kind of in the boonies of Massachusetts. I don’t think I can drive to where she is without getting lost so there is no point in meeting up.

I am glad the countdown will be over in about a half hour. I don’t think I can make it past midnight. My head is spinning though. I am feeling really hyper yet tired. It’s weird. I feel like I am sort of in a mixed state. I might have to take another trilafon to calm down.

Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

The past three days the songs Enough is Enough and Stay a Little Longer have been piggybacking in my brain. They have been on either repeat or shuffle. No matter what other music I listen to, these songs break through. I was even hearing “Enough is Enough” while I was on the phone with my therapist. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have been taking the trilafon faithfully every day, sometimes twice a day if I feel stressed.

I don’t know if the lyrics are trying to tell me something or it’s just a song that keeps playing in my head. Whatever the reason, it’s really stressing me out. I am hearing the songs almost the full time I am awake and when I am not I am hearing the voices talk to me.

My therapist read the blog I sent her last week. She said I was describing negative symptoms of psychosis, whatever that means. I told her my psychosis was going on longer than I thought it was, since the middle of January of this year. That was when I was talking about voices being loud and her wanting me to take PRNs. I didn’t take the PRNs because I thought they were just because I was stressing out over my MRI results at that time. Of course, the stress of that was exchanged with the stress of my father’s illness and ultimate death. That in turn, caused my psychosis to unleash itself to what it is today.

I am still grappling with it and still think I need to be in the hospital but because of my mother’s health, I can’t do that. It’s so frustrating to be dealing with this. I had taken 4 mg of trilafon while I was talking with my therapist and then another 4 when I came home a little while ago. The bus had me all freaked out. There was a little girl that kept licking her hand and then touching everything while licking her lollipop. I was trying to not look at her but she was right in front of me. And there was a stench of something really bad on the bus. I don’t know if it was a fluid smell or urine smell but it as bad.

I don’t really remember what I talked about in therapy other than her telling me I was describing negative symptoms. After therapy, I went to Starbucks for my bacon sandwich and coffee that they made really sweet. I swear I was going to get diabetes from that sugary drink. I didn’t finish it because I just couldn’t. I like sugar but only so much. I felt like adding coffee to it to make it less sweet but I didn’t want a caffeine high.

I saw my NP today. She is not leaving the practice, just taking vacation for a few days. I did find out one of the other PCPs is leaving. I liked her, too. I think the new computer system is getting rid of good doctors. It’s a terrible system. I wish they had seriously thought of the impact it would have before implementing it. I just hope my psychiatrist doesn’t decide to leave because of it. I would be so sad.

I just realized that by the time I see my NP again next month, I will have, potentially, my new name. I still need to find out if I need an appointment to change my name or not. I have two weeks to find out. That is when I get paid next and I would like to do it sooner rather than later. So my disability decision for my loans better come soon. Then begins the process of changing everything to my new name. I am both excited and scared at this process.

feeling wicked down and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling wicked down and depressed

I woke up early because I had to pee but I couldn’t get out of bed so went back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I really had to run to the bathroom. My bladder was overfilled. I brushed my teeth because my mouth felt like a sewer. That was all I needed to do to get my ankle going. It hurts so bad right now and it got me depressed. I have to out today. I took some pain meds but I still am not sleepy and the pain has, thankfully, lessened a bit. Sometimes the meds are enough to knock me back out and sometimes it doesn’t.

My mood is terrible right now. I really just don’t want to be. If I had the means to really carry out my thoughts, I would so go through with them right now. I feel so lowly. All I can think about is death. I keep wondering what it would be like laying in a casket.

I have therapy today and then I have to go out to my appointment with the NP for my pain meds. I really don’t want to go out. It’s already muggy. I put the AC on to cool down my room. I’m not going to shower because I know I will be sweating when I go out. I will shower when I come back home.

I hate being in this irritable mood. I woke up kind of okay but the pain caused my mood to dip very low. Now all I can think about is death. I am so tired of feeling this way. I never feel “better”. I always feel gloomy and sad. The voices are always there reminding that I am a piece of shit.

I got three hours before my therapy appointment. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I don’t wake up.

Psychosis That Lingers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychosis that lingers

I was reading some of my blogs from earlier this year. I do this on occasion to see what I wrote as I usually forget what I have written the majority of the time. Apparently sometime in January, I was having a psychotic break, even though I was taking the abilify. In my blogs, my therapist wanted me to take my PRNs, which I can only assume was trilafon to help quiet things down. I had refused. Now that things have escalated to the point where they are now, It’s no wonder I can’t get a hold of things.

I am glad the trilafon is working as well as it can be. I have been taking at least 4 mg faithfully the last few days since getting my mail order prescription. Some days I need 8 mg because the voices are just too loud or things are just “weird”. Like lyrics telling me what to do or music changing their meaning. I might also be paranoid. I know eventually I will become tolerant to the 4 mg where it doesn’t work for me anymore but I hope that doesn’t become the case. It’s obvious from my blogs that the abilify lost its ability to work for me.

There are many reasons for this. Having to lose a parent and the stress of the grief was one major reason. Having to go through a SSD review was another. Not to mention a review for my student loans which still has not been decided yet. Add in the stress of my back problems and knowing I am pretty fucked if I move the wrong way doesn’t exactly make be feel comfortable.

Then you have the external stressor of terrorists that I believe are really aliens looking for power to control the world. One way or the other, world war III is going to happen, eventually. It’s going to be against, possibly, religion or an us vs them mentality. I don’t know who is going to be president of the US in the upcoming election. I hope it’s the democratic nomination but you never know. And if it’s the republican nomination, the world is screwed, not to mention the US. I cannot fathom a racist president will run the US.

It’s been seven months that the voices have been out of control. It’s been a month that I have been off the abilify. The only thing that has stayed constant is my chronic pain. My suicidality has been in and out. Some days it’s very much apart of my life and other times it is barely on my mind. Lately, It has been on my mind more. I so want to escape the harsh reality of being commanded by voices that nobody can hear. They keep telling me to do things. They haven’t specifically told me to kill myself but I fear that they will soon, even with the trilafon that I have been taking. The voices now know that I have been taking trilafon. It’s candy to them. It works most of the time. It’s not perfect because unlike the abilify, I have to take it every 6 hours or so. I am bad at keeping track of the hours so when I start to feel paranoid or can’t stand an object talking to me, I will take another dose. I never exceed 8 mg a day. I am too tired by then and usually am in bed after the second dose, if I need it.

I have been reading Harry Potter tonight. I read three chapters. I wanted to read four but I just can’t. My meds have kicked in and I will be going to bed shortly. I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow except possibly call my psych. I want to let her know what I found out. I think it’s important for her to know how long the psychosis has been going on. This way she can make a clinical decision if she needs to.

I was having zaps earlier this evening. I seriously thought about emptying a bottle of Neurontin in my stomach. I hate zaps. There is nothing I can do for them but wait for them to pass. I hate nerve pain more than my chronic pain that I have. Least with the chronic pain, I can get relief with my pain meds. It really had me feeling suicidal. Throw in the intensity of the voices and it’s not a good mix.