Tag: mental illness

Monday’s thoughts 10082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s thoughts 10082020

I am wearing my old Sox hat hoping it brings them luck tonight. I have been wearing it all day. I had therapy today and it was a tough session. My therapist is such a CBT therapist, which I like but I didn’t know how annoying they can be. She had me set a goal before we ended. I am to call depression a liar essentially. It is going to be tough to do because depression is deceiving. It tells me lies that I am a jerk and an asshole that has no base but I believe it because I feel so bad so I must be. I also feel guilty for no reason and worthless. I almost canceled therapy today because I felt hopeless. I knew my therapist wouldn’t allow it so I didn’t even text her. I was in a why bother mood. I did tell her I wanted to cancel because I was hopeless and she wanted to know why. She also wanted me to think differently but I couldn’t think of a way to do so. I am just not a cognitive thinker.

I am listening to the ball game. They are tied at 4 in the 6th. Sox were leading the game 4-1 but an error cost us some runs. Going to be a long night if they don’t score some runs in the next few innings. Update, Sox are losing 8-5 right now. It is the bottom of the 8th and I don’t think they will come back so I shut the game off so I can continue to write without being distracted.

I am having the hardest time writing tonight. I keep getting distracted. I am trying to stay on point but my brain is out to lunch. My therapist said that she will be off next week and I had some anxiety about it. I hope it is just a week she is off and not two because I really want to talk to her the week of my surgery. I am having so much anxiety about it. I also am getting cold feet about it. I have the choice to keep things the way they are but I will feel yucky all the while with headaches and fatigue when doing stuff like making a sandwich or taking a shower. I hate that I have no energy most days and that just walking to the end of the street and back leaves me winded. I am scared that after surgery I might be in worse shape than I am in now. I know there will be some recovery but fuck, I don’t want to feel that weakness I did in the beginning. Of course, there is nothing I need to be doing but resting and recovering. I have no job other than keeping this blog going. I will try and write if I am up to it while in the hospital but meds might not make it possible.

Ankle has been bothering me the past few hours. The ankle bone has been really sore and throbbing. I took my breakthrough med but it hasn’t done anything. I might have to sleep with a pillow between my legs. I find that it helps level things so I am not spooning my feet. I find that it helps. Only problem is that the pillow sometimes ends up on the floor in the morning.

Sunday Blog 09082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 09082020

I listened to Hamilton this afternoon. It was so good hearing the songs again. I love that I can listen whenever I want to. I can choose where I can play it to, so I don’t have to pick the beginning if I don’t want to. I am listening to Taylor now. I can’t help it. I was going through withdrawal from not listening to her album. I am starting to know the songs.

Feeling wicked depressed. Just don’t want to be. Gender dysphoria has been flaring up. I hate looking at my face. I hate my chest. I hate me. I feel so rotten. I have no one to talk to about this. My therapist doesn’t want to get into it because I have the upcoming surgery and she wants to deal with the anxiety surrounding that. Bothers me that she feels like she has to fix things all the time. It so annoys me that she wants some coping skill to deal with something in my life. I don’t get it. I feel like she doesn’t want me to talk about things if there isn’t time to talk about it, which is ridiculous because each session can deal with something I bring up. I talk with her on Monday again so maybe I will get some clarification on what she was trying to tell me.

I am listening to “This is me trying” by Taylor. I resonate with this song. It is so good. I have it on repeat for now. It is a short song, like 3 minutes. But the melody and lyrics are so good. There is a lyric where she says “pouring out my heart to a stranger” which I interpret as having to talk to a therapist. I am trying in therapy with doing stuff my therapist says but it is difficult at times to remember to do it. It needs to be practiced like anything else.

I woke up late and had a cup of coffee around 1730. It is supposed to be hot this week. Tues into Wed is supposed to be the hottest. I am going to try and shower early tomorrow morning. I need to shave. I have decided that I am going to keep shaving because I think I look stupid with a beard and having a chest. It bothers me so much. Doesn’t help that I have hair on my chest. I wish I could have top surgery this year but I got to lose weight and I don’t think that it is going to happen. I have been eating pretty normally. Today I ordered a sub and only had half. I couldn’t finish it because I got really full.

I have therapy tomorrow. I want to cancel it. I just think it is hopeless to “go.” I know my therapist won’t let me cancel. She always asks why and I say because it is hopeless. Might as well be honest. I could just say that I have a conflict or something but I am not a bullshitter so I don’t think of these things. I suppose I could text that I have to cancel because of X and maybe she will believe me but I also know she will want to reschedule the date. I don’t know why therapy is so hard for me lately. I know part of it is because it is “virtual” rather than in person. I don’t even know if it is helping. I guess I can ask her tomorrow if I have made any “progress.”

new music Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

New music Friday

My top favorite artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, came out with a new album today. It took some getting to buy as the Amazon music app sucks. I swear with each update it gets worse. I got the album and am listening to it now and there isn’t a bad song. My only complaint is that one of the songs has like a 2-3 minute music after the song ends. I hate that. It already has a minute intro.

I didn’t do anything today. I wanted to fix my bed as the foam topper is coming off but I still haven’t done it yet. I just am so damn tired from being in pain all day. Ankle has been rough all day and my back has been cramping for some reason. I am so exhausted and I have no reason to be. But being in pain is exhausting. It is so tiring. It just takes so much mental energy to deal with it.

I got a headache and I am not sure if it is because of the fluid or if it is the beginning of a migraine. I feel sort of nauseous so it might be migraine related. The pressure has gone up so I wouldn’t be surprised if it is a migraine. I will be going to bed soon. I can’t stay up as my eyes are so heavy. Trying to stay awake to finish this blog but it is so hard. I feel like I am in a cloud. I didn’t eat much today. I haven’t had much of an appetite.

I wanted to listen to Hamilton tonight and keep track of the Sox but I think I am just going to go to bed. I will listen the musical tomorrow. I might watch it again. It is a good show. Sox are playing the Blue Jays tonight. I hope they win. It will be the second game in a row they would have won. Their record right now is 4-8. I hope they get better but I am not hopeful as the pitching just isn’t there.

random thoughts 05082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 05082020

I went to buy some dark chocolate today and was rewarded with Godiva ganache hearts, which is the best of the best dark chocolate. It is so fricken good. I bought two packages. I could have bought all four that were there but I didn’t want to be greedy. I came home and I was exhausted. I made a bacon burger for lunch and then tried to nap but couldn’t sleep. I had coffee before I went to the store and it just made me tired. Tomorrow I might go to Starbucks before therapy and get a macchiato. I am in love with their Caramel Cloud Macchiato. It is so good. I think that will be good for me to go out. I am getting cabin fever staying inside all the time.

I wanted to shave and shower today but I am just too tired. Plus my ankle has been acting up so standing is an issue. I will try to do it tomorrow before therapy. I don’t know if my therapist has decided to meet twice a week because I am off my meds or what. But we have been the past week. If I end up seeing her Monday, I will know she really is concerned about me. I sent her a message that I thought made sense but when I read it, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Have no idea when I sent it. I think it was in the early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep the other night. I should have written what I wanted to and be done with it but my brain went a different direction.

Sox are playing now. I don’t care to listen to the game. They are playing at the Trop and I hate that ballpark. Sox are off tomorrow. Two of my favorite players are not playing tonight because they are in slumps. Both are left handed hitters and tonight’s pitcher was a lefty so I understand why they gave them the night off but it sucks because there are only so many games. The sox are not doing well anyways. I think their record is like 4-11. Least it was the last I checked. It has been good baseball has been back but it isn’t the same without fans at the game. The noise level isn’t the same and the energy the fans bring is obviously not there. Kind of sad.

I really like Taylor’s new album. My stupid phone only downloaded 14 of the 16 so I had to manipulate the settings to get the two songs I was missing. Of course one of them would be the number one song in the top 100 hits. I am so happy she made history by being the first artist to be number one on Top 100 Hits and Billboard’s 200. I have a feeling she will be there for a while. This is such a good album.

I hope I sleep tonight. Last night I woke up to pee at like 0330 and couldn’t go back to sleep till 5ish. It did me in as I was tired for most of the day. My level of depression has been high today. Gender dysphoria has been in high gear the past few days. I really hate my body right now and I don’t want to grow facial hair until I get my top surgery done, which is going to take some doing. I feel stuck and I guess I am as I can’t move forward with my transition until I lose weight. I don’t think it is fair that I have to lose weight to lose the things on my chest. It makes me so depressed. I hate being in this body and what is worse is that I have grown hair on my chest so I have hairy breasts. Totally fucks with me. Part of me wonders if I will be alive long enough to have this surgery. Right now I feel like I will be better off dead than continue to live the way that I am living right now.